Sunday, March 25, 2007

Sadly, the weekend is over :( ... It sucks that it's over and another Monday is approaching, but I guess that's how it goes. Hopefully, it will go a little smoother than last week.

Speaking of which, I didn't post about it, but just about a week ago, I had a little mishap driving to work.

It was Monday, and I figured that b/c of that I should leave a little earlier as there seems to be more traffic and delay on my commute on that particular day of the week... Looking back on what happened, I wish I didn't bother.

Anyway, I was driving along on my way to work, simply minding my own business. I had just pulled onto the Saw Mill Parkway, making pretty good time, when something awful happens. I look over to the left, over my shoulder, at the traffic going in the opposite direction. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice something coming off the roof of one of the vans or small trucks as it's going around the curve.

Holy SHIT, it's ice! And not just a little icicle or two, but a BIG block of ice! It didn't take me long to realize that it's heading in my direction and I think, OMG, it's going to hit ME! And, of course, it does...

I must of went into shock for a minute or two- but when I come back to reality, I can't believe what just happened... or the crack that was left on my windshield. It's not just a small little crack by any means, but a large (almost) circular crack spanning from the middle of the windshield all the way towards the passenger side of my car. Not only that, but later I notice that there is more damage right under the windshield on the trim of my windshield and a small dent on the hood as well.

I didn't know whether to try and pull over or to keep going, but I opted to keep going. Frankly, there is no where to go to pull over on that parkway... so I didn't have much of a choice.

I end up getting to work on time, but by the time I get off the phone with my insurance to report the incident, it doesn't matter, I end up being late. Sometimes I just don't know why I even ever bother trying :(.

I get myself into my department, but am extremely shaken up. I had an extremely hard time getting myself together, but, somehow, I made it through the rest of the day... which I was surprised I was able to do. I wasn't sure that that would be possible, but I knew that I had to go on with the day.

Admittedly, the next night I lost it and was extremely upset. Yes, I realize that it could have been a lot worse, I could have been seriously injured, lost control of my car, or even worse (yikes!), but I still couldn't get over the fact that this had happened. And, it bothers me still!

I am so enraged that it damaged my car. I loved that car before this happened, it was perfect, and now it's simply not :-< ! Having something in such a good state, w/o being damaged in some way, just doesn't seem possible for me. There always has to be someone or something that has to ruin that for me...and I just don't get that.

Why is it that everything that I have that is good or brings me some type of pleasure has to be taken away? I can't lie that sometimes I really do feel like a black cloud is following me around... B/c this type of thing seems so unfair and ridiculous and yet it happened... and, to who else, but ME. The more I think of it the more upset and angry it makes me.

I am extremely enraged at the driver who got away with doing this to me... I know it wasn't purposeful, but b/c of that person's inconsideration and laziness at cleaning off his car properly, it has caused me a lot of anxiety and stress (not to mention inconvenience).

Unfortunately, since he was driving on the other side of the road, there was no way to get his license or any information to report him. So, in other words, he gets off scott-free! I don't like wishing bad things on people, but I truly hope that karma is a bitch and that what goes around- comes around.

And to top it all off, I am beyond enraged at the money, time, and inconvenience this all has cost me. I have spent so much time on the phone (at work, no the less) with the insurance working out the details of the accident, the arrangement of trying to get it fixed, and details involving how much it is going to cost me. Frankly, I have hard enough trouble making ends meet as is and this expense is so uncalled for and the last thing I need.

I cannot stress just how FUCKED UP that is!!!

I just want to go back in time and reverse this all from happening. I know that's not possible, but I wish there was some way.

And as a bonus, this, obviously, doesn't help my depression or anxiety issues. When people tell me to be patient and to believe that things are going to get better for me, this is part of the reason why I have such a hard time doing that. Because, whether it is a freak incident or not, I can't help but feel that only these types of things are what awaits me on my path in life. Everything seems to be a struggle or difficult in some way- and, I cannot deny that I feel like I am truly unlucky.

Today, driving home from my parents today, I came across a Guns N' Roses song on the radio. Frankly, I've never been a fan of the group, but as I was listening, I realized what a good song it is. I think the title says it all... As we all know it's definitely not my strong suit, but maybe others out there know more than I do about life in general and the future, so, saying this, I am trying.

So here's the video (which is kind of weird and brings back the whole '80s vibe), but, as I said, the song is a good one and worth a listen.


Blogger cass said...

well, that was certainly a close call! so happy to hear that you are ok and that the car was the only thing that sustained damage.

these things (sometimes terrible things) happen to us all.

everybody has bad days.
everybody hurts.

a lot of what makes a day good or bad is in perspective.

i know this so well, because sometimes i am a pessimist. admittedly, i wonder if it is not in my nature to be pessimistic. every situtation i am in, i may tend to see it as dark, gloomy, and just awful.

while i say this, outwardly, i am a pretty chearful person. and inwardly, i work on making myself more chearful and optimistic. the first step for me, was recognizing that i was interpreting situations with negative bias. that i was being pessamistic. and that sometimes i had a persecution complex.

recognizing that perhaps some of what i thought was bad was simply my interpretation, my perspective, my mind skewing my perceptors, i took the next step. not to say that i am finished by any means. it is a daily struggle.

but the next step, for me, was to realize just what feelings are. anger, sadness, hopelessness, happiness, excitement, peace. it's really about control. about realizing that I am in control of MY OWN feelings and reactions. i am not at the mercy of the forces that surround me. i DO HAVE some control over how i react and how i feel. i DO HAVE a choice.

even if it feels wrong, if everything in my mind is telling me to cry, to be angry or bitter or sad, sometimes i go ahead and force myself to smile. to think of something positive. even though i naturally want to just be upset. i try to manipulate my feelings. to FORCE myself to look on the bright side.

at first it is just like an experiment. i have to be WILLING to try to get better, i tell myself. and then, then i go ahead and force it.

sometimes i try to think hypothetically. "in this situation, if i was john, how might i react?" and then, i see how it makes me feel to react differently. it's like i am an actor, trying out different parts to see if anything feels good to me, for a permanent replacement.

sometimes doing this feels really wrong. sometimes i wonder if i am putting on a mask to hide my true feelings. and it can be confusing. WHO am i? am i actually changing who i am?

but other times, it is contageous. i smile (even though my heart is crying) and i get reactions. other people smile. and that makes me REALLY smile.

and really, everyone changes. it is a part of growing, and becoming a better person. so, it isn't so odd to go through stages of embarking on new territory. new ways of dealing with situations.

somewhere between faking it and living it, i became a happier person.

granted, i never saw a therapist, and this is all self-help, self prescribed therapy. but it worked for me.

3:14 AM  
Blogger BetterCell said...

The story of your car, reminds me of what happened to you Andrea. Each of you "perfect" until the Accident. A dent and broken windshield on your car and a "dent" (Diabetes) onto your Body. In both cases, you and your car are still able to function. They may not "look" the same, but the spirit still remains within. The blame as to why it happened and who is responsible(for both you and your car) is not as important so much as what to do from here now that it has happened.
As to the music.......who cares whether it is from the 80's, 20's, 90's or whenever, if it describes how you feel, then that is what is important.

10:31 AM  
Blogger Johnboy said...

I once was hit by a piece of wooden flying road debris on the Baltimore Beltway.

I was coming straight for me, but hit and dented the hood first, then flipped around and hit the radio antenna, leaving a sideways "V" shape in the antenna.

After that, it continued to spin and hit and smashed the drivers side window.

It scared the hell out of me and left me all shaken up.

Wondering what to do, I drove the car to the State Patrol station, which was on my way to work. I sat there wondering what I was going to say and finally realized that nothing I could say would matter.

So I drove to work with my left and protecting my face from any glass and then just took the car at lunch to have the glass replaced.

Andrea, you might want to check with your insurance. This might be a comprehensive insurance claim, in which case they can put it back together for you just the way it was without much money, if any from you.

Hang in there!

7:14 AM  

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