J., my therapist, and I met again today for another session... It actually didn't start off as I may have wanted it to start, but turned out to be time well spent. After the past few weeks of having emotional breakdowns, I had plenty on my mind... which probably goes without saying. A lot of things came up and we discussed a lot!

Prior to our appointment, I have a habit of thinking about what I am going to say in therapy. I know I really shouldn't do that-therapy should be a place where I'm comfortable enough to let whatever I'm feeling out. But, saying that, I guess I'm just not at the point yet...

In any case, it usually never goes as I plan. Despite what I think I might mention or bring up, things typically go in a totally different direcion. And Friday, was no exception. From the moment I walked into that office, things were already off.

Normally, J. never keeps me waiting. Soon after I get there, she's already out to greet me. Or sometimes she's already at the front desk doing something when I arrive.

However, this time, she was no where to be found. After waiting, and waiting, and waiting, J., finally, comes out. Yes, I was a little annoyed.... which I did my best to hide, but I'm sure she picked up on it.

Yes, it was only a 10 minute wait, but I only get 30 minutes for our session, since I take it during my lunch break. The fact that I wasted 10 minutes of this time in the waiting room just didn't sit too well with me. And since J. knows this, I couldn't figure out why things were delayed.

I think that and the fact that I was already irritable to begin with, gave me the opportunity to bring up something that's been weighing on my mind since I started therapy with her. Quite frankly, I wanted more feedback from her... AND, more importantly, I wanted to know what she thought of us being paired up.

I mean, if we are going to be working together in getting my life on track, I think it's good to evaluate whether this is a good partnership or not. And I wanted her opinion.

Her response didn't really surprise me that much. She kind of turned the questions around on me and asked me what I thought about it. J feels, in her opinion, it's more important for me to feel content with her as my therapist... which, ok, is probably true- it is my life afterall.

Usually, I would be a little apprehensive of being completely honest for fear that the other person is going to become annoyed or angry with me. But I figured that I need to just tell her the truth.

I admitted a lot.

Like:

NO, I'm not confident in how things are going...

And maybe it's unrealistic or just me being impatient, but I sort of thought I would be feeling at least a little different by now...

And, no, I don't feel like we are accomplishing much in therapy...

Plus, it often seems like just when I get started talking, we have to wrap things up, b/c I have to go.

Thirty minutes is really short when you have a lot of issues (LOL).

J. did address all these things. She said that the reason that we haven't gotten to working on more concrete things is b/c she has been trying to get to know me first. How can she help me if she hasn't learned enough about me to do so?

Also, she brought up that she could tell that I am having a bit of a hard time expressing myself with her. And even said that from the outside, I often misrepresent how I feel by camouflaging things with a smile.

J. noticed how I'll be talking about all these difficult things and yet there will be a smile on my face while I do so.

Yeah, that does seem a little weird, but it's hard for me to just let all those emotions out when talking with someone I don't know that well. I think maybe, in a way, it's also my way of fooling myself and, perhaps, her, that things aren't as bad or pathetic as they sound. And that's something we need to explore.

J knows that it's going to take time for me to feel comfortable and that we can't expect that right away. And that even thoughI'm impatient, how can I expect things to change if she isn't fully tuned into that everything that is going on!

It makes sense. I can't expect that- I know I need to give it more time.

As for the short sessions, in March I will be getting longer appointments, so I think that will make a difference too. Also, she is going to see if I can get an appointment with the psychiatrist sooner. (I think she realizes that my depression is more severe that originally thought and I may need and benefit from medication-which I have mixed feelings about, but am wiling to try).

All in all, I think it was a good appointment. I got some things out in the open that needed to be said and I think we are going to continue to work together. I admit, I may have reacted unfairly, at first, due to my impatience and irritability, but she did understand and I get the feeling that she does genuinely want to help me.