Thursday, March 01, 2007

I had a discussion with my Mom during the week- ok, it was more like a disagreement than a discussion... Anyway, regardless of what you may call it, something came up that has been on my mind over the last few days. Basically, she said that she doesn't think that I am ever going to be happy or content with anything...

Ok, she was speaking in terms of the support that she gives me, not so much in the general sense, but as I was thinking about it more, I think it could be applied to just about everything in my life.

Yes, there's a lot of things that I would like to improve about my current situation- things I wish were different about myself or things I wish I had that I lack. But, saying that, I'm not sure that I would feel so much differently if I had all those things. I mean, I'm not sure that I would be any more satisfied with my life.

My guess is NO- I think that I would still feel like something was missing or I would want something more. It still just wouldn't be enough. For some reason, I think I'd have this void there n omatter what... which just may be impossible to fill... And that's pretty sad.

I mentioned this in therapy, during our brief session on Wednesday, and, J. feels that this is just another component to my depression. It's a sense of hopelessness and helplessness...among many, many unpleasant feelings and emotions which really suck. But I cannot deny that this is pretty true to how I feel.

Frankly, the more I think about it, the more depressing it seems. As we have already established, I don't have a lot of faith or hope that things are going to change or improve for me.

And, I think, to just let things continue this way is only going to cause further damage. I think I will only become evem more unhappy, more hopeless, and more depressed. And I really don't want that.

I don't want to be one of those chronically dissatisfied people who are mad at everything and all in the world. I don't want to be one of those people who walks around with a big chip on my shoulder, feeling that things always suck for me. I don't want to continue a pathway of being sad and miserable. i don't want ANY of that. So I know I have to make an effort to chang things. Hence, the therapy, the blogging, and my consult tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I'm meeting with the psychiatrist and possibly starting on some anti-anxiety/depression medication. I've actually been down this road before w/o much success. So knowing that, I'm definitely not expecting miracles by any means. Given my past history with medication, I'm really not expecting that much of a change at all. But, despite my lack of faith, I think a small part of me still wants to try- for some small chance that it may help.

I'm willing to do what I can to make things better for myself. I know that I can't just ptetend like everything will improve on their own, like I might have believed in the past. Maybe with this therapy, medication, and support from loved ones, friends, and the online community, life won't seem as sucky and miserable as it has. I'd really like to believe that.

8 Comments:

Blogger Julia said...

Good for you for taking all these steps. I think it's huge that you realize that you have all these issues and that you're doing something about it. That's pretty pro-active and indicates, to me, at least, that you aren't ready to give up yet. That's a big deal. You should give yourself a lot of credit for taking these steps. A lot of people just can't.

What was the problem with the meds before? I have problems with anti-depressants, too, and have been on a meds rollercoaster to find the right one. I still haven't - it's taking forever, but I know I need them, so I'm keeping at it. It's frustrating, but I know I feel better on meds. The side effects are what get me.

There are a lot of new anti-depressants out there. There are also a lot of older ones that work, too. Hopefully your psychiatrist will work with you to find the one that's best for you.

Good luck!

11:09 AM  
Blogger Johnboy said...

Your such a brave and open blogger. Keep working on it, Andrea.

Hugs,
J.B.

12:15 PM  
Blogger MileMasterSarah said...

The journey out of depression is a long one, complicated by the feeling that you are getting nowhere. I have had serious problems with depression and anxiety in the past, and I have to say at my lowest point I thought there was NOTHING that would change things in my life. But I did, one step at a time. And then, one step and one day at a time, you look up and you can’t believe how far you have come. Keep plodding on, that is how you make the distance. And then, one day you too, will look up and be amazed at how far you have come.

1:48 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Thanks for the encouragement, as always :)... I love you guys!

Julia, I'm trying... As much as I believe that I am ready to give up, I guess a part of me still wants to try. Maybe I'm setting myself up for another disappointment... but if there's a slight chance that something might help, I've got to take it . I don't think I've got a choice.

I don't know what the problem with the meds were before. I think part of it was that I didn't really give them a chance to work. I wanted results immediately and when that didn't happen, I decided to stop taking them. I know, not too smart... but I was a lot younger and immature then too. At least that's my excuse ;)

I actually met with the psych doctor today, who was kind of weird (but that's a different story). And I'm going to be trying Lexapro. I haven't used this medication before, that I can recall anyway... so I guess we'll see. do you know anything about it? I certainly hope there's no big side effects.

Good luck with finding something that works for you... I know it takes time, but perhaps you'll find it sooner than you expect.

Thanks again for all your support- I always appreciate your comments.

JB~ I have been missing your posts and entries in your blog... I'd love to read a new one- but no pressure or anything ;)

Anyway, thanks for your comment. I try to be open about my experiences when I blog- I just feel that I have no reason to hide things. Plus, in a way, it's good (additional) therapy for me... And, I always receive such positive, wonderful responses. So you can't beat that.

Hugs back at ya! :)

Sarah~ I really would like to get to the point you are at... It sounds like you have made peace with a lot of things in your life. That's something I have a real hard time with.

I guess I've been so hurt by different things in the past that it's kind of damaged how I look at things and my view on life in general. It's really hard for me to be positive at all.

But, your post (and others) makes me realize that I am not the only one who feels this way and though, yes, it sucks, we can usually muddle through those hard times. I'm really trying to do that as we speak.

So thanks for making me realize this and I hope things continue to look up for you too. :)

12:13 AM  
Blogger Kerri. said...

I agree whole-heartedly with Julia - you deserve so much credit for taking these steps towards feeling better. And, like Johnboy, I applaud you for being so open and honest. Your honesty is piercing and brave and I respect you deeply.

12:02 AM  
Blogger cass said...

baby steps right? actually going for medication sounds like a big step. whatever happens with the meds, good for you for giving it a chance.

1:31 AM  
Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Be patient with things - it will pay off in the long run. Meds can take a long time to start working, and even longer if you don't like the one you're on and have to change.

Be patient and stick with it. Don't be afraid to tell the docs that it is not working.

10:50 PM  
Blogger julia said...

I've never tried Lexapro. It costs $50 a month on my insurance and I can't afford that. I've heard it's good, though.


Psych meds can take 6 - 8 weeks to do anything. It's incredibly frustrating to wait that long.

I've been taking Paxil, but it's giving me some nasty side effects, so I'm ramping down and will try something else (again) in a couple of weeks. It's torture, trying all this crap.

I wish Welbutrin worked for me - it had no side effects at all.

11:22 PM  

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