Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I have been meaning to post... and I'd like t say that I have a good reason why I haven't, but I really don't have any excuse.

Actually, scratch that. I think part of the reason I put off writing was b/c I was sort of hoping that I would have better things to report than I do... But, sadly, I'm still doing about the same.

Depression is a very powerful thing and, though I feel like I am trying to find ways to deal with it... I'm struggling. It really sucks.

Lately, I've been trying to figure out where my depression stems from. I really don't know. I know they say Diabetics are at least 2x as likely to experience depression, but I think my own started even prior to diagnosis.

I think a big part of my depression stems from my own self-esteem. Honestly, I am severely lacking in this department. And I think that this has been going on for a long time. There's not a whole lot of things I like about myself and sometimes I feel like I really don't like anything at all.

Having low self-esteem and being insecure makes going through life pretty difficult. I can definitely attest to that! Instead of trusting my own opinions and beliefs about myself, I look to other people for feedback on how I should feel about myself. And, let's face it, people can be very cold and judgemental...

I know it's bad that I do this, but I can't seem to help it. Whenever I walk into a public area, I scan the room to see if anyone is looking at me strangely o if anyone has a negative reaction. And then if I see anything or hear anything that I interpret as negative, I automatically assume that it's about me and it usually ruins my whole day...

It probably sounds pretty crazy to a lot of people,and maybe it is, but it is something I really struggle with. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I won't even go out somewhere, b/c I know that this will probably happen. In other words, it's getting in the way of me living my life.

I've done a lot of thinking about this and I can understand, to a point, why I do this. Like I said, my self-esteem and self-image is very low. I don't value or trust my own opinion whatsoever. So I look to others, in essence-strangers, for reassurance that I am okay... And when I don't get the reaction or feedback I desire, it really breaks me down even further.

I know I got to stop this. Why should I let what someone else, a stranger, define who I am or dictate how I feel about myself? The logical side of me knows that it just doesn't seem right. It's a pretty self-destructive way of going through life. But I really don't know how to change this. It's almost something I do automatically

Despite seeking therapy(both individual and group) and trying different medications, my overall outlook on life is still poor... I still don't feel hopeful about things changing or improving for me and this really saddens me. At this point, I'm not sure that anything is going to help :(.

I wish I could say that these things are making a difference for me, but I'd be lying if I said that. My psych actually suggested that I add another medication to see if it helps... I guess it's something to consider...

BUT, this is a medication that is unlike anything else I've taken before. And, of course, with my luck the way it is, two of the main side effects are increased blood sugar AND weight GAIN! So I do have some apprehension. Not really good things for a diabetic...especially since lately my control has sucked majorly! :(

However, saying that, the dose I am going to be on is very low and who's to say that i will experience these things? And, if it helps me, then maybe it's worth the risks.... I could always stop it if it doesnt help or if the side effects get to be too much. I may just have to try it and find out...


So I know I've posted about this person I met, M., that I was really interested in getting to know. Well, looks like we are not going to be friends after all... which really saddens me.

Honestly, I felt a connection between M and myself... and I was drawn to M, for some reason. But it doesn't look like it was meant to be. And, it probably is mostly my own fault. I tend to push people away and this case was no exception. It's really too bad.


Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey A,

Sorry to hear that things are not up for you. Keep working on it - I really feel they will turn for the better.

Give the med a try - I bet that if you can get your head in a better place that you will be able to fight off the rise in BG and weight gain - though I agree they are scary side effects!

Take care!

2:23 PM  
Blogger BetterCell said...

Come to NYC Andrea where I will "cure" you with Delicious Pancakes or French Toast w/Vermont Maple Syrup or Fresh Fruit Topping and the BEST coffee you have ever tasted(I mix my own beans).
You can stay at my place.
But you have to bring your own Insulin for titration(BYO).
You have no Email Address.

8:47 PM  

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