I had a discussion with my Mom during the week- ok, it was more like a disagreement than a discussion... Anyway, regardless of what you may call it, something came up that has been on my mind over the last few days. Basically, she said that she doesn't think that I am ever going to be happy or content with anything...

Ok, she was speaking in terms of the support that she gives me, not so much in the general sense, but as I was thinking about it more, I think it could be applied to just about everything in my life.

Yes, there's a lot of things that I would like to improve about my current situation- things I wish were different about myself or things I wish I had that I lack. But, saying that, I'm not sure that I would feel so much differently if I had all those things. I mean, I'm not sure that I would be any more satisfied with my life.

My guess is NO- I think that I would still feel like something was missing or I would want something more. It still just wouldn't be enough. For some reason, I think I'd have this void there n omatter what... which just may be impossible to fill... And that's pretty sad.

I mentioned this in therapy, during our brief session on Wednesday, and, J. feels that this is just another component to my depression. It's a sense of hopelessness and helplessness...among many, many unpleasant feelings and emotions which really suck. But I cannot deny that this is pretty true to how I feel.

Frankly, the more I think about it, the more depressing it seems. As we have already established, I don't have a lot of faith or hope that things are going to change or improve for me.

And, I think, to just let things continue this way is only going to cause further damage. I think I will only become evem more unhappy, more hopeless, and more depressed. And I really don't want that.

I don't want to be one of those chronically dissatisfied people who are mad at everything and all in the world. I don't want to be one of those people who walks around with a big chip on my shoulder, feeling that things always suck for me. I don't want to continue a pathway of being sad and miserable. i don't want ANY of that. So I know I have to make an effort to chang things. Hence, the therapy, the blogging, and my consult tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I'm meeting with the psychiatrist and possibly starting on some anti-anxiety/depression medication. I've actually been down this road before w/o much success. So knowing that, I'm definitely not expecting miracles by any means. Given my past history with medication, I'm really not expecting that much of a change at all. But, despite my lack of faith, I think a small part of me still wants to try- for some small chance that it may help.

I'm willing to do what I can to make things better for myself. I know that I can't just ptetend like everything will improve on their own, like I might have believed in the past. Maybe with this therapy, medication, and support from loved ones, friends, and the online community, life won't seem as sucky and miserable as it has. I'd really like to believe that.