Sunday, March 25, 2007

Sadly, the weekend is over :( ... It sucks that it's over and another Monday is approaching, but I guess that's how it goes. Hopefully, it will go a little smoother than last week.

Speaking of which, I didn't post about it, but just about a week ago, I had a little mishap driving to work.

It was Monday, and I figured that b/c of that I should leave a little earlier as there seems to be more traffic and delay on my commute on that particular day of the week... Looking back on what happened, I wish I didn't bother.

Anyway, I was driving along on my way to work, simply minding my own business. I had just pulled onto the Saw Mill Parkway, making pretty good time, when something awful happens. I look over to the left, over my shoulder, at the traffic going in the opposite direction. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice something coming off the roof of one of the vans or small trucks as it's going around the curve.

Holy SHIT, it's ice! And not just a little icicle or two, but a BIG block of ice! It didn't take me long to realize that it's heading in my direction and I think, OMG, it's going to hit ME! And, of course, it does...

I must of went into shock for a minute or two- but when I come back to reality, I can't believe what just happened... or the crack that was left on my windshield. It's not just a small little crack by any means, but a large (almost) circular crack spanning from the middle of the windshield all the way towards the passenger side of my car. Not only that, but later I notice that there is more damage right under the windshield on the trim of my windshield and a small dent on the hood as well.

I didn't know whether to try and pull over or to keep going, but I opted to keep going. Frankly, there is no where to go to pull over on that parkway... so I didn't have much of a choice.

I end up getting to work on time, but by the time I get off the phone with my insurance to report the incident, it doesn't matter, I end up being late. Sometimes I just don't know why I even ever bother trying :(.

I get myself into my department, but am extremely shaken up. I had an extremely hard time getting myself together, but, somehow, I made it through the rest of the day... which I was surprised I was able to do. I wasn't sure that that would be possible, but I knew that I had to go on with the day.

Admittedly, the next night I lost it and was extremely upset. Yes, I realize that it could have been a lot worse, I could have been seriously injured, lost control of my car, or even worse (yikes!), but I still couldn't get over the fact that this had happened. And, it bothers me still!

I am so enraged that it damaged my car. I loved that car before this happened, it was perfect, and now it's simply not :-< ! Having something in such a good state, w/o being damaged in some way, just doesn't seem possible for me. There always has to be someone or something that has to ruin that for me...and I just don't get that.

Why is it that everything that I have that is good or brings me some type of pleasure has to be taken away? I can't lie that sometimes I really do feel like a black cloud is following me around... B/c this type of thing seems so unfair and ridiculous and yet it happened... and, to who else, but ME. The more I think of it the more upset and angry it makes me.

I am extremely enraged at the driver who got away with doing this to me... I know it wasn't purposeful, but b/c of that person's inconsideration and laziness at cleaning off his car properly, it has caused me a lot of anxiety and stress (not to mention inconvenience).

Unfortunately, since he was driving on the other side of the road, there was no way to get his license or any information to report him. So, in other words, he gets off scott-free! I don't like wishing bad things on people, but I truly hope that karma is a bitch and that what goes around- comes around.

And to top it all off, I am beyond enraged at the money, time, and inconvenience this all has cost me. I have spent so much time on the phone (at work, no the less) with the insurance working out the details of the accident, the arrangement of trying to get it fixed, and details involving how much it is going to cost me. Frankly, I have hard enough trouble making ends meet as is and this expense is so uncalled for and the last thing I need.

I cannot stress just how FUCKED UP that is!!!

I just want to go back in time and reverse this all from happening. I know that's not possible, but I wish there was some way.

And as a bonus, this, obviously, doesn't help my depression or anxiety issues. When people tell me to be patient and to believe that things are going to get better for me, this is part of the reason why I have such a hard time doing that. Because, whether it is a freak incident or not, I can't help but feel that only these types of things are what awaits me on my path in life. Everything seems to be a struggle or difficult in some way- and, I cannot deny that I feel like I am truly unlucky.

Today, driving home from my parents today, I came across a Guns N' Roses song on the radio. Frankly, I've never been a fan of the group, but as I was listening, I realized what a good song it is. I think the title says it all... As we all know it's definitely not my strong suit, but maybe others out there know more than I do about life in general and the future, so, saying this, I am trying.

So here's the video (which is kind of weird and brings back the whole '80s vibe), but, as I said, the song is a good one and worth a listen.

Friday, March 16, 2007

It's a winter storm here today in my neck of the woods~ It's been snowing, sleeting, and, I think, we are on freezing rain now... Lovely, isn't it? As you can tell by my sarcasm, I'm SO not a fan of this mixed precipitation, but seeing that we've been pretty much spared this winter- I probably shouldn't complain.

Anyway, due to the weather, I didn't make it into work. I felt somewhat guilty about not even attempting to go in, but I knew that things were going to progressively get worse as the day went along. Also, my boss isn't always the most agreeable and I didn't know if he would understand if I had to leave early b/c of it. I decided not to even chance it.

But now I'm having second thoughts... I don't know, maybe I should have went in for a few hours. It certainly would have been good to have gotten some work done...that goes without a doubt. Now, Monday I am going to be beyond overwhelmed with stuff, not to mention having to deal with my boss too. Of course, now it's too late, so I guess I'll have to just deal... though I'm kind of stressed already thinking about it. (not that it takes too much to stress me out as we already know ;-o)


Speaking of stress and anxiety, among other things, I'm not sure I mentioned that I started on a new psych drug. I'm taking Lexapro. I started about 10 days ago on the lowest dose. Honestly, I'm not sure that it's making a huge difference, but I do feel like I'm a little it more at ease than usual. So I guess that's something.

Truthfully, dealing with my anxiety and depression has really hindered me tin he past and still does in many ways. To me, It almost feels all encompassing, if that makes sense. My mind would get so stuck on one thing, a negative situation or experience, that I would have a hell of a time getting past it. It doesn't help that I am hypersensitive.

J actually used this word in therapy when I described to her how I react to different things in life. And I feel that it's so fitting, that I think I would choose it to sum me up if limited to one word.

This, in my opinion, is not a good thing. Let's face it, living in today's world can be difficult. There are plenty of chances to be knocked down by different circumstances, things, and people. Oh, yeah, people can be horrible- mean and vicious for no reason. And some don't care whatsoever if they kick you when you are already down. So being hypersensitive really doesn't lend itself well to trying to live life and encounter different situations and people. It just challenges me more than I think I would ever need.

Then you add Diabetes to the mix-and if I wasn't already a chaotic mess, then I SURE as hell am now!

So how do I deal with this all? Frankly, I'm not sure. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist and taking medication prescribed by my psychiatrist, but I still feel uncertain about things. Plus, I can't shake the hopelessness I feel about things ever getting better. I'm not real confident about that at all.

I'm doing the best I can, trying to manage and do what I can to get by, but I'm still not sure that's good enough and that worries me.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

A few of my fellow OC bloggers did this one, so I decided to try it too! It actually seems to be pretty accurate as these quizzes go... Although I'm not too sure about the being balanced or peaceful part (???) .

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are balanced, peaceful, and sincere.
You're the type of person who goes along to get along.
And you're definitely afraid of rocking the boat.

Underneath it all, you fear your world falling apart.
You'll put up with a situation that you don't like in fear of changing it.
Disruptive and forceful people intimidate you - and sometimes exploit you.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Seven Things... (thanks for the tag, BetterCell :) ).

1. Get "cured" from T1DM.(Had to steal this from BC- kind of tops my list)
2. Find my soulmate
3. Find a career I love
4. See more of the world...
5. Get to meet and know more people.
6. Be more accepting of myself and others
7. Find Happiness

1. Be Organized
2. Stop Drinking Diet Soda :o(
3. Stop Worrying and Being Anxious
4. Stop Being a Control Freak
5. Stop Procrastinating
6. Let go of the Past
7. Let myself Be

1. Humor
2. A friendly personality
3. A nice smile/pretty eyes
4. Intelligence
5. A little bit of mischief
6. Sharing things in common
7. Kindness.

1. Some choice 4 letter words...
2. You know?
3. Hey, you!
4. Oh, that's too bad.
5. That sucks/It sucks/Life sucks/ I suck.
6. You weird-o!
7. Whatever

1. Needles
2. Eve's Apple
3. Something Borrowed
4. Girl Interrupted
5. Little Women
6. Hunger Point
7. Diabetes Burnout

1. Bridget Jone's Diary
2. Girl Interrupted
3. Steel Magnolias
4. Wonder Boys
5. The Hours
6. Mona Lisa Smile
7. You Got Mail

I tag whomever wants to jump in and do this! Come on, it's fun :)

Thursday, March 01, 2007

I had a discussion with my Mom during the week- ok, it was more like a disagreement than a discussion... Anyway, regardless of what you may call it, something came up that has been on my mind over the last few days. Basically, she said that she doesn't think that I am ever going to be happy or content with anything...

Ok, she was speaking in terms of the support that she gives me, not so much in the general sense, but as I was thinking about it more, I think it could be applied to just about everything in my life.

Yes, there's a lot of things that I would like to improve about my current situation- things I wish were different about myself or things I wish I had that I lack. But, saying that, I'm not sure that I would feel so much differently if I had all those things. I mean, I'm not sure that I would be any more satisfied with my life.

My guess is NO- I think that I would still feel like something was missing or I would want something more. It still just wouldn't be enough. For some reason, I think I'd have this void there n omatter what... which just may be impossible to fill... And that's pretty sad.

I mentioned this in therapy, during our brief session on Wednesday, and, J. feels that this is just another component to my depression. It's a sense of hopelessness and helplessness...among many, many unpleasant feelings and emotions which really suck. But I cannot deny that this is pretty true to how I feel.

Frankly, the more I think about it, the more depressing it seems. As we have already established, I don't have a lot of faith or hope that things are going to change or improve for me.

And, I think, to just let things continue this way is only going to cause further damage. I think I will only become evem more unhappy, more hopeless, and more depressed. And I really don't want that.

I don't want to be one of those chronically dissatisfied people who are mad at everything and all in the world. I don't want to be one of those people who walks around with a big chip on my shoulder, feeling that things always suck for me. I don't want to continue a pathway of being sad and miserable. i don't want ANY of that. So I know I have to make an effort to chang things. Hence, the therapy, the blogging, and my consult tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I'm meeting with the psychiatrist and possibly starting on some anti-anxiety/depression medication. I've actually been down this road before w/o much success. So knowing that, I'm definitely not expecting miracles by any means. Given my past history with medication, I'm really not expecting that much of a change at all. But, despite my lack of faith, I think a small part of me still wants to try- for some small chance that it may help.

I'm willing to do what I can to make things better for myself. I know that I can't just ptetend like everything will improve on their own, like I might have believed in the past. Maybe with this therapy, medication, and support from loved ones, friends, and the online community, life won't seem as sucky and miserable as it has. I'd really like to believe that.