Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I didn't end up going to work today... The weather turned out to be a nasty, cold, icy mess! :-(. I'm really not a fan of cold, snow, or ice at all, but, that said, I'm sort of glad that it turned out to be like this. I don't think I could have gone in today anyway~ I never realized how much depression can take out of a person. It's truly astounding.

I've received several comments and posts from readers that have really been so caring and encouraging- a lot telling me that things will get better. I am so appreciate and grateful for those remarks... I just wish I could believe that more for myself.

At this point, I'm extremely negative about everything. I can't count how many times, I've cried, sobbed, or broken down in some way. Yes, I've always been an extremely emotional person in the past- ok, maybe too much so, but that was nothing in comparison to how I've been recently. I'm really falling apart at the seams.

Lately, just about anything and everything gets to me. It could be the smallest thing... yet it would still get to me. I feel like just staying in my apartment and not dealing with anything or anyone.

Speaking of which, more and more, I am noticing how much people suck! I'm not going to go into detail, but why do people try so hard to break others down?! I have never understood why people need to be so mean for no reason.

I know it's probably my own insecurity at fault (it's no mystery, but, yes, I'm extremely insecure). However, I don't understand why people can't just leave me alone. At times I feel like I must have something posted on my forehead that says "Freak!" or something from the reaction I have been receiving from others.

It might sound like I'm paranoid, but I know I'm not imaging it. It's really getting me down... and making feel like shit. Even if I start off the day feeling a little bit better about myself, there's always something or someone that comes along that has to take that away from me. Why must that always happen?

Logically, I realize that I am the one letting people hurt me, but I can't help it...which only shows the pathetic state of my self-esteem.

I think, for some reason, when I notice those reactions from others, I start thinking that there must be something wrong with me...and all these things start going through my head. Am I that bizarre, freakish, or hideous? Maybe so.

That's obviously not everything that's bothering me, but it's a big part of it...

I wish I didn't care so much what other people thought of me.

I wish I was confident in myself and who I am.

I wish I could just be like, fuck you, and move on.

But it somehow always chips away at me.

It's an issue that I probably need to discuss in therapy(among the many, many issues I have). I don't want these kind of things wouldn't continue to break me down...

Yes, there will always be people who are cruel and mean for no reason, and if I let this upset me the way it has, I' m doomed to stay in this state of mind the rest of my life :(... and, obviously, that's not what I want!

It sucks feeling like this. Don't I deserve to be happy too? I mean is being happy really asking for too much?

Sometimes I feel like just throwing my hands up in the air and saying, "what's the point?!" I mean, judging from my past (and recent) experiences, maybe it means that I don't deserve happiness at all and that, despite how much I try, I will never find it in my life...

And if that's the case, then I'm not sure I want to continue this way.

4 Comments:

Blogger BetterCell said...

I would like to help you Andrea, but you do not live in NYC.
The irony is that, I know how I can help so that, "Your Life" becomes more bearable/tolerable/pleasant in ALL that you do.

6:56 PM  
Blogger cassandra said...

hi andrea. this is my first time to your site.

i would like to help you too. i live pretty far away from you though.

you are not alone.

everything starts with something.

one day at a time.

one step at a time.

hang in there!

http://everydayoftheyear.blogspot.com/

2:38 AM  
Blogger David Stefanini said...

I love the blog that you have. I was wondering if you would link my blog to yours and in return I would do the same for your blog. If you want to, my site name is American Legends and the URL is:

www.americanlegends.blogspot.com

If you want to do this just go to my blog and in one of the comments just write your blog name and the URL and I will add it to my site.

Thanks,
David

3:55 PM  
Blogger Chrissie in Belgium said...

To be tough towards others critical remarks you have to like yourself, be proud of yourself. Nobody can fix all their own failures at the same time. What about picking one thing you want to change about yourself and working your butt off to achieve it? When you achieve it, you will definitely have something to be proud of. That will make you stronger, enable you to LIKE yourself, enable you to KNOW that when others treat you badly they are just giving you bullshit. Could this be a help for you. I have used this on myself. It helped me.

11:50 AM  

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