Thursday, April 06, 2006

I have been thinking about this a lot in the past, but Art-Sweet's recent post (check out the link)inspired me a lot today to write about this... After the comment I left on her blog, this is going to sound a little contradictory and it's also probably going to come across as a very whiny, self-pitying post, but so be it. The truth of the matter is that I am not happy with things in my life.

After giving it plenty of thought, I can, honestly, not think of one thing that is going well for me right now. That sounds depressing and pathetic, which it is, but it's how I feel. Most people can say, well, I have a good job, or I have a great relationship, or I have this hobby or interest that makes me happy, but I can't say that -I don't have any of that. I can't even say, "at least I have my health", b/c I don't, thanks to this wonderful illness.

I know things could be worse, they could ALWAYS be worse, but they could also be better. Why aren't things better for me?

I see people all the time who have everything...looks, career, guy, smarts, and I get jealous. Why is that person so lucky to have all those things? I look at my friends and think the same thing.

One of my friends never has been to college, well, never finished, and is working for a hospital in the area. The kicker is she makes more money than I do. I can't really understand it. Here I am, I've been to college, did very well, and consider myself an educated person, and I make less than her.

Not only that, but she's better at meeting people and starting friendships or relationships. Everything seems to come easier to her... SO NOT fair.

Ok, let me take that back, not everything is easy for her. J. works very hard... She also is a single mom who does not get too much help from her son's Dad. She also doesn't particularly like her job... But it's what she feels she has to do- it's the only thing she is trained in and a lot of other things wouldn't pay enough to support herelf. However, it does seem to me that the things I'm missing in my life, she has. **sigh**

As much as I whine and complain about my life, I know my life is ultimately in my hands. It's up to me to make changes. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done :(. Frankly, I don't even know how to begin or what to change... Plus, I have to admit it's a little scary too- I guess that's to be expected whenever you step out of your comfort zone. But I know sometimes it's well worth the risks involved. Nothing is going to change if you don't take a chance.

I realize this, and I have for a long time, but I have a hard time believing that anything is really going to change. Probably because I've gotten sick of things in the past and haven't done anything about it. Yeah, I guess I'm apprehensive about taking chance, but maybe it has to do with not being ready or capable of making changes yet. I think not only do you have to be in a certain mind set, but you have to be mentally ready to do this...and I'm not quite sure I'm there yet.

I wish it were easier. Why can't there be a genie who could just grant my wish or why can't I do a little wiggle of the nose and, presto-chango, things would be different. Too bad real life doesn't work that way. I dunno, maybe I'm the type of person who will never really be happy... I'd hate to think that that's the case, but I guess life isn't wonderful for all of us.

8 Comments:

Blogger J said...

Hey Andrea I have so wondered on the things your wondering on (ok did that make sense?) anyway I often look around and wonder how can somethings come so easy for one and not for me but you know what when I asked myself if I could change lives with anyone I can not pick a one, because you know what? All my stuggles all my ups and downs and "hurdles" have made me who I am today yes life sucks at times but you know what you sound like a great person that is at her hurdle right now and once you jump over it and get thru when you look back you can say Wow I did it .. I know this does not make you feel better right now but you are on a road that has alot of curves but you know what you're doing it YOU Andrea are doing it and you will get thru this too ,, I am here if ya need to chat .

9:44 AM  
Blogger julia said...

I don't want to come across as being a bitch or yelling at you, but you have to work to change your life, it's not just going to happen. You can't sit around waiting for good things to fall in your lap - I'd be willing to bet that any of the people you envy would tell you that they busted their asses to get what they have. Your friend that you're jealous of - she doesn't like her job, she doesn't get to go out much and she doesn't get much suport in raising her child. I would be willing to be there are things about your life that she envies.

It is hard and scary to make changes, but sometimes you just have to suck it up and do it. Maybe find a therapist that can help you with this, maybe even a mild anti-depressant to help you get thru this rut you're in. It's no crime to need a helping hand - in fact, I think it takes a strong person to ask for help when they need it.

You have a lot on your plate to deal with and just because other people may not find those things difficult doesn't mean that for you, they aren't. Right now, it may look insurmountable, but I'd bet if you got some help, you'd be grand in a matter of months. Or at least more able to cope and not feel so overwhelmed.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Lyrehca said...

Hi--I'm no doctor, and believe me, I have days, but I wonder if you feel the way you feel because of clinical depression? Have you ever talked to a doc about it? Taking medication to treat depression is no different than taking insulin to treat diabetes if it's clear that you're not manufacturing a certain brain chemical that helps regulate mood.

2:40 PM  
Blogger BetterCell said...

Hi Andrea.....Being intelligent and educated has no correlation with "how much money a person will or/and is making. The fact that you are intelligent is by its very nature a wealth that not too many people have, including some physicians. Also, the people that you come across as being wealthy, "great looking", popular, healthy and more, may be the loneliest and unhappiest people within themselves. But you do not know, only they do.

9:04 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Thank-you ALL for your comments...I can't say how much I appreciate your honesty and support.

J...

I'm sorry that you share my misery regarding some of these thngs... Unfortunately, Life just isn't fair and sometimes it just plain sucks! But I guess no one said it would be easy, right?

But, saying that, I think you are right, those difficult things in life do shape us and make us who we are. Going through these struggles and getting over these hurdles are hard, but somehow we manage...thanks for reminding me of that.

Oh, and I have to disagree... you did make me feel better- TYSM ;)

Julia...

I don't think you are being a bitch at all... In fact, I am thankful that you can be so honest and frank with me.

I actually agree with you onwhat you have posted. I know it's up to me to change my life if I am unhappy. Logically, I know things aren't going to just fall in my lap, but I guess I have trouble knowing where to begin to make changes or how to change things.

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking help... I've been to therapists before, but I just felt that I wasn't getting what I really needed out of the sessions. It could have been that I wasn't seeing the right therapist or wasn't the right time, but I don't know if therapy is right for me... I don't know, I guess I need to give it more thought.

I've also taken anti-depressants before, but also had problems finding something that worked for me.

In a way, I feel like things are a bit hopeless. I know that's pretty lame... I get easily disappointed that my life isn't what I think is should be, but I don't know what to do about it. Ugh.

I know it's something I need to work on...I'm not going to lie- I wish that things would just happen for me, but I guess that's not reality.

Again, I really appreciate your response... I think I needed to hear that. Sometimes people just need a swift kick in the a$$ to wake them up....TY for that :)

Lyrehca... TY for the advice :)

In the past, I've tried many different anti-depressants and still couldn't find something to lift my mood a little. After a while, the doctor I was seeing suggested that maybe trying medication wasn't the right thing since I wasn't seeing any improvement. I guess I've learnedfrom that experience that I can't count on a pill to make me happy. As corny as it sounds, happiness has to come from within. At this time, I don't know how to make myself happy...and that's a problem. I guess it's something I'm going to have to figure out for myself, but I just wish it was easier...



BetterCell...
You are absolutely right. To an outsider, someone could look like they have it all...but a lot can go unnoticed. That person probably has their own personal struggles... I think sometimes I get carried away with thinking that I have it worse or so much harder than others. Well, I think i probably do have it harder than some people, but I shouldn't be so quick to assume that someone else's life is so wonderful, b/c that most likely isn't the case. I think I needed to be reminded of that... thanks so much.

9:10 AM  
Blogger mytime79 said...

Hi Andrea. Well I've been a little MIA, but I wanted to say, first you are def. not alone. Really, your post sounds (or sounded) like all the things I would usually say. I think that our age has a big factor in all of those feelings. Mid to late twenties is hard, well I'm having a hard time and it's def. not easy for a lot of my friends. It is also difficult to see so many people getting engaged, married and finding great jobs or really enjoying what they are doing and where they are. But I think that even those that we look at and think have a perfect life may not have as perfect a life that we think.

I saw your response to all the comments about therapists and anti-depressents.

1) I wouldn't give up on talking to someone. It really is important to find someone that you can connect with and understands you. I went through a few people before finding my current therapist and as an extra benefit she specializes in diabetes which I find to be very important. i think that a lot of the hard times I go through are because of the diabetes and she never discredits that because she has an understanding of the disease.

2) As you probably can tell from my past blogs I have been having a rough time with the diabetes and with life. I have just for the first time started taking anti-depressents and I see a huge difference. It's weird. I know you said you've tried something and it didn't work, but maybe if you are able to talk to someone who you really trust maybe he/she can provide a better solution.

Do you think that any of these feelings (maybe mild depression) can be related back to having diabetes. I feel that a lot of my "issues" do relate back to being diabetic. Especially the guy thing. I dont' feel comfortable with who I am, being diabetic, etcc... so how can I let someone else in if I don't even feel comfortable.

These are all things I'm working on. I do think things will get better, we all go through ruts and sometimes even longer periods of feeling down. Please if you want to talk further shoot me an email. I really can relate!!

8:53 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

MT- I've missed you! I've been checking your blog and, must admit, have been disappointed when there isn't anything new written there. I was going to send you an email, but thought I was being selfish. Obviously, you have other things in your life than just writing inyour blog- even though I enjoy reading it :).

Thanks so much for your post... In a way, it's nice that others know what i'm going through, but I'm sorry, at the same time, that you can relate to these unhappy feelings.

I don't know why life has to be so tough sometimes... I actually had a tough week myself. I'll save that for my next entry in my blog (lots of venting to do-lol), but let's just say that my work situation took a turn for the worse this week... things just were not good :(. I somehow survived (til today anyway), but now feel like I am on shaky ground. I hate that feeling...

I know what you mean about friends and others who "seem" to have it all. I guess it's fair to say that some people are not all what they seem to be. To an outsider, that person might appear to have it all, but usually that's not the case. I tend to jump to conclusions (at times) and I really shouldn't. You really can't judge a book by its cover.

I have thought that I might suffer from depression or some kind anxiety disorder...that's why I have sought professional help in the past. However, I came away from that not feeling like that process had helped me in any way. The psychiatrist actually told me that I may want to take some time and think about if this was the right thing for me, b/c nothing we tried (and I tried several medications) seemed to help.

I know that things have changed considerably since then, and maybe it would be in my own best interest to find another psychiatrist, but with things being a bit iffy at work, I'm not sure that it's affordable at this time. That's also the case for a therapist.

I know it's a matter of trial and error with meds and finding the right therapist (argh! :o( ). Maybe when things get a little more secure at work, I'll give it another shot.

I'm not sure my Diabetes is the real issue here- though, yes, it does get me down at times- b/c I struggled with these feelings even prior to my dx. I've just never been truly content with things and I'm wondering if that's always how it's going to be for me... I certainly hope not. I think what we all want is just to be happy and I don't think that's too much to ask for.

I know this response has gone on forever, but I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your response. What I love about "blogging" is having the chance to express myself my own way, but what I love even more is all the wise words, advice, support, and understanding from people like you. It means the world to me :)

10:38 PM  
Blogger mytime79 said...

Hey... you could have def. written me an email. I just get busy at work and then kind of lose touch unfortunately :( You actually helped inspire me to do something, I'll write it next time I write my blog... I miss the OC

7:06 PM  

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