Tuesday, June 13, 2006

For those who don't know, I have my surgery scheduled for a week from this Thursday. Honestly, it hasn't completely sunk in yet... And to be completely blunt, I am nervous, alright scared :(, but I'm sure that's natural, right? I mean it is surgery and there are risks involved, as with anything- but, I am still fairly confident that my surgeon will do a good job and that I will be okay.

I actually just broke the news to my Dad on Sunday. I was keeping it from him, because I didn't know how he was going to react. Well, I take that back. I knew that he wouldn't be for it, quite the opposite, I knew that he would very well be against it. But despite that, I knew that I had to tell him.

Getting myself to say the words was extremely difficult- for some reason, I had a lot of trouble forming the words and getting them past my lips. However, my Mom kind of jumped into the rescue. She said "Andrea has something to tell you"... and somehow it turned into a guessing game, where he was trying to guess my news. As a joke, my Mom said that "Andrea wants implants (meaning breast implants)"... and then he picked up on that and made the connection ,and the correct guess, to plastic surgery. So I told him.

To my surprise he took the news really well. I don't even think he was that surprised. He did tell me that he thinks it's unnecessary and that he doesn't agree with my decision, but that he will still support me regardless. Can I just say what a relief that is to know?! I kind of expected him to be angry at me for going forward with this, but he wasn't. Which, of course, makes me feel SO much better to know that my parents will be there for me and backing me as I go through this all.

Of course, there's a BIG but... (ok, 2 buts)

And that but is that I haven't really shared my news with my sisters. Ok, I did run things by them when I was still in the contemplation stage, but they don't know that things are more concrete now, rather, that this is definitely happening. And, yes, I'm a little concerned... not really about my older sister, b/c I think she'll be ok with it (though not for it really either), but that's not so for my younger sister.

She's very opinionated and has voiced her disapproval of this when I mentioned it to her a couple months earlier. I do worry that it's going to upset her and that she'll be angry.
She's threatened to bail out of our planned vacation we are taking in August, to stop talking to me, and to basically drop all contact with me. And, yes, that bothers me, but then I know it's not her life or her body. It's not really anything to do with her and it's my choice to make regardless of how she reacts.

I know maybe I shouldn't worry so much about here reaction, and I wish I didn't, but we're close and, of course, I would like to know that she'll support me. But this may be too much to ask for, as much as I wish that it would be the case. I guess what it boils down to is that I want her approval, but I'm pretty certain that's not a possibility.

My plan is to, in the next day or two, to send her and my older sister an email explaining everything. I'm going to ask for their support and hope for the best. Because whether I have their support or not, I'm doing this. They'll have to accept it.

The second but is my workplace. I'm definitely a little nervous about the reaction I'm going to get there for a number of reasons. Mostly it's due to the people I work with. These people love to gossip and, frankly, love to backstab each other. So I know when word gets out, and I know it will, it will spread like wild fire.

It really isn't too surprising that there's tons of gossip there. The work is so dull that people try to find ways to make the workplace more interesting... and being nosy about other people and/or gossiping is one way to liven things up and make the day go. Unfortunately, it gets really annoying to be around. After seeing people whisper or talk in hushed tones around you constantly, it starts to make you feel a little paranoid...to say the least.

For that reason, I kind of fibbed. I told K., my young friend at work, that the reason behind the surgery was to correct a breathing problem, which is not the problem at all. However, I don't really want to share my insecurities with my workplace. It's not really any of their business and I know that it will only be fuel for their jokes and nasty comments. But I know that could happen anyway and there's really nothing I can do to stop it.

However, it's one thing when your fellow billers do it, but when it's also your managers who partake in the bullshit... then that's something completely different AND worse. My managers are actually extremely guilty of gossiping and spewing poison about others who work under them. I find this unbelievably unprofessional, rude, and uncalled for, but my opinion basically doesn't count. Well, it doesn't do any good anyway.

A., the female administrative manager is one of the rudest and most anti-social people there. She has this tendency to make you feel like you are wasting or aren't worth her time when you go to talk to her. You'll start talking and then she'll either start drifting her focus onto something else or will just start walking away from you. I've tried to talk to her in the beginning and she would completely blow me off. To this day, I can barely get a hello or good-bye from her. Actually, somedays I'll say good-bye to her and she won't even look up. Does it really take so much to say two words?

What angers me even more is that she actively partakes in the gossiping about the people she manages. One Saturday, my friend K. went to her Chinese lessons. She actually showed up early, as a favor to A., for reasons which aren't really important. Anyway, A., shows up as she is sitting there and they end up getting into a conversation about people I work with. According to K., she basically was tearing apart nearly everyone that works there. Ok, there are some exceptions, such as the people she chooses to be friendly with. But, according to her, everyone else is abnormal. This, of course, includes me.

According to A., I don't take care of myself and my relationship with my Mom isn't good. Well, how in the HELL would you know that?! I mean, what a completely ignorant thing to say. She doesn't know anything about my condition or my health, besides knowing I'm diabetic. SO how would she know? She hasn't tried to get to know me or talk to me at all about it or anything, so for her to judge me like that is SO infuriating! :o(

Oh, and the thing about my Mom. Well, she told K. that she's heard me on the phone with my Mom and that's how she knows that our relationship is a little problematic. I don't know how that's possible. Her office is not within hearing distance to my conversations I have in my cubicle. The only thing I can think to explain this is that my co-workers tell her things. I know the women who sit in cubicles adjacent to mine can hear things and it wouldn't surprise me if they felt it was their job to relay what they heard to A. Why they take that much of an interest is beyond me, but this is not anything atypical there.

As a manager- wouldn't you think she would try to be a little more professional, ok show any sign of professionalism at all. I find all this so inappropriate. Plus, that she was talking about others with K. , who is an 18 year old student is ridiculous. This is not a conversation you have with a kid (or anyone who you work with)and, yet, she did.

Now, my other manager, T., I actually can tolerate a little more than A. Yes, he doesn't always show the most professional side either. But if I say hello or good-bye or ask a question, he doesn't just dismiss you. He will, at least, address you.

However, saying that, he does have a few issues. One big thing is his temper. I've seen him lose it in the past and it's really NOT pretty. He'll start spewing foul language and he'll charge down the way like he's going to knock you over. In the past, he's almost run me down. And then there's the fact that he, also, makes nasty comments/jokes about others here, as well. I don't know if he means for it to be more funny than anything, but truth is, a lot of what he says is just plain mean.

I guess, then, that you can understand why I am hesitant about being truthful about my surgery. I did mention that I was having minor surgery to T. However, I didn't really go into it and he didn't ask, though I don't think he can. But I'm not stupid, I know, eventually, people will find out about my surgery. Afterall, they are going to see me when I return to work which, of course, makes me nervous. I do know that there's nothing I can do to prevent their comments, jokes, or what have you. It's almost a given that that's going to happen, unfortunately.

Anyway, this should basically give you an idea of the place I work at and the people I deal with on , almost, a daily basis. I swear, somedays I just want to quit and not look back. But I know I can't do that- especially now with all these medical bills. However, I know that this is not a place I want to stick around in for a long time, especially with all this nonsense. So this is good motivation, or kick in the butt, to keep looking and find something else. And when I do, I will not give leaving a second thought.

4 Comments:

Blogger julia said...

Your sister is bullying you, plain and simple. Threatening to stop talking to you because you want to have plastic surgery??! WTF? It's not like you're contemplating shooting heroin into your eyeballs. Just a wee bit of an over-reaction on her part. I think she needs to step back and realize it's YOUR life, not hers, and she should stop being so manipulative.

I used to work at a place that sounds similar to your work place. It sucks the life out of you. Getting a new job was the best thing I did for myself, in terms of boosting my self-confidence (since I don't have the money for plastic surgery. Yet. :D ) I hope you can find something that's a better fit.

Good luck with the surgery. It's perfectly normal to be freaking out. Even though this is something you want, change is scary and this is a big deal. Freak away.

9:03 AM  
Blogger Johnboy said...

Good luck, Andrea. I'll be thinking of you on Thursday.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Thanks for your support on this- Julia and JB :)... It makes me feel a lot better knowing that I have people rooting for me, so to speak ;).

Julia- I had to laugh at your comment. I agree with you, my sister knows how to be very manipulativee, because I think she knows it's a tactic that works for her. Her overreacting is not really anything unusual... she's a bit of a drama queen. Actually, that's a huge understatement (though I probably shouldn't talk, lol ;) )

I'm so glad that I have this as an outlet to ent- and that I know I can count on you all to still be there for me. You all ROCK :)

2:44 PM  
Anonymous Tiffany said...

I think that this must be a youngest child trait... ;)

Screw her. If she doesn't like it, too damn bad (ok, so I'm not feeling sunshiney-inspirational tonight lol). My advice: lay it all out on the table but don't ask her for anything. Either she supports you or she doesn't, and no amount of begging is going to change that. It's your life and your body and your decision, and you have to do what's best for you regardless of the opinion of others.

Just say to yourself "I'm a badass, and nothing anyone says to me is going to get me down".

OK, I'm stepping down off of my soapbox now...

Good luck! I'm sure everything will turn out wonderfully. Let us know how you get along :)

11:16 PM  

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