Thursday, June 15, 2006



I wanted to share my sister's response to the email I sent her last night regarding my surgery. No, I was not surprised at all by her reaction, she reacted EXACTLY how I expected. BUT it is still hurtful and it bothers me immensely to read her response. Saying that, I thought I would post it anyway... maybe others can provide me with feedback or give me advice or criticism on whether I am handling this right, b/c I'm not sure I am. I'm trying, though, and doing my best not to let her negativity bring me down.

Before I get to what she emailed, I just want to note that what she wrote may sound mean...ok, it is pretty mean. But, truth be told, she really isn't a mean person at all. Despite how her reaction comes across, I feel, this is really coming from a good place. I think, in a way, this is her trying to protect me, I just think she goes about it in the wrong way. I do love my sister no matter what, but she can really be opinionated and manipulative when she wants to be and you'll see that in her response. But before I paste her response to my news, I will share what I wrote to both of my sisters...


Well, I have some news to share with you... and I'm afraid that you might not like it. In fact, I know that you won't like it and that it'll probably upset you, which is a big part of the reason why I haven't told you this earlier. Truthfully, I have been a little worried about your reaction... But, saying that, I know that I need to tell you this, so here goes...

I have decided to go ahead with the rhinoplasty surgery next Thursday. I know that neither of you are in favor of me moving forward with this, especially K, but this is my decision and I have to do what I feel is right for me. I feel like this could give me a big boost in self-esteem and confidence and that it can make a big difference for me.

I know how both of you feel about this. I know that K especially is adamant about me NOT doing this, but I can't live my life based on what she thinks is right or wrong. I have to make this decision for myself. It's my body and my life. And it's also my choice to make.

K, I know you will argue that it's not going to help me- that I really need therapy to work out my issues. And maybe that's true, but I don't see anything wrong with also doing this. I wouldn't do this, if I didn't think it was going to help. I strongly believe that it will. And, no, I'm not doing this b/c I'm shallow. I think that's definitely one thing I am not. I'm not shallow, but I do think feeling good about yourself is important. And self-image is a big part of that. Obviously, mine could use improvement.

I did break the news to both Mom and Dad. They don't agree with my choice, but they are still being supportive, despite their feelings about me doing this.

I hope I can also count on both of you for support.
There's no doubt in my mind that it would make everything so much easier to know that you are behind me. I certainly hope for that, but even without your support, this is something I am doing. It's something you will have to accept and I feel being angry, upset, or aggravated by this is pointless. It won't change my decision and it just a waste of energy.

If I come away from this experience feeling better and more confident about myself, won't you be happy for me? Won't it be worth it then? Or will you still be negative and angry about it? I'm hoping for the former and not the latter.
So please keep that in mind and try to understand my reasons for doing this and please be supportive.

And here's her oh-so-kind reply:

You are a fucking fool and i will not talk to you again, and u can take my word for it. and u can forget about any plans for concerts or anything else. I am so against this, u have no idea. I am just so disappointed and disguisted that you would be confused and stupid enough to even seriously consider this. when u hadn't mentioned it in awhile i thought it was because you came to your senses. when i was at the concert with u and was sitting close to u, i was thinking to myself how beautiful you looked, and i remember this whole thing and was so glad that i thought u dropped it. If u go ahead with this, it will ruin our relationship cause i can't be close to someone so shallow who believes that this will change their self image. i'd be so embarassed by u and so ashamed that you would even think that your nose is going to change ur self esteem. r u really that dumb? you want to change the beautiful face god gave u. i would switch faces with you in a minute. U need a lot of help. i dont want to talk to you or hear from you, and i definitely am not going to go on the cruise if you do this. i dont care about losing the money. i'm glad you have the money to waste on this, and besides that, u are ruining yourself. they say everyone's their own worst enemy, and you certaintly prove that point. While you are in surgery, you might as well see if they can give you a brain transplant, or wait, maybe they should do that first, and give u a working brain with some sense.

Honestly, it does bother me to read her response. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it does. I mean, she is my sister and, as much as I sometimes am reluctant to say it, I do value her opinion and want her to be supportive of me. What probably hurts me the most is that she would let something like this ruin our relationship...but that's of her own choosing. I am not choosing that at all- I want us still to be as close as we are (or were). It's up to her if she wants to keep that or let this drive a wedge between us. All I know is that I have always been supportive of her and it saddens me that she cannot back me the same way.

I did respond to her email. Actually, i should say emails. Yes, she sent 3, and all of them just as angry and nasty, unfortunately. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did feel Ithe need to express my disappointment to what she wrote. Admittedly, I was hurt and angry by her response, so this one is a little more heated, but I think I still kept my composure (for the most part).

Well, I guess I should have expected this reaction from you- you are completely immature and overreacting as usual. I don't see how it should affect YOU. It's my life and my body- NOT YOURS. I'm not doing this for you I'm doing it for me. And if you think you can manipulate me with these threats to break off all contact with me- then I'm sorry, but you are not going to be successful. Just because you don't agree with something, that should mean that I can't do it. NO! That's complete bullshit.


If you wanted to do something like this, even if I was completely against it, I would still support you. But I guess that's the difference between me and you. You have a lot of growing up to do. Insulting me and name calling are just key examples of how immature and childish you are being-how can you be going in to psychology, when the way you are acting is showing that you need help yourself!


Everyone I have talked to about it has been encouraging - they don't see anything wrong with it, and when I tell them how you react, they think you are being completely manipulative and idiotic. But again, no surprise there!


Everyone else has chosen to support me, EXCEPT YOU. That should tell you something. And if you don't want to go to the concerts or cruise, that's your decision, but then it's your job to find a replacement, not mine.


But this is happening...and if you choose to be angry about that's your choice, and if you choose to not talk to me anymore, again, that's your choice, but it's pointless, IMMATURE, and stupid. That would be really sad if you let something as insignificant as this come between us, but that's up to you. It's truly pointless, b/c it's NOT going to change ANYTHING.


And that's where things stand at this point. My older sister hasn't responded yet to my announcement. However, I'm not nearly as worried about how she will respond as with K. K has a fiery temper and isn't shy about letting her feelings be known in our family, as her email shows.

I don't know what to do at this point. I wish I could say or do something that would make her understand, but I know there's really not much I can do to change her mind. Once she has an opinion, it's like set in stone, and nothing can change it. I'm just hoping that once it's over and done with, she'll come around. Like I have said, I don't see the point in staying angry after the fact. At that point, there will be nothing she can do about it, she'll have to come to terms, like it or not.

Again, I welcome any and ALL feedback... I would really love to know if anyone has any other ideas of what I could do or say to her. I could use all the help I could get!




6 Comments:

Anonymous Another CT dweller said...

I would advise you to let her get used to the idea. It is obviously HER problem. I don't quite understand her attitude except when reading her response I felt her jealousy coming through.
After all, she did say she would love to have your face. Maybe after the surgery she would RESLLY LOVE to have your face and can't stand the thought of you maybe looking and feeling better. Is SHE so insecure and riddled with low self esteem that she wouldn't want you to do something that would make you feel good about yourself? Her response to you is totally hysterical and inappropriate and not normal at all. Is she scare for you..because it's suregery? You should let us know her name if she ever becomes a counselor because I am sure I would never want to have her as my therapist.
I would advise you to carry on and let her come to you when she is ready. She sounds like the type of person who likes to "stir the pot" and cause trouble. Just my opinion mind you..you know your sister best. Good luck with the surgery and I hope you love your new NOSE!!!!!

11:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to say, I can see where your sister is coming from. Though I think her manner of expressing her feelings could use some work, I don't think it's fair to say she has a "problem." She has an opinion. And a strong one. It's not a problem. She just doesn't agree with this. Frankly, I don't think it's fair of YOU to ask for her support of your decision when you know how strongly she's opposed to it.

I also have to express -- I think her point, however poorly expressed it is, is somewhat right. Changing one's personal appearance is not likely to make a difference in one's level of self-esteem if there are underlying psychological issues. Given your writings about yourself, your body, and your mindset, I'd venture a guess that there are underlying issues that run deeper than your nasal passages. The fact is -- a person whose psyche is damaged enough to cause serious esteem issues -- is likely to be disappointed with themselves no matter what their body looks like. I do hope that you're not looking at this as a cure-all. I haven't really heard you mention getting professional help with the other stuff that's obviously going on with you.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't expect everyone to fall into the roles that you want them to play - and it's not fair to expect them to. Maybe your sister will come around, but if she doesn't, you have to understand that every choice yields consequences.

2:49 PM  
Blogger Johnboy said...

Actually, Andrea, I think you hit the nail right on the head with your repsonse to your sister.

Good luck with everything!

3:49 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Ct dweller-
I don't think she is jealous of me or my face...she's a VERY attractive girl, herself, and I think she just is playing that card, to get me to change my mind.

I think she thinks that this surgery is unnecessary (in her opinion). She quite simply doesn't think I need it and why change what she thinks is fine the way it is.

However, I don't feel that way about myself- and part of my insecurity is my nose, as stupid as that sounds. But, saying that, I think my opinion should count the most regarding this. It's my body and my life, not hers. Frankly, this is a decision I have to make for myself- whether she like it or not...

I know it's crazy, but I do have to play devil's advocate a bit... I think her intentions and heart are in the right place, to be completely honest. I think they come out of a place where she is trying to protect me from possibly doing damage to myself. However, I think that worry is unfounded and her email's tone could have been better, to say the least.

Her response really wasn't mature or appropriate in tone or in what she wrote. I think if she had stated her case more like an adult, I'd be more prone to listen to what she had to say (not that I'd change my mind, but I'd listen) but she let her feelings and emotions get the better of her. But, then, I think we're all guilty of that at times. So all in all, I can't hold what she said against her, because I know that behind those strong/harsh words, she does mean well. And, hopefully with time, she'll come around.

Anyway, thanks for your response and support... I do appreciate it! :)

Anonymous- I definitely respect your opinion and I can see what you are saying...

I know she has strong feelings against this- she has made that abundantly clear, but I do think there's a difference between supporting someone's choice and supporting the person herself.

I'm not asking her to support my choice- I know I can't ask her for that. Her true feelings are that it's not right and it's not a logical move for me.

But she can still say, "look , I hate your choice to do this, but I understand that you have to do, what you need to do..." I don't think that's asking for too much.

But to say that I want to disown you as my sister if you do this, well, I think that's really harsh and it saddens me that she would let this do that to our relationship.

However, that is her choice, not mine if that's what she wants to do. It isn't an inevitable thing that if I do this, automatically all ties are severed. No, it's her choice to break ties... and I think that would be a real shame.

I've said this repeatedly to love ones and others that know me well... I completely understand that this is NOT a cure-all. Obviously, by having this surgery it's not just going to make all my "issues" vanish. (I could only wish). I know the self-esteem/self-image issues will still exist. But I have to say, that I do believe it's possible that it could make me view myself in a better light. And, as I've said, how I view myself can make a big difference for me. I truly believe that.

So I am going to go ahead with it and, also, in the near future, try and find a therapist who deals with people with self-esteem issues... And, hopefully, with any luck those two things will help change things for the better... thanks again for responding! :)

JB- I knew I could count on you for some positive feedback!:) have I told you lately how AWESOME you are? lol.

No, seriously, I really do appreciate you being so supportive. i dont' know what I would do without people like you backing me... things would be a lot more difficult, to put it mildly. It really does mean the world to me, SO TY mucho!

I just want to add that I really do appreciate and respect any and ALL feedback- I think most people have a lot of good views and opinions to offer- whether negative or positive (but hopefully more of the latter :) )... so please don't be shy to express yourself. I look forward to reading what you have to say and responding :)

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can you please give me some advice on how to deal with this. My sister & I have always been very close, more closer than most sisters I would say until oneday somebody else came into mylife who has been with me for almost 5 years. There has been many accassions when I have helped her out with family issues regarding her children & had more than my wac but this time last summer there was some flirting with my partner what she said she didn't mean so I forgave her & we were fine getting along lovely until a couple of weeks back she was telling me about this film with sharen stone in that was sexy, she said to me I wouldn't like to watch that with anyman as she looks so sexy in it then she sents it to my partner for a christmas present & tells him to watch it on his own in a joking way, what is she all about? we have now fell out.

2:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can you please give me some advice on how to deal with this. My sister & I have always been very close, more closer than most sisters I would say until oneday somebody else came into mylife who has been with me for almost 5 years. There has been many accassions when I have helped her out with family issues regarding her children & had more than my wac but this time last summer there was some flirting with my partner what she said she didn't mean so I forgave her & we were fine getting along lovely until a couple of weeks back she was telling me about this film with sharen stone in that was sexy, she said to me I wouldn't like to watch that with anyman as she looks so sexy in it then she sents it to my partner for a christmas present & tells him to watch it on his own in a joking way, what is she all about? we have now fell out.

2:43 PM  

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