Friday, January 06, 2006

Just one day after making my resolutions and I've already had a slip-up :( :( :( . Actually it happened last night, which is not even a full day of making these goals for myself- How pathetic can I be? I'm so disappointed and angry with myself. I should know better, I really should, but yet this still happened. UGH! :o(

I got home from the gym last night around the same time as usual and started to make my dinner. My blood sugar before dinner was a perfect 96 :) . But me, being the skeptic, knew that wasn't going to last for long...so I wasn't too excited about it. Anyway, I proceeded to have my salad and I made some whole wheat pasta as well. While I was waiting for my pasta to cook, I started nibbling on whatever I could find...which is a habit I've GOT to break. Not only does the grazing make it difficult to account for everything you eat, but how can you take an accurate bolus to cover what you eat? It's too difficult. Luckily, my pasta didn't take too long to cook- so my munching didn't last that long. I measured about 3/4 cup of pasta, so I had an idea of how many carbs to bolus for and I added an extra unit or so to balance out the munching I had done. About an hour or so later, I was hungry again- I always get SO hungry at night. I decided to make myself some oatmeal, which I also measured out and bolused for. Later on that evening around 10ish, I tested. To my shock and dismay, my blood sugar was hovering in the high 300 range :-o . So at this point, I was like, the hell with it...I might as well pig out if this is where my blood sugar is anyway! And that's what I did. I ate A LOT! and then the reality and the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks and then I did something really BAD. I think most of you probably can figure out what it was I did without me saying it...which after I was done, made me feel even worse. I felt like such a PIG with absolutely NO self-control. What the hell's wrong with me?

I have my theories on why this happened, but I can't say that I am definite on the reason for this situation. My primary explanation is Stress. I readily admit that I am horrible at coping with stressful situations. When faced with one, I resort back to unhealthy habits- as demonstrated last night. It's probably pretty obvious from a lot of these posts that I've been stressing over pretty much everything. If it's not family issues, it's friend issues. If it's not friends, it's work. If it's not work, it's guys...will the madness ever end?

Last night, I think it happened to be a guy issue...yet again. I've basically been playing phone tag with D., the guy my co-worker, W., introduced me to. Finally, we were able to get in touch with each other, but, for some reason, I was full of nervousness and anxiety. I guess that's not too atypical for me, but I don't know why I let myself become so tense over these issues. He's just a person, like me, and if it works out,great, but if not, then maybe it's not meant to be. However, I think what's making me more anxious about it is b/c I just cut things off with G., who my friend S. arranged for me to contact. Well, I won't get into that- I'll save that for another post, but I was somewhat hurt by what happened, which surprises me. For now, I'll just say that I wasn't content with how things were going and thought it would be best to end things.

Anyway, I think that and the fact that my blood sugar was extremely over what it should have been, pushed me over the line. Yeah...I wasn't surprised that it was high, b/c it's always high at that time of night, but I was surprised at how high it was. So I called my Endo's office and arranged to have my apt. moved up to Monday. I plan to discuss this with him, I am sick at seeing these highs night after night and I am going to bring up Symlin again. Hopefully, I'll be able to give it a go and see what happens from there.

To me it obvious that changes need to be made...especially after last night. I do NOT want that to happen again. Not only is it awful, but it's so unhealthy. I know I'm human, so I'll venture that it won't be the last time. However...I don't want it to be a continuing problem. I'm hoping that venting about it and getting started on Symlin will be a step in the right direction.

10 Comments:

Blogger julia said...

I may be butting in and being too much of a busybody by suggesting this, but it sounds to me like you need to find a therapist, post haste.

What did you do? Make yourself puke? that's the only thing I can think of that would engender such guilt. And if you're doing that on even an irregular basis, it's dangerous and should be addressed by a professional.

11:29 AM  
Blogger Andrea said...

No, I don't think you are being a busybody at all. I appreciate your concern.

I have an appointment with my Endocrinologist today, and I'm going to bring this up with him. I know it's a horrible thing to do and dangerous. I really should know better, given my history, but I guess in the moment it's hard to think so clearly.

Again, thanks for your comment and concern. I'm going to try my best not to let this happen again.

12:17 PM  
Blogger Erica said...

Just offering a {{hug}}...

Good luck meeting with your endo and perhaps when you get some good results it will prevent the binges.

When I was just being dx'd I had a day like that where I knew how dangerously high my bs was, I wasn't on insulin yet but I said f*ck it and ate whatever I wanted with no regard anymore to hunger but purely out of anxiety, stress and frustration. My bs must have jumped even higher because then the thirst was so bad I drank kool aid until I puked.

Each day is an opportunity to start out fresh. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Hope symlin helps with your highs or that your endo has some other good advice to offer.

2:15 PM  
Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

I know that for me, when my BG's are high, not only am I hungry (what kind of cruel and evil punishment is that?!), but I am less resistant to the attacks of depression and other temptations.

That being said, we all know that our BG's sometimes go high for no good reason. It's so hard to keep our heads on straight, but maybe just being aware that our wills are weaker when high will help you to be resilient through those times.

Diabetes is never easy, and we all still have the rest of regular life to contend with, which is usually not easy either.

A good solid nights sleep every night will help you keep that willpower up. It's so easy to short ourselves on sleep, but when we're tired we are mentally weaker.

So, get to bed early tonight and attack these issues with a fresh mind when you wake up.

Stay strong!

5:04 PM  
Blogger julia said...

Good luck with the endo appointment. I'm eager to hear how it goes and I hope you get some good advice and help.

If it does happen again, try not to get too upset about it. It's so easy to beat yourself up when you do something you think is bad or stupid - I'm very guilty of doing that to myself. This is why I have a big, huge therapy bill and a lovely little prescription for anti-depressants. I'd do just about anything to not feel that way, so I know what you're going thru. {{hug}}

1:04 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

You all are the best :) Thanks for your caring words and support- it means a lot to me.

Julia-I think you are right- I do need therapy :)lol:)...not that there's anything wrong with that (look at all those famous people who go). I actually want to find a support group...I think that would help me tremendously- so I'll do my research.

Erika- sounds like you understand how I was feeling... I was just completely overwhelmed with all these emotions and I just let it get the best of me. I like what you say about each day being a new day...I am going to try to keep that in mind when things get tough.

Scott-what you wrote really stikes a chord with me... It's true when my blood sugar go to either extreme, I am less able to deal with my emotions. (I have a hard time dealing with them as it is). I sometimes don't know how to cope with such situations like this one and I end up doing something self-destructive. I know I got to find better ways of handling stress, obviously overeating and the such is not the answer. I think lack of sleep also may have had a role. I go to sleep way too late. I should know better- I always say to stay away from me when I am hungry or tired, b/c I'm an emotional basketcase, and yet I still stay up beyond what i should. Going to try and work on that :)

As for my appointment, I am going to write a blog and update you all on my Endo visit, it didn't turn out as I had hoped, unfortunately. I guess that's how it goes sometimes.

{{{Hugs back at you all!}}}

2:49 PM  
Anonymous Cin said...

Andrea,
I just found your blog again. YAY for me. LOL. I'm sorry that you are going through all of this. Stress really does do a number on bgs. I'm dealing with alot of that now with work and personal matters.Hopefully my numbers will level out soon. Hang in there. There is a ray of hope out there. {{{HUGS}}}
BTW, why is it that we get so hungry when the bg's are high??? Anyone know???

10:41 AM  
Anonymous Tiffany said...

Andrea,

Firstly, let go of it, girl. So you screwed up, fell off the wagon. Big frigging deal. Everyone does it. Don't dwell on it; learn from it. Instead of berating yourself, say "Next time this happens, I am going to [insert behaviour you feel is appropriate]". You are NOT pathetic, you are HUMAN.

Question: Do you dual wave bolus for Pasta and Oatmeal?

I agree with Julia in that you need some sort of external support group, whether that be a therapist, Diabetic Support Group, or even a Positive Empowerment course. Hell, if you want my phone number so you have someone to talk to when you feel this way, I'll gladly give it to you.

Cin, the KISS explanation for polyphagia (excessive hunger) as a result of hyperglycemia: your body is like a furnace. When there is a lack of insulin in the body, the required energy for production is not being utilized. Your cells are starving, and your body is starving. Just like a low, but different parameters. Eventually the body breaks down fat cells (et al) for energy, leading to the dreaded DKA. But meanwhile, you're just ravenous.

Hang in there, Andrea. If you need an ear, feel free to float me an email!

3:58 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

Hey Cin and Tiff...:)

Just want to say thank-you for your understanding and support. I really appreciate you taking the time to write back such kind and thoughtful words. What would I do w/o you all?

Cin- yeah, I wish I was better equipped to deal with stress. I am horrible at it. I often revert to old (BAD) habits :( and usually it leaves me feeling worse than I did. I know it's something I need to work on.

Anyway, thanks for reminding me that this is a ray of light out there. Usually, what we stress out about are only temporary problems and aren't as bad as we anticipate. Hopefully, things have gotten better for you too.


Tiff- Almost called you your old screen name (lol :) ). You have always been so sweet to me. I know you are extremely busy, so it really means a lot to me that you took the time to write. :)

I realize I handled things extremely in the wrong way. I guess when I'm that stressed out (and anxious), and my bs is so high, it's hard for me to think straight. Yup, I messed up. Hopefully, next time I feel that way, I'll handle things a little differently.

To answer your question, no, I didn't dual wave bolus- I don't even know how to do that. I thought if i just bolused normally, I should be ok. Obviously, I did something wrong. I'm going to have to learn how to do that, b/c I'm having more and more problems with HI bg at night...and it's starting to drive me crazy! It's funny, b/c I used to lose my appetite when I was hi and now the opposite is happening. It's interesting what you say about that.

I know I could really benefit by talking to others about my "issues" in a live setting. I'm going to have to track down a support group. It helps to know others out there relate and understand how I feel.

Well, this is a rather long comment, but I want you all to know that I thank-you from the bottom of my heart :). Please know that I'm here for you all too...If I can help any of you in anyway, I'd be happy to try and if I can't, I am a great listener anyway.

All the best and please continue to keep in touch ;)

10:48 AM  
Anonymous tiffany said...

Andrea, you handled things the only way that you could handle them under the emotional stress of what you were feeling. It may not have been the 'right' reaction, but it was an honest, emotional one. Forgive yourself for that. It's OK.

On the technical side of things, I can certainly get you started in learning how to use your dual/square wave boluses if you'd like. Has it been a while since you've verified that your evening bolus ratio is right? No matter how much grazing you do, if your bolus ratio is correct, then you shouldn't be dealing with such aggressively high BG's at night. I don't like to step in where I'm not wanted, so let me know if you want me to butt out or if you'd like a hand.

On a side note, I don't get hungry myself when I have a Hyperglycemic episode. I feel too sick. But then again, I tend to be like that with Hypo's too....

11:00 PM  

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