I feel like SHIT tonight :( :( :( . Not really physically, well, maybe a bit tired, but more so emotionally shitty. I'm just really weepy and in a "poor me" state of mind at the moment. Yes, I'm throwing a pity party for myself... which isn't too unusual for me.

I always think, why are things the way they are for me- why can't things be better? But, saying that, I think I am the one usually responsible for my own problems and misfortune. I believe I really could be my own worst enemy. I get myself in difficult situations and then I have one heck of a time trying to get out of them. I'll give you a "for instance".

This has to do with work. Things aren't exactly great at my job, as you may know. As I've mentioned in the past, I have a difficult time with my bosses, particularly A. I try to avoid her in most situations, b/c I find her rude and unprofessional. Not to mention, that she is not a real warm, friendly, or personable person. The lack of communication has caused lead to a big problem- that being my vacation.

I made plans with my sisters and my sister's friend to take a cruise in mid August a few months ago. Now, instead of letting A & T know right away, I thought I would wait. I can't really explain this logic. But , at the time, I think I thought asking for my vacation & also asking for the time off for my surgery was too much to ask for at one time. So I thought it wouldn't be a big deal for me to ask about taking this time when I returned to work. Well, guess what? I was wrong- it was and IS a BIG deal.

Their reason for it being a problem is that there are just too many people taking off at that time. C., one of my co-workers, is going on maternity leave. S., another co-worker, is on vacation, T., one of my managers, is also taking time off then. And this is going to leave us very short staffed. So after I arrived back from lunch, A. called me into her office and they proceeded to yell at me & ask me what I was thinking? Honestly, I really don't know. I guess I had this unrealistic expectation that they would be more understanding and flexible. Obviously, I expected too much, considering my past history with them. They told me straight off the bat, that they could not approve of my time off.

Well, this puts me in a real jam now, b/c , though they asked me to see if I could get a refund, I cannot. The airline tickets and cruise is already paid for and are non-refundable- so there's no backing out or changing plans. Also, the girls are planning on me being able to go- it impacts their plans too, so, again, I can't just bail out. I went back to tell A. this and couldn't help but get emotional- which I know I should have tried to refrain from.

My Dad always tells me that to get upset in the workplace is unprofessional, and I agree, but I just couldn't hold it together. I think, under pressure, it's hard to control that. Anyway, after my emotional breakdown, A. said that she would talk to T. & see what she could do, so I'm hoping that, somehow, things will come through in the end.

I know it's my fault ;(. I should have planned things better, like I said, but I think that they could work with me on this if they wanted to. First, yes, the phones need to be covered, but there's going to be people there & the phones aren't that busy that they ring off the hook. So I don't think that's a real issue. According to A., the main issue is about my work getting done.

Well, the work will get done- it's not going to go anywhere when I'm away and I don't think I'll have any problem catching up on what I need to get done. When I was away for my surgery for a week and a half & came back, it only took me a day or two to catch up. I'm more than willing to stay late, come in early, & even come in on the weekends to get my work done, if need be. I really don't think a week is going to shoot things to hell...

I am not trying to excuse my mistake, I'm really not. I know I was a complete idiot by not planning things and being more responsible, but I think the fact that A. doesn't really like me (see my past post on what she said about me to 18 year file clerk) is kind of influencing her decision more than anything else. I'll be surprised if she tells me that it's ok...but I'm praying she does. Because if she again says no, I'm not sure what I will do... It will be a BIG problem.