It felt good to let you all in on the cosmetic surgery I'm considering. However, now I am having a hard time getting my family to understand and support my decision to move forward with this.
Just tonight, I IMed with my sister, K., about this issue. Needless to say, she is also dead-set against it and was very upset that I'm considering this. She laid this whole guilt trip on me about how my mom and her were both upset (and crying) over this. Yes, it hurts me to think that it bothers them that much, but then I feel angry too.
I' m angry, b/c I would think (and hope) that they would support me should I choose to proceed with this. I mean, don't they want me to be happy? Ok, maybe happy isn't the right word... I guess what I'm asking is, why wouldn't they want me to do something that could make me feel better about myself? I would think that they would want that for me, but their reaction says otherwise.
My sister even went as far as to say that I'm stupid, dumb, and how she's embarrassed by me. And, if I do this, she doesn't want to speak to me or have anything to do with me. Her opinion is that this isn't going to help my self-esteem at all or change how I feel about myself... that what I really need is therapy. It's funny b/c in one breath she is saying how what I really need is therapy, but then in the next she is calling me all these names. I suppose that's what's really going to help my self esteem.
Yeah, I guess I had expected this reaction from her, but I don't really comprehend where all the anger is coming from. Why is this making her so upset? I think if the roles were reversed, I may not agree with her decision, but then I would also know that it's her decision to make. But, who knows, it's hard when you are not in that actual position... I also might be as against it as she is...I could very well be.
I hate that it has to be such an issue, but I can't live my life based on what she agrees or disagrees with. I have to do what I think is best for me and, yeah, it would be nice to be supported in my decisions, but I guess you can't always count on that. I'm hoping my family will come around, but even if they don't, I think I have to stand my ground. I am an adult and should be able to make this choice for myself.
As things stand now, I am not even sure if I am going to move ahead with these procedures. I have some hesitation... ok, a lot of hesitation regarding this. One thing being that it is surgery and that's not something to be taken lightly. Secondly, I'm nervous about the results. I don't want to end up with a botched nose job or what have you. That would really not be good. And lastly, and most importantly, my family. It's hard to go ahead with something like this when you don't have your loved ones behind you backing you up. I wish they could try and understand more, but I feel like arguing with them is hopeless. They see things their own way and don't see how things are from my perspective.
Maybe it's selfish and shallow and ridiculous, but I can't let anyone, not even my family, make this decision for me. Or I know it's going to be something I will regret. So I hope I can gain some support from you all... God knows, I could use it.
posted by Andrea at
10:39 PM
10 Comments:
Hey, Andrea.
I have not commented previously because I feel this decision is highly personal...so personal that even loved ones may hold a contrary view.
I don't know everything about your relationships with your family, but I would expect that they would come to your assistance with support even if they disagree with your decision.
In the final analysis, you are in charge of your own life and the decision is yours.
All the best,
J.B.
Andrea,
Only you know what is best for you. Your family should support you in your decision, but if they don't you still have to do what is best for you.
Sometimes standing up for yourself is the first step towards building your self esteem.
God bless you whatever you decide to do.
Andrea,
I agree with the other comments, whatever you choose, it should be your decision not your family's. Their attitude makes me wonder how much of an impact they have been on your low self-esteem, I would imagine quite a lot.
Have you experienced counseling? My fear for you would be that after cosmetic surgery, you would not have the boost in self-esteem you're expecting. That would be quite devastating. Counseling can be a wonderful thing. My hunch is that your self-worth is more about your perception than reality. Thus, having something physically changed will not help you feel better about yourself so much as a change to your self-perception. Does that make sense?!
You're definitely doing the right thing in thinking this all through.
Good luck, let us know how things are going!
Regardless of what you decide to do, this process of introspection and self-analysis seems like it is crucial for you. Thinking about it, writing about, reading the perspectives of other people, talking to your family, researching with doctors - it is all lending towards you finding out what you need to be happy. It sounds like an arduous journey, but you will be stronger in the end, regardless of what action you take.
I don't have any advice but I do completely support whatever you decide to do. Good luck with your decision.
Thank-you all so much . I am thankful for your thoughtful responses. Where would I be without you? I don't know, but I don't want to think about that. I'm just so glad you are here.
JB- I understand what you are saying. It's a very personal decision. I just wish I knew for sure that my family would be there for me no matter what. I don't know that for sure. My sister was so angry and upset by it, and that bothers me. But at the same time, I'd probably be upset too if things were reversed.
I'm going to pray that I make the right decision. Honestly, I'm not sure that I'm going to actually go through with it... time will tell.
Thanks for taking the time to respond and for your honesty.
Millie- I needed to hear that- TY so much! You're right, maybe I do need to take this risk. It might just be the thing that helps build my self-esteem, as you said. I certainly hope so :)
TY so much, Kelsey :)- Yes, I've been quite upset with my family's reaction. But, saying that, I can understand where they're coming from.
I believe they're just afraid for me. They don't want me to go through a surgery that leads to bad results, or, even worse, is risky to my health. They worry about the expense and I think they are afraid that this will just lead to me wanting to take other drastic measures to change myself. I do know if I do move foward with this, I won't be doing anything else nearly as drastic.
I think I follow what you said about perception... are you saying that my perception of things may not be a true representation of how things really are? Yeah, it's hard to know if what I see and experience is really what others see. But doe one ever really know that? I don't know about that one.
I know I might need therapy, and I'm not ruling that out, but I still want to explore having these proceures done too. It doesn't hurt to find out information, anyway.
Hopefully, I'll learn a lot more during the consultation I have scheduled at the end of the month. I'll keep you posted :)
Kerri- You always write such intelligent response- thank- you for that! :)
I wish this whole thing was easier... I'm doing my best to really understand everything involved with this so that I can make the best decision for myself. I just wish it wasn't such an "arduous journey". :(
I certainly hope this will only make me stronger :)... that would be an outcome I would really hope for.
Andrea....Having worked in hospitals and having a Healthcare background, I will tell you without all the "fluff" and pretense, that plastic surgery will NOT boost your confidence, self-esteem or anything else that has to do with self-development. Money is made off of people who will use it as a "quick fix" for personality flaws and inner conflicts. The "real" medicine and surgical value in plastic surgery is not to look "beter" but to alleviate disfigurement of which (according to your photo) you have none.My sugesstion to you, would be to work on "inner" change rather than any outer/superficial change. The inside affects the outside, not the other way around!!
Andrea - I don't think the advice you've recieved has been fluff and I don't think plastic surgery should only be reserved for disfigurement. I also don't think it's a cure-all for low self-esteem.
I think you're doing the right thing by getting a lot of information about the procedures you want to have done. I also think that combining plastic surgery with some good therapy beforehand would do a lot to help you - but I've harped on that before. ;)
In the end, you need to do what you feel will be best for you, no matter what the OC or your family thinks. If you decide this is the right thing for you to do, then do it. If your family gives you grief, I think you have the right to tell them that it's your life and your body and they should respect that.
Don't go by what other people say. Make the decision that feels right for YOU.
Bettercell- I appreciate and respect your opinion and view on this issue, but at the same time, I feel like this is something I need to seriously consider.
I know you think it has to do with "personality flaws/inner conflict" and that may be true, but I feel like it could very well help me to be more confident in myself and, honestly, that would be worth every penny.
Like Julia said, not everyone undergoes these procedures to correct disfigurement, or what have you. And I bet if you asked peopel who have had cosmetic surgery, many would say that it did help them feel better about themselves.
I know this type of thing requires a lot of serious thought and consideration- it's not something i am taking lightly by any means. I will definitely keep in mind what you have said... you make a lot of good points and they are ones that I will continue to think over. :)
Julia- I want to thank you for your support... I am going to try and do what I feel is right for me, but this will, by no means, be an easy thing to go through.
Regarding what Bettercell stated, I know that changing the outside won't necessarily change how I feel inside, but I think it's possible that it can help improve things.
As for the therapy, perhaps that's something I need to consider more. I'm not saying I'm going to nix the surgery, but maybe it would be in my own best interest to do both.
However, I do feel like if I decide to pursue the surgery that I would like to get it done (and behind me) sooner than later, but that doesn't mean I am going to rush the process.
I wish I knew how this all was going to turn out- that's what I really would like to know, but I guess there's no way. I know I just have to faith that things will work out the way they should and, hopefully, my family will stand by me regardless of the decision I make.
Anyway, thanks again for your response. I can't tell you how much I value your opinions ;) and I will continue to keep you posted.
Andrea.....There was a popular science fiction T.V. showat one time called the Twilight Zone. One of the episodes was about a young woman living in a society that expected people by a certain age (20) to undergo a procedure whereby they would change there appearance totally for a choice of 4 popular faces/bodies that were being offered. This would apply to both men and women. The young woman in question liked how she looked, felt about herself as well as her goals. The pressures of her parents, friends all persuaded her to undergo the procedure. In the final scene she now looks like everyone else who had chosen that "model", so there is no longer any distinction between herself in both look as well as thought. In addition, she no longer has her original self to found within. Go to a DVD store to get that episode or download it. It will give you more insight into this whole thing. Also on the other extreme......is Michael Jackson. "Beauty is to be found on the inside".
Andrea, unfortunaly everyone has an opion
.. as we can see here when you put something out there you will get a wide range of opions but when it comes down to it the decision is yours I know you know this.. watching movies researching can be something to consider but know one will know how they feel until it is all said and done every experience is "experienced" as an indivudual no matter what yes I think it is important to find some therapy only to make sure you mind is set for how ever you might feel.. when I tried PHEN/fen years
ago the wait loss drug I lost 70 lbs and I thought that would be my answer and in some cases it was but because I did not have therapy I never knew that I would be uncomfortable in my own body .. this was because I had been heavy for so long that haveing a new body ment I got the looks I wanted but was uncomfortable at the same time I think if I had therapy at the time to figure out why I felt the way I did I would not have eaten my way back to a heafty girl. I know other people who handledit fine.. so it is individual and Therapy I think can only help deal with what comes next .. so if you decide to get something done no movie or others opion is going to change that. I often ask people and take a census to look for an answer I already know is inside myself and if I don't get the answer I want I ask someone else when in the end I make up my own mind anyway and know what I want to do. WHEW! sorry for the longwindedness. Good luck in whatever you decide.
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