Sunday, November 26, 2006

I'm not happy with how I've been managing my Diabetes lately... Although, I have the best intentions of staying in control, things have kind of slipped up recently and, more often than not, I'm running high.... which, if you know me, is something that I hate. Personally, highs makes me feel out of control and, if there's something I hate more than highs, it's feeling out of control.

I know that it's my own fault... at least mostly my faulr. So I'm trying to take responsibility for things. I haven't been taking as good of care of myself lately- and I don't think I have any excuse for it. I feel like it's probably due to just plain, old laziness. And that's pretty pathetic.

There are times where I wonder about my stance with this disease and whether I'm actually in denial. Most of the time, my first instinct is to say NO, there's no way I'm in denial. I watch what I eat, I workout, I test, and I take my insulin.

However, I've been thinking about this more carefully and now I'm not so sure. I mean, I don't think I have ever intentionally skipped an injection, but there are other things that make me question how much I accept my disease. Namely, my testing and eating habits.

As far as testing goes, there have been times where I just skip it without rhyme or reason and I can't quite wrap my head around that. ??? Yesterday was a prime example of this. I think I tested (maybe) twice the whole day... which is sub-par. I usually test at least twice this amount... And even that is considered the minimum amount for which T1s should monitor their blood sugar.

Anyway, then when I got home and tested my blood sugar- it probably was about 9 pm, I was shocked to see that it was close to 300. Well, what did I expect? But still, my initial reaction to that reading was disbelief, however. I kept thinking, how could I be that high?

Of course now I realize that I probably was high throughout the day and had no idea, b/c of my lack of testing. Starting out high, without any correction doses, it probably would just have continued to rise with whatever food I ingested. The insulin I was taking may have been enough to cover the meal/food, but without taking the extra correction units, I wasn't able to keep normal ranges... at least this is my theory. I know I'll never really know the whole story.

But the thing that I wonder about even more are the reasons behind why I didn't test. Somehow I think it's probably based on something on a subconscious level... I know it's not a matter of the actual testing, because while, no, it's not exactly enjoyable, I really don't mind testing. It only takes a second or two & it give important insight on whether something needs to be adjusted or not. Sounds logical, right? Well, then what stopped me from testing?

The only thing I can come up with is not wanting to face up with the results of the test. As I've said, things haven't been easy managing my Diabetes lately. I have been running higher than I would like, and when I see that kind of result test after test, it bothers me. It makes me feel like I'm failing or like I'm letting things spiral out of control. That, admittedly, scares the hell out of me.

My Ex- Endocrinologist used to tell me that I can't look at a blood sugar reading as a passing or failing grade. However, I have a problem not doing that. And that's why I get so emotional, stressed out, and panicked when I see these types of numbers multiple times. Obviously, not testing isn't going to make getting back in control easier, I know it's something I need to do and face up to whether I like the results of not, but sometimes it is HARD to face reality.

So I guess that's one check mark in the "living in denial" side of the board. The other issue I have is my eating habits. Let's just say, again, I think I like to forget about my Diabetes or pretend like it's easier to manage than it actually is. I think, at times, I want to eat like I don't have this disease and that's just not working out for me.

Honestly, over Thanksgiving, I wasn't trying to keep to a strict diet. I think we all should celebrate and enjoy the holidays (and everything that they bring... i.e. FOOD :) ). But, I didn't go crazy either.

I woke up Thanksgiving morning, came down stairs and started picking at this and that... not eating a whole lot, but it definitely adds up. Of course, again, I didn't test until it was late morning and by the time I did, my blood sugar was in the high 200s, to my dismay.

Now, I find that whenever I start out high in the morning, I have a heck of a time bringing my blood sugar down to normal... especially so on a holiday. But, saying that, I really didn't eat much that morning or even at lunch. I think my lunch consisted of mainly protein- which I didn't think would impact my blood sugar too much . However, as I continued to test throughout the day, I was still running high.

We were having the bigger meal in the late afternoon, our Turkey dinner, so I thought that things might normalize by then, but again, i was wrong. I continued to stay in the 200 range throughout the rest of the night. And when dessert time came, I did help myself to small slivers of the baked pie and homemade treats that were laid out. I certainly didn't overeat by any mean, but with how my sugars were running that day, dessert didn't help matters.

That's just a typical example of how erratic my eating habits can be. But there are other occasions as well where I make wrong judgements when it comes to food. One such time is when I'll go out to one of my favorite grocery stores.

This place is particularly known to put out a lot of samples... and, though I'm embarrassed to say this, I'll find myself shopping there sometimes just so that I can treat myself to some of these things. In the bakery section, one of my favorites, they'll put out chocolate chip cookies, muffins, pies, apple crisps, to just name a few. On top of that they'll have other samples out, as well, throughout the store. In the past they've put out cheeses, different types of meats, sometimes a hot item sample. Really, you could probably make a lunch just from the samples they put out.

Anyway, I'll often go in for these samples, thinking that it's ok to treat myself to these things... perhaps trying to convince myself that they won't really affect me, when, of course, they do. Then later on, when I test my blood sugar, I'm bewildered by the results when they read higher than I think or expect. Well, DUH!

And it's not only that, but I also catch myself buying things which I know I probably should avoid, like chocolate, or brownie mixes, or some type of sweets. I have always had a sweet tooth, but I can't keep accommodating it with crap. Add anothing check mark to "living in denial"

I guess the fact of the matter is that I need to get my act together. As much as I'd like to believe that I'm in control, I think the proof is in the pudding. Logically, I know I need to take care of myself- testing and eating wise-but it's just putting the plan into action that's the hard part. I really don't want to end up down the line regretting and kicking myself for neglecting my health. Usually, when you get to that point, it's too late... So it's time for me to snap out of it and accept this disease. I've got it and it's got me whether I like it or not.


Anonymous Chrissie in Belgium said...

What to say??? It IS hard to always eat right and test - too see failure in black and white shining out of the screen at you..... I KNOW everyone says a bad test is not failure and not to be considered as proof of our own neglect. But dam it all, that is how it feels. There is no getting around it! So i totally understand!

BUT,BUT,BUT,BUT irregardles of whether one calls it failure or not, irregardless of whose fault it is, we live with consequences. So you, we, me, all diabetics HAVE to be so dam STRONG. Whether we like it or not. For our own sake? We don't really have a choice, do we? That is all I can say.

2:37 AM  
Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

I fight with denial too. And like you recognize, it's not a flat out refusal to take insulin, etc.

I think for me it's along the same lines as you. To eat things that I know will not do my blood sugar well, and to make those same bad decisions over and over again. What the hell right? I can't explain it either.

I feel like I "play the game", but I'm not really invested in it. I'm just going through the motions.

And I do think that is some form of denial. Maybe not the typical "refuse to do stuff" kind, but denial nonetheless.

I don't have any answers, but wanted to share that I'm fighting it too (and it feels really, really weird to say "denial" after almost 27 years of diabetes...).

Chrissie is a true example of taking control. The lack of help she has had and her drive to take control is a real inspiration to me.

12:41 PM  
Anonymous Chrissie in Belgium said...

WOW Scoott- thank you. I take that as a huge compliment. Me in control? That is NOT how it feels most of the time! I am always just fumbling along, trying to figure out what my next step should be.....

3:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am the cookie monster.

that being said, I hope you understand that I totally understand the eating thing.


10:17 PM  
Blogger Johnboy said...

I think you hit the nail on the head regarding testing. To a point, the more you test the tighter the range of readings you should get.

It is precisely in times that things move less predictably that I test more often.

I think about a reading as information for making a decision, but Even if you did look at the result as a grade, you should be able to increase your "pass" rate by testing more often.

4:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about all these problems you are having...I too often look at test results that are high as a 'failing grade'...

Maybe when you are stressed your results are high as well? Did you think about this aspect of it???


9:16 AM  

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