Friday, October 31, 2003

Ok, so I don't have an ulcer. I really and truly thought I did. Everything I read about them sounded like what I have/had. Apparently, I was wrong. I still think there's something wrong, but I guess I'll give the Nexium some time to kick in and see how I feel.

Today is Halloween. I went to Mom's and hung out. Of course, I don't have any real plans, but that's normal for me, sadly. I was so tired after today that I was really moody. I was upset b/c Mom wouldn't get me a soda for God's sake. I have to admit to being like this after work on Fridays.. I guess everything during the week finally got to me. It's partly my own fault for internalizing things and taking things way too personal. If I am not careful, I am going to end up w/ more physical problems that maybe even more serious than ulcers. I do think stress can cause ailments.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

I feel a little better today, actually. That's definitely a good thing. I don't think my ulcer has gone away completely, but it definitely feels better. I think I should be getting the results back soon.

I think Mom knows how much I want a career, more then just a job. All I have ever had are jobs, even though I have a BA in Psychology. When I think about that, it depresses me. I didn't go to school to be a clerk, a daycare worker, or a teller. I went for something better. I'm not saying that those things are bad, but I feel that they are not right for me. The only thing is I don't know what I really want to do. Maybe I'm afraid to choose something for fear that I will fail at it, but I need to start making serious decisions. In a way, I feel my life is just slipping away.

"Today was just a day drifting into another,
and that can't be what a life is for..."


Monday, October 27, 2003

I have felt like crap the last few days. My stomach just won't settle. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. It just feels like my stomach is empty and there is a continuous gnawing feeling there. I went to see Dr. G and she said it could be an ulcer. Just what I need, another health problem. I'm supposed to go get blood drawn and then take it from there. I just want this to go away, it really is making me feel horrible.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

So Mom asks me today if I am depressed, to be honest, I think I very well might be. I just have felt very down lately and I can't explain why. I know some of it has to do w/ my diabetes, but I can't say that that explains it all. I think I'm probably in a funk.

I realize that I am very self-destructive in many ways. When things start to go in a good direction, I sabotage it by making bad decisions and choices for myself. Not only that, but I do things that will hurt me in the long run. I don't want to go to much into it, but I'll just say that with my health the way it is, I really should NOT be doing some of the things I do. Yet, sometimes I feel like I can't stop doing those things. It's frustrating.

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Don't have muct time today, I'm on my way out the door as we speak, but wanted to write a quick blog-?-before I went.

As usual nothing extraordinary happened today, I spent the day doing my usual Saturday stuff. Went to work this morning, went on the computer for a bit, went to Stew's :), and then Borders, and came back to my apt. I did a little exercise and now am about to go to my parents house for a bit before I go baby-sitting. Kind of pathetic, but I rather baby-sit than go out and do what other people my age do- drink, go to clubs or bars, or something like that. That kind of thing was never for me though.

Now I'm wondering if I should really eat dinner now. I just checked my blood sugar and it's over 200. I'm not sure why, probably overdid the free samples at Stew's again, but I did bolus and I exercised so I thought that would take care of it. Guess I was wrong. Hopefully it will come down, don't want to deal w/ another visit to the ER, that's not really too much fun.

Friday, October 24, 2003

So this is my first time writing here, and I guess I don't know exactly how to start or where to begin, but here goes nothing.

I thought I'd write about today. It was a typical Friday. Work was dull, long and uneventful as usual. I keep wondering when I will find/do something better. I mean, I have a college degree. Shouldn't that mean something. Right now it seems like it means squat.

After work, I went to Mom and Dad's. As soon as I saw just my dad's car there, I didn't know if I should leave or go inside. Mistakenly, I went inside. Lately Dad has been obnoxious, more than usual. I don't know if it's b/c he's not working now or if it's b/c of something else. but he was so mean to me for no reason. He and I have always had a very tumultuous relationship. He has done things in the past that I have considered semi-abusive. That's something I don't know if I can ever forgive, but deep down I still love him and know he loves me. Still, dealing with his obnoxiousness was the last thing I needed after a long, tiring week where I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Not to mention, dealing w/ the up