Monday, October 09, 2006

I don't even know how to start this post, so I guess I'll just start typing...

Lately things have been a little chaotic and crazy and stressful and, well, at times I'm almost at the point of tearing my hair out in frustration and pure anxiety :(. I know, I know, maybe this doesn't sound any different than what I usually write in my posts... and I wish I could post better, more positive things, but this is how life has been lately :(

I think I mentioned that things at work have been pretty unpleasant. The practice I work for has cut back on doing the billing for other facilities in the Westchester area and, as a result, there's going to be more focus on the billing that we do at our own facilities. Basically this means that everything and everyone is going to be scrutinized and under the microscope... which makes me a little nervous.

I know I shouldn't worry. I mean, if I am doing what I can to get the work done and am doing my job, then there should be no problem. The truth is, I am nervous- I guess that's just in my nature. Call me a Nervous Nelly, but I'm quite aware of this being my personality. :s

As if the constant scrutiny wasn't enough, there has been a lot of stress on my bosses to bring the money in and get these denials from the insurance companies paid- makes sense, seeing that that is our job. But the pressure that the doctors are putting on our bosses is then being taken out on us... and, lately, it seems me. Ok, it's not just me, but I feel like T., my male boss, is definitely making things particularly more difficult on me lately.

I know, I shouldn't take it personally... But this guy definitely has an anger management problem. And there's been a couple times when he has come to talk to me that I thought he was going to lose it. I swear he's come so close that I can see it taking every ounce of his being trying to restrain and control himself and possibly steam coming out of his ears. Yeah, it was pretty bad there for a while. Needless to say, I was even more uneasy and anxious than I usually am going to work each day, which says a lot!

Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore and thought I was going to lose it, he called me in. He basically apologized for the way he behaved and told me that it was not personal. Like i said, he and everyone there have been under a lot of pressure. In addition, he's been extremely frustrated by an ongoing billing situation we have been having at work that I work on in particular.

I can understand that and, yes, I can get over it and move on, but I also feel that being a manager you should be able to deal with stress in a more appropriate fashion & not take it out on other people. I don't think a manager should ever get to the point where he needs to apologize for his behavior. But I do think that it's good that at least he recognizes that he was wrong in how he has behaved and is taking responsibility for it- there are probably a lot of managers who wouldn't even admit to that.

Anyway, since then, things have settled down a little bit, but things are still tense. Just recently my coworker S. left. I was shocked, b/c I thought she really liked it there and was well liked by most everyone. I think she was even considered a favorite by my bosses, so everyone was surprised by her news to leave. However, turns out, she has her reasons for leaving. Nowt that she's gone, things have changed even more.

The woman who used to do the billing for one of the facilities we no longer provide services to, has now taken on a lot of S.'s work. And, on top of that, it's almost like she has almost become the boss of me... which I don't think is a good thing.

Today she, A., approached me and told me that we would be working on one of the insurance carriers together... Well, that's what she said, but actually it seems like I will be doing the work and she will be checking up on me to make sure I do it her way.

Now, I had no problem with this woman before this point, we really had very little to do with each other, but now it seems like things are going to be different. When she was talking to me today, her whole tone totally threw me off- it was completely condescending.

She basically questioned me on how I was doing things and then proceeded to tell me that I was doing things wrong. And how things were going to change. That's fine if she thinks things could be done better a different way, I'm okay with that, but it's just her whole approach. She spoke to me like I am a child. On top of that, she wants to sit with me tomorrow when I call the insurance to "show" me how to do it. She's treating me like I have absolutely no idea of what I am doing... like I'm a complete idiot.

Frankly, I don't need her to show me how to do it, b/c I've done it before and I know I can handle it. But, saying that, b/c I don't handle things her way, it's wrong. Honestly, I have my reasons for not doing things as she asked me to, namely b/c it is incredibly time consuming and, utimatley a waste of time. But I think this is something she will just have to find out on her own.... and I hope she does see that, b/c then she'll see that my way wasn't wrong, just a different way. And if my way is wrong, then I can we can blame S., b/c S. was actually the one who showed me how to do things. But I don't think they'll ever come to grips with that, b/c S. could do no wrong.

I know I'm doing a hell of a lot of worrying about this, when I really don't need to, especially when I have other news...

Well, I don't know if anyone knows or remembers this, but not too long ago I received my certification as a Certified Professional Coder. Well, during all this stress and other bullshit... I sent out my resumes right and left for different jobs.

I received a call to come in for an interview for a Coding Position at a hospital in NY... So I made up an excuse at my current job and went in to meet with HR and the Coding Manager in Medical Records. My HR interview went by without a hitch, but I thought I totally bombed the Coding portion... which is probably the most important part, unfortunately.

I didn't anticipate that it would be such a challenging interview, but really I didn't know what to expect. The Manager seemed normal enough, something I wouldn't even think to mention, but seeing where I've been working the last year and a half... that's not always a given. However, I did have a problem understanding what he was asking me throughout the interview... He almost mumbled and his accent made me think that he is from India or Pakistan. I had to ask him to repeat himself more than a couple times. Then, at the end, I was given a coding test. Well, seeing that I haven't used any of my coding since December '05, when I took the test for certification, I had some difficulty.

I left, ultimately, writing off the possibility of getting the job. I thought there was no chance. Well, two days later I got the call from the hospital letting me know that they were offering me the position, to my shock and amazement.

I was very excited and happy about the position, but nerves and anxiety also swept over me. For someone, who has wanted to get the hell out of my current job, I started having doubts and what ifs.... Oh, those dreadful, awful WHAT IFS....

I started thinking about all the negatives of the job...
1. It's further- 40 min away. What if I can't handle the distance? (in comparison to the 10 min, drive from where I am currently).
2. I would be making less money- What if I can't pay the bills?(Actually, it's the same amount, but it's less hours... 37.5 instead of 40 that I work now).
3. I would be having more gas expenses.... what if it is too much of a financial loss?
4. Wear and tear on my new car- what if something happens to my car with all the driving I will be doing?
5. Language Barrier... what if I can't understand this manager and I have to learn from him?
6. The fear of the unknown- what if I can't do it- what if the people I work for/with are assholes, what if the commute is beyond do-able, what if I get fired? I could probably go on with this forever...

I brought this up when I was talking to my Dad... and he was like, why are you thinking of every reason NOT to take the job?

He's right and I do know it. I should be thinking of what this could mean for me. It could mean a good career and good opportunity to grow (something I don't have where I am) and it could be something that I really like and enjoy. Plus, how could it be worse than what I am doing now? I guess things could always be worse, but for this job to surpass what I'm doing currently as a worse job would be something extraordinary.

So even with all the "what ifs"... I have chosen to take the position. I know that I do owe it to myself to take a risk and try. I didn't take the coding course and 5 hour test for certification for nothing- I know I need to go after this. I hate feeling so stressed and anxious about it... but I'd probably feel this way about any new job. It always scares the hell out of me to start over. But, saying that, life really is about taking chances. Backing down out of fear is just missing out on opportunities and good things that could be in store for you and I don't want to pass something good up.


Blogger Scott K. Johnson said...

Change of any kind is always traumatic. But, I usually feel that change is good. Especially when you're not feeling too happy about your current position.

12:20 AM  
Anonymous Chrissie in Belgium said...

I agree totally with Scott - CHANGE is spooky, but it makes you a fuller, stronger person. They chose to hire you, that is a vote of confidence. Rember that! GOOD LUCK - you will do just fine!

12:44 AM  
Blogger BetterCell said...

Andrea....Start feeling GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF for a change as well and things will "fall into place". Besides you really do need a new job with lots of different people than the ones you have been working with and describing on your site.

1:04 PM  
Blogger NYMOM said...

I agree that you need a new job but I'm not quite sure if this particular job is the one for you. It's less money ultimately and will cost more in transportation to get back and forth every day.

So why don't you just keep on looking????

6:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes it takes a really rotten job to help illuminate a really good job. Good luck on your new job and I hope you find new happiness there. I’ve been through the bad bad icky job thing, and I don’t ever want to do it again!

4:04 PM  
Blogger NYMOM said...

Well good luck then since you've decided to take the position.

I work in New York as well so perhaps some day we'll have lunch or something.

9:12 PM  
Anonymous Andrea said...

Sorry I haven't been responding to my comments as much as I should... things in my life (if you can't tell) have been crazy...

Scott & Chrissie...You are absolutely right! I know change can be a good thing-and I am hoping that it will be for me. Whatever happens, I think it will be a learning experience and I will grow from it. thank you for your support- I'll keep you posted.

BC- I'm trying to feel good about myself, but it's hard to change my own pattern of thinking.

It's funny that you mention this. One of my friends actually brought up how I can be encouraging and positive when it comes to other people, but when it comes to myself, I'm the eternal pessimist.

I do think it has something to do with my past experiences as well as self-esteem, and I wish that I had more confidence in myself, but I think it takes a lot of time and work to build that up again. I know I need to work on that... Frankly, I feel that once your self-esteem has been chipped away at, it's a lot harder to build it up again, but I'm not giving up yet.

I'm hoping this new job will be a good opportunty to build up my confidence... I think proving to myself that I CAN do this job and do it well will really help with that.

Thanks for your comment.

NYmom- Yeah, I know it's less money and it's more transportation, but I think it has a lot more to offer me in terms of opportunities and growth, so I'm willing to take the cut... Plus, if I am happier in the positionn that will be WELL worth it.

I had considered turning it down and continuing the job search, but I don't know when the next opportunity will come, when someone will be willing to hire me as a coder with no experience. It may not happen for who knows how long... I don't want to pass something good up.

BTW... it would be fun to meet for lunch :)

Sarah... thanks so much! :)I'm hoping for the best.

9:21 PM  

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