Surgery... hard to believe, but it's been over a week since my rhinoplasty. To be completely and utterly honest, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't disappointed with things... I'm not saying I'm disappointed with the results, b/c right now my nose is still pretty swollen and it's going to take some time to see the final result, but I'm talking about the whole process. I guess, in many ways, it just seems anti-climatic.

But, perhaps, that's not all that surprising. I mean, there's so much preparation, effort, and anticipation leading up to the day and then, all of a sudden, it's over, sort of like a holiday, vacation, or special occasion. Ultimately, the real problem is that I somehow can't get my brain around the fact that it's now a thing of the past, so to speak... In ways, it's kind of depressing, but, at the same time, a relief that it's over. Hmmm.... well, anyway, I do want to fill you all in on my experience ...

The days leading up to surgery, mainly Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, were extremely hectic, crazy days. I spent so much time running around and trying to prepare myself and my apartment (in particular: groceries, cleaning, entertainment, etc) that each night, I didn't get home until 8:30 or later... And each of those nights, I'd basically collapse into bed. Wednesday was probably the craziest of days. I had to work, unfortunately, and then after work I went running around trying to get last minute odds and ends done.

I stopped for groceries, went to the gym (seeing that I wouldn't be going for at least 2 weeks-yikes!), and stopped at blockbuster to pick up some videos and magazines for entertainment for when I returned home. Then, when I got in that night, I had to clean my apartment, pack my stuff, take a shower, and gather everything I needed, to bring to my parents...(as I stayed with them from Wed night-Sunday).

I ended up driving at 9:45 pm to my parents house in NY. When I arrived, at about 10:30 pm, I have to admit, my nerves and emotions had got the better of me. I sort of lost it, but I think everyone could see through my tearful and irritable response and understood that I was just anxious over the impending procedure the next day. I finally did manage to settle down, had a bowl of cereal, and went online, which did relax me a little more. And soon I was feeling better. At around midnight, I decided that it was in my best interest to get some sleep, so I turned in.

Honestly, I didn't think I would get much sleep (due to nerves), but morning of surgery came pretty quickly as it turns out. Funny thing is, I wasn't that nervous. Ok, maybe a little bit, but, knowing myself, I know I could have been stressing out much worse over the whole thing.

I think it helped that I knew that the surgery was relatively minor and wasn't some long, time -consuming ordeal. I knew I'd be ok. However, saying that, things started off a little more complicated than I would have liked.

Main complication was my Diabetes. I actually was hoping to keep my blood sugar in the higher 100s to low 200s range prior to and during the surgery. It's actully something doctors usually advise you to do. With any surgical procedure, it's better to be a little on the high side than chance falling low once into surgery.

Well, of all days to have low blood sugar, Thursday, of course, had to start off that way. I woke up at 7, tested, and was pretty alarmed to find out that my blood sugar was only 41! I had to treat it somehow, so I had 1 hard candy ( I know, not much) and suspended my pump. I knew eventually that my blood sugar would start to creep up seeing that no insulin was being delivered... and it did, kind of slowly, but it did.

My mom drove me to the office... and walked me in. She was actually a lot more nervous about this than I was... but aren't Moms always more worried and nervous??? Anyway, almost as soon as we walked into the office, she immediately blurted out that I had woken up low... Obviously, it was important for them to know this, but I don't think I fully expected my Mom to announce this the way she did.

However, Dr. C, who was my surgeon, was very inquisitive and interested in this fact. It was good to see that he was concerned. He assured her that they wouldn't start anything until I was in a more normal range. The nurse took me back to the recovery area where I was to get ready and wait for things to commence.

But, backing up a bit, before surgery was set to start, I gave both the surgeon, Dr. C, and the anesthesiologist a lesson in Diabetes 101... mainly showing them how to use my insulin pump and glucose meter. I explained and demonstrated how to suspend/unsuspend, deliver a bolus, and also showed them some of the other pump features. Then, I also instructed them on how to take a blood sugar reading. All this is pretty simple, (I mean, they had gone through Med school) so I was confident that they wouldn't have any trouble with any of it.

As I was changing into the flimsy surgical gown, I met the anesthesiologist. Dr. S. actually sort of walked in on me while I was changing, though I don't think he meant to. I'm not sure how to describe him other than to say he's extremely friendly and a little on the flamboyant side, if you know what I mean.

It was actually pretty refreshing to have someone like him there. I guess when I think of doctors, there is this image of a straight-laced, proper, and serious medical professional. I'm not saying those are bad things, but to see someone with his personality was nice and helped put me at ease.

They continued setting up and while doing so, Dr. S called out from the operating room to me. He announced that, he had to be honest, the shot hurts. I was like, "Ummm, what shot?" I actually thought for a minute that there was something that they forgot to tell me. And he's like, "the IV".

Well, I have had IVs before, but never like I had on that day. They inserted the IV right into my hand (on the top) and, yes, it did in fact hurt. It was extremely uncomfortable and I had the urge to pull it out, but I knew that I would have to grit my teeth and bear it....which I did.

As a final step before they initiated surgery, I tested again and, this time, came up 80, which was just enough to move ahead as scheduled. From there, some of what I remember is somewhat blurred, but I will share what I do remember.

One thing I recall is Dr. S continuing to make chit chat with me over various things. He asked me if this was my first surgery (which it was) and then remarked on how brave I am, he asked me about my Diabetes, and the last thing I remember him discussing with me (and the nurse) was the TV show, "Nip/Tuck".... I know, kind of random stuff, but it did kind of take my mind off the fact that I was having surgery in just minutes. Yes, I'm sure I was a lot more relaxed than if I was just waiting for it to happen. Finally, he announced that he was giving me "my appetizer". Well, whatever that stuff was, wasn't just an appetizer. I was out.

The next thing I knew, I was coming to in recovery and surgery was over. To be honest, I didn't feel bad- the only bad thing was that I couldn't breathe whatsoever through my nose. But I had been warned. Dr. S had said that it would feel like "the worst cold EVER" and that wasn't an exaggeration- probably more like an understatement. It was awful...

However, despite the discomfort, I have to say I was a good patient. I wouldn't even remark on this, but I am because this is something extremely out of the ordinary. I am, usually, one of the worst patients out there. Seriously, I have absolutely NO patience. But, surprisingly, I did that day. I stayed put and still, for the most part. I didn't complain. And I did what I was told. Hmmm, maybe it was the drugs- lol. :)

Time passed and I soon came to realize that I needed the bathroom... Just as I came to that realization, the nurse came out and asked me if I needed just that. Well, while I was in there doing my business, I did catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror... which was kind of a scary sight :(.

Of course my nose was all bandaged up, but then I had two black eyes.... I basically looked like I had just gotten into a pretty bad brawl with someone and was beat up. And then the bruises... I didn't expect what I saw exactly. I mean, I knew I would be bruised, but I sort of thought that the bruises would develop slowly and not be there right away. Turns out, I was wrong.

Soon enough, I was being ushered back out to the recovery room and back to my bed. I stayed there for awhile, lying with ice-packs covering my eyes, over my bruises. The nurses were extremely friendly, nice, and attentive. They stayed on top of taking my blood sugar readings, which was definitely a good thing to see.

After I ate an English muffin with light jelly, my numbers did start to climb. Soon I was taking correction doses to bring it down. Unfortunately, those boluses didn't seem to help. I think three readings in a row were all in the 200s and each higher than the previous. But I think the stress from surgery, among other things, wasn't helping.

Finally, they told me that my Dad was there to pick me up. At this point, I had enough of lying there with my face covered in icepacks. I was ready to leave. By the time we left the office, it was already 3:30 pm... a lot later than I had expected to leave.

We had to make a few stops on the way home. We walked in at about 5 pm. I ended up lounging on the couch and dozing a bit the rest of the day. I wasn't in any pain, but the natural instinct is to breathe through your nose and not being able to do that was a bit uncomfortable and frustrating. I don't know how, but somehow I got through it...

So that, more or less, was the big day. There are some other things that went on during the stay at my parents up to the present, and a lot more that I would like to talk about, but I will spare you for right now, lol. But stay tuned... because, if you tune in next time, you'll get to hear about Friday, where I had a little conflict with my baby sis, and you'll also hear about the day the cast came off... which should make for some interesting reading, at least I hope!

This kind of thing inspires me...

Bush Jogs With Wounded Soldier

By JENNIFER LOVEN, AP

WASHINGTON (June 28) - President Bush took a jog Tuesday with a soldier who lost part of both legs in Iraq, following through on a bedside promise even the president had doubts about at the time.

	'An Amazing Sight'

Despite a slight drizzle, Bush and Staff Sgt. Christian Bagge took a slow jog around a spongy track that circles the White House's South Lawn. About halfway through their approximately half-mile run, Bush and Bagge paused briefly for reporters.

"He ran the president into the ground, I might add," Bush said, as the two gripped hands in an emotional, lengthy shake. "But I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your strength, proud of your character."

The president met the soldier on a New Year's Day visit to Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antonio, where Bagge had been recuperating from his injuries for months. Bagge, now 23 and a native of Eugene, Ore., was in a convoy hit by roadside bombs a year ago in the remote Iraq desert south of Kirkuk.

Bagge's left leg was amputated just above the ankle, and his right leg ends just above the knee.

He told Bush during their January visit that he wanted to run with him. Bush was an avid runner who had mostly traded the activity for mountain biking in the last couple of years because of knee problems.

"I looked at him, like, you know, there's an optimistic person," Bush said. "It's an amazing sight for me to be running with a guy who, last time I saw him, was in bed wondering whether or not - I was wondering whether or not he'd ever get out of bed."

But, the president added, in tribute to the hard work Bagge did to realize this goal, "There was no doubt in his mind that he would."

"It's a privilege," commented Bagge, who had changed in the Oval Office into a special set of prosthetic legs that he uses to jog.

And then the pair took off for the remainder of their run.

06/28/06 00:44 EDT

I'm no Bush proponent by any means. No, actually, I believe he's the main reason our troops are over in the Middle East involved in war. But, saying that, I was moved by this article.

Here is this soldier with some pretty severe injuries (loss of his legs, no less) showing so much courage and determination to overcome his injuries. Then, not only does he have to deal with his physical wounds, but he also has to deal with the mental side of what he's been through. I know, for me, it makes me realize and appreciate what I have and that, even on my worse days, things are not so bad for me. Just wanted to share this article.


~~~As a side note (and to answer some questions) I did have my surgery on Thursday...and am still in recovery mode. But I am planning on posting about my experience soon, for those interested :) ~~~

MEME is the name of the game :)...

There are a couple of really good MEMEs out there... so to take a break from my daily whining, bitching, complaining, etc.. I thought I would dedicate this post to participating in a few... hey, and if it gives me another chance to focus on myself, why not?! :) (who doesn't like that? lol)

The first one was started by Megan...

I Am" Meme

From Megan:

All you have to do is list 30 "I am" statements about yourself. I tag anyone who wants to. It's hard, but doable.
I am:
1. shy

2. emotional/ emotionally needy (according to some)
3. conflicted
4. self-consious
5. sweet (when I want to be)
6. a bitch (when I want to be)
7. sensitive
8. curious
9. a middle child... **rolleyes**
10. spacy
11. a want-to-be rock star- lol :)
12. different
13. brown haired and hazel eyed
14. a want-to-be dancer :)
15. not as brave, as I would like to be
16. not as meek, as some would like to think
17. a little bit obsessive-compulsive
18. a little bit on the chubby side (IMO :( )
19. considered somewhat disorganized and sloppy
20. moody
21. very attached to my family
22. jealous, at times
23. a want to be, artist/writer :)
24. sensitive
25. trying to be a good person
26. complicated
27. a chaotic mess (for those who get the reference)
28. a good friend and listener
29. tactful
30. diabetic

Ok, that wasn't as hard as I thought... you just need to get on a roll and then it's quite do-able ;)

The other one comes from Kassie's blog, Noncompliant... also a good one. So, again, I'm jumping in with my own take on her meme, titled:

Anniversary Meme.. and here are Kassie's instructions : If you are reading this, you are tagged!. It's my meme, I can do that, right? Do what you want with it, as long as the number of items matches the number of years with diabetes

Mine's going to be short and sweet... well, short , anyway, :), seeing that I've been diabetic only 4 years. But, anyway, here goes (again)!

1. Diagnosed with a chronic illness that has forever changed my life and made me realize how important being healthy is, something I had beforehand taken for granted.

2. Moved out on my own and established some independence...which was a bit of a scary, but much needed, thing for me.

3. Had a few different jobs, as a pharmacy clerk, a bank teller, and (now) a medical biller - none of which have really been satisfying or fufilling- still on a journey trying to find myself.

4. Currently, on a quest to better myself on every level.... physicaly, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etc, etc, etc, in effort to lead a more balanced, healthier, AND happier life.

I really could go on and on (AND ON) here, but I know I got to follow the rules, so I'm trying to play fair. Hope some others jump in with their answers to these great MEMES as well :)

I wanted to share my sister's response to the email I sent her last night regarding my surgery. No, I was not surprised at all by her reaction, she reacted EXACTLY how I expected. BUT it is still hurtful and it bothers me immensely to read her response. Saying that, I thought I would post it anyway... maybe others can provide me with feedback or give me advice or criticism on whether I am handling this right, b/c I'm not sure I am. I'm trying, though, and doing my best not to let her negativity bring me down.

Before I get to what she emailed, I just want to note that what she wrote may sound mean...ok, it is pretty mean. But, truth be told, she really isn't a mean person at all. Despite how her reaction comes across, I feel, this is really coming from a good place. I think, in a way, this is her trying to protect me, I just think she goes about it in the wrong way. I do love my sister no matter what, but she can really be opinionated and manipulative when she wants to be and you'll see that in her response. But before I paste her response to my news, I will share what I wrote to both of my sisters...

Well, I have some news to share with you... and I'm afraid that you might not like it. In fact, I know that you won't like it and that it'll probably upset you, which is a big part of the reason why I haven't told you this earlier. Truthfully, I have been a little worried about your reaction... But, saying that, I know that I need to tell you this, so here goes...

I have decided to go ahead with the rhinoplasty surgery next Thursday. I know that neither of you are in favor of me moving forward with this, especially K, but this is my decision and I have to do what I feel is right for me. I feel like this could give me a big boost in self-esteem and confidence and that it can make a big difference for me.

I know how both of you feel about this. I know that K especially is adamant about me NOT doing this, but I can't live my life based on what she thinks is right or wrong. I have to make this decision for myself. It's my body and my life. And it's also my choice to make.

K, I know you will argue that it's not going to help me- that I really need therapy to work out my issues. And maybe that's true, but I don't see anything wrong with also doing this. I wouldn't do this, if I didn't think it was going to help. I strongly believe that it will. And, no, I'm not doing this b/c I'm shallow. I think that's definitely one thing I am not. I'm not shallow, but I do think feeling good about yourself is important. And self-image is a big part of that. Obviously, mine could use improvement.

I did break the news to both Mom and Dad. They don't agree with my choice, but they are still being supportive, despite their feelings about me doing this.

I hope I can also count on both of you for support. There's no doubt in my mind that it would make everything so much easier to know that you are behind me. I certainly hope for that, but even without your support, this is something I am doing. It's something you will have to accept and I feel being angry, upset, or aggravated by this is pointless. It won't change my decision and it just a waste of energy.

If I come away from this experience feeling better and more confident about myself, won't you be happy for me? Won't it be worth it then? Or will you still be negative and angry about it? I'm hoping for the former and not the latter. So please keep that in mind and try to understand my reasons for doing this and please be supportive.

And here's her oh-so-kind reply:

You are a fucking fool and i will not talk to you again, and u can take my word for it. and u can forget about any plans for concerts or anything else. I am so against this, u have no idea. I am just so disappointed and disguisted that you would be confused and stupid enough to even seriously consider this. when u hadn't mentioned it in awhile i thought it was because you came to your senses. when i was at the concert with u and was sitting close to u, i was thinking to myself how beautiful you looked, and i remember this whole thing and was so glad that i thought u dropped it. If u go ahead with this, it will ruin our relationship cause i can't be close to someone so shallow who believes that this will change their self image. i'd be so embarassed by u and so ashamed that you would even think that your nose is going to change ur self esteem. r u really that dumb? you want to change the beautiful face god gave u. i would switch faces with you in a minute. U need a lot of help. i dont want to talk to you or hear from you, and i definitely am not going to go on the cruise if you do this. i dont care about losing the money. i'm glad you have the money to waste on this, and besides that, u are ruining yourself. they say everyone's their own worst enemy, and you certaintly prove that point. While you are in surgery, you might as well see if they can give you a brain transplant, or wait, maybe they should do that first, and give u a working brain with some sense.

Honestly, it does bother me to read her response. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it does. I mean, she is my sister and, as much as I sometimes am reluctant to say it, I do value her opinion and want her to be supportive of me. What probably hurts me the most is that she would let something like this ruin our relationship...but that's of her own choosing. I am not choosing that at all- I want us still to be as close as we are (or were). It's up to her if she wants to keep that or let this drive a wedge between us. All I know is that I have always been supportive of her and it saddens me that she cannot back me the same way.

I did respond to her email. Actually, i should say emails. Yes, she sent 3, and all of them just as angry and nasty, unfortunately. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did feel Ithe need to express my disappointment to what she wrote. Admittedly, I was hurt and angry by her response, so this one is a little more heated, but I think I still kept my composure (for the most part).

Well, I guess I should have expected this reaction from you- you are completely immature and overreacting as usual. I don't see how it should affect YOU. It's my life and my body- NOT YOURS. I'm not doing this for you I'm doing it for me. And if you think you can manipulate me with these threats to break off all contact with me- then I'm sorry, but you are not going to be successful. Just because you don't agree with something, that should mean that I can't do it. NO! That's complete bullshit.

If you wanted to do something like this, even if I was completely against it, I would still support you. But I guess that's the difference between me and you. You have a lot of growing up to do. Insulting me and name calling are just key examples of how immature and childish you are being-how can you be going in to psychology, when the way you are acting is showing that you need help yourself!

Everyone I have talked to about it has been encouraging - they don't see anything wrong with it, and when I tell them how you react, they think you are being completely manipulative and idiotic. But again, no surprise there!

Everyone else has chosen to support me, EXCEPT YOU. That should tell you something. And if you don't want to go to the concerts or cruise, that's your decision, but then it's your job to find a replacement, not mine.

But this is happening...and if you choose to be angry about that's your choice, and if you choose to not talk to me anymore, again, that's your choice, but it's pointless, IMMATURE, and stupid. That would be really sad if you let something as insignificant as this come between us, but that's up to you. It's truly pointless, b/c it's NOT going to change ANYTHING.

And that's where things stand at this point. My older sister hasn't responded yet to my announcement. However, I'm not nearly as worried about how she will respond as with K. K has a fiery temper and isn't shy about letting her feelings be known in our family, as her email shows.

I don't know what to do at this point. I wish I could say or do something that would make her understand, but I know there's really not much I can do to change her mind. Once she has an opinion, it's like set in stone, and nothing can change it. I'm just hoping that once it's over and done with, she'll come around. Like I have said, I don't see the point in staying angry after the fact. At that point, there will be nothing she can do about it, she'll have to come to terms, like it or not.

Again, I welcome any and ALL feedback... I would really love to know if anyone has any other ideas of what I could do or say to her. I could use all the help I could get!

For those who don't know, I have my surgery scheduled for a week from this Thursday. Honestly, it hasn't completely sunk in yet... And to be completely blunt, I am nervous, alright scared :(, but I'm sure that's natural, right? I mean it is surgery and there are risks involved, as with anything- but, I am still fairly confident that my surgeon will do a good job and that I will be okay.

I actually just broke the news to my Dad on Sunday. I was keeping it from him, because I didn't know how he was going to react. Well, I take that back. I knew that he wouldn't be for it, quite the opposite, I knew that he would very well be against it. But despite that, I knew that I had to tell him.

Getting myself to say the words was extremely difficult- for some reason, I had a lot of trouble forming the words and getting them past my lips. However, my Mom kind of jumped into the rescue. She said "Andrea has something to tell you"... and somehow it turned into a guessing game, where he was trying to guess my news. As a joke, my Mom said that "Andrea wants implants (meaning breast implants)"... and then he picked up on that and made the connection ,and the correct guess, to plastic surgery. So I told him.

To my surprise he took the news really well. I don't even think he was that surprised. He did tell me that he thinks it's unnecessary and that he doesn't agree with my decision, but that he will still support me regardless. Can I just say what a relief that is to know?! I kind of expected him to be angry at me for going forward with this, but he wasn't. Which, of course, makes me feel SO much better to know that my parents will be there for me and backing me as I go through this all.

Of course, there's a BIG but... (ok, 2 buts)

And that but is that I haven't really shared my news with my sisters. Ok, I did run things by them when I was still in the contemplation stage, but they don't know that things are more concrete now, rather, that this is definitely happening. And, yes, I'm a little concerned... not really about my older sister, b/c I think she'll be ok with it (though not for it really either), but that's not so for my younger sister.

She's very opinionated and has voiced her disapproval of this when I mentioned it to her a couple months earlier. I do worry that it's going to upset her and that she'll be angry.
She's threatened to bail out of our planned vacation we are taking in August, to stop talking to me, and to basically drop all contact with me. And, yes, that bothers me, but then I know it's not her life or her body. It's not really anything to do with her and it's my choice to make regardless of how she reacts.

I know maybe I shouldn't worry so much about here reaction, and I wish I didn't, but we're close and, of course, I would like to know that she'll support me. But this may be too much to ask for, as much as I wish that it would be the case. I guess what it boils down to is that I want her approval, but I'm pretty certain that's not a possibility.

My plan is to, in the next day or two, to send her and my older sister an email explaining everything. I'm going to ask for their support and hope for the best. Because whether I have their support or not, I'm doing this. They'll have to accept it.

The second but is my workplace. I'm definitely a little nervous about the reaction I'm going to get there for a number of reasons. Mostly it's due to the people I work with. These people love to gossip and, frankly, love to backstab each other. So I know when word gets out, and I know it will, it will spread like wild fire.

It really isn't too surprising that there's tons of gossip there. The work is so dull that people try to find ways to make the workplace more interesting... and being nosy about other people and/or gossiping is one way to liven things up and make the day go. Unfortunately, it gets really annoying to be around. After seeing people whisper or talk in hushed tones around you constantly, it starts to make you feel a little paranoid...to say the least.

For that reason, I kind of fibbed. I told K., my young friend at work, that the reason behind the surgery was to correct a breathing problem, which is not the problem at all. However, I don't really want to share my insecurities with my workplace. It's not really any of their business and I know that it will only be fuel for their jokes and nasty comments. But I know that could happen anyway and there's really nothing I can do to stop it.

However, it's one thing when your fellow billers do it, but when it's also your managers who partake in the bullshit... then that's something completely different AND worse. My managers are actually extremely guilty of gossiping and spewing poison about others who work under them. I find this unbelievably unprofessional, rude, and uncalled for, but my opinion basically doesn't count. Well, it doesn't do any good anyway.

A., the female administrative manager is one of the rudest and most anti-social people there. She has this tendency to make you feel like you are wasting or aren't worth her time when you go to talk to her. You'll start talking and then she'll either start drifting her focus onto something else or will just start walking away from you. I've tried to talk to her in the beginning and she would completely blow me off. To this day, I can barely get a hello or good-bye from her. Actually, somedays I'll say good-bye to her and she won't even look up. Does it really take so much to say two words?

What angers me even more is that she actively partakes in the gossiping about the people she manages. One Saturday, my friend K. went to her Chinese lessons. She actually showed up early, as a favor to A., for reasons which aren't really important. Anyway, A., shows up as she is sitting there and they end up getting into a conversation about people I work with. According to K., she basically was tearing apart nearly everyone that works there. Ok, there are some exceptions, such as the people she chooses to be friendly with. But, according to her, everyone else is abnormal. This, of course, includes me.

According to A., I don't take care of myself and my relationship with my Mom isn't good. Well, how in the HELL would you know that?! I mean, what a completely ignorant thing to say. She doesn't know anything about my condition or my health, besides knowing I'm diabetic. SO how would she know? She hasn't tried to get to know me or talk to me at all about it or anything, so for her to judge me like that is SO infuriating! :o(

Oh, and the thing about my Mom. Well, she told K. that she's heard me on the phone with my Mom and that's how she knows that our relationship is a little problematic. I don't know how that's possible. Her office is not within hearing distance to my conversations I have in my cubicle. The only thing I can think to explain this is that my co-workers tell her things. I know the women who sit in cubicles adjacent to mine can hear things and it wouldn't surprise me if they felt it was their job to relay what they heard to A. Why they take that much of an interest is beyond me, but this is not anything atypical there.

As a manager- wouldn't you think she would try to be a little more professional, ok show any sign of professionalism at all. I find all this so inappropriate. Plus, that she was talking about others with K. , who is an 18 year old student is ridiculous. This is not a conversation you have with a kid (or anyone who you work with)and, yet, she did.

Now, my other manager, T., I actually can tolerate a little more than A. Yes, he doesn't always show the most professional side either. But if I say hello or good-bye or ask a question, he doesn't just dismiss you. He will, at least, address you.

However, saying that, he does have a few issues. One big thing is his temper. I've seen him lose it in the past and it's really NOT pretty. He'll start spewing foul language and he'll charge down the way like he's going to knock you over. In the past, he's almost run me down. And then there's the fact that he, also, makes nasty comments/jokes about others here, as well. I don't know if he means for it to be more funny than anything, but truth is, a lot of what he says is just plain mean.

I guess, then, that you can understand why I am hesitant about being truthful about my surgery. I did mention that I was having minor surgery to T. However, I didn't really go into it and he didn't ask, though I don't think he can. But I'm not stupid, I know, eventually, people will find out about my surgery. Afterall, they are going to see me when I return to work which, of course, makes me nervous. I do know that there's nothing I can do to prevent their comments, jokes, or what have you. It's almost a given that that's going to happen, unfortunately.

Anyway, this should basically give you an idea of the place I work at and the people I deal with on , almost, a daily basis. I swear, somedays I just want to quit and not look back. But I know I can't do that- especially now with all these medical bills. However, I know that this is not a place I want to stick around in for a long time, especially with all this nonsense. So this is good motivation, or kick in the butt, to keep looking and find something else. And when I do, I will not give leaving a second thought.

So it's been a little while since my last post... Ok, yes, I was in a CRAPPY mood that day (to say the least), but I guess that everyone has those sort of days now and then. I just so happen to have more of them than others- how splendid for me (NOT). Anyway, the weekend did improve, as I had hoped, b/c the following day we went and saw the Rob Thomas concert at Mohegan Sun.

Though I love Rob, if that's not clear yet, to be completely honest, I was a little disappointed. Reason being that he put on basically the same show as he did when we saw him there a little less than a year ago. But, saying that, he still does an AWESOME job! :). It would be impossible to say that his show sucks, b/c that's so far from the truth... he most definitely rocks. But more about that later...first, let me backup some.

Before the concert, things started off a little problematic :( . Part of the problem being lack of consideration/ lack of patience in the family. We were supposed to leave at 12:30 sharp to go to the casino (where the arena is), b/c it takes about 2 hours to get there. We wanted to make sure we had ample time for the commute, time to just chill in the casino, dinner, and then, of course, the show. Well, my older sister, C., got to out house about 12:55, which is 25 minutes late, and that sort of threw things off, unfortunately.

I don't know what quite happened or why exactly she was late, but I guess she didn't think that we were leaving at that time on the dot or that we all would be waiting for her anxiously in the car, but we were. So she shows up late... and what ensues is a huge, dramatic, absurd argument.

During which is a LOT of CHAOS. Most of my family members were screaming at her or at each other, there were people refusing to go, and then C. went storming off in tears. Gotta love family togetherness, right? After much time wasted, my Dad decides to drive off to her apartment, where we thought she had most likely ran off to, and, eventually brings her back after more time wasted.

Things were still tense, but at the point, we had settled down some and we managed to get on the road (which is a major accomplishment at that point). We finally get to the Casino and had a little bit of time to relax. After about 30 minutes of walking around and checking out the slots a little, we head over to the buffet for an early dinner. Though the food isn't outstanding, it was in the ok to good range, and how can you beat, all you can eat? :) I was reasonably well behaved, despite being faced with a lot of goodies, especially desserts... so I was feeling particularly proud of myself for exhibiting some self-control (one of the few, rare occasions).

While my Mom was finishing off her coffee and I was still picking at a small helping of bread pudding, my sister, K., and my Dad took off to go find some poker machines... My Mom, C., and I then finished up and went to find some lucky slots... but no such luck :(. I lost money, only $5... which could be worse, so I took things as an overall success. Before we knew it, it was approaching 7 and the show was about to begin, so we got a move on to the arena.

We walked in in the middle of Tobey Lightman's set. Although I don't know much about her, she has a really good voice and, according to my sister who had been there for all of it, she was pretty good. She has a new record coming out, so hopefully we'll be seeing more of her to come.

After that, out came Jewel. Now I'm not a huge fan of her's, but I like some of her songs... such as "Foolish Game" (I think that's what it's called), "Who will Save your Soul", and "Standing Still". I kind of wish that she had just sung them normally, but I think she was trying to make them jazzy (or something)...and, unfortunately, at some points it just didn't sound right, at least in my opinion. Her set went on for a good while, longer than I expected, but then she did finish and then... what we all had been waiting for... ROB! :)

OMG, I love him, I love him, I love him! Although he did do almost all the songs he did from the show we saw previously, it was still enjoyable. He's such a great entertainer.

We didn't end up getting home until after 2 am, but it was worth all the difficult moments and trip there and back. But there's more...

My sister, K., was supposed to go this weekend with her friend (as a b-day gift) to his show at Jones Beach. Well, turns out her friend couldn't go, but guess who could. YUP :). Even though it was really chilly and extremely windy. I had such a blast at his show last night, even more so than at the casino. Yes, Tobey and Jewel were both there too, but Rob is the man! He changed things up some, and, I think being in a different type of arena (which is outside and all open), made things different and even more enjoyable. My sister and myself, were dancing in the bleachers/seats the whole time... along with lots of other people. And I didn't want to see it end :(, but, of course, all good things must. On the way out, we managed to buy a t-shirt each from a scalper (sp) selling them for cheap- which definitely serves as a nice reminder of the night- and what a night it was! :)

I'm in such a pissy mood :(. I don't think I have any reason for it, I pretty much hate just about everything and everybody at the moment. Just a little while ago, I was blubbering like a BIG baby.

I know it's stupid... I know it's idiotic... And, yes, I know I'm only feeling sorry for myself, but sometimes I just can't help feeling the way I feel. That sounds like a pathetic excuse, and it may be, but it is what it is...

Maybe it's just the day... It's been a grey, rainy, and kind of miserable day. I woke up feeling ok, but I feel like I have been sort of floating through the day... not fully present, if that makes any sense. I went to the gym, went grocery shopping, and went to Borders to find a good book to read (which I think I actually did find). But since being home, my mood has gone from bad to worse.

What isn't helping matters is the headaches that have been plaguing me the last few days. All of a sudden they just come on out of the blue. They do eventually fade away, luckily, but it seems like they will come back at some point.

I'm wondering what the reason is behind this all. I have, in the past, had tension headaches... guess that's no surprise. I'm sort of an anxious, nervous, antsy person. But these are different. These are more bothersome.

Someone mentioned that it could be migraines, but I don't think that's what it is either. I've had one migraine in the past and it was the worst kind of pain I've ever had. Every sound, movement, or even light beam seemed to bother me. It totally wiped me out... I was in bed completely useless and miserable for a couple of days. Anyway, I know that's not what this is, but this is not fun either.

It did cross my mind that it could be connected to my blood sugar problems, but my instincts tell me that it's something unrelated. I know I should probably get checked out if it keeps happening, but I'm taking a lot of time off this summer that I don't know if I can get away with taking the time for another appointment. But, then again, I know how important taking care of yourself is... it's better to be safe than sorry, right?

Well, that's about it for the moment... Tomorrow, should be a better day. Hmmm, did a somewhat optimistic sentence just leave my mouth- amazing. We're going to see Rob Thomas (again) at Mohegan Sun... with any luck, I will not have these headaches or any pump issues.

I'm having some problems :( :( :( ... Lately, my diabetes control has been pretty sucky to say the least. I'm not a happy camper!

This past week has been difficult for me, in terms of controlling my numbers. For reasons beyond me, I have been dealing with high number after high number. And what is driving me even more mad, is that I can't figure out why this is happening.

I mean, it's bad enough that I'm having these problems, but it's even worse when you cannot find an explanation for it. I know I should know by now that it's not worth driving yourself crazy with trying to figure it all out, but I guess it's in my nature to obsess about these things. Well, that's my rationalization. LOL.

Ok, yes, I have had problems in the past with my evening to nighttime blood sugar levels- that isn't anything new. And, no, they haven't EVER been fully resolved, but it seems like things have gotten even worse from there.

The last few days, since Monday, my blood sugar has been, to be quit blunt, downright shitty :(. During the day, especially after meals, I'd spike pretty consistently(in the 200s)... I'd go workout at the gym, and then test and still be in the 200s, and then after dinner, again I'd be high, only now in the 300 range.

So many things run through my head when this sort of thing happens... I'm sure you all are familiar with those questions. Oh, you know... for example: Is it my site? Is my insulin bad? Is my pump functioning? Did I bolus? Did I carb count accurately? etc, etc, etc. Ugh...

Of course, most of those things appear to be ok, at least that I'm aware of anyway. The only issue I've been having recently that comes to mind, is the persistent headache I've had the last few days. I'm not sure if that might be causing all this aggravation or it's a result of the problems I'm having with my control.

But, anyway, today I decided that I would test my daytime basal rate (yet again). Dr. P, my Endo., wanted me to repeat this one more time, and then move on to testing my afternoon levels- can't wait (note sarcastic tone). But I bit the bullet and went for it again. Truthfully, I kind of also wanted to see if, somehow, my insulin needs have changed.

I wasn't that surprised to see that the results basically followed my typical pattern. I woke up at a nice 87, ate breakfast and tested every 2 hours from there. So two hours post-breakfast: 232. Another 2 after that: 143. 2 more hours after: 74. And lastly: 63.... which is where I stopped the test.

I'm pretty sure what Dr. P will suggest when he sees this... he will probably want to reduce my basal rate even more, particularly in the afternoon when I drop. But I think that this is not the answer for me...

Yes, these tests are supposed to be very effective in finding the right rate for you, but after all the tests I've been through, I'm really not so sure. I feel if he reduces my rate again, I'll just end up with even more high readings. And if that happens, I'm pretty confident, that I'll have to commit myself, b/c I WILL lose it.

I feel that the readings you get when you do these basal tests, when you aren't eating for most of the day, and the readings you get when you eat normally are two different things. I happen to know that when I eat, I see these ridiculous spikes right afterward. It's bad enough that I have high post-prandial readings, but then reducing my basal rates would only cause things to continue to go downhill. But if I mentioned this to Dr. P., he would then say that my carb to insulin ration probably needs to be adjusted, and he's probably right. However, saying that, I also think there's more to it than this.

Do you ever get the feeling like there is more to the problems you are having with your blood sugar than you might be aware of? Well, this is my concern. I have an instinct that there might be other health issues that are contributing to my problems, lurking there under the surface. However, I don't know how I would be able to find that out.

My thought is that they would perform various tests to check things out, but don't they usually base that on symptoms someone is having? Honestly, I don't know if I have outright symptoms. I have malaise somedays, other days I have headaches or just general achiness, then there are also days where I feel tired. But these things could be nothing... So I'm not sure how to figure this out.

I am planning on running things by my Endo and seeing what he suggests. I do want his feedback on my basal tests and, yeah, he may do what I expect him to do, but maybe he'll surprise me and offer me a different suggestion. All I know is that I want to get to the bottom of this all and finally see improvement...or I'll probably be heading to the funny farm, so to speak!