Saturday, August 26, 2006


Since I've been back from VAY-CAY (vacation)... things haven't been going so swimmingly :( . One of my main problems, lately, has been trying to get back in control of Diabetes and this, to my dismay, has proven to be an EXTREMELY challenging thing.

Now while I was away, my control was far from great. Actually, the day before we left, I spent the night at my parents and I had horrific readings all evening long. How horrific, you may ask? Well, let's see... how about readings as high as 500. Yeah, that's pretty scary stuff. And I was really miserable. Finally, after multiple corrections and changing out everything I could think of... I collapsed into bed- completely worn out from both exhaustion and the stress of dealing with it all.

I feared having a repeat of the last cruise I was on... (which I did post about for those interested-search posts from around last August). Basically, I had a pump malfunction and, to make things even more wonderful, I didn't have any backup supplies. Let's just say it ruined my time away and my sister's as well. Anyway, I was really afraid that I was going to have a repeat of that awful situation. However, guess all those corrections and changing of sets worked, b/c I woke up te next morning with normal blood sugars-phew!- which was a real relief to see.

Of course, i was still very paranoid that my pump was going to fail on me. Any time I heard a beep or sound that could possibly be confused with a pump alarm, I had to check my pump. But, luckily, whatever caused those extreme readings seemed to no longer be an issue, b/c my blood sugar seemed to be okay for the most part throughout the cruise.

Ok, no, they weren't great. I did spike every afternoon after my workout, of all times (?), to about 300, but other than that, I managed.

Yes, usually, seeing a reading as high as 300 would sort of freak me out, but I thought that I'm not going to spend my vacation worring about it. I decided that I would just treat whatever high or low I had and move on. Ok, lows weren't an issue, being that I was around food for a large part of the day (hey, I was on a cruise, lol). But I did have several highs, as you may guess.

Well, since I've been home, I guess you can guess that things haven' t gone as planned. Since I've been back, my blood sugars have been anything but in control. For a few days they stayed in the upper hundred to anywhere in the 200 range. At first I thought, ok, no big deal... I'll just wait this out. But each new day showed no improvement. Actually for a while there, things only got worse and worse. And it was taking a major toll. I was feeling pretty shitty :(. I was running to the bathroom all the time and I was exhausted. And each new high (reading), brought me closer and closer to panicking...which is what I tend to do when I feel out of control.

Thursday, when I thought I couldn't take it anymore, I had another setback. First, it was such a long ass day that I thought would never end, which made me even more anxious. But, finally, 4:30 (quitting time) did eventually come. And I just about busted out of there.

I went to the gym, as usual, stopped at Stop & Shop to pick up a few things, and then proceeded to drive home. Well, as I was driving home I noticed that my car was driving funny. It kept veering to the right. For a minute, I thought I might be dragging something, so I was like, ok, maybe I should pull over and check it out.

I pulled my car over to a little side street, put it into park, and got out to look for whatever was causing the problem. The driver side seemed fine, but I discovered a problem on the passenger side. My front passenger side tire was completely flat. Oh shit, oh shit, oh SHIT!

I basically was stunned... and my mind went blank. Finally, I thought that maybe I could turn the car around and make it to the gas station -which was only a very short distance away. But as I turned the car, I realized how bad of shape it was in. I didn't think I would make it. Let's just say every movement was felt, and I was boucing up and dow with every movement. I pulled the car off onto the shoulder, but at seeing how fast and how close cars were passing, decided to pull off onto someones driveway.

At this point I thought maybe I could call my parents. I did a couple times, but no one was there. I knew there wasn't much they could do being that they live 40 minutes away, but I thought maybe that they could help me decide how to handle this. I then called my two sisters, but they weren't there either.

I decided to call the police. The dispatcher told me that whoever came out may not be able to change it, but would try and help. what? Why couldn't hey help me change it? I didn't get that, but I didn't care at this point, as long as someone was going to try and help me in some way.

Unfortunately, the policeman couldn't change it, but we decided to try and make it to the gas station. He drove behind me to the gas station and we did make it. Ok, maybe they could help me....

Ok, maybe not. Unfortunately,it was after 7 pm, and they had already put all their tools and things away. The best they could do was tell me to leave it overnight and they'd do it first thing in the morning. This is not what I wanted to hear. I needed to get home still. I needed to work the next day. And how would I get back there to pick it up?

I ended up calling a friend of mine, K. I knew that she would help me if she could- she's that kind of person. At first she didn't pick up her phone either, but not too much later, she called me back. And she proved to not only be a good friend, but a life saver.

Turns out that she has a AAA card- which is a very valuable thing to have. They come out, change the tire, and get you going again, when you have problems like this one. I didn't know if they would help me, seeing that it wasn't my membership and she wasn't driving with me. But, we took our chances.

Of course, they told us that they couldn't tell us an exact time they were coming- it was between that moment and could be as late as 9:30 pm (which was 2 hours away). For awhile we had a difficult time deciding whether we should just leave it there and pick it up the next morning (K. volunteered to take me to pick it up) or just wait for AAA.

But I didn't want to inconvenience K even more that I had already had. She actually had plans that night with another friend, but had to cancel, thanks to me and my car issues, so after much deliberation we decided to wait.

Since we had time to kill, we went to get dinner. We were a little worried about leaving the car and missing AAA, but we decided that most likely that wouldn' t show until the latest ETA- we figured we'd be ok. Plus, we figured they'd call when they were in the area or when they got to the station my car was at.

Well, they called while we were eating and left a message on K's voicemail that someone was waiting for us at the gas station. So we hurriedly paid and went to meet the guy. He had half finished the job by the time we arrived and it didn't take him long to finish up. Soon I was driving home with a doughnut on my car. By the time I walked int the door, it was almost 10 pm. I was so tired, but I was just SO glad to be home.

Thankfully the next day was Friday, but I was so spent physically and emotionally from everything including : the problems with my blood sugar, my car issues, work stress, and the journey back to reality, that I kind of broke down at work. I wanted to leave so badly and go home, but I knew I couldn't. I just got back from vacation and I knew that I couldn't just leave no matter how badly I felt or tired I was.

I don't know how, but I made it through the day. My blood sugar issues even seemed to get better and, by afternoon, I was ok. Tired, yes, but ok. I still got myself to the gym that evening, which I reluctantly dragged myself to, and worked out. I arrived home around 7 pm and tried to relax as much as possible.

Instead of relaxing today, which I know I needed, I spent most of that day doing more running around. One thing I knew I had to get done was my tires and a long overdue oil change. I ended up spending about $180 dollars on my tires and the oil change. It was a painful, especially since lately I've been spending more than I should, but I know that this expense was essential. Now, I have to really settle down and save. Not easy for me, but I have to try.

Ugh, so this first week back was not exactly what I would hope for, but I'm hoping that things will improve from here. I'm not sure how and I'm a bit doubtful that they'll be any change or improvement, but can things get any worse? Maybe I shouldn't even make that statement... I don't want to dare fate.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

OK, so my post about the cruise is coming, but I have to use this post to vent. And, again, it's about my job. The more and more that I am at my place of employment, the more and more I become frustrated, annoyed, and anxious to get the hell out of there. I can explain...

I had made up my mind to just go in to work, do my job, and come home and not worry about some of the bullshit that goes on there. However, this is proving to not be so easy. I can't help but get irritated by a lot of the people I work with. I mean, some days I am not sure I'm actually working with a bunch of adult women or if I'm working with catty, high school girls... I am really starting to believe the latter and it does bug me, probably more than it should.

What gets me even more is that a lot of the crap that goes on seems to be just fine and dandy when certain people are involved, but if I ever dreamed of daring to do the same, there goes A's eyes staring at me in disapproval, or T raising an eyebrow. But, yet, if a favorite, like S., or any one else did the same things, it's A-OK.

I'll give you an example. Every morning, yes, I mean everyday, S. and this other girl will stand around for at least 40 minutes, just socializing and chit-chatting. But that's not where it ends. Throughout the rest of the day, they'll continue to run back and forth to each other's desk to do the same. And it's not just that, b/c then S. will be on the phone with this daughter ,or that daughter, or this sister, or that friend all day long. I truly wonder what they think when they get the phone bill and they see the log of calls that she makes on a daily basis. I guess it's ok, or at least ok for her to do it...

When my friend K. was working with me, I got in trouble, b/c they said that we were talking a bit too much. Well, WTF!!! Hello?!!! Are they blind, do they see what goes on with others I work with? Or are they just choosing not to see it? Of course, I know the answer to that one ... :(.

I know that people will always have their favorites. And I know that for people you like, you would be more likely to let things slide. BUT, I feel that the rules should not only apply to certain people, but to everyone. No one should be given preferable treatment and, unfortunately, that's the way it is where I work.

Obviously, I am not a favorite, but whatever their personal feelings are about me, I feel that if I am doing my best to get my work done, that that should be recognized. I feel like I work so much harder than a lot of people there, & it doesn't matter. It doesn't win me any points and I don't think anyone even realizes it.

If that isn't bad enough- there's more! Yes, more drama... :(

There's another woman I work with, J., who is not one of the well liked people there. And I know, for a fact, that my bosses do not like her. I have to admit, there are times where she does get on my nerves. But what people say about her behind her back, and how truly cruel some of these people I work with can be, really disturbs me.

People will not only say that she doesn't know what she is doing, but they'll make fun of her clothes, her makeup, and various other personal things. I have heard my bosses call her "crazy", among other harsh words, which seems mean, cold, and unprofessional to me, at least.

Today she was called into A's office. I don't really know what the story was, but as soon as that door closed, little groups of people started to gather and, yes, it was easy to guess what was the topic of conversation.

I heard this one say, "Oh, I'd love to be a fly on the wall..." and another acted perfectly gleeful that J. was being reprimanded for something. And then someone said, "I think she's being fired..."

I just don't get it. First, I don't see why people are so set on making this woman an outcast. I don't think she's ever really said anything mean or evil spirited to pit people against her. But it's like people just love to cut other people down, especially people who are different.

Second, how is it any one's business what was going on in that office. Admittedly, I was curious to know what was going on-I guess that's human nature,but I definitely wasn't happy about it.

It makes me wonder what people said about me when I've been called in. I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I'm so sick of the shit that goes on. And it doesn't help that I'm starting to get paranoid from seeing people constantly whispering and gossiping... I know that there's no escaping people's comments- they're going to say, what they're going to say, but I just hate that these people are capable of spewing so much poison. It really does make me sick.

So now if the job didn't suck enough, dealing with the people there only makes it worse. I'm not naive, I know that anywhere you go, you'll be likely to find some of this stuff going on. But I feel that this goes beyond normal and really does cross the line. I guess in a way this is good, b/c maybe this will serve as even more motivation to find another position and get the fuck out of there.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

My Vacation photos...

I am planning on posting about my vacation -and everything that came along with it (mostly good :) stuff)- but in the meantime- I thought I'd post some photos. Like they say, a picture says a thousand words :)

Our boat, Royal Carribean's "Enchantment of the Seas"...

This is my sisters, K & C, and myself... think we all look like we are enjoying ourselves so far! :)

One more... formal night

Stayed tuned for my post and more pictures :) :) :)

Saturday, August 12, 2006

The last few days I've been in such a mood... Last night was truly a sight and NOT a pretty one at that. I spent the night very teary-eyed, weepy, and over emotional- basically, it was full-blown pity party, which is something I have been known to throw for myself in the past on occasion.

The funny thing about it is that of all times to get all mopey-dopey, it happens during a time where I should be all happy and excited- I'm on vacation until unil August 22nd and Monday I leave for my Royal Caribbean Cruise. I'm trying to make sense of why I have been feeling this way, but I am really having a hard time understanding it...

I think part of it has to do with just being at a stage in my life where I feel sort of lost, for lack of better words. Ok, honestly, I'm a bit scared... Frankly, right now I don't have a lot of things that make me happy right now and I'm worried that things are only going to continue to be this way... which isn't something I want. I want good changes and good things to happen for me, but I feel like that's not how it's going to be.

Yes, this vacation, you would think, would make me happy, but I know it's going to be short-lived, over in a blink, and I'll be back to the same old, same old. Frankly, I'm so SICK of the same old, same old... :(. I'm SICK of nothing ever coming easy for me, I'm sick of having the usual disappointments, and I'm SO SICK of having that damn black cloud follow me around! Hmm, ok, so I guess I'm not past my pity party mood quite yet after all!

I know my life is, ultimately, in my hands and that it's up to me to make myself happy, but HOW? Obviously my career isn't exactly a real joy, but I can't just leave (though, ok, I have been tempted). Then there's the issue of my social life or should I say, non-existent social life... I mean, I do have a few friends in my life, but we are all in such different places in our lives. I think it would be SO nice to have someone to hang out with more and do things with...or even talk to when I feel like this. And with my small circle of friends that I have now, I just don't feel I can have this talk with them.... for reasons I don't quite understand myself.

I've heard the familiar suggestions, network for a new job, join a club or find some kind of interest to meet other people, but I don't think it's that simple. The obvious problem is that I just don't know what I'm interested in career or other wise and, not to mention, that doing anything new has always been really hard for me, especially on my own. I guess that's what happens when you grow up extremely introverted and shy...

I know, I know... I have had this discussion before, but as you can see, nothing has changed or, should I say, I haven't done anything to change things. I'm not making excuses, but I guess I'm running into the problem of knowing where or how to start. I'm really baffled, confused, and a little afraid to shake things up. But at the same time, I think it's apparent that something needs to be done, I feel like my life is passing me by and I'm not making the most of it by any means, which is sad and depressing.

So, yes, the cruise will be nice and all (at least I'm hoping), but knowing that when I come back I have to come back to reality isn't something I'm really looking forward to. And I know it really shouldn't be that way... It's unfortunate.

I'm really going to try and leave these negative feelings behind when I leave for the cruise on Monday, b/c I don't want to ruin anyone else's time or, even, my own. But I'm sure they'll still be here when I return. But, maybe, and what I'm hoping, is that, maybe, I'll feel refreshed and more ready to face things and make small changes when I get back... Maybe taking some time away will give me time to relax and come back ready and willing to try. My instincts, (yes, I'm a pessimist) say that, no, things aren't going to change, but I really want to believe things will... and I would like to believe that there is always hope... so here's hoping!

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I was quite busy over the weekend. Friday was a lot of running around. I ended up having to go into work in the morning and then I cut out a bit early, drove down to White Plains to meet my sisters, and headed down to Jones beach for the Counting Crows and Goo Goo Dolls concert.

As always, the CC put on a good show... Adam sounded great. His voice sounded really clear and crisp- better than he's sounded in the past. Plus, the songs they perfomed were interesting picks. They did a lot from "Recovering the Satellites"... which is a favorite of mine. But, what was good, was that they did different arrangements of the songs, which is something he tends to do a lot in live concerts. He's really so talented and creative- just blows my mind.

Out of the more well known songs they performed: "A long December", "Mr. Jones", and "Hanging Around"... But probably my favorite song that night was "Goodnight Elizabeth"... The way he sung it was just awesome :),

My only complaint about their set was that Adam did a little too much talking and not enough singing, especially since they were only on stage for about an hour. Also, one song they played is usually 8 minutes, but then he decided to break into a personal story about love and hollywood in the middle of it. Since their set was so short, I think it would have been better if he had chosen shorter songs and cut back on the stories a bit... but, overall, it was still great.

As for the Goo Goo Dolls, well, I was pleasantly surprised. After the opening band, the stage changed... the screens came on, the lights came up, and out came Johnny and the band. I thought they did a REALLY good job- I was very impressed. And what was good was that they didn't just do their new stuff. They did the songs that everyone knows and loves... "Slide", "Name", "Black Balloon", and "Iris".

I think my favorite of all the ones they played was "Iris". It was really cool- at one part, he turned the microphone out towards us, the audience, and we sang along with them. Like I said, they surpassed my expectations and it doesn't hurt that Johnny is great to look at too... (Adam, on the other hand, put on some weight, but, hey, I still love him!).

Only downside is that there is another guy who sings in the group who isn't nearly as good as Johnny and he sang a couple of songs. I felt kind of bad, b/c whenever he took the mic, the audience died down or people opted to take their bathroom breaks. Oh well...

One other thing.... the concert was packed! I think every seat was taken. I didn't realize that there were so many CC and GGD fans out there, but it makes sense. They are both excellent groups.

My sister snapped a couple of pictures from the show.... the first one is of me and my friend, Jen. She and her brother were there, also, to see the concert, though they are both more of GGD fans than CC fans, like my sisters and me are.

The second is of Jen, my sisters, and myself. As you can see it was a beautiful night and great one for a concert on the beach!

This really seems to be the summer of concerts for me. And, surprisingly, for my birthday, my sisters gave me Shakira concert tickets... to that will be another one to look forward to. YAY :)

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Don't you hate when you write this whole blog entry and you hit a button accidentally and it disappears- argh, how frustrating! :o( Of course that happened to me two nights ago... I was almost tempted to stay up pretty late and retype it, but the more sensible side of me kicked in and told me to save it for another night. So here I am... trying to recall what I posted and redo that entry. Without a doubt, it's a pretty random post- but then that could be said of all my posts, I guess...

My birthday was actually yesterday... it turned out to be a pretty chill day, despite being the hottest day of the year. Seems like these birthdays just come around faster and faster as you get older... which isn't exactly a good thing. In some ways, I must admit, that I get a little depressed around my birthday. But, saying that, I actually dealt with this one relatively well... though I hate to think that I'm not 28 anymore. I'd be perfectly content if at age 28, my age didn't budge. It's too bad that that's not the way it works. :(

I ended up having to work all day and our A/C at work pretty much stinks... Sometimes you walk in and you freeze you ass off and then later on in the day (when it really gets hot), it turns off and it becomes stifling hot. It reached 86 degrees INSIDE... I don't know how, but we all survived.

Then after work, my sister came up to visit for a little bit, which was nice. I only spent about 30 minutes or so with her at the mall... which was very short and sweet, but it was nice to be able to see someone from my family for my birthday.

I then proceeded to the gym for a shortened workout, rushed home to rinse off and change, and then met up with my friend, K., for dinner. We went to this place in my city that's very chill. Yesterday, however, it was bustling with activity...which is unusual for a Wednesday night. But it's a pretty popular place- it's reasonable, casual, and the food is pretty good. The only downer, is that it's a bit noisy in there, so we had to almost shout across the table to each other. We managed...despite the noise and ended up having a good dinner.

K. drove me home, we hung out for a bit, and then she left. At this point, it was relatively late, and I was tired, but I just got a new computer :) so I wanted to get online and surf around a bit... I have to say, I'm loving my new 'puter :)

All in all it was a good day, and I'm hoping to celebrate a bit more over the weekend, so my b-day celebration hasn't fully concluded yet. I know the family is planning on taking me out for dinner or lunch at some point. Hopefully, things will go smoothly, but knowing my family, it gets a bit chaotic when we all get together.... Ahh, family. :s.


Next order of business... Diabetes

It seems like I have been having the same problems concerning my Diabetes for too long, and, truthfully, my patience is wearing thin.. Ok, it's already at that point... but I think it's pretty understandable.

The problems I've had with my evening/after dinner/nighttime readings have been ongoing for at least a year now. I think I've just about tried everything. I've done the basal tests- in fact, I've done basal ,after basal test, after basal test- ok you get the picture. And to go through all the annoyance, inconvenience, and aggravation AND not get anywhere just frustrates the HELL out of me. From there, I've tried temp basal rates, I've tried CGMS, I've tried DexCom, and I've tried Symlin... All without consistent results. I'm not sure what to do at this point. It's beyond sucky!

The only thing that I think might make a difference is changing Endo practices... Although I like my Endo, Dr. P, I just don't think that I'm getting the treatment and advice I need. And my Diabetes is too important to let things slip.

I'm considering switching to B., the CDE/nurse practitioner/dietician, who helped set me up with CGMS and DexCom (being that my practice doesn't use those things). I found she was very easy to talk to and it seems like she does know what she is talking about~ plus, she's been diabetic for over 40 years! Well, my CDE, where I currently go, has been diabetic for a while too... which I think is a positive thing. I think it's nice to get advice from professionals who really can relate to you.

I'm not definitely sure about this switch, but I think it's worth consideration. But, there are drawbacks, of course... For one, it's a small practice, which could mean problems with availability and getting touch with B. and Dr. R (who's the Endo in the practice). Speaking of Dr. R, I've only met him briefly, which also could be another drawback. I don't know that much about him, which makes me a little bit uneasy, but my first impression is that he seems nice enough. Also, having to go through the process of getting to know them (& them me) is a bit of a pain. Lastly, and, probably, most important, there's no guarantee that they can help or improve things. But saying that, I'll never know unless I try.

Funny thing is, I just got a call today reminding me of an appointment with my current Endo., Dr. P, next Thursday. I completely forgot, but I think that this appointment is an important one. My plan is to tell him exactly how I feel and to even mention that I'm considering switching practices. I feel that I owe it to him, and myself, to be completely honest. How can he know how I feel and address these things if I don't tell him the truth. I'm curious to hear his reaction... guess we'll see.


Finally, last thing on the agenda...

For those of you who have been reading my blog, you are probably aware of the fact that I have some issues (hey, who doesn't? ). So I've been considering doing something about it lately and I wanted to share that with you all. Among the things I'm considering are: joining a Diabetes Support group, seeing a therapist, or possibly starting on medication.

I think, ultimately, the thing that would help me most would be a support group. Over the last 4 years(when I was first dx'ed), I've been doing pretty much all my venting to my Mom about this disease. I guess I didn't really realize it, but it is taking a toll on her. It's putting unnecessary stress on her & it's just not fair. Plus, every time it comes up in conversation, it turns into a nasty argument... usually b/c I feel that she is not listening, she doesn't understand, or she isn't making an effort to learn anything about what I deal with on a daily basis. The later on, I kick myself for being such a witch to her. Ultimately, she has very little control over my blood sugar. It's surely not her fault I have this disease, but, I think, sometimes I act like it is.

So I think finding a group where I can share what's on my mind would really be helpful to me. I'd know that others there would understand and it could possibly help me learn more about my illness, etc.

Time for the downside... the only support group around here doesn't meet on a regular basis, and that's a big problem. It meets something like the 3rd Wednesday of the month. Ok, that doesn't seem too difficult BUT then there's months at a time where it doesn't meet at all. Seeing that I'm not the most together person, I doubt that these meetings would be easy for me to attend. Plus, I feel like I would need more meetings than what they offer for me to get something out of them. Too bad :(...

Therapy might be ok. I actually do believe that therapy could benefit most people in some way. Having someone who's neutral to listen and provide feedback could really help me, I think. Sometimes I feel I could use constructive criticism, as hard as it is to take and as bad as I am dealing with it, to wake me up and get my attention. Having it come from someone who's not personally connected to me, I think, would make it easier for me to take & possibly could open my eyes to see things in a different way.

Drawback- $$$. Just don't have a lot to spend on it at this time... And as we all know, therapy could be very costly... so, again, this poses a problem.

My last consideration, as I have mentioned above, is medication. I tend to be a very anxious person. And I know a lot of it is unnecessary stress and anxiety I put on myself. It's easy for someone to say, "well, just calm down and stop stressing", but really it's not that easy.

When you have been this way for the majority of your life, it's not easy to just change. Lets face it, people just don't change that easily. I know medication is not an easy fix, but if there's some kind of medication out there that could help me relax a bit, then why not try it?

But, yet again, I just don't have the $$$... which is unfortunate. Also... I have been on medication before (and a lot of them) without much success, so this also makes me a little resistant to going down that road again. But I'm thinking that there could be new things available, since it's been some time, or other options I haven't explored.

If I had the money, I probably would go ahead with therapy and meds, but I know it's not possible right now. It really is too bad, b/c now that I'm more open to these things, I'm limited financially from trying things that could possibly help me and, even, change my life for the better. Oh well..

That sums most everything up... I know this post is probably long (and boring) , but I wanted to update and fill you all in on what's been going on. Hope you will feel free to jump in with comments/advice/etc. You know how much I enjoy and appreciate your feedback.


Oh, you know what? I can end this on a positive note afterall. Tomorrow, I'm going to a Counting Crows/ Goo Goo Dolls concert. I'm so excited! The CC are always awesome, so I know I won't be disappointed.

Seeing that it's 1:45 am, I am going to go hit the hay... g' night, y'all :)