Friday, November 28, 2003

It's been a few days since I've blogged (?). Thanksgiving has come and gone and I'm sure Christmas will be the same way. Time really does just fly by.

Thanksgiving was pretty nice. Of course, I ate too much, but that's what Thanksgiving is for :) It was nice being with family and just enjoying each other's company. Keara came home Tuesday night, I was glad to see her, though I wasn't sure how she was going to be during this visit. My parents are moving and she is dead set against it, I understand how she feels, but I don't think she has much say in it. I have to admit I'm not too happy about the move either, it's nice having them in town, but I know I can't make them stay either. Hopefully, it will be something she adjusts to and learns to deal with. She is very difficult when things don't go her way. I just hope Christmas is going to be ok, b/c she is home for a longer period of time.

I finally started my Christmas shopping, it seems like everyone has at least already started, so I am glad I got some done. The mall of course was packed, but it was Black Friday after all . Everything went smoothly until Keara gets obnoxious. I get to the point where I can't stand listening to her bitchy remarks, it starts to bother me. Meanwhile, Mom is so afraid to make Keara angry at her, that she lets her get away with anything. So she just stood there when Keara makes these nasty remarks, the minute I say something back I get yelled at for starting an argument. Needless to say, that was enough for us to argue and I left angry and I don't think Mom was too happy either. Luckily, we patched things up, but I hate how Keara affects things like this. I know that I should not let her get to me, she does have issues she is dealing with and I have to remember that.

As for my blood sugar, things were much better today, mostly in normal range, I feel so much better when I see that. Yesterday was strange. I woke up with blood sugar about 198, then before Thanksgiving dinner it was high 200s. After it was actually a lot better, which is very strange, but all I care about is that it improved. Then before dessert it was like 99, which is a great improvement from the early part of the day. Hopefully, I will continue to have good sugar levels, I do know how important that is for me and how it can really affect my future.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

I can't believe Thanksgiving is already upon on. I really like this holiday. There is not so much focus on gift giving and the commercial stuff. It's nice to focus on being grateful for what we have and spending time with loved ones. Ok, that sounds really mushy. I just like that it's a real homey holiday.

Today was a good day all in all. It didn't really feel like a Sunday. I did several things today. I went to the gym, grocery shopping, and then to the library. Then I went to Cynthi's for dinner. It was nice. I have to admit that I was a little jealous of her place. It's nothing like mine, much fancier and bigger. Mine's small, and there are several things I would like to change about it. But since it's not mine, I guess I won't have to spend the money.

Monday is coming in just a few short hours. I don't want to go back to work, however it is a short week so that make it a lot better. I only have to work Mon. and Tuesday. Keara also comes home Tuesday. I hope it's a nice holiday, sometimes when we are all together it can be hard for all of us to get along. We all have issues and sometimes we just don't mesh well together. I hope things are ok. I could really use a nice, peaceful holiday.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

Yesterday I had written up this whole blog, and of course, just when I finished it my computer froze! I HATE when that happens. So here we go again.

Today went by in a flash. I wasn't too happy this morning at work. Yesterday, I got absolutely bombarded from about 3:30 til closing. It was horrible, I felt like I didn't have time to even catch my breath. On top of that, I was 160 dollars short :( I don't know how that happened, but hopefully they'll figure it out. Today was fine, except for the incident with the coin. This guy brought in $465 in coin. How did I know that Kathy wasn't going to take it? And me, being the doormat I am, took it all, had to bag it and everything. I was sort of annoyed about it, but I just keep telling myself that there will be better things in store for me.

Aside from work, last night I met Mom at the mall, which was nice. I like to spend time with her, especially now that it looks like their moving is a sure thing. :( I am not too happy about that, but it's not like they are moving hours and hours away. I think I will just miss her a lot. I don't want to continue with this subject, it is depressing me.

After the mall last nite, I went to the gym, and I also went today. It was fine, but today I was feeling sort of sick. I think it was b/c I ate right before it, that wasn't too smart. It would be nice if I can meet someone at the gym....maybe have a workout buddy? Though I doubt it, everyone seems like they are in their own little zone when they work out. I guess I am the same way.

Tonite I went out to dinner with Mom and Dad. I guess they invited me b/c they didn't want me to be by myself, so that was nice. We actually had a nice time and the food was good. I'm glad I didn't order too much. The last thing I need is more pounds put on me. I hate to think of my weight, it's the 2nd highest weight I have ever been at and that's scary to me. I just want to get to a healthy weight and be comfortable with it. I don't think that's too much to ask. However, I guess the most important thing is to be healthy and I guess I can say I am in relatively good health, other than dealing with a chronic illness which I am probably still considered in good control.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

I woke up late today, due to the fact that I was up several times during the night. The first time was b/c of severe cramps. I knew it was bound to happen and it did. I just was not expecting it in the middle of the night...UGHH! Then of course, around 6 am, Toby decides he wants to play. He now has this habit of trying to dig under the covers. It would be cute, if it wasn't that he does it so early in the morning. After that, I turned off my alarm and decided to get up whatever time I opened my eyes. When I did finally open them, it was 9:15, so I missed my step class.

After that I was online for a whie, showered, and went up for my Endocrinology apt. I really like my Dr. He's very attentive and patient and takes the time to talk to me and answer my questions. I hate to feel like I am being rushed along. Anyway, it went fine, except that I gained 4 lbs. I can't believe it. Here I am working out twice as much and I still gained! I don't know, maybe it's just bloat and water weight. I hope so, b/c I don't know what else to do. I guess I'll find out after this time of the month is over.

Later I went to Mom's and Dad's for dinner. I probably shouldn't have. Every time I go over, my Dad is so mean to mean. He find things that bother me, like insulting my intelligence and belittling me. It really bothers me. I know I can be a bitch sometimes to him, but I don't set out to be that way. I feel sometimes he does try to get to me. I thought family was supposed to be your support system, not where you go to be put down. It really hurts my feelings, and makes me feel inferior, and stupid. I don't know why he does that, it maybe problems with his own self-confidence. I just wish that he could be a little nicer and sensitive to my feelings. Sometimes he seems so heartless and cold. I don't know if I am ever going to have a good relationship with him, sadly to say.

Monday, November 17, 2003

I'm so unhappy that the weekend is over, it just went by in a blink. I was busy, much busier than usual and I felt the whole time I was rushing from one thing to the next. On Saturday, I worked as usual at my miserable bank job, then I hit the gym for about an hour, then I accompanied my Mom to the mall, and lastly I had to babysit (which I ended up being late for). Sunday, I slept in a little bit, worked out at the gym, and then met my friends for lunch and a movie. I didn't end up getting home til after 7:30, but it was a good day all in all. We were supposed to see "Love Actually", but it was sold out, and my friends didn't help matters-they spent all this time in the cell phone store, that even if it wasn't sold out we would have missed some of it anyway. We did end up seeing "Mystic River". It was pretty good, but I would wait to see it on video. But then again, I am kind of a tough movie critic. A movie has to move me in some way for me to say that it was great.

I don't know if it's all this rushing around that's making me so unhappy, bus something's bothering me. I think it's a combination of things. First, it's supposed to be that wonderful time of the month and I am known to get pretty moody, tired, and cranky (though I haven't gotten IT yet...and NO, it's not possible that I am pregnant). Secondly, my job is just the same old blah job, there's not too much positive about it and I am getting frustrated w/ the lack of prospects out there. And lastly, I think swings in my blood sugar are affecting me on many different levels. I'm just exhausted in so many ways.

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Today was a busy, hectic day, but at least I did things on my own terms unlike yesterday. Yesterday, it was going from one thing to the next and these things were things I didn't particularly enjoy. Well I take that back, work is the only thing I really don't like. I enjoyed the gym, spending time w/ Mom, and babysitting was fine. I guess I wasn't really in the mood for doing some of those things. Today I was also very busy, I went to the gym, out to lunch, and then to the movies I didn't get home til after 7:30.

My blood sugar has been rollercoastering all day. It was high when I woke up, then normal at lunch, and then high again when I got home. I know it's probably a mixture of hormones, and food I ate today. Today is the calm before the storm. I am not going to like the next couple of days. I just hope that I am not too bitchy, crampy, or exhausted. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Something that's been on my mind is men. Well, not exactly men, just wondering when it is that I'll find a guy for me. It seems like most of my friends have one. Even the ones I don't think are particularly attractive. Maybe it's b/c they are more outgoing then me. I just want someone who I can be comfortable being myself with and let my guard down, which is not easy...**sigh**

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

It's the week before that lovely time of the month and let's just say that I am really feeling it. Not only am I an emotionally basket case, but my blood sugars have been bouncing all over the place. It's not fun. I increased my basal rate so hopefully that will help.

I can't believe my days off are coming to an end, how sad. I'm not looking forward to returning to work, but I guess that I was going to have to eventually anyway. Hopefully, Marie will be back, so that I don't have to slave away with not much help from my co-workers. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am not sure if I am going to Stew's. I mean, I really have nothing else to do, but I don't want to spend the money. I probably will end up going. Then I will hit the gym. For a while I thought it was helping my blood sugar, but lately it hasn't impacted my numbers in a positive way. Maybe it's mostly my eating habits or hormones. I just hope I can get them back under control.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Here goes my second go at computer is being a real pain in the a**, shutting down for no apparent reason. Hopefully, it won't do it while I am doing this one.

Today was another long day at chase. It was crazy busy. On top of that, Sue seemed like she was in a bad mood and kept dumping crap for us to do...not like we weren't busy enough as it were. Oh, but I forgot we are just unimportant people compared to others there at the bank. I just feel so looked down upon, unappreciated, and unrewardedin this position. I don't know how much more I can take of this bull sh&t. God willing, I will find something better and soon.

After work, I headed to the gym. I guess I picked a good time to go, b/c before long it was pretty packed. When I left, every treadmill was taken. I know I will encounter having to wait for a machine sooner or later, but hopefully a lot later and not sooner. I'm pretty impatient sometimes, especially when all I want to do is exercise. I'm glad I went, I definitely needed to relieve some stress.

I went to Mom's for dinner. I was so hungry and I probably ate more than I should have. My blood sugar was high when I just tested so that indicates that I wasn't all that careful with what I ate. Dinner is always a time when I seem to underestimate how much I eat for some reason. I guess I'll have to try harder to estimate and maybe even overestimate if need be.

I just was thinking, if anyone reads this...they probably are thinking what a bore my whole life is. In a way it is, but I guess this is what I am comfortable with. It's hard to get out of one's comfort zone, so to speak.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

Today was tiring. I had to be up for work around 7, way too early for a Saturday and I certainly didn't feel rested for it. Actually, I have been tired the whole week and I don't know why. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep in a little tomorrow. I'm glad MJ and Nick didn't stay out too late tonite. Maybe I'll also get to bed at a decent hour.

I did get to the gym today and Lizette of course approached me. When I saw her, I was like, "damn". I'm sorry, but I really don' t like her nosy, meddling personality. She always has her nose in other people's business. It' s not like there's that much going on, but I just hate that she has to know everything. She asked me to baby-sit, that's definitely not going to happen. Anyway, I did get to work out so that was nice. I feel so much better when I go, but today it was strange. When I left my blood sugar shot up. I think I was exercising a little too strenuously. I know that that kind of exercise can cause that to happen. It's strange all day, my blood sugar had been fluctuating. When I woke up it was over 300, then at lunch it was 48, after the gym it was in the 200's and who knows what it is now. I don't think I'm going to check it. I'll skip it for once, I don't think there will be a problem. At least, I hope not.

Tomorrow, I might be going to the mall w/ Mom. That's if she doesn't find something else to do. I have to admit it does make me feel bad when at times it seems that she doesn't really want to spend time with me. I understand I need to make more friends my own age to hang out with, but that's hard at this stage of my life. I'm not the most outgoing, popular person. I'd like to find someone to hang out with, but I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon, unfortunately. I wish I could join some group or something. It's just that I'm not good at going to group things alone. Maybe I'll work up the courage one day.

Friday, November 07, 2003

Ugh, today's home equity day at Chase. I hate this whole selling business. I mean, I know that's how we stay competitive in banking, but they have sales people to do that job, right? I'm just a lowly teller. They shouldn't be counting on us to do this kind of work. I got a few names, so maybe Bill will get off my back. It was funny today, Kevin came in (the bartender) and Kathy goes there's a nice match for you. He seems like he has a nice personality, but I could never approach him in that way. I'm way too shy, especially around guys. Plus he's 37, I don't know that may be too old for me. Though I know maturity level is different in guys. Who knows when I will really meet someone I'm compatible with , I'm beginning to think it's not going to happen.

I have to babysit after work. I don't want to, but I need the money. Especially after spending money on the gym membership last weekend. Speaking of the gym, I won't be able to go today :( I won't have much time, plus I probably will feel too tired. I guess that's ok if I don't go one day, though.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

I decided to skip dinner at Mom's tonight. I don't really know why, maybe it was b/c of what happened last night or maybe it was just b/c I needed to be by myself tonight. Who knows?

Luckily, work went by pretty quickly today. That was nice. We weren't too busy so I had time to just sit back and take my time. Who knows how it will be tomorrow, usually it's very busy. Fridays I usually like, but working here I don't particularly like them. I am so tired after working all week and on top of that I have to also baby-sit tomorrow and Saturday.

I hit the gym today again. It was a good workout and I got to catch up on some music videos. It's kind of a pain not having cable. I guess what's most important is that it's helping to keep my blood sugar in range. Hopefully, another benefit will be a little weight loss. Tomorrow I won't be able to go, b/c of babysitting, but I guess I deserve a little break.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Well, my day off is almost over and unfortunately I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it, but I guess I'll deal with it. Kathy is back, and even though she's back it's like I'm still doing the same amount of work I was doing when she was away. She slacks off so much and then me and Marie have to pick up her share. It's not fair, but neither Marie nor I will say anything about it. It is aggravating and gets on my nerves, but since I have to work with this person in very closed corners, I guess I'll have to try to get along. For awhile she and I were not really on speaking terms, maybe it's better that way. I don't know.

Today I went to the gym twice...Well, the first time was a class. The second time I used the gym for about 40 minutes. It felt good to do it though and it seems to help with my blood sugar. Hopefully, I'll become a little more fit and maybe even lose a little weight. That would be nice, but I won't count on it being that I'm on insulin. I feel like I ate a lot today, so maybe it's good that I went so much. Tomorrow, I'm gonna plan to go after work. Friday, I'll take a little break from it.

Tonight, at dinner, me, C, and Mom kind of got into a little argument. Basically, I was angry with them, mostly Mom, b/c I feel she always takes sides and doesn't see things the way they really are. I just feel she puts C before me always, and it does hurt me. C can be manipulative and then it puts me in a difficult position b/c I will get defensive and I look like the bad guy. It's the roles we typically fall into. I hate being in the black sheep role, but for some reason that's what always happens. Being extra sensitive to what my parents and sisters say to me doesn't help matters. Dad can be mean to me a lot of times, and I don't really know how I feel about him. I would love to feel that Mom feels the same way I feel about her, but I don't think she does. Iknow she loves me, but when C comes around or even when K is there I always am 2nd best if not worse. Of course she denies this completely, but it's so obvious to me. C like to play up to Mom and she makes me into the bad one to make herself look better. Maybe she's insecure, but she shouldn't do that to me. I just find her to be very manipulative a lot of times. K and me are the most alike and we do get along for the most part, but we have butt heads on occasion. It does bother me that she does exhibit control over my Mom a lot of times and my Mom does nothing to stop her. Actually, she tries to control a lot of things, and I don't know why everyone has let her have that control. I do love my family, but sometimes I feel put down and depressed about the way things are.

Monday, November 03, 2003

Today was such a long, tiring day AND it's only Monday. I wonder how I'm gonna feel Friday. Work was so boring, but that's nothing new. I don't think anyone wants to be there anymore. I know I don't. I just don't have a choice right now. The bills keep rolling in, and my money keeps rolling out. OH to be rich and be able to do whatever you want to do.

After work I hit the gym for about an hour, maybe an hour and a half. I'm glad I went, but don't know if I can keep this up everyday. I'm gonna try, even if I don't feel like it. I know it's about self-discipline and will power. I have to prove to myself that I have that, b/c lately I have felt like I have 0 of both. I'm actually not feeling that tired after work and everything and the gym. That's kind of surprising.

Saturday, November 01, 2003

I joined the gym today. Lately, I have felt so fat and yucky. It was something I needed to do, though I didn't really want to spend the money. Oh well. I worked out for about an hour and fifteen minutes, which I think is enough for today. I know I have to burn an extra 500 calories a day for me to lose 1 pound a week. Can you believe all that work to lose just 1 lb? It's seems tough. It's so much easier to gain, especially on insulin. I'm going to try to go everyday, but I won't be too rigid about it.

Tonight we are going out for C's b-day, there goes all my hard work at the gym :D I guess going is better than nothing. I still have to wrap her present.

I just cleaned up my apt. I know it won't stay this way for long. Toby will be knocking things over soon enough and making a mess. He can be such a pain, but God know I love him. When he's good, he's so good, but when he's bad...

My stomach is still bothering me. It's not constant, but sometimes right after eating I feel nauseous. I actually thought I would throw up a couple times the past few days. I have a feeling that Dr. G doesn't believe me. I know that there is something wrong though. I really think I should see a specialist, but at the same time I don't want to be a pain, though it is my health we are talking about and I already have enough to worry about.