Saturday, September 24, 2005

I've been posting a lot more recently than I have in the past. I guess there's a lot of things on my mind. This seems to be a good outlet to express oneself and share things as well. Something I do want to address regards comments on my blog. I do like receiving comments on my blogs or even just comments in general, I'm always interested in hearing what others have to say, especially if it's related to Diabetes. Saying that, however, I don't appreciate others posting comments about visiting their own site. This is not a place to advertise your own blog or please do not do this here. Ok, I needed to say that. I hope that those who have done that and those who were thinking of doing that, will respect my wishes and not do that any more. Moving on now...

Anyway, it's a Saturday nite, and I'm home. I guess I'm not surprised. I usually don't have plans...I guess that's typical for me. It's weird, b/c I do look forward to the weekends during the normal work week, but then I also dread it. Does that make sense? I think that's b/c I know that I really don't have a lot of things going on in my personal life and that kind of sucks ;( . I wonder if that's the way it's always going to be for me. My sisters are a little more outgoing and maybe even more socially skilled than me. I think I lack the knack for meeting and socializing with people I don't really know. It's kind of lost on me. I tend to freeze up in certain social settings. In the past, I was social phobic, but I don't know if I would call it that nowadays. I know I've made a lot of progress, but I still feel that there is definitely plenty of room for improvement. I just wish I was better suited at talking with others or that I was more outgoing. Life is tougher when you are quiet, shy, and an introvert. I've pretty much accepted that that's how I am and will probably always be, but that doesn't mean that I can't wish things were different.

Speaking of such a situation, I was at the gym this week and this girl I am acquainted with from the bank came in. We started talking a little bit, though I'm sure she must have thought I am a dork (which I readily admit :p ). It was just general chit chat, but then her friend J. came up and kind of interrupted our conversation. It was weird...I didn't know how to react. Should I join in or tune out and go back to my workout. Well, guess what I chose? Of course, I chose to just go back to my workout, probably b/c I didn't want seem like a dork in front of this guy and also due to the fact that I'm just too darn shy around guys! Anyways, I didn't tune out completely. I was still kind of listening to their conversation...they were talking about dating (my fav. subject- NOT) and all of a sudden she had turned her attention to me. She asked me if I am dating anyone...which is NO...and if I ever would go to a singles night at a bar...which again I said NO to. Then I thought, yeah, that's what I would typically do...avoid uncomfortable social situations at all costs. But would it kill me to go out and try to get to know others? The answer? Probably not and hey, I might actually get to know this girl too. I blew that, as usual. UGH, typical me, letting my insecurities get the best of me. I told my sister K about all this, and she rolled her eyes, which I guess is fitting.

Oh, one thing that was funny in our conversation was that she asked me about high school and what year I graduated. She said she knows a few people from my year and actually mention the guy I had a crush on for most of my time in school. He's actually pursuing writing in Colorado, which is very cool. He such a cute, smart, talented, and, did I mention, cute guy? I haven't thought about him for awhile...and I guess I'm not as obsessed with him as I was in school, but I do wonder about him at times.

More venting about career... I was working some more on Friday with my co-worker Shar. She was saying how she hopes her daughters don't follow in her and her husband's she hopes that they pursue more of a career. Does that mean that what I am doing now is not a career? Well, I guess not. I mean there's really no growth potential. A and T are the only managers in the billing dept. I don't see a need for more and, also, I don't think they will be leaving anytime soon. So that's that. I should also mention that when I was talking with the girl at the gym, we chatted a bit about career. She is teaching middle school in New Milford and she loves it. As you might know, I had been an elem. ed. major in college all the way up to senior year and student teaching. Once I got to student teaching, I realized it wasn't what I wanted to do. In reality, I chickened out. I guess I was afraid of failing (another insecurity :( ). Plus, I think I thought there was too much work involved with teaching and I wasn't motivated to do it. I guess you could say laziness was partially responsible for me quitting teaching. Then I think, well if I really wanted to do it, wouldn't I be so motivated to do everything, no matter how much work was required? That's a question I don't know the answer to. Even right now, I don't know if I should have stuck with it. But I do wonder what things would be like if I did. I know it's not too late, I could still pursue teaching, but I'm really uncertain of whether it's something I want to do. I wish knowing what I want to do with my life and actually doing it was easier. Why does everything have to be so difficult for me? I feel like I am the type of person who never is truly happy, which I really hate about myself.

This turned out to be a pretty long entry, but I think I needed to get these things off my chest. I wanted to end this blog with some song lyrics, which I thought maybe was cheesy, but heck I'm gonna do it anyways :) . This is Kelly Clarkson's new song... I think it adequately relates to everything I've posted tonight.

Because of You... By Kelly Clarkson

I lose my way,
And it's not too long before you point it out,
I cannot cry,
because I know that's weakness in your eyes.
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life!
My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with!

Because of you,
I never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Because of you,
I learned to play on the safe side, so I don't get hurt.
Because of you,
I find it hard to trust, not only me, but everyone around me.
Because of you...
I am afraid...


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