Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The word of the day (or should I say of my life?) is Disappointment :(

I'm disappointed :(... I'm not going to lie or try to deny that. What am I disappointed about? Well, let's put it this way, what aren't I disappointed about... I know, I know, I'm sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself...and I am, but I can't help it. I just feel like the only thing I've been given in life is disappointment after disappointment. Life can be really shitty at times.

I kind of know what this all stems from- actually a holiday that just passed. Yep, you guessed it, New Year's Eve. All along I was saying that I don't want to go out this year. However, I had made plans with my friends and I would feel horrible bailing out on them. Plus, I felt like I had to do something different and step out of my comfort zone, which I definitely did. But , saying that, I guess I had this hope that things were going to turn out better than I had expected. It's not that things were awful, but I guess I was expecting more out of the evening. I guess I feel like I need to share what happened that evening.

My friends arrived around 6:30, or there abouts. At that time, snow has just begun to fall and so they arrived a little later than originally planned. All three of them were loaded up with their clothes, bedding, and stuff for our little party (mainly alcohol). After they unloaded their supplies, we just started relaxing and being silly. I have to admit, it was fun. We weren't really doing anything, but bullshitting, eating, and, yes, drinking. Before we knew it, it was already past 8:30 pm, so me and little J. both decided that we had better get ready to go out. We changed, did our make-up and hair, and waited to get the call that the limo was on the way.

One of J.'s friends,who incidentally also is named J. (I'll call her big J. ), wanted to go with some of her friends. They had arranged to get a limo and said there would be room for us if we wanted to go with them. Now, other then big J. , the remaining three of us didn't really know any of them, but we thought if it was a free ride and if they are going to the same places we are, why not? Honestly, they aren't people I would usually hang out with, but for one evening, I thought we would manage. So after we got the call, we drove over and met them @ the AAA building.

We didn't have to wait too long before the limo pulled up. I could tell that J's friends already had a few drinks in them (but so did we), b/c they were acting a bit happy, or should I say intoxicated. Actually, we all were, all of us were just trying to have fun. Basically, just telling jokes and laughing. Some of us were also drinking, but of our group, only big J. took part.

Our group finally arrived to the downtown Danbury area, after taking the long way. Usually, it would only take about 5-10 minutes at most to get there, but I guess some of the roads were blocked off and that made things a little difficult. Also, I don't think the driver was that familiar with the area. Honestly, I don't think it mattered that much...we all knew we would have enough time to hang out and have fun.

Big J. also had "supposedly" passes for open, bar at this place called 11. Let's just say, I probably won't be returning there...It was somewhat sketchy in there and I don't think any of us were that comfortable. So we had a drink each (which didn't turn out to be free :( ) and were on our way. From there, we went to this bar called Two Steps. Most of my friends like this place, but I actually don't see what was so wonderful about it. It's just a bar-nothing that special, but my friends seem to think there is a better crowd there, so I guess that could be why they like it. We stayed therefor a short while, had a drink, and then big J. met up with someone she met on Myspace.com.

I just have to say that this guy is the complete opposite of her, he's kind of on the nerdy side, quiet, and sort of small in frame and stature. Big J, on the other hand, is loud, bossy, and kind of on the big side. So it was sort of funny when she walked in with this guy. Then all of a sudden she was sort of pushing him on me (not literally). She's like "Oh, I'd think he'd be a good match for you." Well, frankly, I don't think that was the case or that she thought that either, but I'll get to that later on.

We chit chatted there for awhile and then decided to go to this club across the street called Tuxedo Junction. This place was packed...basically with a lot of younger people. They had music blaring and the dance floor was completely full and stayed that way for most the night. I have to admit, they did have a good band, but as far as the crowd goes, I was disappointed.

My friends, however, seemed to do ok with the crowd. My friend, little J, seemed to do just fine. When we were up by the bar, this guy just grabbed her and kissed her. Then later on, she met another friend. This guy would not loosen his grip on her. He danced with her practically the whole night and if she tried to get away from him for a minute or two, he would seek her out and find her. Then her friend, big J., and the guy from Myspace ended up making out the whole night...which was a bit surprising. Here she was telling me he would be a good match for me, but I guess she decided that he was even better for her. Actually, I was ok with that, I wasn't really interested in him to be truthful. So it seemed that those two were really hitting it off with the guys, which left me and M. M., whom I've known off and on for the last few years, seemed to attract someone too. This guy was extremely sketchy, though, and kind of gross. I don't know how it happened, but he grabbed hold of her and wouldn't let her go. Finally, he released her, but not with out a bit of a struggle. She kind of clinged to big J's friend for a moment or two...eventually, the sketchy guy lost interest. OMG, if I didn't say it before, he was gross.

Which brings things to me, I didn't meet anyone :( . Honestly, I think I had hoped to...which is why I think felt disappointed. Then the fact that these other girls did, not that I would have wanted to meet "their" guys, made me even more discouraged. I don't get it...some of these girls really aren't attractive at all and for they to just meet people so easily, is beyond me. I know I wasn't expecting to meet Prince Charming, especially considering the place we were in, but I had somehow thought that things would be different.

So that's what's kind of put me in this "mood". I've been moping around the last few days and, basically, just feeling down. I know the fact that I had a lot of alcohol probably doesn't help matters. It brings you up temporarily, but then brings you down even harder...it's a depressant. However, I didn't think it would affect me to the extent it has a day or so later. Not to mention, lack of sleep. I know that definitely affects my mood from past experience. That night we didn't get to sleep til after 4 and we all were up by 9, so I got less than 5 hrs of sleep. All those factors and dealing with the fact that the holidays are over have put me in a slightstate of depression.

I know I need to snap out of it- I don't want to continue to throw these pity parties for myself- they never help matters. However, I'm not sure of how to change things. I know having a positive attitude about life is important, but it's hard to be that way after being handed disappointment after disappointment. I just wish things were easier- everything for me always has to be difficult and I hate that!

One of my New Year's goals is to have more fun and be more optimistic, but I have doubts that things will change. Yes, I know it's up to me and that I have the power to change things, but I think that's being a bit too simplistic, and unfortunately, life is not so simple. Also, I don't even know where to begin or how to change, but I know I have to begin somewhere. The thought of having a repeat of 2005 and 2004 does not appeal to me, and if that's what happens it will be just another disappoinment.


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