Wednesday, March 01, 2006

I'm curious, how much do time do those of you, with Diabetes, spend thinking about the disease? I'm wondering if I'm an oddball... Ok, lol, I am, but I'm talking in terms of my Diabetes and time spent on it and thinking about it.

I read a LOT of Diabetes related things on line, mostly message boards and blogs. Anyway, from what I've read on different message boards, I've come to the conclusion that a lot of fellow Diabetics don't spend very much time focusing on their disease. From what I read, many hardly think about it at all-it only crosses their mind if there's some kind of problem with their blood sugar or if they don't have any choice but to consider it, such as when taking their insulin or testing their blood sugar.

I, on the other hand, spend a great deal of time thinking, worrying, and obsessing about it. In fact, even when I'm not thinking about it directly, it's always at the back of my mind. My thoughts never really escape being Diabetes-related. There are so many questions that constantly run through my mind...usually little self-checks. Did I eat okay today? Did I bolus enough? Am I high? Am I low? It basically goes on and on AND on. I can't help, but wonder if it's bordering on OCD.

I know I obsess about it and, as I mentioned in my last post, it really is my main focus...and, dare I say, interest in life. However, I feel that it plays such a big role in my life, that it's part of who I am as a person. I don't want to pretend or deny that. But, I do wonder if that's healthy and if it's helping me or hurting me. Let's face it, to spend so much time stressing about it- I don't think that can be good. The stress I put on myself in dealing with this disease is probably making it even harder to manage. After all, don't they say that stress can make a big impact on blood sugar levels.

I think what's at the heart of this matter is fear. I think I am afraid that by not focusing or centering on this disease, that I will spiral out of control...and that's very scary to me. Maybe it's irrational, but I guess that's typical of a lot of fears. They really don't have to be logical, make snse, or be rational.

Basically, that's where things stand now. As much as I know I need to and should, I am reluctant to find other interests. But, I think I really need to push myself to do so. My Mom even offered to pay for the cost of me participating in a class I want to take or activity. It's a very kind offer, but I don't think I can accept- she's helped me out many times in the past- it's not fair. I guess if I see anything that jumps out at me, I'll go for it and take care of the cost myself.

In a way, maybe it'll be the thing I need to get me out of my rut. Although California still appeals to me, I don't think it's do-able right now. And I guess I won't have to chop off my hair, after all- which is probably a good thing, don't think I'll look too pretty with a crew cut.

6 Comments:

Blogger Lyrehca said...

Hi,

How long ago were you diagnosed? If you're a recently diagnosed T1, I can understand being obsessed about learning more about it. If you recently went on the pump, too, it can be like being diagnosed all over again and therefore, wanting to learn more about T1 and pumping.

I am definitely always thinking about my diabetes, but I'm also trying to have a kid and the tight blood sugars are important. But at the same time, while I test every few hours and definitely know everything that goes into my mouth (and every bolus), I definitely have other interests. While the weather isn't easy to deal with (I'm in Mass. and damn, I am so bored with my winter wardrobe already), spring is coming and perhaps you'll be more inclined to find something new to do (take up a new exercise activity outside? Volunteer? Read more? Garden? Take a class?) once it's not so (*&() cold out.

Good luck!

4:50 PM  
Anonymous cin said...

Hang in there Andrea. You are making strides.
Yes, I worry about my diabetes but not to the extent that it takes over my life. I'm alive and I'm gonna live my life, not sit on the sidelines.
I have found that diabetes has brought me on good thing: LOTS OF WONDERFUL FRIENDS !!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't stress and don't sweat it !!!! Just hang in there and do your best.

7:07 PM  
Blogger Lyrehca said...

Hey Andrea,
I saw this book at the library and actually thought you would like it. It's all about doing new things and setting new goals. (And no, I don't work for the book company or have any affilation with it). Check out http://www.youcandoitbook.com/

1:44 PM  
Blogger Shannon said...

I think about diabetes all the time. I think the subject is interesting.

I've been thinking lately about how I'd react to managing myself if I ever became Type 1 and I think I'd be a lot like you. I would be "concerned" about whether I was high after eating or too low while driving.

Like Lyrehca said, maybe it's the newness of your diagnosis that lends to your "obsession" of diabetes. You aren't sick of thinking about it yet.

I have yet to get sick of it and my son was diagnosed three years ago.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Lyreheca,

No, I'm not really newly dx'ed- it will be 4 years at the end of April.

My feeling is that the root of my obsession is a need for control. I hate feeling like things are spiraling out of control. I think that's my biggest fear concerning this disease-that I'll lose my control over it and I won't be able to get it back. That's probably why I am so centered on it.

I know it's really not a good stance to take with this disease and I think it would be good for me to develop other interests, but as I've mentioned, I'm finding it hard to find any motivation to do that. But I do think it's important to do, so I'm going to try and push myself to do something non-Diabetes related. I'll keep you posted :)

Thanks for your advice- it's much appreciated ;) I'll also be looking for that book...it sounds like it could be a good read for me :)

Cin-

I think you have a wonderful attitude toward this disease- I really envy that. It's cliche', but it sounds like you are doing your best to control this disease and not let it control you...which I think it is doing for me right now, unfortunately :( .

Hopefully, with time and experience, I'll develop a better attitude about this disease. Yes, I have fears concerning this disease and control, but I think being so consumed by it isn't good or healthy.

Thanks SO much for your response. :)

Shannon- I think it's great that you are so interested in this disease. Your son is very lucky that he has a Mom who is so informed and educated on what his disease is like.

My parents, unfortunately, do not show that much interest in it (which we've often argued about). I'm not saying that they don't care about me, I know they do. However, I think being that I was dx'ed as an adult, they feel like they don't have to know that much about it and so they don't make too much of an effort.

It's funny what you said about getting sick of the disease. There are times where I am definitely sick of dealing with the highs, lows, injections, testing, and what have you. However, I don't think I'll ever be at the point where it won't be one of my main focuses (but it should not be the ONLY focus).I think it does make up a lot of who I am as a person and affects a person on so many different levels.

My parents, on the other hand, aren't so eager to discuss it. I guess sometimes my talking about it sounds more like whining and anyone could get tired of that. Plus, I'd be lying if I said that it's not a topic of conversation nearly every day. To talk about the same thing does get a little boring for someone who is not directly involved in this and it's really not the most pleasant thing to talk about.

I think it boils down to finding a middle ground...meaning to be able to talk about it, but not let it be the only thing going on in your life or obsess about it, like how I do.

Thank-you for your response and advice-:)

9:45 AM  
Blogger J said...

often times I ask myself the same question my therapist asked me why do you always bring up diabetes when there is so much more about yourself .. I told her "because it is always THERE" meaning anytime someone asked me how are you ? I was saying well ok my sugar was 200 or 150 or what ever the number and was basing Me on my numbers we are working now on trying not to allow that to sabatage my accomplishments. THIS IS HARD. because it is always there. but if you can try even for 1 conversation to not talk about it it can be quite freeing I am in CT too if you ever want to meet up and chat I can talk alot and tend to joke about borderline OCD .

11:42 AM  

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