Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I'm feeling a little better today (mood wise) than I did the last few days. I think having this outlet to express myself has really helped tremendously. Being able to let out all my thoughts and emotions has made me feel a lot better, but what has helped even more is all of the supportive and encouraging replies I received. I think I'm, finally, beginning to let it go... It's about time, I know, but I probably would still be dwelling on what happened w/o your kind words. You all are such wonderful people and I'm so appreciative...thank-you so much :).

I can't say why I let what happened Friday, bother me so much. In a way, I feel stupid for reacting so emotionally to what this person said about me. Until that happened, I was starting to believe that I wasn't as insecure as I once was. However, I guess Friday proves that the insecurity is still there, unfortunately, and also how my self-esteem is seriously lacking :(. Both issues make me more prone to being hurt, rather easily, by others.

There's really no exact explanation for my lack of my self-esteem. Ok, let me take that back. I have my theories on what happened to it...which may or may not be true, but like I said, it's just a theory. My thought is that a lot of self-esteem issues stem from childhood. (Does that sound like Freud?-yes, I was a psych major). Anyway, my childhood wasn't horrible and tragic, but it wasn't the best either. I went through a lot of tough things. I was painfully shy, chubby, and awkward growing up. There were times where I felt very alone and there were times where I just wanted to be left alone. Also, I was teased by my peers at different points throughout school...which probably did the most damage. I think more than anything, kids want to be accepted by their peers...and when that doesn't happen, it hurts. To be honest, I don't' think I ever was completely accepted by my classmates. Things did get easier towards the end of high school, but I never felt like I fit in.

Those experiences are ones that you take with you throughout life and I believe that shape other, future, situations. I also think that as those difficult things happen to you, it chips away at your self-esteem. It's damaging and I'm not sure if the damage can ever really be undone. That being said, and possibly contradicting myself, I guess nothing is impossible. However, I think it takes a lot of support, love, and positive experiences to make up for and/or help repair the damage. Unfortunately, it seems so much easier to break one's self-esteem down than it is to build up. Building it up is much more of a challenge and a lot of work has to be done to make it stronger.

I, obviously, need to do a lot of work to make these repairs...I feel it has been severely damaged over the years. Obviously, I am still clinging to a lot of these painful situations for some reason, when the logical side of me knows that it's probably healthier to accept what happened and let it go. For some reason, I can't seem to move on as much I would like.

I talked to my parents tonight and they mentioned how I have a habit of focusing on the negative and not realizing that there are positive things that have happened to me, too. I guess, for me, it just seems easier to recall those painful memories for some reason. Seeing the glass half-full is my usual aspect on life and I don't think that's good. Having the right attitude has a major effect on life. I admit, my attitude could stand a major overall, especially if I continue to let this stuff get to me as much as it does. The sad truth is that people/life can be pretty shitty at times...that's just the way it is.

What's more important is to realize that, yes, people can be cruel and mean, but there are also good people out there too and a bad experience, like this one, doesn't necessarily mean all doom and gloom. As much as the drama queen in me would like to beg to differ, I'm trying to remember that, although I would have preferred to not have gone through some of my past situations, I somehow survived them and I think, in a way, those things have made me stronger.


Blogger julia said...

I don't know if it's possible to grow a thicker skin. I know I haven't. But it's just who I am, shy, afraid of social situations (although I'm getting better at that), easily hurt and deeply, darkly cynical. I just figure people have to accept me as who I am rather than forcing myself to change. I'm not dysfunctional - I go out, I have friends, I brave new situations - I just need to stick my toe in the water before jumping in over my head.

And hey, at least you see the glass as half empty. All I can do is say "Yes, there's a glass." ;)

11:30 AM  

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