Sunday, February 11, 2007

I know it will come as no surprise to most readers, but I've come to realize that I have been slipping deeper and deeper into a depression. This weekend it reared it's ugly head... I spent most of it extremely down in the dumps. I think I was either in tears or on the verge of tears at almost every moment...

As I've mentioned, I have started to seek therapy at my workplace. Friday, we met up again for a short session. Now, usually, I can pretty much hold myself together in public places, but I think after working a full week and being exhausted, every emotion and anxiety I was having came out!

It's strange, b/c even with my therapist, I'm still apprehensive of being completely honest about how I feel. I know I shouldn't be- I mean, it's her job to listen without judgement and help me deal with the chaos of my life... But, I can't help but worry about what she might be thinking.

Is she thinking, "Oh-my-God, What a Loser? or, "Wow, this girl has a LOT of issues"...

Honestly, if I was in her shoes, I'd probably be thinking that, despite what training and professionalism I am supposed to maintain... I think that, b/c of this, it's really going to be difficult to benefit as fully from these sessions.

However, Friday, when I broke down, even though I was conscious of what I was rambling about, I shared a lot! She got to see a lot of my insecurity, anxiety, self-doubt, hopelessness, and so forth.

I left feeling uneasy. I really don't like revealing that much about myself to people who I don't know that well. It takes a LONG time for me to build trust with others and I felt like I was showing way too much. Very disconcerting for me.

Somewhere during the session, it came out that I wasn't feeling too hopeful about things. I'm not hopeful that therapy, meds, or whatever else is going to help. J. said that that that only shows the magnitude of my depression.

All I know is that I don't want to continue this way... I'm sick of building up my expectations, only to be disappointed... I'm sick of being let down... I'm sick of dealing with chronic illness...

I certainly don't want my life to continue be like this. I'm not enjoying it at all- I'm miserable.

BUT...I just don't see how things are going to change or improve. Let's be real here, usually things don't get easier- at least they don't for me. I don't see how things are going to turn around.

7 Comments:

Blogger julia said...

I know, I'm there too. It really sucks. {{{hugs}}} Take care of yourself.

9:18 PM  
Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey Andrea - sorry to hear that you're in the dumps.

I think it was good of you to open up a bit with your therapist. If you can, I would do more of that. These people are specially trained to deal with issues or perceived issues, and they are bound by strict codes of conduct about keeping everything confidential.

Those sessions will become more and more helpful as you open up more and more with her. You may find that she has some good tools in her toolbox to help with some of the issues - we all struggle with many of the same issues.

It may also be worth your time to ask about a psychiatrist - someone that can get you on an antidepressant. That is sometimes the boost that you need (though it can take time too).

Thinking of you and hoping that you find a way to your sunshine.

Take care.

9:40 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Thanks.

Yeah, I'm strugging. I'm struggling with this more now than ever... or at least it's more apparent now. I'm in such a FUNK right now! $&!$ (ARGH)!!

I don't know what to do or how to help myself (other then seeking therapy, etc), my family are at a loss of how to support or help me, and I think my friends are pretty oblivious.

I don't feel like anyone really understands how I feel or my situation. I'm feeling very alone rght now. :(

Plus, I'm really not looking foward to another work week. I am being given more responsibility at work and I don't feel like now is the right time or place for it. I just started this job a few months ago and I feel like I'm being pushed. Frankly, I don't need the added stress. I'm not sure how I'm going to function... But what choice do I have?

Sorry, guys, I know you didn't ask for a full blown panick attack, so I'll try to stop.

Thanks for you support and encouragement... I certainly could use it and it is appreciated.

10:10 PM  
Blogger Kassie said...

I think therapy is "easy" when you have all that hope... taking such a step despite your misgivings shows huge courage! Hang in there!!

11:55 PM  
Blogger Chrissie in Belgium said...

Andrea, just stick with the therapy! Therapy helps! Things usually feel worse before they get better. It is necessary to open yourself up and be willing to expose what is inside you. Only then can you move forward.

2:06 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Kassie... thanks for your encouragement. It's funny, but I feel anything but courageous right now. I am a leo (lion), but my Dad likes to joke that I am more like the cowardly lion, which is probably true.

I wish I could feel hopeful and trust the process, but I can't say I do... J, my therapist, says that she believes that things will improve... I want to believe that. Guess only time will tell.

thanks again.

Chrissie...

thanks for being there for me- it means a lot.

I am going to stick with therapy... I know I NEED it, but I just wish that I believed more in it and that it does have the potential to help me.

I know, I need to be able to open up more, but it is a hard thing for me... How am I going to change, if I can't be completely honest? I don't think it's really possible.

I kind of wish I could just snap my fingers and things would be different, but of course things are never that simple.

Thanks again for your comment.

10:06 PM  
Blogger MileMasterSarah said...

Depression is hard hard stuff. I’ve had some pretty serious stints with it myself, and I wouldn’t wish that hopeless feeling on anyone. The only way to take it is one day at a time, one step at a time, one minute at a time. It doesn’t last forever though. It feels like it, but you can emerge, and you will. I’ll be thinking about you.

3:11 PM  

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