Saturday, November 04, 2006

WARNING: Emotional Basket Case on the LOOSE!

I've been an extreme wreck lately- to be more specific, I've been all of the following: moody, emotional, bitchy, irritable, and miserable (to just name a few). I don't like to blame it all on my Diabetes, but I feel that it has played a major role in my mood recently, and as I just stated, not for the better.

My blood sugar has been extremely erratic, unpredictable, and out of control... all of which are things I hate feeling- ok, I'm a bit of a control freak! Usually, I'll have a couple days like this and then somehow my blood sugar returns to normal, but every day this past week has been problematic. I've had numbers ranging in the 200s (on average) or higher (eek :o() and I've done everything I can think of to try and bring them down without much success. Saying I'm frustrated is an understatement, I become so overwhelmed with emotion that I start panicking and freaking out... It feels like I'm almost powerless in this situation.

To make matters worse, I just started my new job (more about that in another post) on Thursday and the stress of starting it probably isn't helping matters... I know that stress can often worsen one's control and I think it's safe to say that that may be the case for me, but I don't think that is solely to blame. I have a feeling that something else is going on, though I can't say what that is... And, yes, that drives me crazy!

I do have my inkling on what may be causing these problems... I have a feeling it's digestive related issues, but I HATE not knowing for sure what the culprit is. It's so aggravating that with this disease, the catalyst is not always clear. Instead we are faced with endless possibilities of what could cause problems with our control- food (the major one), insulin (of lack of -another obvious problem), stress, illness , emotions, hormones, absorption issues, etc, etc, etc... It's enough to drive anyone over the edge. I mean, it would make life so much easier if we knew what was causing our difficulties. But then that would be too easy **rolling eyes**

Anyway, when I start panicking, not only is my blood sugar already out of control, but I then have trouble controlling my emotions as well. And as a result, I become very upset...among a varied mix of emotions that often washes over me.... More than anything, I become enraged by the situation I am dealing with. It's almost one of those "why me" scenarios... And the more I obsess about it, the more upset I become.

As I've written before in other posts, my poor Mom takes on a lot of my frustration and anger... which is totally uncalled for and unfair. But somehow, I end up venting to her about everything. I know she doesn't know what to say or how to exactly help me, but when she tries to ask me about it or offer any piece of advice, I shoot her down mercilessly or snap at her that she doesn't know what she is talking about. I go on and on about how nobody cares and poor me... It's honestly not pretty and very pathetic.

I know what I say to her is not true... I know she cares and that she feels for me and my situation, but when I am in that frame of mind, I just can't think about anything except for myself and the problems I'm having. I become very self-absorbed and selfish, and I do know this. Later, when I am able to contain myself, I look back and feel awful for how I treat her. I feel like a horrible daughter, which I know I can be at times. But yet, she is always still there for me, which I know I don't deserve.

Obviously, I think things need to change. Ideally, I'd like to find out what it is that is causing my problems with control, because I think that would lead me to being able to control my moods better, but also I need to find better ways to cope. I can't keep dealing with things the way I have been- it's just not working.

The fact of the matter is that Diabetes can be a very difficult disease to manage on a day to day basis and I am going to face days where controlling my disease isn't going to be easy. I can't keep on freaking out that way I have been. It doesn't solve my problems and most likely only makes things worse. But, frankly, I don't know how to change how I react...

I often wonder how other people deal with their problems with control when they are faced with on-going problems several days in a role. Does it get to you? Do you become upset? Or do you just take it in stride? For me, I don't think I'll ever just be able to remain calm and low-key about it, b/c seeing high number after high number scares the hell out of me & I do feel like I'm failing myself ultimately.


Blogger julia said...

I think you need to talk to someone about how to deal with stress. Things seem to freak you out more so than they do most people. I'm kind of the same way, so I can relate. I go to therapy when I have that problem, but I know you don't like that idea much.

Maybe you could discuss coping strategies with someone, though. Making health care decisions from a panicked place is not a good idea and leads to these fluctuations you talk about. I think if someone could help to train you to take a breath, take a step back and look at things a little more objectively, that would probably help.

Is your endo at all helpful in this area? Do they have a counsellor there that could help with this

8:10 AM  
Anonymous Chrissie in Belgium said...

I know exactly how terrible you feel with never knowing the WHY behind bad patterns! I also exploded at people around me OT gave up. The atter is really the worst choice, but the one I chose. This was until i got the pump and decided that the only way I could manage to keep my bg values good was to eat the same food for breakfast and lunch, particular set dinners and to try and live a very planned, organized life. Like doing exercise always after lunch when it is easiest to avoid hypos. I decided I could no longer take the "uncontrolled diabetes", so i was choosing the lesser of two evils. Nobody really wants to live such a "planned/organized " life. BUT I JUST COULD NO LONGER TAKE THE UPS AND DOWNS; knowing that this was my choice, it was easier to accept. And I do feel much better now, so that is impetus to continue! Success breeds success!

12:58 PM  
Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey Andrea,

Yes, I get all worked up sometimes too. I get real frustrated, feel like it's all overwhelming, and just don't know where to start.

I tend to get emotionally wrapped up in things, and have trouble taking that step back and looking at things logically.

I'm very in touch with what you're feeling.

Try to come up with a game plan - something logical, like how a scientist might attack an experiment or something.

Let us know how things go!

2:24 PM  
Blogger Minnesota Nice said...

It is way too easy to let the chaos gather its own momentum - stress building on stress which may lead to poor meal choices which then leads to higher bg's which create more stress and on and on (been there, done it, a thousand times over).
I'm trying to plan ahead and come up with a coping strategy for November and December - dealing with year-end stress at work, holiday expectations, and those thumbprint cookies with the jam in the middle...
As usual, Julia, Chrissie, and Scott have left great comments.

7:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a rager, I love to yell when stressed. I feel like my head is going to explode and my mind and thoughts start spinning. At which point I lose it and start yelling. Bob and my kids get the brunt of my yelling (and unfortunatley cussing). Please don't try and imagine it, I'm too ashamed. I am just saying i understand what it means to regret blowin up

8:25 PM  
Blogger NYMOM said...

Hi Andrea.

Sorry to hear about what's been going on with you...

I actually am facing the same situation. After I was diagnosed in April, I did everything the doctor told me to do...I lost weight, started eating better, exercising and then two weeks ago my endo took me off metformin and told me to just watch what I eat forever...

Since then I've been consistently high ranging anywhere from the high 150s when I wake up to over 200s before I go to sleep...

If it's not down by next week I'll have to call my endo and tell him I have to go back on the medication...

So I feel very down too...what I thought was a great victory has turned into a defeat...

Hope you are able to get this under control somehow...

Take care of yourself.

1:45 PM  

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