Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Good and Bad news...

I'm not sure which I should start with ... I guess it doesn't really matter... so I'll just start with the good news. Well, maybe I should let the following pictures speak for themselves.

Yes, this is my brand new Honda Civic... & I LOVE it! :)

Still has dealer plates on it, but that should be changed soon... (hopefully)

I just hope I can keep it nice ;)

I really do love my new car... I get excited just thinking about driving it. Of course, I'm not as excited about making the payments every month, but I'll do my best to manage.

I wasn't counting on getting a new car this soon, but my Saturn was starting to worry me. Ever since I got lost, hit whatever it was on the side of the road, and damaged the car frame,(during my adventure driving home from the gym with a seriously low blood sugar last fall) my car started to rapidly deteriorate.

I ruined the alignment and, because of this, my tires were constantly wearing down on me (just recently had a flat tire-again!)... and from there, it was kind of like a domino effect. It caused me to have problems with driving straight in my lane... it would sort of veer off into the next lane if I didn't grasp the wheel tightly... Plus, it was hell on wheels whenever we had rainy weather. All of a sudden, it would hydroplane from one lane to the next. I felt like I had no control over my car! It scared me so much that I wasn't sure I would get safely home many nights... that is, without getting into an accident.

I decided that I had to do something about it, especially since cold weather is just around the corner. And the thought of driving in that car in the snow is very frightening. Eek! So yes, I opted to get this car. Ultimately, I think I made the right decision AND I really do love it... :)


Ok, I do have to get to the bad news... As much as I do love my new ride, obviously it doesn't fill all the voids in my life. Last night, out of the blue, I felt really down. I'm not sure exactly why it hit me like that, but it did and it took me off guard, to say the least. At first, I didn't understand why I was getting so emotional, but now thinking about it, I do have an inkling or two...

Do you ever think about how different your life is from how you pictured it to be? I'm not sure what I was really expecting, but I just expected my life to be different than it is-better, i many ways. And I can't help but wonder why things have turned out the way they have.

Don't get me wrong, I know I don't have it the worst of everyone. But, at the same time, I think life hasn't been all that easy for me either. It seems like nothing ever comes easy for me. Almost everything I experience in life seems like a struggle... which is not how I want my life to be, obviously. But, yet, that's how it feels.

I know, I know, some will say, well, why don't you do something about that? Well, fine, but I'm not even sure how to change things. Truthfully, sometimes I feel like I have very little control or power over the situations I find myself in. Maybe that sounds foolish or like an excuse, but it's what I have come to believe. Logically, I know that it's up to me to do something with my life- make the most of it. But that is a lot easier said than done.

Recently, someone brought up a really good question to me. He asked me what I am passionate about. I had a lot of difficulty answering that question, b/c I really had no answer. I never thought about that before and, needless to say, I wasn't prepared for that question.

I don't have an answer now either... and I think I need to find out why that is... I'd really like to feel that way about something. To feel that strongly and passionately about something could possibly help me tremendously and could, even, change my life. Perhaps it would give my life more meaning.

Many people I know have things that really motivates, moves, or drives him or her. It could be their career or just a personal interest... but whatever it is, it really excites that person. You can tell by how they describe what they love and how their eyes light up when they talk about it. And though I'm glad that he or she has something like that in life, I, at the same time, can't help but to feel a little envious.

I have a friend who is really interested in learning foreign languages. It is something that she becomes really excited about... Just hearing her talk about it, you can see how her much she loves it. She already knows Spanish, French, Italian, and is in the process of learning Chinese. In fact, she just started college and, in her course load, are several credits in language. I really admire her for following her heart and pursuing what she loves.... she's lucky that she has that interest and passion.

Another person I, recently, met is a self-professed news junkie. He loves the news and current events. And what's great is that he found a way to bring that interest into his daily life- he makes his living working for a newspaper. Although he works crazy hours, he's doing what he enjoys. I don't know that many people can say that they are doing what they love for their career- I'm sure it's quite apparent that I'm not. He's, also, lucky to be so passionate about something.

Also, a person I was talking to in a chat room, a day or so ago, spoke about her career goal of becoming a Nurse Practitioner. She absolutely loves and is excited about what she is learning and what she is striving for. Again, how wonderful is that, that she has something she feels so strongly about? She, as well, is extremely lucky.

Lastly, my sisters... both of them grew up dancing. Ballet was and is something that brings both a lot of joy. And, I think, if they could, both would pursue it professionally if given the opportunity... which tells you just how much they love it. I especially envy that they have something that gives them so much joy- and I hate that I don't have that for myself. Both of them, too, are lucky.

And me? I've got nothing... :( Why is it that I have absolutely no drive, no motivation, no PASSION?! Why??? I'm extremely jealous of people with passion.

There is so much joy and good things to be found in life and, frankly, I feel like life is just passing me by. I feel I'm, ultimately, wasting my life... which is a very sad thing. And this stirs up a numerous amount of emotions... including becoming agitated and aggravated with myself. :o(

I don't want to keep just floating along. Ok, floating along is ok for a little while, but the problem is, I don't see how or when it's going to end. What's going to change and make things different? I wish I knew the answer to that question. But, it's probably, obvious that again I don't have an answer and that I'm feeling a little lost right now, if you haven't guessed. Dammit, I don't like feeling this way. :(

For a minute there
I lost myself, I lost myself.
Phew, for a minute there,
I lost myself, I lost myself.

For a minute there
I lost myself, I lost myself.
Phew, for a minute there,
I lost myself, I lost myself...

Radiohead "Karma Police"


Blogger Lyrehca said...

Figuring out your passions and what motivates you can be a crucial step to figuring out your life and what brings you happiness. There are many books out there about it (any large bookstore should have a big self help section, where these books tend to be. I think Barbara Sher writes about this topic, as one example).

Think about what you'd do if you learned you had an unexpected day off from work, or what you like to do on weekends (and things like buying groceries or cleaning house don't count). What do you do for fun? What did you like to do as a kid? What classes/subjects did you enjoy most in school? These are all links to figuring out what drives you. It's ok not to have it all figured out the way the people in your post sound, but it does sound like finding your passion would be really helpful for you to identify.

3:34 AM  
Blogger NYMOM said...

I think you are right about what's depressing you. Not having a 'passion' for something can make life very monotone...most people focus their passion on their careers or families but today with people marrying later and many of us just in jobs as opposed to careers, recreational and/or intellectual/social pursuits have become very important...

Why, may I ask, are your sisters both involved in dance and you aren't??? Is it too late to get involved in it with them????

Also frequently people get involved in causes helping others and this becomes their passion. I know people who have gotten involved in the environment, assisting the homeless in shelters, children, animals, human rights, mental health issues.

There are so many issues or activities you can pick from...

Sometimes just following a news story can captivate someone enough that it sends them off into a previously unsuspected direction...you can't always pick or chose where your passion will lead...

Good luck with identifying and following it anyway.

7:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Andrea. I found your blog on the OC. I noticed you were diagnosed with t1 when you were 24? I'm 23 and was diagnosed a few months ago.

You have very genuine thoughts and questions in this post. There are things I love to do, but I don't know that I would call any of them passions. In terms of my career, I think it's safe to say that I have not found my passion either. I think for most people, finding their passion in life takes a long time, perhaps even a lifestime if they're lucky enough to find it. And for me at least, finding my passion and executing upon it will involve putting myself out there and taking risks. In the mean time, I try to be open minded and patient, but I hear you.

1:48 AM  
Anonymous Chrissie in Belgium said...

Hi Andrea,

I agree with you totally that "having a passion" is really important. I am a "passionate " type person. I was born that way. The truth of the matter is that it has its ups and downs. One is very involved and invigorated by the "passion", but let me telly you one is also REALLY pissed when things go wrong. Neither is it all that simple knowing what the passion will be - one does not keep one passion for ever. I have had D for 45 years, got it when I was 10. Right now I feel passionless and it is horrible. I need to be involved in something. It is like I need a DREAM, a goal to fight for. It isn't always easy to find a new passion, even if you are a passionate type person! I am searching too........ I feel lost without a passion!

1:57 AM  

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