Thursday, May 25, 2006

I'm so beat :(... All of a sudden it just hit me like a ton of bricks- and, wow, did it hit me. After reading how some of my fellow bloggers are getting over being sick, I hope I didn't contract some bug... That's the last thing I need.

This weekend is supposed to be nice, like 80 degrees, and it's a 3 day-er, so I don't want anything to ruin that. And being sick would. I'm hoping it's just me being a little sleep deprived- I think I could cope with that...but, anything else, well, I'm not going to even entertain that thought.

I don't have much excitement going on right now... just the same old. Whenever someone asks me that, that's my typical response. Ok, here's how a conversation will go, for example ;).

Co-worker/Friend/ landlady, etc: So, Andrea, how are you? What's up?

Me: Not too much... same old...

You get the picture?

Oh, you know what? I lied. There are a couple of new happenings that I could share, on second thought. :)

One is a little update on the cosmetic surgery thing. Looks like I will be moving forward with it. I know some have warned me that my issues go more than skin deep, but I feel that this is something I need to I'm hoping that things will go well and that I'll continue to have all of your support.

I actually went today to meet with a surgeon near my parents. It was SO much better than the consultation (if you can even call it that) with the woman surgeon who is located in my old town. He took the time to talk to me, explained what was involved, the risks/complications, and answered my questions. Not to mention that he even quoted me a lesser price for the surgery.

Speaking of which, it's truly amazing what they can charge for these procedures. The procedures I'm considering, rhinoplasty(nose job) and mentoplasty (a chin implant for a weak chin) would take less than 2 hours and according to my first consult, with the woman surgeon, would cost me about 10K... WTF?! That's unbelievable. (hmmm, maybe I should consider medicine for a career-anyone else seeing $$$ )

This doctor quoted me about 7, which is still a lot, but I feel a lot more confident and secure with him and I feel like he would do a better job. I'd be willing to spend that much on someone who knows what he's doing. And, hey saves me about $3000 dollars, so that's really good.

I still have one more consultation, which is actually tomorrow, but I have a feeling I'm going to go ahead with the doctor I met with today. I know I can't expect a completely different life or that my problems will just vanish into thin air, but I am thinking that this could do a world of good for my self esteem and self-confidence. And, no matter what anyone says, how you feel about yourself really affects your whole world and the people you interact with on a daily basis.

The only thing I'm still worried about is my family. Having their support regarding this is so important to me, but I think that most of them are going to remain adamant against it til the very end, no matter what I say. But, even though it won't be easy to go through this w/o family backing me, I have to live my life for me. Or I think I will end up regretting it.

That basically sums up that situation. Admittedly, yeah, I'm nervous and a little worried about the outcome of this all, but I'm also feeling better now that I have had a real conversation with an experienced surgeon. Now, I just need to find out what the next move is... I'll keep you posted.

Oh, the other thing I wanted to mention...

Well, a couple of months ago, I had signed up for But, to be honest, my heart really hasn't been in it. I barely go to the website and haven't really corresponded with anyone... that is, until recently. This guy, R., emailed me and we've been emailing each other back and forth a couple times from there. He seems really nice and like an all around good guy, but, of course, being me, I'm a little skeptical. I guess I've been disappointed too many times in the past.

I know, I know, not a good attitude. It's best to approach these things, or really all things, with a positive outlook, but seeing that I am the eternal pessimist, it's not such an easy thing. I tend to get my hopes up and then end up let down in the end. Maybe I set my expectations too high, or, in general, have too many expectations, but it's kind of hard not to set any. No matter what we experience, there's always expectations there... I don't' think there's really a way to avoid it. I guess I just want things to work out for me... Often I feel like things will always suck for me and, yeah, that is as pathetic as it sounds.

When I've met people before, or, was set up, for some reason I had such a hard time relaxing and being myself. And, unfortunately, I think that really isn't helping me in any way. I'm not sure if it's my shyness or, some may say, questionable social skills, but I hate that I get so tense in these situations. As much as I tell myself that I have nothing to lose and that if someone doesn't like me, that it's his loss, but that doesn't seem to matter. In the end, I think I just care too much and I take things way too seriously/ personally...which is a flaw I wish I didn't have.

I know I'm jumping ahead, I barely know this person. But let's say that I do go ahead and meet R. ... I want to feel comfortable- I want to be myself. It's frustrating, b/c I think I don't give people a chance to get to know me, there's way too many walls up (though I don't completely understand why). And nothing, it seems, can penetrate those walls.

But then I think, when I meet the right person, things will just fall into place and I won't have to work so hard at being myself. That person will make me feel at ease. Well, that's what I'm hoping... but I'm not too sure, as you can probably tell.

So, now I think what I need is feedback :) I would love some insight, advice, or personal stories of your own experiences. I welcome any and all comments... as always! :)

[One itty-bitty thing, though, please don't suggest counseling. Yes, I know I am a prime candidate for some good old talk therapy, and it is something I am considering, but I guess I'm looking for some other suggestions. ]

Wow, now I'm getting picky, huh? LOL. I'm even telling my dear readers what not to say in there comments. Please forgive me for that... I think I want to believe that there's other things I could do to improve my situation, other than or along with therapy, which I most likely will pursue at a later date.

Thanks for being there and for understanding :)

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Want to know if I have made any changes since my last post? Well, uh... NO. Nothing has changed. So much for my goal setting **rolling eyes***.

Guess the fact of the matter is that the motivation just isn't there. I haven't been motivated to work at achieving my goals and, as a result, I'm still having problems and I'm still getting frustrated. Yes, I know, probably another thing I could use therapy for... but at this point I'm getting used to the fact that I'm a complete mess! No seriously, it's something I'm considering at some point in the future. It couldn't hurt, but back to the matter at hand...

I'm usually so overzealous about making goals, but then when it comes to doing the actual work- it's so freakin' hard. Yet, somehow, some way, I expect that things are going to get better on their own. Now, that's really unrealistic and stupid. The logical part of me knows that things just don't improve for no reason...well, not typically. In most cases, the person has to really want to change for anything to happen.

I thought I did want that, but then I sometimes question that. Or maybe I'm just lazy. That might very well be. I'm not going to lie, I can be lazy. When I don't "feel like" doing something, many times I won't do it. Lately, when it comes to this disease, I just don't feel like dealing with some things.

As a grown-up/adult, we all know that there are things we have to do whether we want to do them or not. It's a matter of being responsible and mature. Let's face it, a lot of things in life aren't things we want to do. Managing this disease isn't fun and, a lot of times, it can be a pain in the ass. I am well aware of that fact.

For some reason, logging, which should only take a moment, is something I struggle with. I think it may be due to me being a bit on the sloppy/disorganized side. I'm often rushing or running late for this or that and some things fall by the way side. Recording my blood sugar readings is one such thing. I know that, even if I am rushing, I should be doing it. Regardless of time of whatever the circumstance I am in, I need to make time for it. It's just that important and, yet, I don't.

Scott was very generous in offering me help with that- possibly giving me access to a logging system that Kevin came up with. Hey, it sounds pretty awesome and I'd like to try using it. Seems like a pretty easy and, generally, good way to keep track of your blood sugar readings. I think it could be something that is really useful to me... Thanks so much, Scott and Kevin :)

My other struggle in one word is my ... diet. I usually eat the same thing EVERY night. Problem is, no matter how I bolus for it, I can never predict the result. Actually, that's not necessarily true. Usually I can predict that my post-dinner reading will be high.

It frustrates the hell out of me, b/c I eat mostly vegetables and protein and, often, there's very little carbohydrates in my evening meal. Yet, I test 2 hours later and my reading is predictably high. I just don't get it.

To give you an example, tonight I got home from a yoga class, and made a turkey cutlet (lowfat, boneless/skinless) and roasted it with some vegetables (asparagus, onions, zucchini) and I had a salad as well with some red fat dressing (relatively low carb). I eat this almost every night for dinner. I know, how boring, but since I'm no chef, I go with what I know and what I like. Anyway, I tested after the meal 1.5 hrs later and I was 263? And I was still hungry! HUH?

Ok, yes, I started on the high side... I was 221 after the class, but I took a 1.5 correction bolus for it, so I thought I'd be ok. Then I also took a 3.5 unit meal bolus to cover my meal. I guess I underestimated...

Honestly, I have no idea how much carbs are in a serving of asparagus, zucchini, or red onion... I don't even know how much is a serving. So that may be the problem. However, I assume that they are relatively low carb. I know, I should have tried to find this information, but again, me being lazy... :o- (If anyone knows, please share ;) )

Now I'm debating whether to just stop eating a dinner meal....either that, or just eating absolutely no carbs at dinner. I mean, here I am eating what I think is pretty low carb and still going high so maybe I should just cut all the carbs out.

The problem with that is , I don't even know what I would eat then. I already eat very little carbs at lunch (usually salad with salmon or grilled chicken and strawberries). And I think it would be boring to eat the same meal twice a day, but I don't know, maybe that's what I'll have to do.

I often entertain the idea of skipping dinner, but I honestly I hate the idea of doing that. First, b/c I enjoy eating too much ;), but second I think that could easily backfire. It may not help with my elevated numbers at night, or even if it does, I may end up grazing too much which will then affect my blood sugar as well. Seems like a no win situation.

At this point I don't know what to do. Let me take that back. No, I know I need to start logging. But I don't know what to do about my evening numbers. This problem has been going on forever and, at first, I thought it was caused from rebounding from my nightly exercise. But it seems to be happening regardless. What do you all think I should do?

Do you think I should switch to no carb dinner meals? And if so, what kind of meals fit the bill... I could use ideas for easy, quick dinner meals.

Should I skip dinner all together? Like I said, this isn't the option that I would choose, but perhaps that's what it will take to see improvement.

I want to thank you all in advance for all the help/advice/ideas/suggestions... I think I'd be lost without you all. Also... thanks so much for the encouragement on the A1c... Yes, I was disappointed, but I guess it's like a wake-up call to try harder. Now, I just have to make myself do it.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Update from my appointment...

To my dismay, things did not go as I had hoped regarding the visit and my test results :o(. I got to the appointment about 10 minutes late, due to traffic on 84... But, honestly, I didn't give myself enough time. I was worried about the time lost from work so I left at 4:25 (instead of regular time, 4:30) to make my appointment which was scheduled at 4:40. I probably should have left 15 minutes earlier, but oh well...

Anyway, I get to the office and was a little frazzled from being late,the traffic, and my blood sugar reading I took right before driving to my appointment. After a short while, the medical assistant calls me back. The old familiar path to the scale first-eek!- and then she gets me set in his office. Before I left work, I tested in at around 220, but the medical assistant wanted to test me again. I guess I had started to come down from my correction dose, b/c my reading came in at 189. She then took my blood pressure and pulse and tells me that the doctor would be in shortly to see me.

Soon after, there is a knock on the door and the Dr. P comes in followed by a young woman, who happened to be interning with him. He sits down and tells me to come down from the examining table to sit beside him. He then precedes to ask me how I've been doing and how my sugars are. I tell him that things have been ok for the most part...not great, but about the same as always. I can tell something is up, b/c his tone changes. He tells me that, unfortunately, according to my last labs, my A1c has gone up... and by quite a bit.

My last one (I believe) was a 6.8 and this one is 7.5. This is quite a jump and one that I did not expect by any means. I'm not sure I even took it in fully- I kind of just myself hear what he said, but I don't think I processed it. Because if I had, I know that my reaction would be much more dramatic. In the past, I probably would have freaked out. I kind of surprised even myself that that didn't happen.

Then, of all times, he asks to see my log book. To be quite honest, I don't even keep one. Typically, I'd just scribble down the last few days' readings on scrap paper right before the appointment. Just gotta love my organization. But since he usually doesn't doesn't give them anything beyond a quick glance, I didn't think it was worth even scribbling anything down. Of course the day I don't bring anything, he asks for them-ugh. So he tells me the thing I was dreading to hear- another BASAL TEST. Guess we all knew that was coming :ox

He asks me a few more questions about my blood sugar readings lately and, from what I told him, he thinks it would be wise to test my daytime basals one more time. He thinks my nighttime levels are ok for the moment. Yes, I often go to bed high, but I'm waking up around the same numbers, and that tells him that it's probably set correctly. But the daytime readings are a different story...especially in the afternoon and after dinner. This has been an ongoing problem since who knows when? As much as I was planning on fighting him on this issue- I didn't take into account that my A1c would go up so much. So, no, I didn't argue this time.

Then Dr. P went over the rest of my results... Kidneys- fine, not leaking protein. Thyroid- fine, within normal limits. Cholesterol- excellent, according to him. Just that darned A1c- boo! :o(

I mentioned the Symlin, but I didn't get much of a response. All he said was that he was not against it- well, that I already knew. I think those were his exact words the last time, but he didn't tell me when I would be able to move forward with it. He just said that it's more important to get these basals straightened out before adding something else into the mix....think he said that before too.

One thing that was nice was that he gave me his personal cell phone number. Now, don't jump to conclusions. I think he only gave it to me, b/c he knows that I am not going to call. Ok, let me take that back. Well, I'm not going to call for unrelated or for frivolous matters or abuse having that privilege. I think I probably should call him during office hours if I have a problem or something to discuss.

I don't know that there are many doctors who would offer to help in that way, but I think it's awesome that he is willing to do what he can to help me. Obviously, I could use all the help I can to deal with this disease .

Incidentally, I was planning on getting clearance for surgery , but for some reason I didn't bring it up. I guess part of me said it wasn't the right moment to do so. And then there was the fact that the Intern was with him. I would rather discuss it with him maybe I will be calling him soon anyway ;).

As things stand now- I'm not too thrilled with the turn of events. YES- I know I could be doing better. I have let things slip more than I should have and it's time to make up ground. There's probably a whole long list of things that could stand improvement, but I'm planning on working on 3 major things.

One thing I feel like I definitely need to do is to start keeping better log of what I eat and my blood sugars. I think keeping record can really help in identifying trends and patterns. Since I don't keep any sort of records or notes, it's hard to do that. I guess I have a general idea of what are my problematic times of day, but I could really pinpoint things with a little extra effort. So it's going to mean getting a little more organized, but that's something I should be working on anyway. If this is important to me, and it is, then I'll have to put more effort into doing that.

Also, I'm considering testing more. I really feel like testing is key to control. I test about 5 times a day, but compared to some others that's really not that much. At a message board I am a member of, some of the members test twice that if not more...and they have great control. It's apparent to me that they are doing something right and that could definitely be their testing habits. When I test at those five moments of the day, that reading only applies to that exact moment. I have no idea what my blood sugar is doing during the rest of the time. I've learned that I can't just rely on how I feel, because a lot of times how I feel and what my blood sugar reads are two distinct things.

Lastly, I need to start calculating my boluses better. I used to feel that I was pretty good at carb counting and figuring out what my dose should be- but now I'm not so sure. I think many times I end up underestimating the carbs in my meal. I don't know if it's just bad guesses or if it's something more on an unconscious level.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that the more insulin I take, the more likely I am going to put on weight... so I choose to take less insulin and deal with the possibility of a high later on. I don't know, maybe not, but with my past history it could be.

It's funny, because when I was first diagnosed, I was so frightened about the possibility of complications I took more insulin than I needed to...which often led to lows. Now, that fear hasn't completely gone away, but I guess something has changed. My A1c might have changed due to the fact that I haven't been having a lot of lows at all. Maybe my last couple A1c results were better, b/c, yes, I still had highs, but a lot of times they were being balanced out by lows as well. Now I'm having highs and some normal reading sprinkled into the mix as well, but the average is a lot higher...which clearly means that I will have a higher A1c value :(.

It's frustrating, because I don't like seeing things move on an upward trend. But, I think, in a way, this will be good motivation for me to buckle down and work a little harder to take control. It's a good kick in the a$$ and probably what I need to wake up. I'm not expecting anything over night, though that would be nice, but with small steps, I know I could do so much better. It's not impossible, nor is it exactly easy either, but I'm planning to do my best and that's all anyone can do. :)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

So here I am- trying to play catch-up on what's been going on lately. I know I have posted about a lot of random stuff lately, but I haven't discussed my Diabetes for a good while. Seeing that I have an Endocrinology appointment tomorrow- guess it would be a good time to do so. ;)

To be honest, I haven't been as obsessive about my disease lately...and, amazingly, my world didn't suddenly combust. For a while now, my numbers seemed to be pretty normal (for me, that is). They haven't been out of this world GREAT, but they haven't been HORRENDOUS either... things just seemed to be moving along at an adequate clip. Well, seems like all good things must come to an end, unfortunately.

Yesterday, I changed my site before leaving work and headed for dinner with a few of my girlfriends. I don't quite remember my blood sugar reading at that time, but I remember thinking that it was in the OK- good range.

Fast forward to dinner... My friends decide to order this Appetizer Sampler on the menu... you "pick 3" from a list of tasty treats. We picked chicken quesadillas, nachos, and potato skins. Not really on the "good" list for Diabetics to eat, but since I rarely if ever order these things, I went for it. I actually behaved myself pretty well considering. I only had one small triangle of the quesadilla and a few nachos. Then my meal came and I, again, was trying to be good. I got the soup and salad combo-which was just perfect. At this point, I would have been perfectly content to leave, but NOoooo.... My friends decide to do dessert. This time, they order the "pick 2" option. Soon we are being served a brownie sundae and a huge piece of oreo ice-cream pie with a side of that chocolate stuff that turns into that chocolate shell coating (YUM :) ). Well, I actually didn't order dessert, but I did help myself to a few spoonfuls of my friends' order. Turns out, yes, I kind of splurged a little bit more than I intended, but when you are out with the girls, it's kind of hard not to. Or this is how I rationalize things anyway.

Anyway, before I met my friends and arrived at the restaurant, I determined that I would give myself half of the bolus I would usually take for my meal, since I would be going to the gym immediately following dinner. At that time, I thought a 3.5 unit bolus would be sufficient. I knew I would be working out right after and I didn't want to risk having a low at the gym. There's nothing worse than that feeling of being low after a workout... I call it my zombie-like
state and there's really no way I can describe it other than to say it's horrible. Well, I guess worrying about that was silly- that's not what happened at all.

I worked out on the arc trainer for an hour and then drove myself home. I realize as I'm driving that I'm not really hungry at all... but decide to shrug it off. Usually, when I feel this way it means one thing.... and turns out that my instincts were right. I test my blood sugar and to my alarm, I ring in at a horrendous 327 (yikes). I can't believe it... A million questions start running through my head... Did I bolus... Yes Did I bolus enough... Probably not. Did my workout cause this spike... Maybe . Is it my site... Possibly

Out of all these things, I conclude that it has to be my site, but I decide to wait it out. I take a correction bolus and decide to test in a few hours. Guess what? It didn't come down. At this point, I think... ok, it's definitely the site. So I switch to the old site... I left it in, in case something like this happened.

I don't know if it's being overwhelmed with different things or frustration with my readings, but I decide that if my numbers are that high, might as well just go hog crazy and pig out- got to love my logic- LOL. So I start eating cereal...and I can't stop! OMG... It's not pretty. Finally, I feel so sick to my stomach and sick with myself that I bolus to cover it all and go to bed.

The next morning I wake up and I had come down. Phew, I was relieved! My reading was around the 150 level. Not great, but, hey, I'll take it considering the numbers I was seeing last night. Since my appointment with the endo was Thursday, I had to go to the lab to have a fasting blood test done. After a bit of running around...I get to the lab and have the test done. No big deal, the phlebotomist was really good- it really was just a small prick. Then some more running around to get breakfast, and I head to work.

I grabbed a healthy breakfast of cottage cheese and fruit and measly balance bar for lunch and figure that I'm going to eat extra light today to make up for last night's indiscretion. Unfortunately, my blood sugar did not want to cooperate. By lunch, I'm again over the 200 level, but I take a correction bolus for and bolus to cover my nutrition bar. I test before I leave and realize that I'm around 120, which isn't too bad.

Considering everything, I'm a bit worn down and tired, but I knew that I should work out- especially after my little pig-out the night before. I just started taking yoga classes at this place a town or two away and decide to attend a class that night. I was originally supposed to go to with a friend from work, but she called me at work to let me know that she would not be going, so I made the trek alone.

I think the class was just what I needed. The last few I've had mixed feelings about. Although I did enjoy most of them, I noticed that I felt sort of nauseated during class. I really thought I was going to vomit during the class the preceding week, but I managed to fight that urge, luckily. I think it might have to do with me not being used to being in these different postures. Anyway, it was a good class tonight, the instructor taught it more gently and slowly then the other classes I've attended and I think it's just what I needed. I left feeling a lot more relaxed and at ease. And that's a feeling I wish I could bottle for times when I need it. It's such a good feeling.

When I arrived home, I started to prepare dinner and then tested my sugar. I was at about 133. I took my meal bolus and then had a dinner of salad, roasted vegetables, and a veggie burger. Guess it was veggie night :). I tested about an hour and a half after and was again over 200. This reading was not actually too much of a surprise. I typically have trouble with my post dinner readings. Again, correction bolus... Seems like I'm doing a lot more of it lately than I should be and it has me concerned.

Tomorrow, I have my appointment after work. I don't really know what to expect from it. I'm curious to see how my A1c is, but a little nervous too. Sometimes I go in without a clue on what it could be... this is one such time. Then I'm also interested in my labs- hopefully, they'll be back by then too.

However, I just hope that we don't have another discussion about basal testing. He wanted me to do my tests for my daytime and overnight rates one more time... but I just wasn't able to do it. I'm sure it will come up, but I'm thinking about telling him that I don't want to do any more tests at this point and that I'm ready to try the Symlin. This is what I always plan to say, but then things never go that way. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

Oh, one other thing, I am going to ask him about clearance for the surgery- should I move ahead with it. It'll be interesting to see his reaction... and, with any luck, he won't have any problem clearing me for it.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Can't believe it's Sunday again :0( (boohoo) and, worse yet, tomorrow is MONDAY! (eek!). Weekends just fly by... which doesn't seem quite right, since most of the work week drags on so S-L-O-W-L-Y. Honestly, I can't stand the thought of going in tomorrow to another joyous week (not) of work, but as I've said before, I have no choice in the matter :(, so I know I'll be taking that dreaded, but familiar trek into work...

Today I went to visit my parents and my Dad asked if I have been communicating more with my bosses since our little meeting. I actually have been... Ok, in reality, that's not saying much seeing that I had little to no communication prior to that meeting. But, improvement is improvement... I'm hoping they see that too. However, I know I can't just assume that they are seeing progress being made, I have to inquire and find out. My Dad suggested that I go in and talk to T. again and find out if they see improvement or if they think there are more things I need to improve upon. I know it's a good idea, but, truthfully, it's not one that I am that keen on.

I don't really understand it myself, but I have a hard time talking to A & T. Well, I guess I sort of understand it.... they really aren't the friendliest or easiest people to talk to, but, saying that, I can't let that stand in my way of doing a good job. So I'm going to try and do that tomorrow. I'm sure it will be a struggle and something I'll have to force myself to do, but it has to be done. I figure the more I do this, the more comfortable it will become discussing issues and problems with them and future bosses. Hopefully, it will go well.

Speaking of jobs... I actually applied for a position at Danbury Hospital as a Certified Medical Coder. Back in December, I took the test for my certification. I thought I had failed it, because I ran out of time at the end and started choosing random answers... which is somewhat odd, seeing that it's a 5 hour long test. But it happened...the time passed so fast and before I knew it the proctors were announcing that they were collecting the tests. When I finished, I almost didn't care that I failed. I was just so glad that it was over- that's how bad the test was.

To my complete shock and surprise, I passed the test. I think I had to read the letter twice to believe it- I thought it had to be a mistake. But I didn't receive any calls or mail to state that it was, so I guess I managed to pass somehow. I think in many ways, I still can't believe it.

Now, I have had this certification since December, but it's just been sitting in my drawer collecting dust. Thursday, I happened to go on to the hospital's website, noticed the job for Coder posted, and decided to apply. Honestly, I am not sure it's what I want to do either, but after taking courses for about a year and a half and taking that awful test, I want to at least give it a shot. You never know unless you try. So I'm hoping that I'll hear from HR soon... guess we'll see.

Other than that, not much else to report. My mom keeps giving me these nice compliments on how I look, but I think it's mostly in effort to try and dissuade me from doing what I am contemplating. I am still continuing to give it serious thought. Some days, I'm like "maybe I shouldn't..." and there are other days when I'm like, "I just want to do it NOW and get it over with"... but I really don't want to rush the decision. I don't think that would be smart.

I have two more appointments set up to attend- I think I'm going to wait and see what happens with those appointments before coming to a final decision. My goal is to really spend some time discussing my options with these surgeons, ask a lot of questions, and find out their opinions too. I am a strong believer on educating oneself regarding medical issues, whether elective surgery or conditions like Diabetes. If I didn't spend time finding out all I could about it, I wouldn't feel right about going through with it. As things stand now, if I had to venture a guess which way things are going to go, I would guess that I'm probably going to go through with it. But one never knows...

Monday, May 01, 2006

It felt good to let you all in on the cosmetic surgery I'm considering. However, now I am having a hard time getting my family to understand and support my decision to move forward with this.

Just tonight, I IMed with my sister, K., about this issue. Needless to say, she is also dead-set against it and was very upset that I'm considering this. She laid this whole guilt trip on me about how my mom and her were both upset (and crying) over this. Yes, it hurts me to think that it bothers them that much, but then I feel angry too.

I' m angry, b/c I would think (and hope) that they would support me should I choose to proceed with this. I mean, don't they want me to be happy? Ok, maybe happy isn't the right word... I guess what I'm asking is, why wouldn't they want me to do something that could make me feel better about myself? I would think that they would want that for me, but their reaction says otherwise.

My sister even went as far as to say that I'm stupid, dumb, and how she's embarrassed by me. And, if I do this, she doesn't want to speak to me or have anything to do with me. Her opinion is that this isn't going to help my self-esteem at all or change how I feel about myself... that what I really need is therapy. It's funny b/c in one breath she is saying how what I really need is therapy, but then in the next she is calling me all these names. I suppose that's what's really going to help my self esteem.

Yeah, I guess I had expected this reaction from her, but I don't really comprehend where all the anger is coming from. Why is this making her so upset? I think if the roles were reversed, I may not agree with her decision, but then I would also know that it's her decision to make. But, who knows, it's hard when you are not in that actual position... I also might be as against it as she is...I could very well be.

I hate that it has to be such an issue, but I can't live my life based on what she agrees or disagrees with. I have to do what I think is best for me and, yeah, it would be nice to be supported in my decisions, but I guess you can't always count on that. I'm hoping my family will come around, but even if they don't, I think I have to stand my ground. I am an adult and should be able to make this choice for myself.

As things stand now, I am not even sure if I am going to move ahead with these procedures. I have some hesitation... ok, a lot of hesitation regarding this. One thing being that it is surgery and that's not something to be taken lightly. Secondly, I'm nervous about the results. I don't want to end up with a botched nose job or what have you. That would really not be good. And lastly, and most importantly, my family. It's hard to go ahead with something like this when you don't have your loved ones behind you backing you up. I wish they could try and understand more, but I feel like arguing with them is hopeless. They see things their own way and don't see how things are from my perspective.

Maybe it's selfish and shallow and ridiculous, but I can't let anyone, not even my family, make this decision for me. Or I know it's going to be something I will regret. So I hope I can gain some support from you all... God knows, I could use it.