Friday, February 03, 2006

I think I have ADD, I really do. I can't concentrate or focus on anything... My mind is always wondering or thinking about a million things at once (ok, maybe not a million, but you know...). The fact that my job consists of me sitting at my cubicle all day, doing the same monotonous job gives me plenty of time to sit and day dream...which I'm not sure is a good thing. Oh, you know what else is evidence of me having this issue? Well...have you read my posts? LOL :) Yeah, I know they are all over the place. Just me rambling on and on and on...not really staying on topic. This post will most likely follow suit.

I have to strongly agree with J. who made a comment on my last post. Diabetes does SUCK. It's no wonder why some choose to live in denial or pretend that they don't have it. It seems like even when we are attentive to it (by doing our testing, eating well (or trying our best to), and, yes, my personal favorite, exercise), we can't win. Meaning, things aren't where we would expect or think they should be, in terms of control, since we are doing all these things. After a while of trying, I think it's easy to just be like, "screw it". If we are putting all this effort in and not getting anywhere, my question is "why?"

I'm not saying totally neglect yourself. Obviously, if you are dependent on insulin, you are going to still have to take it and testing will still be part of your life, as well. However, to be really focused on it and obsess about every little thing, I'm not sure it's worth it. It's easy to say that, but knowing me, I will still obsess and agonize over the issues and problems I have dealing with this disease.

Julia gave me a great suggestion. She advised me to try the CGMS system. If you aren't familiar with it, it's basically a sensor, put out by Minimed, you wear for 3 to 4 days that takes your blood sugar readings continuously during the period of time you wear the sensor. At the end of that period, your doctor can download the readings, so that he can look them over and try to identify any patterns and trends. I thought this was a great idea considering that, I am not only a horrible record/log keeper, but also have a difficult time testing my basals the usual way that they suggest.

I was aware of this system and I had thought that I had asked about it during a session with my CDE/dietician before. However, I couldn't remember what the answer had been, so I decided to give her a call and ask her if it would be possible for me to try this. Well, of course, there's a road block :(. Basically, my CDE told me that they do not use this system anymore. The practice found that they have problems billing it and getting paid for using this system. She said that MM sells these units to interested patients, and it might be worth looking into purchasing if I am interested. Frankly, I don't know if I can afford to purchase anything at this point, but I thought it doesn't hurt to call and inquire.

I talked to a nice representative at Minimed. I explained the situation to her and asked if there was any way for me to try this out. Her suggestion was to leave a message for the area rep, he might be able to track down a provider, close to where I am, that uses this device. It might be possible for me to schedule a few appointments with that doctor so that I can utilize this tool. Seems like a rather complicated way of going about things, but at this point, I'm willing to try just about anything. I guess this shows you that I am not loosening my grip on Diabetes, as I've just discussed.

As of right now, I still haven't heard back from him, but hopefully I will at some point soon. I think it might really be helpful in getting things sorted out, especially since I can't seem to do it on my own, even with my Endo and CDE's help. Thanks Julia for your suggestion! :)

Onto the next issue, well, maybe it's a non-issue at this point. Yes, it's about a guy. I really don't know what to make of him or of where things stand. Why am I so bad at this? Grrrr.... I'm starting to get on my own nerves. Before I go on any further, maybe I should fill you in on what's been going on.

I've still been in touch with D., the guy my co-worker, W, originally set me up with. However, I'm confused. I don't know if I really want to continue with this or not. Let me explain why. Last week , he called me and left me a voice mail. Instead of getting back to him, I decided to wait. I did not get back to him that day or even the next. I can make up an excuse and say that that's because I was sick (which I was) or something to that effect, but the truth is I didn't feel like calling him. So the weekend passed, I decided to send him an email ( I felt bad) and apologize for not returning his call. I let him know that I would call him that night, which was Monday. Usually, he has his phone on him at all times, at least I think he does. However, he did not pick up the phone that evening. I left him a voice message stating that I would call him back later that evening or the next one. Well, Tuesday comes and I was actually surprised to see that I had received an email from him. Apparently, he was at some college thing and couldn't pick up the phone, which is why he missed my call. He said that he'd call me that night. Tuesday night, I waited for his call. Guess what? Never called. Wednesday night came and went. Finally, yesterday I got an email. But it was not what I was expecting at all.

It started as his usual emails do, but then he asked me a very random question. This was his question.... "what do you do to meet people?" Umm, okaaaaay. It kind of threw me off. I mean, why was he asking me this question? He then said "well, I know not bars" and proceeded to tell me that he has put something on My space in attempt to meet more people. I quite honestly did not know what to make of this, so I called my friend and co-worker, W., over to read it. I needed an opinion.

I'm glad that I called her over. She told me that she had just talked to him. Her impression was that he still is interested in me, but he doesn't think I am interested. As for the question, she didn't know what to make of it. To me, it kind of contradicts what she said, that he is interested. Why would you ask me that if you want to continue to communicate with me? I guess it won't be surprising to hear that I have my doubts after reading that.

W. told me that I need to decide if I am really interested in him or not. I know that's what I need to do, but how do I do that? To be completely honest, I'm not sure I am. My gut feeling is that there isn't really a connection there. However, part of me doesn't want to just give up, b/c what if I am wrong? I don't want to blow it. But I really don't know if I am interested in pursuing it any further. I mean, if I was , wouldn't I want to call him, wouldn't I want to talk to him? I'm puzzled.

Ok, maybe what it comes down to is that I'm worried about meeting the right person for me. I know people say that it will happen when you least expect it, but sadly it hasn't happened yet :( . Then of course there are others that say you can't just expect Mr. Right just to walk in, you have to make an effort and put yourself out there too. I know that that's probably true, but I rather go by the first theory. I want him to come to me, lol.


Anonymous Tiffany said...

Big questions, Andrea. With no easy answer. Diabetes is the YMMV disease, that I believe is connected to emotional well-being so closely that the cause and effects of either are not easily distinguishable.

Do I obsess? No. You ask me, obsession is counterproductive. But I continually strive to raise my own bar because 'my best' is just not good enough for me. (and yeah, I'm a perfectionist and control freak!) That's my "why", or part of it. What's yours?

Will your insurance company help you pay for the purchase of a CGMS? Maybe your CDE could recommend another practice that would allow you to use the machine without buying it? Good luck in any case, and let us know what happens!

(women around the world sigh and roll their eyes)
You gotta kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.
(Ha, my 50-something-married-with-kids-friend gave me that one!)
One thing I've learned about relationships is to always trust your gut. If it's telling you this isn't 'the one' then maybe it's time to change the dynamics of your relationship with this guy. Friends, maybe? Then you could keep in touch with him just in case...and hey, who knows, he may have a brother or a friend or a cousin that's just waiting to meet you!

1:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Listen to your instincts. Right now, your instincts are telling you that you just don't know him well enough to make any decisions. From reading your post, you do not currently seem interested in him, you seem to want to reserve judgment. Very sensible. Keep him as a friend and see how it develops from there. You do not have to make up your mind about him one way or another until YOU are sure, not because he wants you to.

10:54 AM  
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