I have been thinking about this a lot in the past, but Art-Sweet's recent post (check out the link)inspired me a lot today to write about this... After the comment I left on her blog, this is going to sound a little contradictory and it's also probably going to come across as a very whiny, self-pitying post, but so be it. The truth of the matter is that I am not happy with things in my life.

After giving it plenty of thought, I can, honestly, not think of one thing that is going well for me right now. That sounds depressing and pathetic, which it is, but it's how I feel. Most people can say, well, I have a good job, or I have a great relationship, or I have this hobby or interest that makes me happy, but I can't say that -I don't have any of that. I can't even say, "at least I have my health", b/c I don't, thanks to this wonderful illness.

I know things could be worse, they could ALWAYS be worse, but they could also be better. Why aren't things better for me?

I see people all the time who have everything...looks, career, guy, smarts, and I get jealous. Why is that person so lucky to have all those things? I look at my friends and think the same thing.

One of my friends never has been to college, well, never finished, and is working for a hospital in the area. The kicker is she makes more money than I do. I can't really understand it. Here I am, I've been to college, did very well, and consider myself an educated person, and I make less than her.

Not only that, but she's better at meeting people and starting friendships or relationships. Everything seems to come easier to her... SO NOT fair.

Ok, let me take that back, not everything is easy for her. J. works very hard... She also is a single mom who does not get too much help from her son's Dad. She also doesn't particularly like her job... But it's what she feels she has to do- it's the only thing she is trained in and a lot of other things wouldn't pay enough to support herelf. However, it does seem to me that the things I'm missing in my life, she has. **sigh**

As much as I whine and complain about my life, I know my life is ultimately in my hands. It's up to me to make changes. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done :(. Frankly, I don't even know how to begin or what to change... Plus, I have to admit it's a little scary too- I guess that's to be expected whenever you step out of your comfort zone. But I know sometimes it's well worth the risks involved. Nothing is going to change if you don't take a chance.

I realize this, and I have for a long time, but I have a hard time believing that anything is really going to change. Probably because I've gotten sick of things in the past and haven't done anything about it. Yeah, I guess I'm apprehensive about taking chance, but maybe it has to do with not being ready or capable of making changes yet. I think not only do you have to be in a certain mind set, but you have to be mentally ready to do this...and I'm not quite sure I'm there yet.

I wish it were easier. Why can't there be a genie who could just grant my wish or why can't I do a little wiggle of the nose and, presto-chango, things would be different. Too bad real life doesn't work that way. I dunno, maybe I'm the type of person who will never really be happy... I'd hate to think that that's the case, but I guess life isn't wonderful for all of us.