Sunday, October 23, 2005

This weekend basically sucked. Ok, I shouldn't say that. Saturday sucked, but today was better. Saturday, I was in a horrible mood which I blame mostly on my horrible blood sugar. Friday things seemed to level out a bit, but Saturday's sugars more than made up for it. I was high and stayed high for most of the day. I drove down to my parents last night and I was just so angry and upset by all the problems I've been having...

Mostly I was just feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I think I'm purely selfish, I only think about my own problems. Yes, I know others have worse situations than myself, but I, at times have such a narrow viewpoint. I only see my own pain and it's almost like I like to dwell in it. That seems ridiculous, even to myself, but I know some people do like to feel miserable and live in sadness. I hope I am not one of them, but sometimes I wonder. So ok, back on topic(I'll stop rambling)...when I got to my parents house, I basically took out my frustration on my mom- which is SO uncalled for.

I must admit, at times, I really don't' know how to cope with things. I get overly emotional, angry, and upset and it never helps anyting. It does make me better once I have vented those emotions, but I know I need to find another way to deal with this stress. Getting upset and angry is probably a huge waste of energy and I can't keep unloading everything on my mom . My poor mom, I feel like such a bitch! I guess I can be at times. Maybe I need therapy...

The reason I drove to my parents last night was b/c I was staying over since we participated in the American Diabetes Association walk for the cure early today. It turned out to be better than I had thought. I had thought it was going to rain all morning for the walk, but the rain held off and the sun actually peeked out today. It was still chilly and windy, but at least we stayed dry. It was a pretty good event. They had breakfast and lunch for all the walkers and they had tables set up for different Diabetes vendors and Diabetes products. They also had a silent auction. My parents bid 100 dollars and got a one night stay in the Crown Plaza in White Plains that comes with a Sunday Buffet for 4 people. That's a nice thing to bid on. Plus, all that money goes to the ADA.

I have to admit that I am always so tough on my Mom (I don't know why just her) about her taking part in my Diabetes. BUT she was the one there for me all this past week when I was having such a tough time controlling my blood sugar and she was the one who organized my family and myself taking part in the walk. She really did make the effort and I really don't appreciate her as much as I should. Sometimes I think she's just too good to my family and myself and then we take advantage of her. I feel like such a horrible daughter at times and I don't know why I can't be better to her. She is such a great person and I love her more than I can express.

So after a weekend of highs and lows (Diabetes wise and emotionally speaking), tomorrow I FINALLY have my Endo appointment. I'm looking forward to it and I'm not, if that makes any sense at all. I'm going to have to try and explain things to my Dr. and my main concern is that I won't be heard. When I spoke to Linda on Friday, she didn't seem like she was in a wonderful mood. Yeah, I changed the basal rate that I was using for awhile (that the Dr. set up for me)...and then I couldn't really explain to her why I did that. To be honest, I'm not even sure why I did it. It probably did f^ck things up. Anyway, I hope I can just express how unhappy I am with how things have been lately and I hope he will be receptive to helping me get things on track. One thing that I'm not sure I want to know is my's been way too long since my last one. You're really supposed to have one once every 3 months. I think the last one I had was about 6 months ago, which I don't think is too good. I think it really is too long to go between visits. It seems the longer I go between visits, the more off track I get :( . Another thing I want to discuss is whether I should stay on the pump or try something else. I really don't want to go back to MDI, but I don't like how out of control things have gotten and before the pump, I had relatively good control. I'm thinking about bringing up Symlin too. I think that might be something that might work for me... Actually, I don't know. All I know is that I feel like something needs to change. I don't want to continue things the way they are.


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