Saturday, June 23, 2007

I just got back from my vacation to the Bahamas (and I'll post about that later), but first this :)...

1. Andrea
2. Drea/Dre

3. A.

this one is going to be tough...

1. My eyes- I like that they change colors depending on what I wear
2. My hair- it's naturally curly, but I prefer it straight... I like being able to have the option to wear it either way. (though I hate having to do it!)
3. My legs- From working out so much, I'm able to show off a little bit of muscle tone.

1. Certain facial features...
2. Skin problems/scars
3. My butt (lol)

1. Irish
2. Ukrainian
3. ?

1. The Unknown
2. Complications of Diabetes/ and other health issues
3. Something bad happening to family or loved ones

1. My pump
2. Testing supplies
3. Toss up between cell phone/computer

1. Insulin pump
2. Blue jeans
3. Red short-sleeved GAP sweatshirt

1. Chicago
2. Annie Get Your Gun
3. Evita

1. Perfect Blue Buildings- Counting Crows
2. Into the Ocean- Blue October
3. Bright Lights - Matchbox Twenty

1. Humor
2. Romance
3. Fun

1. Intelligence
2. A little bit of mischief/mystery
3. Sense of humor

1. Working Out
2. Surfing the Net/Blogging
3. Msg. boards.../ Support groups

1. Eat something really fattening :D
2. Talk to M.
3. Get a good night's sleep and have a good dream :)

What haven't I considered???
1. School Counseling
2. Registered Dietitian
3. Writer

1. Hawaii
2. California
3. Australia

1. Ava
2. Margaret
3. Shawn

1. Fall in love
2. Travel
3. Have my own family

1. I am not into shoes... maybe doesn't exactly classify me as a boy, but so many women are into shoes and shoe shopping
2. I usually dress for comfort above anything else.
3. I have a man's sized appetite!

1. I'm ultra sensitive and/or thin skinned- doesn't take much to get to me!
2. I am into sappy movies, romantic comedies, and dramas... nothing like a good chick flick!
3. I am very expressive and have a hard time hiding how I feel- usually it's written all over my face.

1. Robert Downey Jr.
2. Brandon Flowers
3. Rob Thomas

Friday, June 15, 2007

Today actually started with a bang, but, unfortunately, ended with a BIG, old THUD. :( :(
:( ... but that's generally how things go for me, so I guess I can't be totally surprised. Let me back up and describe what happened...

Basically it was an ordinary day... well, actually, no, it wasn't. Today was my last day at my job.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I accepted a different coding position at a different hospital... Well, time has flown by and I am starting a week from this Monday. I cannot believe it! But, anyway, for some reason, I was kind of anxious about getting through today. Probably b/c I I didn't really know what to expect. But to my surprise, things went a lot better and a lot smoother than I anticipated.

When I came in, my side of the department had put together a little good-bye breakfast for me... which was really sweet. Not only that, but they made me feel like i would be missed and that they were sad to see me go. Plus, I was told that I had done a really good job, which is always good to hear.

I spent most of the day tying up loose ends, packing up my stuff, and saying good-bye. I really had no pressure to do anything or get work done today, as I don't think most people would on their last day. So that was nice...

I took a lunch break today, which I don't usually do, with some of the department across from us coders... Was actually complimented on how good I look by two co-workers, which made my day even better, and then returned back to my department.

I wasn't sure if I was going to have to stay the whole day or not... but when I got back, my Director, L., called me in and thanked me for my hard work, wished me luck, and, also, gave me permission to leave a little early. Could my day get any better?

Turns out, NO. But I'll get to that.

With the extra hour of free time, I debated what to do with myself. I wasn't sure if I should go work out, pack for my upcoming trip this Sunday, or what. But, with Sunday being Father's Day, I decided it would be good to get something for my Dad... you can only procrastinate so much! And he SO does deserve a little something for all he does for me and the rest of my family.

Now, he's impossible to buy for, b/c he NEVER wants anything. And a lot of times when you buy something for him, he ends up retuning it... so I had no idea what to do for him.

Ultimately, I decided to drive to my old town, and see if I could pick up some type of kind of gourmet food item he might enjoy and a card. I stopped at this gourmet grocery store, but ended up empty handed...

Everything was way overpriced, not that my Dad doesn't deserve that, but nothing really jumped out at me. So I settled on getting him some homemade dark chocolate (which is his favorite) from the candy store in town.

This, as well, isn't exactly cheap chocolate. But, it wasn't the most expensive present either. However, my Dad, isn't about how much you spend on him. He more appreciates the thought behind it... and I knew he would enjoy this gift.

So with that taken care of, I decided to take care of myself too a little bit... I went to the GAP and found an outfit I really liked (very cute) and then ran across the street to CVS to pick up my prescriptions.

By the time that was over, I realized I had to get home. I was meeting two of my friends for dinner at Friendly's... and I realized I had only about 45 minutes to get home, dump my stuff down, and then make it over there.

In a way, I totally wasn't feeling like going... I just had this tense, anxious feeling all day about it. But, I decided to shrug it off and still go.

I kind of wish I hadn't, b/c this is where things go downhill :(.

We meet at the restaurant, get seated, and are chit chatting about random things. Of course, me being me, I do what I usually do when I feel insecure. I start scanning the room for people who I feel are a threat to me and my self-esteem.

I don't notice anyone in particular, but I happen to catch the eye of one or two of the young, male servers there. Of course, I look away and try to refocus on my friends and the conversation.... But it's too late.

Not too much later, I hear one of the servers, a loud, really obnoxious, and foul guy, talking about me and how unattractive I am (which aren't his exact words)... and it totally breaks me.

I can't get a grip after that. I start dazing off and my friends are looking at me bewildered. I was actually supposed to go with them to the movies, but, after that, am in no mood to do anything.

I end up driving home in tears and spending the rest of the night the same way.

I mean, WHAT THE FUCK! I go there and pay for the food AND the service, but i don't pay for that shit! And, fine, it that's his opinion, good for him, but does he have to be so loud and obnoxious and rude to say it so I hear him? I don't get that... The least he could do was say it a little more discreetly, but I guess that's too muh to ask. This is what happens to me all too often.

I don't get it. I don't think that I am really that ugly or that hideous, but yet these kind of things always seem to happen, so then I start thinking, ok, maybe I am. And, it''s weird, b/c it's typically always guys who do this to me.

For someone who doesnt have much a self-esteem to begin with, this is the last thing I need. And this is what makes it difficult for me to go out into the world and experience life, when so often I am faced with negative feedback. I just don't want to deal with it.

At this point, I am still upset, though I have kind of pulled myself together a bit. Logically, I know that in the long run, these type of comments and words don't mean anything. But, i can't sit here and pretend that it doesn't hurt in the moment and even still after the moment. It does. It hurts me a lot.

With my trip coming up Sunday, I am nervous that this is what is going to happen there as well. I mean, I'm sure that this incident at dinner will not be the last time. And, anyway, I'm afraid that it's going to destroy me again and ruin things for myself and my sisters, as well (who are my traveling companions).

I don't want that to happen , obviously, but I don't know how to prevent it. I try to put things in perspective and realize how minuscule these things are, but it always bothers me tremendously. I know that I shouldn't sweat the small stuff, but I just feel like I can't help it at times. I guess that's what you get for being ultra sensitive and thin-skinned... Anyone know how to change that- I'm up for any and all ideas! Frankly, I need all the help I can get!

Oh, and btw, I haven't tried the new meds yet, but seeing how this went down tonight, I'm thinking maybe I should. Maybe it would improve things, or at least take the edge off at least... But, I think I'm still going to wait til after my vacation to try it, if I decide to take it at all.


Look, I know I need to lighten up and stop taking myself SO seriously, but that's just me.... sounds like an excuse, but in a way, it's who I have accepted myself to be. Saying that, I don't really want to seem like a drag either... so I want to shift gears a bit and end this on a different note then my typical down one. So here's the MEME that's been floating around the Diabetes OC...

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Ugh, what's with the patch of skin on my nose- ew!

2. How much cash do you have on you?
A total guess here, b/c I'm WAY too lazy to get up and actually check, but probably anywhere from about 8 to 15 dollars.

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR?
MORE = typical, always want something more... lol.

4. Favorite planet?
I think Venus, though I don't think I have an exact reason, or maybe Saturn... Love the rings around it.

. 5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
My sister, K. She probably heard about my little breakdown tonight and was calling to check on me... thanks to my Mom filling her in. ( I called her after this all went down).

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
I don't think I have a favorite ring tone. However, the one ringtone I purchased was "What You Waiting For" by Gwen Stefani.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
A V-neck, black and white striped, 3/4 sleeved sweater from H and M. It's one of my favorites.

8. Do you label yourself?
Yes, all the time- probably way too much so.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing:
Not wearing shoes at the moment, but was wearing my black Keds during the day.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Hmm, sometimes bright puts me in a better mood, but I think I'm still more comfortable if the room is slightly on the dark side, It makes my flaws not so obvious.

11. Why is there always a missing question?
Really don't know...

12. What does your watch look like?
I don’t wear a watch... generally I'll rely on my pump or cell phone if I need the time. But, yes, I probably should wear one, b/c I do generally show up a few minutes late to wherever I go.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Emailing M. (which is another long story... I'll post about another time)

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say
Too personal to post.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11???
Just a few short miles own the road.

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
"Hey"Or "Hey, you".

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
My Mom... after my emotional fit this evening.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
A co-worker's stuffed animal at work.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Hmm, no illegal ones. But, let's see... Cymbalta, Seasonique, and some type of dermatological medication. Then, the diabetic prescriptions- thought they are technically not drugs... Novolog and Symlin...

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
None at the moment

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
Probably 18.

22. Your worst enemy?
Definitely Myself! I think my own problems and issues with myself are worse than what anyone else does or says to me.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
A field of yellow tulips- love them! :)

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"Ok, good night"

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be?
The money... No, I realize it can't buy happiness, but it's better to be rich and miserable than poor and miserable, right?

26. Do you like someone?
Of course.

27. The last song you listened to?
All these things that I've done- The Killers

28. What time of day were you born?
I think around 6:30 am.

29. What's your favorite number?
Lucky number 7= but perhaps I need a new one :(.

30. Where did you live in 1987?

.31. Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes, I'm very jealous of people... Especially those who seem to be doing exceptionally well or are exceptionally happy, b/c I am not.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
Highly doubtful.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At home, in front of the tv... I couldn't believe my eyes!

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Use a few 4-letter choice words, bang on it, and see if I can find someone to reimburse me.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
I do. Sometimes I think too much so and then I get stepped on or hurt by others when they don't reciprocate.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Don't know how to describe this but a decorative design of flowers that goes around my wrist.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
I'd love to be able to speak Spanish... it's so commonly spoken here in the US and if I ever return to Spain, where I went once on vacation, it would be nice to know

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes, probably.

39. Are you touchy-feely?
Um, with certain people, but usually not with most.

40. What's your life motto?
Everything happens for a reason OR What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger (though I'm really not too sure anymore!)

41. Name three things you have on you at all times:
Insulin pump, testing supplies, and cell phone... well, usually, when I don't forget it.

42. What's your favorite town/city?
My Hometown in CT

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
A diet soda.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
It's been a long time, not sure exactly.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
Is that the same thing as adding additional oil or doing an actual oil change. If the prior then yes, if the latter, then no.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Never really been in love, sadly.

47. How far back do you know your ancestry?
Not too far.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
Again, can't remember exactly, but probably around the last major holiday... nothing too fancy, but probably a dressier outfit than I generally wear.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Yes, my head, my heart, and my neck is bothering me too.

50. Have you ever been burned by love?
Since I've never really been in love, no. But I've been let down by people I thought I could potentially love.

51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers?
I'm not telling :).

52. Where would you like to live?
I'm content with where I live now. It's not really about where you are, it's about how you feel. And I Just wish I could be happier overall

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I have been meaning to post... and I'd like t say that I have a good reason why I haven't, but I really don't have any excuse.

Actually, scratch that. I think part of the reason I put off writing was b/c I was sort of hoping that I would have better things to report than I do... But, sadly, I'm still doing about the same.

Depression is a very powerful thing and, though I feel like I am trying to find ways to deal with it... I'm struggling. It really sucks.

Lately, I've been trying to figure out where my depression stems from. I really don't know. I know they say Diabetics are at least 2x as likely to experience depression, but I think my own started even prior to diagnosis.

I think a big part of my depression stems from my own self-esteem. Honestly, I am severely lacking in this department. And I think that this has been going on for a long time. There's not a whole lot of things I like about myself and sometimes I feel like I really don't like anything at all.

Having low self-esteem and being insecure makes going through life pretty difficult. I can definitely attest to that! Instead of trusting my own opinions and beliefs about myself, I look to other people for feedback on how I should feel about myself. And, let's face it, people can be very cold and judgemental...

I know it's bad that I do this, but I can't seem to help it. Whenever I walk into a public area, I scan the room to see if anyone is looking at me strangely o if anyone has a negative reaction. And then if I see anything or hear anything that I interpret as negative, I automatically assume that it's about me and it usually ruins my whole day...

It probably sounds pretty crazy to a lot of people,and maybe it is, but it is something I really struggle with. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I won't even go out somewhere, b/c I know that this will probably happen. In other words, it's getting in the way of me living my life.

I've done a lot of thinking about this and I can understand, to a point, why I do this. Like I said, my self-esteem and self-image is very low. I don't value or trust my own opinion whatsoever. So I look to others, in essence-strangers, for reassurance that I am okay... And when I don't get the reaction or feedback I desire, it really breaks me down even further.

I know I got to stop this. Why should I let what someone else, a stranger, define who I am or dictate how I feel about myself? The logical side of me knows that it just doesn't seem right. It's a pretty self-destructive way of going through life. But I really don't know how to change this. It's almost something I do automatically

Despite seeking therapy(both individual and group) and trying different medications, my overall outlook on life is still poor... I still don't feel hopeful about things changing or improving for me and this really saddens me. At this point, I'm not sure that anything is going to help :(.

I wish I could say that these things are making a difference for me, but I'd be lying if I said that. My psych actually suggested that I add another medication to see if it helps... I guess it's something to consider...

BUT, this is a medication that is unlike anything else I've taken before. And, of course, with my luck the way it is, two of the main side effects are increased blood sugar AND weight GAIN! So I do have some apprehension. Not really good things for a diabetic...especially since lately my control has sucked majorly! :(

However, saying that, the dose I am going to be on is very low and who's to say that i will experience these things? And, if it helps me, then maybe it's worth the risks.... I could always stop it if it doesnt help or if the side effects get to be too much. I may just have to try it and find out...


So I know I've posted about this person I met, M., that I was really interested in getting to know. Well, looks like we are not going to be friends after all... which really saddens me.

Honestly, I felt a connection between M and myself... and I was drawn to M, for some reason. But it doesn't look like it was meant to be. And, it probably is mostly my own fault. I tend to push people away and this case was no exception. It's really too bad.