Monday, December 19, 2005

I had started this posting yesterday, but of course my computer froze and I lost everything. :( That's kind of how my weekend has been. It basically sucked...whatever could go wrong, did go wrong. Not to mention that I feel like my self-esteem took a MAJOR beating. Honesty, it wasn't in such great shape to begin with, so I don't know how it can continue to withstand such damage. In a way, I don't even want to talk about it, b/c it was very hurtful to me, but then I think I do need to vent about it. I can't keep all those emotions inside...so please bear with me.

Friday, I went to the gym as I usually do after work. I got on the elliptical machine and since there wasn't anything on tv, I opted not to use my headphones...which probably was a stupid move, looking back. As I'm doing my workout, I see this young kid walk past my machine and then back around to the weight section...almost around in a circle. Now I'm not exactly sure why this jerk would do this, but I shrug it off. However, I hear him saying something extremely mean about me to his friends. I try to pretend like I didn't hear it, but of course I did and, at this point, I am kicking myself for not putting my headphones on. It's like they say, "what you don't know, can't hurt you". But it's too late...I heard it.

I don't know why I let myself become so upset by what this idiot thinks. He's young, obnoxious, and rude... He probably doesn't feel good about himself, so he has to cut someone else down to feel better....but my question is, why does it have to be me that is singled out? And why do I care so much by this all? Am I that insecure?

I guess I am. I guess I'm also afraid that what he is saying is true. I mean, if there wasn't any truth in what he was saying, would he have even thought to say it? Probably not. Yeah, I know he's entitled to his opinion and it doesn't meant that he's right...but, obviously it bothers me.

Needless to say, I haven't been able to get over this cruel remark, as you can see I'm still writing about it. I had plans to meet my co-worker's friend at the mall that Friday. I really did not even want to show up. I was tempted to just stay home and throw myself a huge pity party, especially after my self-esteem and self-confidence had taken that nose dive. But... I couldn't do that. I somehow made it through the rest of that evening, even though I hadn't, and still can't, shake those nasty remarks. I just don't understand why some people get enjoyment out of being nasty and cruel.

Yeah, I know that people can be mean and unkind, and I'm aware that I'm definitely not the most adept at dealing with these types of things. Unfortunately, I wear my heart on my sleeve and it doesn't take much to get to me. I hate myself for being so sensitive and so easily broken down, but being the emotional, overly sensitive person I am, it's not easy to just let it roll off my back. I wish I could.

I know I need to develop a thicker skin (I've known for awhile) and not let this bullshit get to me, but I sometimes feel like I can't help it. I wish I was more confident in myself and didn't worry so much about what some asshole thinks about me. People aren't all sunshine and light and if I feel this way every time someone says something negative about me, life is going to be pretty difficult.

4 Comments:

Blogger julia said...

I'm the exact same way. I wish I knew how to develop a thicker skin, too, but alas...no magic cures here.

Keep writing, I enjoy reading your blog. :)

11:51 AM  
Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Sorry that happened.

I think many of us struggle with this stuff. I often feel the need to be accepted and liked by others. It's such a stupid thing - like I need someone else's approval before I can be comfortable with myself.

I wish I had something to tell you that would fix it, but I haven't figured that out either.

Just keep your head up and keep going!

3:31 PM  
Anonymous milliecat said...

Unfortunately, people have to be taught how to behave. We already know how to misbehave.
Whatever that comment, it was more a statement of this person's small and petty mind. From your writing, I can see that you are a very sensitive and wonderful person.
Keep your chin up. Keep writing and know that there are people out here who care about you, even if we don't always tell you.

8:11 AM  
Blogger Erica said...

Just like the tshirt says: Mean People Suck.

I am INCREDIBLY sensitive too. A big bone of contention with dh and I. But I embrace that part of me. Although it is frustrating when I am in a situation where I don't want to cry but can't hold back the tears. Thick skin - schmick thin - love that you have compassion and kindness where those rude people obviously do not.

And congrats for being at the gym and working out - it's more than I have done in over a week ;-)

1:11 PM  

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