Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I'm freaking out here :( :( :(. My blood sugar is horrible- has been for the last three days- and it has put me in full-blown PANIC mode! It's not pretty.

I know, I know, panicking isn't going to help bring my blood sugar down, but there are times (like these) where I cant help it. I'm frustrated, stressed, and exhausted with having to manage this disease.

The problem I'm having is actually getting my blood sugar stable. The last three days, my blood sugars have been averaging in the 200 range... WTF?!!! Yesterday, I didn't have one reading below 200! Let me just reiterate- WTF!!!

What gets me even more is that I see NO reason for all this... I've been testing, I've been eating pretty much the same as usual, exercising, and I feel ok, so what's going on? I mean, shouldn't things be a bit smoother if you are dotting all your i's and crossing your t's?

I guess not.

Yes, I know that sometimes we could be doing everything we think is right and things could still be off, I know that's the nature of the disease. But I often find myself still agonizing over why I'm getting the results I'm getting. I know it's probably a huge waste of time and energy, but I just can't help it.

I know, lately, I haven't been the model of Diabetes compliance. I've slipped up some here and there. But, as a whole, I do try to do the best I can with taking care of myself and controlling this disease. That's why it really gets to me when I think I'm doing what I should and still not getting the outcomes I expect.

Sometimes I think there may be a different underlying problem going on that is causing me to have this difficulty... and I am planning to talk to my doctor about running some labs, once I have insurance (I'm still on probation at my new job). But I know in the past everything has checked out (aside from my faulty pancreas). And what then? Just keep guessing at what's going to make things level out? I hate this trial and error bull shit...

It just doesn't seem right or fair. And it's probably not. I mean, if I had to get Diabetes, fine, but why is it that I have to struggle with it so much? Why is it that it has to be so hard for me ,on so many levels, to deal with it? I guess I should have expected as much... I mean, nothing has come easy for me in life, so why should Diabetes be anything different. It just plain sucks.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I'm not happy with how I've been managing my Diabetes lately... Although, I have the best intentions of staying in control, things have kind of slipped up recently and, more often than not, I'm running high.... which, if you know me, is something that I hate. Personally, highs makes me feel out of control and, if there's something I hate more than highs, it's feeling out of control.

I know that it's my own fault... at least mostly my faulr. So I'm trying to take responsibility for things. I haven't been taking as good of care of myself lately- and I don't think I have any excuse for it. I feel like it's probably due to just plain, old laziness. And that's pretty pathetic.

There are times where I wonder about my stance with this disease and whether I'm actually in denial. Most of the time, my first instinct is to say NO, there's no way I'm in denial. I watch what I eat, I workout, I test, and I take my insulin.

However, I've been thinking about this more carefully and now I'm not so sure. I mean, I don't think I have ever intentionally skipped an injection, but there are other things that make me question how much I accept my disease. Namely, my testing and eating habits.

As far as testing goes, there have been times where I just skip it without rhyme or reason and I can't quite wrap my head around that. ??? Yesterday was a prime example of this. I think I tested (maybe) twice the whole day... which is sub-par. I usually test at least twice this amount... And even that is considered the minimum amount for which T1s should monitor their blood sugar.

Anyway, then when I got home and tested my blood sugar- it probably was about 9 pm, I was shocked to see that it was close to 300. Well, what did I expect? But still, my initial reaction to that reading was disbelief, however. I kept thinking, how could I be that high?

Of course now I realize that I probably was high throughout the day and had no idea, b/c of my lack of testing. Starting out high, without any correction doses, it probably would just have continued to rise with whatever food I ingested. The insulin I was taking may have been enough to cover the meal/food, but without taking the extra correction units, I wasn't able to keep normal ranges... at least this is my theory. I know I'll never really know the whole story.

But the thing that I wonder about even more are the reasons behind why I didn't test. Somehow I think it's probably based on something on a subconscious level... I know it's not a matter of the actual testing, because while, no, it's not exactly enjoyable, I really don't mind testing. It only takes a second or two & it give important insight on whether something needs to be adjusted or not. Sounds logical, right? Well, then what stopped me from testing?

The only thing I can come up with is not wanting to face up with the results of the test. As I've said, things haven't been easy managing my Diabetes lately. I have been running higher than I would like, and when I see that kind of result test after test, it bothers me. It makes me feel like I'm failing or like I'm letting things spiral out of control. That, admittedly, scares the hell out of me.

My Ex- Endocrinologist used to tell me that I can't look at a blood sugar reading as a passing or failing grade. However, I have a problem not doing that. And that's why I get so emotional, stressed out, and panicked when I see these types of numbers multiple times. Obviously, not testing isn't going to make getting back in control easier, I know it's something I need to do and face up to whether I like the results of not, but sometimes it is HARD to face reality.

So I guess that's one check mark in the "living in denial" side of the board. The other issue I have is my eating habits. Let's just say, again, I think I like to forget about my Diabetes or pretend like it's easier to manage than it actually is. I think, at times, I want to eat like I don't have this disease and that's just not working out for me.

Honestly, over Thanksgiving, I wasn't trying to keep to a strict diet. I think we all should celebrate and enjoy the holidays (and everything that they bring... i.e. FOOD :) ). But, I didn't go crazy either.

I woke up Thanksgiving morning, came down stairs and started picking at this and that... not eating a whole lot, but it definitely adds up. Of course, again, I didn't test until it was late morning and by the time I did, my blood sugar was in the high 200s, to my dismay.

Now, I find that whenever I start out high in the morning, I have a heck of a time bringing my blood sugar down to normal... especially so on a holiday. But, saying that, I really didn't eat much that morning or even at lunch. I think my lunch consisted of mainly protein- which I didn't think would impact my blood sugar too much . However, as I continued to test throughout the day, I was still running high.

We were having the bigger meal in the late afternoon, our Turkey dinner, so I thought that things might normalize by then, but again, i was wrong. I continued to stay in the 200 range throughout the rest of the night. And when dessert time came, I did help myself to small slivers of the baked pie and homemade treats that were laid out. I certainly didn't overeat by any mean, but with how my sugars were running that day, dessert didn't help matters.

That's just a typical example of how erratic my eating habits can be. But there are other occasions as well where I make wrong judgements when it comes to food. One such time is when I'll go out to one of my favorite grocery stores.

This place is particularly known to put out a lot of samples... and, though I'm embarrassed to say this, I'll find myself shopping there sometimes just so that I can treat myself to some of these things. In the bakery section, one of my favorites, they'll put out chocolate chip cookies, muffins, pies, apple crisps, to just name a few. On top of that they'll have other samples out, as well, throughout the store. In the past they've put out cheeses, different types of meats, sometimes a hot item sample. Really, you could probably make a lunch just from the samples they put out.

Anyway, I'll often go in for these samples, thinking that it's ok to treat myself to these things... perhaps trying to convince myself that they won't really affect me, when, of course, they do. Then later on, when I test my blood sugar, I'm bewildered by the results when they read higher than I think or expect. Well, DUH!

And it's not only that, but I also catch myself buying things which I know I probably should avoid, like chocolate, or brownie mixes, or some type of sweets. I have always had a sweet tooth, but I can't keep accommodating it with crap. Add anothing check mark to "living in denial"

I guess the fact of the matter is that I need to get my act together. As much as I'd like to believe that I'm in control, I think the proof is in the pudding. Logically, I know I need to take care of myself- testing and eating wise-but it's just putting the plan into action that's the hard part. I really don't want to end up down the line regretting and kicking myself for neglecting my health. Usually, when you get to that point, it's too late... So it's time for me to snap out of it and accept this disease. I've got it and it's got me whether I like it or not.

Saturday, November 11, 2006


I realize that I'm a day or so late(story of my life), with my post, but I wanted to contribute something to mark this occasion...

Over the last 4 and a half years I've had my ups and downs with this disease- both literally and figuratively speaking. I've contributed my thoughts and opinions on other peoples' blogs, posted on message boards, and also written my own posts...

I haven't always agreed with everything that's been posted/written, nor would I expect everyone to agree with me, after all everyone has their own point of view. But, saying this, I do appreciate every one's view point, whether or not they differ from my own. Anyway, along the way, I've read many different things & there have been certain things that have struck me... I thought I would share a couple things with you.

One of these things was something I read on a message board I frequent often. A member there posted questioning why she got this illness. Truthfully, this post sounded like something I would write myself.

I often ask WHY did this have to happen to me? I've been known to remark how it's SO unfair that this is the fate I've been given. In fact, just recently I broke down about this, when I was having a lot of difficulty with my blood sugar.... I was so full of rage- angry and frustrated about my disease. That particular time, emotions did get the better of me. I felt out of control and helpless in my situation... which is a horrible way to feel .

Anyway, in my response to this member's post, I stated that no one ever said that this was going to be in general is hard and adding Diabetes into the mix just ups the ante! Speaking frankly, being diabetic isn't easy at all, I think most all of us have struggled with it at some point during our lives. But that said, I believe the sooner we realize that we can't just blow this thing off or resign this thing as being something simple, the better off we will be.

The fact is, managing our disease is something that takes a lot of work, effort, and discipline.... If we let anything slip just a little bit, it does take a toll on us on many different levels. No we're not perfect, but we've got to do the best we can or, ultimately, face the consequences.

However, after writing my response, I took a step back and realized that I don't always take my own advice... Yes, I think what I wrote makes sense logically and, yes, I wrote it in effort to help this other person, but actually paying heed to it is a totally different story.

For reasons beyond me, sometimes I'll ease up on paying attention to things I know I need to and sooner or latter I notice changes, and not for the better, with my control. It's something that I know I've got to be more conscious of...

I think it's easy to be going along living life, and kind of let things slip. And as for myself, I eventually become aware of my control spiralling outside of my grips and the dreadful panic sets in... which is usually more problematic than need be. Then, instead of stepping back and removing myself just a bit from the situation and coming up with a plan to regain control, I let the emotions and panic take over...

It would be so much more beneficial to maintain healthy habits each day, just common sense things (eating well, taking our insulin/meds as prescribed, exercise, sleeping, logging, and stay in touch with our doctors), I think we'd be all the better. I know it sounds simplistic, but I think sometimes we tend to let one or more of these things fall by the wayside and it does take a toll. Then we sit there and question why we are in the situations we are in. Anyway, this is something that I plan to work on...

The other thing that I wanted to share was about the photographs titled a Lifetime of Diabetes... I think Art-Sweet was the first to bring our attention to these pictures of children living each day with this chronic illness. It just so happens that someone also brought this up on a message board I am active on... To my surprise, it was met with a varied mix of reactions.

My own personal reaction was that I felt moved and touched by the collection of pictures. I felt a pang in my heart (if that makes sense) at seeing these young ones affected by this illness. And after reading other people's reactions to viewing this collection, the majority seemed to face the same way.

However, to my surprise, some had a completely different reaction. A few posters felt the pictures were not something that they would want Diabetes to be viewed as... It was said that these pictures paint these children as victims of this disease, that they are put in a negative light, when they should be seen as strong, fighters over this disease.

Honestly, I can understand this viewpoint, but I think, ultimately, Diabetes can put us all in a victim role- you don't need pictures to do that. It strikes a lot of us without rhyme or reason, and can lead to a lot of unfortunate complications. And the fact that those pictures show these children at different stances managing their disease is nothing more than just that... it's not an unrealistic portrayal of life as a child with diabetes. In contrast, if the pictures showed happy, smiling faces of the same children in the same situation and stance, I would question how real the depiction was of this disease. I also want to add that just b/c we are, in ways, victims of this disease, does not mean that we are not strong or that we are not fighters. Personally, I think having this disease has made me a stronger, more determined person as a result... and I would like to believe that I am a fighter.

I guess what I'm trying to say with this blog entry is that through the people of the Diabetic OC (and other Diabetes online sites, blogs, etc), I've learned so much. I've learned about other people living with this disease and their experiences. Having others share their thoughts and experiences has helped me deal with my own daily life with my own disease. Not to mention, that it's made me learn a lot about myself... I've been able to hear opinions, advice, views, and more and it's made me look and examine things differently than I would normally. And because of that, I think it's equipped me to better manage my disease and my life- I've been able to grow from being involved with this wonderful online community.

It goes without saying that I hate this disease... That's something I will never deny. But saying that, I feel lucky that because of this disease, I have this common bond with you all... It's something that has brought us- people from all different places, cultures, and sitations- together, which really is an awsome thing. I just want to acknowledge how grateful I am for that and, more importantly, add that it's something I would not trade for anything...

Saturday, November 04, 2006

WARNING: Emotional Basket Case on the LOOSE!

I've been an extreme wreck lately- to be more specific, I've been all of the following: moody, emotional, bitchy, irritable, and miserable (to just name a few). I don't like to blame it all on my Diabetes, but I feel that it has played a major role in my mood recently, and as I just stated, not for the better.

My blood sugar has been extremely erratic, unpredictable, and out of control... all of which are things I hate feeling- ok, I'm a bit of a control freak! Usually, I'll have a couple days like this and then somehow my blood sugar returns to normal, but every day this past week has been problematic. I've had numbers ranging in the 200s (on average) or higher (eek :o() and I've done everything I can think of to try and bring them down without much success. Saying I'm frustrated is an understatement, I become so overwhelmed with emotion that I start panicking and freaking out... It feels like I'm almost powerless in this situation.

To make matters worse, I just started my new job (more about that in another post) on Thursday and the stress of starting it probably isn't helping matters... I know that stress can often worsen one's control and I think it's safe to say that that may be the case for me, but I don't think that is solely to blame. I have a feeling that something else is going on, though I can't say what that is... And, yes, that drives me crazy!

I do have my inkling on what may be causing these problems... I have a feeling it's digestive related issues, but I HATE not knowing for sure what the culprit is. It's so aggravating that with this disease, the catalyst is not always clear. Instead we are faced with endless possibilities of what could cause problems with our control- food (the major one), insulin (of lack of -another obvious problem), stress, illness , emotions, hormones, absorption issues, etc, etc, etc... It's enough to drive anyone over the edge. I mean, it would make life so much easier if we knew what was causing our difficulties. But then that would be too easy **rolling eyes**

Anyway, when I start panicking, not only is my blood sugar already out of control, but I then have trouble controlling my emotions as well. And as a result, I become very upset...among a varied mix of emotions that often washes over me.... More than anything, I become enraged by the situation I am dealing with. It's almost one of those "why me" scenarios... And the more I obsess about it, the more upset I become.

As I've written before in other posts, my poor Mom takes on a lot of my frustration and anger... which is totally uncalled for and unfair. But somehow, I end up venting to her about everything. I know she doesn't know what to say or how to exactly help me, but when she tries to ask me about it or offer any piece of advice, I shoot her down mercilessly or snap at her that she doesn't know what she is talking about. I go on and on about how nobody cares and poor me... It's honestly not pretty and very pathetic.

I know what I say to her is not true... I know she cares and that she feels for me and my situation, but when I am in that frame of mind, I just can't think about anything except for myself and the problems I'm having. I become very self-absorbed and selfish, and I do know this. Later, when I am able to contain myself, I look back and feel awful for how I treat her. I feel like a horrible daughter, which I know I can be at times. But yet, she is always still there for me, which I know I don't deserve.

Obviously, I think things need to change. Ideally, I'd like to find out what it is that is causing my problems with control, because I think that would lead me to being able to control my moods better, but also I need to find better ways to cope. I can't keep dealing with things the way I have been- it's just not working.

The fact of the matter is that Diabetes can be a very difficult disease to manage on a day to day basis and I am going to face days where controlling my disease isn't going to be easy. I can't keep on freaking out that way I have been. It doesn't solve my problems and most likely only makes things worse. But, frankly, I don't know how to change how I react...

I often wonder how other people deal with their problems with control when they are faced with on-going problems several days in a role. Does it get to you? Do you become upset? Or do you just take it in stride? For me, I don't think I'll ever just be able to remain calm and low-key about it, b/c seeing high number after high number scares the hell out of me & I do feel like I'm failing myself ultimately.