Thursday, April 19, 2007

It's 12:38 am and, yes, I should be sleeping right now, but I can't... I don't know why exactly, but I'm feeling VERY alone tonight. In fact, as I write this, tears are falling. I'm sad, to put it in the most simplistic words I can probably express. But it pretty much sums ME up right now.

I know I only write here to express my sadness... at least most of the time, but I guess I don't know what else to do. There is no one else I can really talk to about this- or if there is, I don't feel like they truly understand.

My family, for example, tries to help, but mostly they tell me to just get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe they are right. I know I am throwing major pity parties for myself, but, despite that, aren't I still entitled to how I feel?

I feel like I have SO much hurt inside and no matter what I do or what I try- no matter what effort I make, it's no use. I am never going to get rid of it. And it really sucks.

I hate to admit this, but I get even more upset when I hear that someone I know, or am close to, is doing well. Ok, yes, it's pure jealousy. But, for some reason, when I hear that someone is really happy, excited, or is just doing well with whatever it is, it just makes me feel worse about my own situation.

It's not something I'm proud of- no, like I said, I hate that. I mean, I don't want to see anyone I care about in a bad situation by any means, but I think it bothers me how life seems to be a lot easier for them. Meanwhile, life is just shitty for me...

Lately, the best I feel is indifferent. And, like I said, that's on a good day. Then there are days like today where I just feel like this- like, I don't know if I can take anymore.

I'm sick of feeling stressed and anxious all the time. I'm sick of feeling self-conscious and insecure. I'm sick of feeling awkward and like a freak. I'm sick of dealing with idiots and stupidity. I'm sick of feeling badly about myself. I'm sick of my Diabetes. I'm sick about just about everything. And, yet, I don't know what or how to change.

Speaking of the Diabetes, I've been meaning to post about my last appointment. Well, as you may or may not know, there has been quite a lapse in time between my last appointment, which was just a couple weeks ago, and the one prior to that.

During that time, I had left my old, horrid job and started my current one and, therefore, had no insurance for about a 4 month period of time. Now, to my dismay, whenever I go w/o seeing a doctor, CDE, or dietitian for a while, I seem to lose my grip on my diabetes control. And, sadly, this time was no exception.

So, I did have an inkling that things could probably stand improvement. However, I had no idea that my controlled had slipped so much. I found out that my A1c went up from a 6.7 to a grand (NOT) 8.4. Talk about a big jump!

Obviously, this isn't the news I would hope for, but I guess it's important for me to know where things stand. Again, obviously, there is work to be done and I need to buckle down and get back on track, b/c I do think this is unacceptable and I am disappointed in myself.

Yup, just another disappointment, but, yeah, there's really only me to blame, so ... what else is new.

Anyway, I am going to try again at getting some shut eye. I know I better, b/c I will be having to get up for work in only a few short hours (lucky me!) and, if it isn't already a struggle to go in, a lack of sleep probably won't help matters. I'm hoping I'll feel a little better tomorrow, but I don't count on it... b/c most likely something will go wrong. Something always does.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Andrea,
I hope you were able to get some sleep. I hope the sun is shining this morning and will lift your spirits. I hope you can talk to a friend and share your frustrations. I hope you feel better soon.

7:24 AM  
Anonymous the refluxively reflexive guy said...

Hey.

It's okay to feel frustrated at times when having to live with a condition none of us ever asked for. It's tough to be one of the 1 in 500, so frequently surrounded by others including family and friends who can't really grasp what it is like to live every freaking second, minute, and hour of a day with the nagging presence of this condition that our health care providers instruct us to monitor largely on our own constantly.

Heck yeah it's lonely. I've had plenty of the sleepless hours too. I can't promise that it, the condition of this condition, ever gets better. But I've also learned over time that I can get better some at dealing with it and handling it. You just got to keep fighting for it, even in the worst of it. I've been there, I've been places so dark I wouldn't wish them upon anyone. Yet I'm still here now.

That, that is worth something. We're all worth something. Fight for it.

9:03 AM  
Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey Andrea,

Glad to see an update. I have been thinking of you and wondering how things have been.

I really like what TRRG said above.

Take care, and I hope you start feeling better.

9:24 AM  
Blogger LaLa said...

Andrea,

I know they say that "time heals all wounds", or something to that effect, but I know that's not always the case. I think the combination of issues you're dealing with make it feel like you're fighting a losing battle. I wish I had some suggestions or words of wisdom, but I'm afraid all I can offer is my empathy because I've had my periods of time where I've felt very unimpressed with life and saw very little value in it.

My only advice would be to focus on finding out what truly makes you happy. I often find that when I'm unhappy, it's because I'm trying so hard to keep everyone else around me happy and not upset with me; I lose sight of who I am and what I need. Once I recognize that and put the focus back on me (as unselfishly as possible!) things seem to improve. You deserve to be happy. It's as simple as that.

All the best :)

10:28 AM  
Blogger Kassie said...

I wish I had advice and good counsel for you! Keep talking or writing about it. I hope you can find someone in your world to help. Hang in there!

11:54 AM  
Blogger Johnboy said...

(((Andrea)))

This is so hard, I know. I'm not sure who this TRRG is, but he sounds smart. Listen to him. :)

All the best,
J.B.

5:45 PM  
Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey Andrea,

Thinking of you and wondering how things are going for you.

10:54 AM  

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