Time for an update...

Since I've posted last, a lot has changed. Some good, or possibly good, and some, well, not really good at all.

My mood lately has been up and down.

There are moments that I feel ok- where I feel alright with things and can function pretty normally (well, as normally as possible for me).

But those moments are so fleeting- and it seems that just about anything can send me into a tailspin and I'm back to feeling shitty and down. Not good, I know.

I just don't understand it, but I believe I've come to a realization. That is... that I am beginning to think that I look for things that are going to bring me down...

Yes, I'm very insecure and I don't really have the best opinion of myself, so I think I look for signs and feedback from others that I am "ok".

So, basically, I'll look at the people around me and try to register what is is they are thinking. If it is at all negative, I take it extremely personally... And what is really stupid about this is that whatever that person is thinking may or may not be about me, but I'll still think that it is.

I know it's a bad thing for me to do- especially knowing that people seem to like to play upon others' insecurities, but it's almost like I can't help it. I do it in just about any and every situation I am. And I think I even do it subconsciously.

But it's got to STOP.

I think it's pretty destructive to one's sense of self to always be solely relying on what other people think. It only makes getting around in the world harder and, as we all know, it's hard enough already.

Plus, why is it that others' opinions of me are more important or more valid than what I think of myself?

I guess the problem is that I have a lot of uncertainty about myself and I trust others more than I do myself. It's fair to say there's a LOT I don't like about myself- and so I think I feel like my opinion doesn't matter too much.

It frustrates me, b/c I'm sick of writing these types of posts and I'm sick of hearing myself bitch. I find it all very irritating, but yet I almost feel like this is always going to be what life is like for me.

I don't understand, why I can't just be okay with me?

Yup, another one to discuss in therapy...

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I mentioned in my last post how I was dealing with a confusing situation with a person I wasn't sure was a friend or not. Well, seems like that isn't quite over. And at this point, I still don't know what to make of it all.

We have chatted online since that post and we seemed to kind of work things out... but I have a lot of doubts.

I'm not sure that this friendship is going to work out. I keep thinking that maybe we are too different. In fact, I think we are direct opposites.

But there's a part of me that wants to pursue things further. And that par I don't really understand either ???

However, I don't really know where things stand at this point. We haven't communicated in several days... and I don't now that we will again.

I don't know, it's all very confusing and ridiculous... And like any situation in my life, I don't feel like there's an easy fix to this.

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Last piece of news...

I recently went on an interview at a hospital in my city...

It is the same type of position I am currently in, but, of course, it's in a different place and different employer.

Now, I wouldn't ordinarily look to be changing jobs, but with the commute, the gas mileage, the wear and tear on my baby (my Honda civic), and just feeling physically (and mentally) exhausted from doing all this driving, I thought it wouldn't hurt to apply and see what happens.

Well, after a L-O-N-G interview (almost 3 hrs long), and waiting... I finally hear back from them yesterday- Friday. And guess what? I got the job!

Admittedly, i was pretty excited about this news... But, being me, I also have my hesitation and, YES, doubts.

This hospital is much bigger than the one I work at and, hence, so is the department. What this means... I don't really know- but leave it to me to think of the negative.

It could mean possibly more work (not that that's necessarily a problem), more potential for problems with people I will be working with, and, more stress.... which is something I'm pretty sure I don't need.

Not to mention, the jobs pays less than what I'm making. And that's also a definite consideraton, especially since I am barely making ends meet now. To take a drop in pay, well, I don't think that's going to work out.

Let's face it, most people wouldn't consider taking a cut in pay... In fact, I think most people only change positions if their pay goes up... So, while I don't think it should be what makes the decision for you, it is still important.

However, i do have to factor in that I will be saving money on gas and the wear and tear on the car- so it may work out to be about even.... And, if that's the case, i will definitely have give it more thought.

Ok, yes, but there is one other thing holding me back. You can probably guess...

Yes, it's fear.

No, things aren't exactly ideal at my current job- far from it, but I guess there is a certain comfort level at knowing what to expect.

I know what my responsibilities are and what's expected from me, I know my co-workers and my supervisors, and I know the basic drill... And to go from that, to something completely unknown and different is hard for me. Change has never been easy for me.

But, saying that, I know that sometimes you have to take these chances...

Just because you are comfortable with a routine is not reason enough to stay put. Ultimately, by declining out of fear, you could be really limiting yourself from something really good and a potentially great experience.

I know this, but knowing this and actually not letting fear prevent me from moving forward are two different things.

I'm going to try and keep this post short and sweet (if that's possible)... but forgive me if I ramble a bit... I'll do my best to get to the point.

Ever put yourself out on the limb or do something that you would probably never do... only to be disappointed? Unfortunately that seems like the story of my life. And, sadly, when that happens, it makes me far less likely to take further chances.

I don't really want to go into specifics... Let's just say I met someone I thought was nice and, turns out, that this person was not what I thought. Yes, I'm disappointed, I thought we could be friends, but now I don't think that's possible. :( It's really too bad.

I am trying not to let it bother me too much, but I can't deny that it does. I know I'll get past this eventually, but I know it will also affect me when I consider taking future steps out of my comfort zone.

This is truly unfortunate, b/c, truth be told, I realize that I really need to keep taking chances. I mean, how else will I grow as a person? Ugh, that's really corny, but I do believe that. Anyway, I know this type of thing, will probably be more of a hindrance for me- and that's the last thing I need.


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So, do you believe that when women feel out of control with their life, they do something with their hair? Yes, I heard this on tv... but it so applies for me!

Tuesday, I was feeling kind of anxious, insecure, and down... I thought, I could use a change and maybe it will make me feel a little better about myself. I decided after the gym, I would go to the mall and get a haircut.

The hairstylist was really nice and she took a lot of time with my hair, but when she was finished- I wasn't crazy about it. i thought I looked matronly and that it wasnt very flattering.

By the time I got home, I still was not feeling the haircut. I took out my scissors and kept debating about doing a little cutting of my own.

I put the blade of the scissors up to my hair several times, but I kept hesitating... and stopped myself.

But, then I decided, hey, it's only hair and, what the hell, I'm going to go for it! And I did. Soon, there was a mound of hair in my bathroom sink. Holy hell, was there a LOT of hair.

And after I did it, I was like OMG! I can't believe I just did that.

I had been growng my hair out for a while and it was getting pretty long and now, well, it's quite short. The shortest I've had it in quite some time.

I spent a lot of time looking at myself and trying to figure out if I liked it or not. And I'm still not sure.

For one thing, I'm not sure it's completely even (oops), and, for another, I am worried about having to do it.

I don't think it looks horrible. To my surprise, I've actually been given a lot of compliments on it, but having to keep it in shape and style it is a real pain in the ass.

I know this seems so petty and stupid, but women are really attached to their hair... and doing this certainly proved that to me!

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On that note, I'm going to try and get to sleep... I've been staying up way too late lately... but I'll try to keep you all posted more often. As always, things have been a bit crazy for me, but I am still around and I AM still reading all your blogs- you know I can't stay away! :)

BTW, Scott, thanks so much for your message- it's definitely nice to feel like someone misses you! :)