Saturday, August 12, 2006

The last few days I've been in such a mood... Last night was truly a sight and NOT a pretty one at that. I spent the night very teary-eyed, weepy, and over emotional- basically, it was full-blown pity party, which is something I have been known to throw for myself in the past on occasion.

The funny thing about it is that of all times to get all mopey-dopey, it happens during a time where I should be all happy and excited- I'm on vacation until unil August 22nd and Monday I leave for my Royal Caribbean Cruise. I'm trying to make sense of why I have been feeling this way, but I am really having a hard time understanding it...

I think part of it has to do with just being at a stage in my life where I feel sort of lost, for lack of better words. Ok, honestly, I'm a bit scared... Frankly, right now I don't have a lot of things that make me happy right now and I'm worried that things are only going to continue to be this way... which isn't something I want. I want good changes and good things to happen for me, but I feel like that's not how it's going to be.

Yes, this vacation, you would think, would make me happy, but I know it's going to be short-lived, over in a blink, and I'll be back to the same old, same old. Frankly, I'm so SICK of the same old, same old... :(. I'm SICK of nothing ever coming easy for me, I'm sick of having the usual disappointments, and I'm SO SICK of having that damn black cloud follow me around! Hmm, ok, so I guess I'm not past my pity party mood quite yet after all!

I know my life is, ultimately, in my hands and that it's up to me to make myself happy, but HOW? Obviously my career isn't exactly a real joy, but I can't just leave (though, ok, I have been tempted). Then there's the issue of my social life or should I say, non-existent social life... I mean, I do have a few friends in my life, but we are all in such different places in our lives. I think it would be SO nice to have someone to hang out with more and do things with...or even talk to when I feel like this. And with my small circle of friends that I have now, I just don't feel I can have this talk with them.... for reasons I don't quite understand myself.

I've heard the familiar suggestions, network for a new job, join a club or find some kind of interest to meet other people, but I don't think it's that simple. The obvious problem is that I just don't know what I'm interested in career or other wise and, not to mention, that doing anything new has always been really hard for me, especially on my own. I guess that's what happens when you grow up extremely introverted and shy...

I know, I know... I have had this discussion before, but as you can see, nothing has changed or, should I say, I haven't done anything to change things. I'm not making excuses, but I guess I'm running into the problem of knowing where or how to start. I'm really baffled, confused, and a little afraid to shake things up. But at the same time, I think it's apparent that something needs to be done, I feel like my life is passing me by and I'm not making the most of it by any means, which is sad and depressing.

So, yes, the cruise will be nice and all (at least I'm hoping), but knowing that when I come back I have to come back to reality isn't something I'm really looking forward to. And I know it really shouldn't be that way... It's unfortunate.

I'm really going to try and leave these negative feelings behind when I leave for the cruise on Monday, b/c I don't want to ruin anyone else's time or, even, my own. But I'm sure they'll still be here when I return. But, maybe, and what I'm hoping, is that, maybe, I'll feel refreshed and more ready to face things and make small changes when I get back... Maybe taking some time away will give me time to relax and come back ready and willing to try. My instincts, (yes, I'm a pessimist) say that, no, things aren't going to change, but I really want to believe things will... and I would like to believe that there is always hope... so here's hoping!

3 Comments:

Blogger NYMOM said...

Enjoy your cruise.

AND when you come back, maybe think about changing your career???? I don't know exactly what you do now, but you can take classes and learn something new if you wish or even think about a small business loan and opening your own business...

You're still young enough to do that now.

I find many women still feel like they'll get married and make their family, home and children their careers so we don't plan full careers as we ought. I did this and didn't plan properly so I winded up graduating college very late due to this attitude.

Don't make this mistake.

Plan carefully as even if you get married and have children, it's rare that you won't return to the work force after a few years at home. So you need to prepare yourself. So many young women don't and wind up in the pink ghetto of lower paid office work when they inevitably return to work after having kids...

That's why Take Your Daughter to Work Day was so important as it emphasized to young girls that women WORK jobs outside the home and have to prepare ourselves for lifelong careers.

So enjoy the cruise and come back ready to make some career changes to get yourself a more interesting and fulfilling position or maybe even opening up your own small business.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Dianne Kracht said...

Where are you from - if you want someone to chat with that has felt and still feels the way you do - let me know - I would love to chat with you and receive e-mails from you to hopefully help each one of us on our journey with this disease.. My e- mail is d.kracht@mchsi.com.. Take care and I really hope you have a good time on your vacation..

12:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why is it a mistake, NYMOM, to get marriedm, make a family, home and children their careers... ?

Whats wrong with that? Nothing. It is a fantastic and super important job - the stay-at-home mom, raising children, etc. Thinking of it, speaking of it, writing of it any other way would diminish my mother and what she did - exactly the same thing; and I will not allow for that.

Also, for every person which you describe looking back and wondering what-if a career was planned better (such as yourself), I can name 2 and probably more (these days) women who are now in the late-30's/early 40's with the career, the job, the corner office but no husband, no marriage and no children to speak of (i.e. no family).

What we have these, going on in the world, with all of its problems is primarily linked to the extinction of the family as you made it, my mom made it but today - they dont make it.

When push comes to shove, choose family.

9:41 PM  

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