Wednesday, November 30, 2005

First, I just wanted to say a BIG thank-you to all those who made comments on my last post. Your support, advice, and words of understanding mean so much to me. Even though I don't know anyone personally with this disease in my area, after reading your thoughts, I didn't feel so alone anymore. I know some may not be able to completely relate, but being that most of you deal with Diabetes more directly, I feel like you can understand where I'm coming from...and that helps. So thanks again :) You all are the best! :)

I'm happy to report that I did make up with my Mom finally. Unfortunately, it was after a lot of battling back and forth, phone calls, tears, and anger. I decided that I am going to see a counselor...I'm actually going today. I'm not sure how I feel about it. For some reason, I'm not crazy about paying someone to talk about things wih me. Maybe that's stupid, I don't know. All I know, is that I'm willing to give it a shot and see how it goes. My mom is going to come to a session or two with me and, that way, we can give the counselor a fuller picture of what's going on. Also, we decided that she isn't going to bring up my diabetes anymore... If something significant or worth discussing happens regarding it, I will bring it up. I think this way, I won't have the expectation that she will ask me about it and then be hurt and disappointed when she doesn't.

I'm not going to lie, I wish she would become more involved or make an effort in having a conversation (not an argument) about this, but to constantly get into a shouting match is not worth it. To be fair, I have to admit that my Mom has made efforts in the past. She arranged my family and myselfs participation in a walk for Diabetes. She has also accompanied me to my CDE/dietician apt. and doctor's apt. So I guess it's an exaggeration to say that she hasn't tried. However, I just wish she was more there fore me for the day to day stuff I have to deal with. Obviously, me forcing it on her is not working- as this argument proves. Maybe you all are right...maybe it's hard for her to see me struggle at times with this. I know sometimes it makes her feel helpless, b/c she doesn't know what to do or say. I agree that it might be hard for her even to discuss it, because honestly, I don't think she knows enough about it to talk about it... but that's what bothers me. She could learn about it if she wanted to, but she is resistant to it. Which could be out of fear. I was dx'ed at 24 (3.5 years ago) so she didn't have reason to really get involved in my care, and I think she doesn't want to take on additional stress by taking more of a role. I admit that I can be difficult at times, and this has put an extra strain on our relationship...which we really didn't need. I envy those who can have conversations about difficult topics with family. You are lucky, b/c it's so important to have your family's support, especially when dealing with a disease like this one.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The Recurring Argument...

I don't usually title my posts, but this one deserves a title, because it's been an ongoing problem between myself and my mother. The cause of the problem? Well, I guess it really boils down to my Diabetes. I know deep down my Mom cares about me, but she is so resistant to learning anything about this condition or what I go through each day. I can't even have a conversation with her about it, b/c she becomes so defensive...maybe that is my fault, but if you can't talk about something, how are things going to change/improve? This issue is making me miserable and my mother as well.

Basically this is what happens...
Mom will call me (or I'll call her) and we'll start by having a normal conversation, but as the conversation goes on, I grow more and more tense and irritable. It hits me that she isn't asking me how I'm doing or how my blood sugar is and that bothers me a lot. I mean, I am her daughter and shouldn't it matter to her if I am struggling? Shouldn't she want to know? Anyway, as she is about to hang up or when she says that she has to get off to go do something...I say to her "That's it?!" Of course by this time, I am way beyond annoyed (and hurt) that it didn't occur to her to bring the subject up, and this is where things start going down hill. I lose control of my temper and she gets defensive and nothing gets resolved. Usually, one of us hangs up on the other and then there is name calling spewed out - though more so coming from my Mom, which I know basically stems out of her frustration.

According to my Mom, we've talked about this subject over and over and she doesn't understand why this always has to be the topic of conversation. I admit, I do want to discuss it all the time-it's a huge issue in my life and I don't understand how she can not realize the importance of this to me. I also don't understand how she can think that we've talked about this- our conversations never go very far. They often erupt in anger and turn into huge arguments. Sometimes it makes me feel like she could care less, like she doesn't want to be bothered with hearing my problems. I know if it were me in her shoes, I would want my daughter to vent to me, if it meant that it would help her deal with things. But I guess she doesn't feel that way...

So neither of us are happy :( . In a way, I can understand how she feels. She doesn't know what to say or how to help me when I'm frustrated. I think hearing my frustration, she becomes frustrated herself. I get more and more annoyed that she's not saying what I think she should say. It's not really fair to her, I know. Maybe I sound like a complete, immature brat, and I know I can be at times, b/c I shouldn't always take out my problems on her. She tells me that she can't do anything to help me with my numbers, and in a sense she's right. Only I can take control of this disease and, as she has said, I'm 28 years old and should be able to take care of myself w/o getting her involved. However, saying that, the support I feel I need so much, I'm truly lacking. It's funny, b/c I don't really want to discuss this subject with my other family members, I only come to her with this issue. She often states that she doesn't know why I only "badger" her with this (in her words) and to be honest, I don't know. I just feel like she's my mom and she should care even more than my other family members. Does that make sense?

The reason I decide to post this today is because this happened again this morning. It's becoming almost a daily occurrence and I know it needs to end. I'm not sure how to amend this- my mom wants to blame this all on me, but I think both of us are responsible for these problems. We've talked about me speaking to a therapist, but I think I would still resent the fact that she chooses not to get involved. It almost sounds like she doesn't want to be bothered with it it's not her problem, so why should she care? Like I said, I know she cares deep down, but sometimes she doesn't make it apparent. I'm at a loss right now...I don't know what to do about this situation. I wonder how other diabetics cope with these emotional issues regarding support from family...I guess I'm looking for some suggestions or ideas on what to do in this situation. Yeah, physically this disease plays a real number on you, but I think the emotional and mental side of things are far worse. I wish it was easier.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I'm all moved in :) So, SO happy that that is behind me...supposedly, moving is one of the most stressful times in life and I believe it. I'm trying to get settled in and I'm adjusting to things slowly, but surely. It's weird, I really didn't do a lot of the moving boxes myself, but the past few days I've been exhausted. Guess that's to be expected, like I said, moving is stressful and that stress wears on you. I really do like my apartment a lot. It's very cute, even if it's tiny. It's just me anyway and I don't really need a lot of space... that way it's less to clean. Yeah, I'm gonna miss being in my old town, but it's not like I'm so far from there. Actually, I will be visiting there a lot, I still belong to the gym there and I go just about everyday. It's about 15 min or so away, but it's worth the's a nice gym and it gives me a reason to visit my home town.

Good news... I heard from the guy, D. I still don't know what to make of him. I'm not sure there is any chemistry there, though I barely had time to talk to him on Friday. I did speak to him a few times since. He called me-which was a nice surprise. I probably sound like a bumbling idiot to him. I was nervous even talking to him on the phone. He wanted to meet up on Friday, but I don't think I'm up for it this weekend. Plus, I'm planning on going shopping with the rest of the world. I don't think I'll feel like it afterwards. So maybe sometime next week. I wonder how that will go...guess I'll have to just wait and see. ;)

Friday, November 18, 2005

I started to post the other day, but didn't save or publish my post, about an experience I had with Rebounding- and I'm not talking about basketball. Ok, corny attempt at a joke. No, actually, what I am referring to is blood sugar levels rebounding from one extreme to the other and back again. It's something I extremely hate, but it's a common occurrence in the whole Diabetes game.

It was Tuesday evening and I tested right before going to sleep. To my shock and dismay, my blood sugar read an alarming level of over 300! :o( Yikes! So before turning in that night, I took a 3 unit correction bolus and hit the hay. I thought that that would bring me down to a comfy level of about 150, but I was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Around 2 am I woke up not feeling right. I recognized the feeling pretty quickly, so I managed to get myself out of bed and stumbled my way to my kitchen. I tested and soon found out that my level was the lowest I had been in a long time- it read 31. I didn't hesitate to start treating the low...I ate about 3/4 of a bagel and some cereal...which I didn't bolus for, but probably should have, b/c apparantly, I overdid it. Before I went back to bed, I tested again and was back up to a normal level of 121. The next morning, my sugar had rebounded yet again- back to over 300. It's so aggravating, you correct a high, it brings you low. You correct a low, it brings you high. UGH! :( Anyway, I did manage to bring my levels down, but it took most of the morning. It always seems like there is this small margin of what is considered normal, but it's so easy to hit either extreme. I really hate those extremes (esp. highs), but what I hate even more is the Rebound Effect- it's so much more exhausting. :( :( :(

Moving on...or trying to anyway.

My last post, I had mentioned G., a guy my co-worker sort of set me up with. Well, I had some concerns and apprehension about him, and, unfortunately, those concerns have only grown. Monday evening I spoke to him on the phone for the first time. I was nervous talking to him on the phone, it's so much harder than just instant messaging someone online. I think it may even be harder than meeting someone in person, b/c there's no facial cues or body language to read. Anyway, things seemed to be going ok until he mentioned something that happened on his last job. He was working for a clothing warehouse and, according to his story, some kid, who was interning there, pantsed him (is that a word?). He turned around and kicked the guy...which led to him being suspended and then eventually fired. Hearing this story totally turned me off. To me, it sounds like he lost control and lashed out. Obviously, if it was me, I'd be angry and embarrassed too, but I don't think I would physically go after the other person. I would try to be the bigger person. I didn't say anything about it at the time, but it just didn't jive with me. The next day, I emailed him saying that I didn't think things were going to work out... I didn't go into why too much. He called me the next day and left me a message saying that he's confused and doesn't understand why I ended things. Then, that evening, I came back from my class and he was online waiting for me. As soon as I logged on, he IMed me. The truth basically came out...he asked me if he had done something wrong, so I was honest with him. I don't know, maybe I'm making more out of this than I should, but I just don't want to get involved with someone with an anger problem or someone who can't control his temper. Thinking about it some more, I really don't know why he's so persistent. He hardly knows me. It bothers me that there's an element of desperation about him. To me, it seems like he just wants a girlfriend, it doesn't really matter who so much. Anyway, I told him that I need to think about it some more and he said that he understands, so I guess we'll see. To be completely blunt, I don't think he's my type. Something about him doesn't seem right, but I don't know him, maybe I need to give him a chance. As you can tell, I'm kind of confused right now. I don't think meeting him once is a big deal, but I don't' want to waste my time either...wish I knew what to do.

Then there's this other other co-worker, W., introduced me to. I actually just came back from meeting him at lunch. He seems like a nice guy, but I can't tell if he's interested or not. I guess it doesn't hurt to meet someone new and maybe make a new friend, but I always get so nervous about these introductions...guess I still have some social anxiety. He took down my number, I guess if he's interested he'll call.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

So let's just say that my social life/dating life leaves a LOT to be desired. Ok, I admit, I have no social life :(. Recently, one of my co-workers, S., tried this online dating website and met someone she really likes and is trying to encourage me to try it myself. To be completely honest, I'm apprehensive about doing this.

I've tried it before...and ended up very disappointed. Basically the person I thought might be a good match for me, didn't turn out to be. He was nice, smart, and kind of nerdy (which I guess I like), but he had no idea on how to treat a girl. He hadn't really dated before and never had been in a relationship- but neither had I. However, I know what I want and something was missing...and I think we both knew it. Anyway, I ended it. I thought it wasn't going anywhere and I was sick of coming away from our "dates" disappointed. After that, I decided to take a break from the online scene. It just didn't seem like the right path for me.

Well, back tracking a bit, S. also was contacted by this other guy on the site, but at that point, she already liked someone else. So this guy, let's call him G., asked her if she has any single friends. I don't know how I got brought into it (???), but somehow I did, and now we've been emailing each other back and forth. In some ways, I'm intrigued by G. I'm curious and I want to know what he's like, but there are some things that I'm not so sure about. First...he's young- he's only 25! And you know what they say about guys- they mature a lot slower than women do. He told me his birthday and he was born in 1980, which made me freak out even more. I'm only a couple years older, but hearing that made it seem like I was years and years older than him for some reason. I don't know, it just doesn't sit well with me, but maybe I'm making a bigger deal about it than I should. Hey, look at Demi and Ashton, LOL :) The next issue is distance- he lives about 45 minutes, more or less, away from me. I don't think that helps matters much. Let's say we do hit it off, is distance going to be a problem? And lastly is education/career. I hate to sound like a snob (I'm really not one), but I highly doubt he's attended college and it seems like he's job hopped quite a bit. Not to mention that when we IM each other, he's not a great speller either. I know, I know, when you IM someone it's very informal, but whenever he misspells a simple word, I am very aware of it. Like I mentioned before, what attracts me is someone who is very smart and who has a good head on his shoulder. I think I question if this guy has those qualities. Now to play the devil's advocate- I do think that everyone deserves a chance and who knows, we might really hit it off. It does seem like we have some things in common and when we chat online, I can be more myself and I'm not so worried about what he's going to think. Anyway, he asked me out last night to a movie, which took me way off guard, but I did accept. I guess I have nothing to lose and we both agree that if we make another friend out of this whole thing, that won't be so bad. I just wish there weren't those other factors working against him :( .

That really is the most exciting thing going on right now. Oh wait, I take that back. I did get a lot done this weekend in regards to my move. My Mom came down yesterday and we spent almost all of the day, cleaning up my apartment, packing things up, and moving things to my new place. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful Mom. She made things so much easier and she's very good company for me. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without her- she's probably my best friend in this world and I love her more than I can express. So, thanks to my Mom, we got practically everything done that we could do. Then we stopped at the mall for dinner and she even stayed later to help me pick out a few odds and ends at The Christmas Tree Shop for my new place. I knew she was tired by the end of the day, we both were, but she wanted to make sure that we got everything done I wanted to. We started working at about 10:30 am and we didn't finish til about 5. What can I say- She's the BEST :) !

The one thing that bothered me about yesterday was that I went low twice. The first time was right before lunch. I had worked out in the morning and then with all the moving, packing, and running up and down the stairs, had a bit of a second workout. I know I used up a lot of glucose in my body . I tested in at 39-yikes! :o The second time was at my new apartment. Again, I was doing a lot running around and, that time, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt really awful. I didn't test right away- I felt it was more important for me to just get something in me before I ended up in trouble. Of course, I didn't have anything on me- which was a stupid, stupid move, but I vaguely remembered that I had something in my glove compartment in my car. Luckily, something was still there. It was a nutrigrain bar, God only knows how old, but it would do. So I ate it and I felt better. I tested a few minutes afterwards and was up to 100. I don't know what I was before-hand, but I think it must have been frightening low. I swear, one day I am going to get myself into big sh#t, b/c I don't carry anything with me to treat my lows. I don't know why I don't- again, I think it might be b/c I don't fully accept my diagnosis, but that's no excuse to be so idiotic about things. I'm going to definitely put something in my car, as I have found out- lows can and do happen at the least convenient times and it is better to be safe than sorry.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I hate having Diabetes. I actually resent having it. I find it a major inconvenience, and even when I'm not thinking about it directly, it's at the back of my mind. For example, when I'm at work- I think,"did I eat right at breakfast","Did I check to make sure I bolused", "Do I have enough insulin to last the day in my reservoir", "Am I going low/high"? Then when I'm at the gym, I think: "Am I working out hard enough" "Am I dropping too low, having a hypoglycemic episode" These are just the typical questions that run through my head ALL day and ALL night (aside from when I'm sleeping- and who knows what is going on subconsciously?). I wonder, when I have trouble or frustration controlling my Diabetes-if part of the problem is the possibility that I haven't completely accepted my diagnosis. I still want to eat what I want/when I want it...and not worry about the consequences. I want to be able to work out as long and hard as I want...and not worry about the consequences. I want to be able to not worry about insulin or whether my infusion site/set is ok...and not worry about the consequences. Ok, ok, I guess you get my drift. I want to be able to live my life and not stress about these issues and the fact that I have to be always observant of these things really aggravates and annoys me at times.

I read Sandra's post about Keeping the Faith (at a Shot in the Dark- see Link) for a cure. I would really love to believe that there is one coming just around the corner, but the cynical, maybe, more realistic side of me knows that probably isn't the case. I think there are definite advancements and progress is being made, and that's wonderful, but I think what we need even more is a cure. I posted many times how heartbreaking it is to me, that children have to live with a disease like this. Children shouldn't have to have all these worries about their health. Then there's the question, Sandra posted on her site, how do you answer a question like "Mom, when is there going to be a cure"? I don't have children, but I'm not sure how I would answer that question if I did have a son or daughter with the illness. I guess the best way is to be honest, and say that we don't know, but we hope and pray that there will be one soon.

Yes, I have my moments where this disease really gets to me and gets me down, but I guess in a way we should be thankful too. This disease sucks, but at least we can manage it and control it. There are so many other disease and conditions where, I'm sure, the person feels almost powerless. So knowing that we have that capability, we should do everything we can to control it and not let it control us.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

I was very happy to see that I had a couple comments on my was a nice surprise. These comments are from 2 wonderfully talented women, Sandra and Kerri. I don't know if you have seen their blogs, but I sincerely feel like they are ones that shouldn't be passed up- check them out :) (Sandra's, A Shot in the Dark) and Kerri's (Six until Me). I finally fixed my "Links" section, that's an easy way to view their blogs. I wasn't sure that anyone would want to read what I had to say since, let's face it, my life isn't exactly the most interesting or facinating. So I extremely appreciate the feedback- hey, I'll take comments, good or bad. Ok, hopefully there will be more good than bad, but your comments are welcome here- post away!

This weekend was very hectic. For those of you who don't know, I'm moving. Getting everything squared away hasn't been easy. First, there was the matter of getting my cat, Toby, situated in someone else's home. I was and am still very sad about giving up my cat, but being that I am going to be in a different apartment with a landlord who appears to be very nosy- I didn't think it would be a good situation. Not to mention, that Toby is mischevious and likes to paw at things until they fall over or spill. He canbe a bit destructive, I have a square missing out of my min-blinds in my bedroom, because he chewed it off. So R. coming in from time to time and seeing that, might lead to problems. Anyway, on Saturday I was going to drop him off with my coworker J., who had so nicely agreed to take him in, on the condition that I get him checked out at the vet first (namely for feline leukemia-which is a very contagious disease among cats). Well...I get to the vet at around 11:30 and am told that he cannot be tested, because he has not been seen for a long while. I admit, I did wait too long to bring him in, but when I had called earlier in the week they should have told me that he would need an exam before he got tested and got his shots. I spent a while calling other places trying to find a vet who would be able to see him, but no such luck. I called J. to let her know the situation and she agreed to take him anyway, but that I would have to come and take him to his appt for his test. I went back in the vet's office to set up an appt. and, my luck had taken a total 180. They had a cancellation and were able to see him afterall. So he got checked out, got his blood test, and shots, and we left to J. apartment. The poor thing was so scared, it really breaks my heart. All the way down to the vet he cried and he still is having a hard time adjusting, according to J. I hope he will be ok. I know it's a whole different place and environment, but at least he has some freedom and isn't in some cage. I do miss him very much- I still go to look for him in his usual favorite spots and then it hits me that he's gone. I really do love him and if there was any way I could have kept him, I would have in a heartbeat.

After going through all that, which was a bit traumatic for him and me both. I still had so much to do. I hadn't had lunch at that point and it was almost 2. So I went to my usual favorite Sat. aftenoon place and picked up something quick, then I headed to Borders to do some of my work for my coding class. When I left, it was about 5 pm... and I knew I had to get to cleaning my apartment (something I always dread doing). But this time, it was especially hard, because it needed an extremely thorough landlord was, at that time, planning on coming over and checking out everything to make sure there were no problems or issues. I spent about 3-4 hours cleaning and scrubbing. I'm embarrassed to say, that my apartment was really pretty filthy. At about 9:30 pm, I had done all that I was going to do and could finally have dinner and could finally relax a bit.

Sunday, turned out to be a little better. However, after doing all that scrubbing and cleaning, my landlord did not end up showing up. I called him and he said that he had been over and there was no sign that anyone was home. True, I had gone to the gym that morning, but I was back at 11:30- the time he was supposed to visit. He said he prefers to come when everything has been moved out, I guess I have no choice now. I then decided to meet up with a study group for my coding class. Like I have mentioned I have been having a hard time getting motivated to do any work. Getting together with a group kind of forces you to do the work, and it makes it a little more interesting too. We finished up around 4:30 and I decided I needed to do something for myself. I had a gift certificate to Borders I wanted to I went to browse. I didn't find anything and after a while, I was frustrated and decided to go home. I spend the rest of the night, basically, doing nothing. I had dinner, went online for awhile, and then turned in.

It was not a great weekend by any means, but I did manage to get a good deal done. As a bit of a side note, my diabetes control even seemed ok. I think being busy helped keep my numbers in check. I guess that's one good thing to come out of everything that went on this weekend.