Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Well, my day off is almost over and unfortunately I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but I guess I'll deal with it. Kathy is back, and even though she's back it's like I'm still doing the same amount of work I was doing when she was away. She slacks off so much and then me and Marie have to pick up her share. It's not fair, but neither Marie nor I will say anything about it. It is aggravating and gets on my nerves, but since I have to work with this person in very closed corners, I guess I'll have to try to get along. For awhile she and I were not really on speaking terms, maybe it's better that way. I don't know.

Today I went to the gym twice...Well, the first time was a class. The second time I used the gym for about 40 minutes. It felt good to do it though and it seems to help with my blood sugar. Hopefully, I'll become a little more fit and maybe even lose a little weight. That would be nice, but I won't count on it being that I'm on insulin. I feel like I ate a lot today, so maybe it's good that I went so much. Tomorrow, I'm gonna plan to go after work. Friday, I'll take a little break from it.

Tonight, at dinner, me, C, and Mom kind of got into a little argument. Basically, I was angry with them, mostly Mom, b/c I feel she always takes sides and doesn't see things the way they really are. I just feel she puts C before me always, and it does hurt me. C can be manipulative and then it puts me in a difficult position b/c I will get defensive and I look like the bad guy. It's the roles we typically fall into. I hate being in the black sheep role, but for some reason that's what always happens. Being extra sensitive to what my parents and sisters say to me doesn't help matters. Dad can be mean to me a lot of times, and I don't really know how I feel about him. I would love to feel that Mom feels the same way I feel about her, but I don't think she does. Iknow she loves me, but when C comes around or even when K is there I always am 2nd best if not worse. Of course she denies this completely, but it's so obvious to me. C like to play up to Mom and she makes me into the bad one to make herself look better. Maybe she's insecure, but she shouldn't do that to me. I just find her to be very manipulative a lot of times. K and me are the most alike and we do get along for the most part, but we have butt heads on occasion. It does bother me that she does exhibit control over my Mom a lot of times and my Mom does nothing to stop her. Actually, she tries to control a lot of things, and I don't know why everyone has let her have that control. I do love my family, but sometimes I feel put down and depressed about the way things are.


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