Thursday, December 29, 2005

So let's guy situation, well, I don't even know if I can call it that. However, I will let you all be the judge of it all. I'll take whatever insight you can provide, b/c I really don't know what to think about where things stand. God knows, I could use the help!

Ok, so a couple weeks ago I met this guy my co-worker, S., started IMing and communicating with. For some reason, she didn't think that he was her type...too shy and introverted for her, so she gave me his IM name and we started talking online. At first, I didn't think he was my type either. I think he was trying to impress me or something by putting on this whole tough guy attitude, but actually that turned me off. Plus, there were little things about him that bothered me (and still do a little) such as he can't spell(even simple words), he's about 40 minutes away (which I guess isn't that big a deal), and lastly, he's young- he's only 25. (and you know what they say about guys, they mature a LOT slower, and I have to say that I'm in full agreement with that from past experience).

Anyways, we continued to talk off and on for a month or so, and, finally, I agreed to meet him. So we met one Friday night, at the mall. It actually went better than I had expected. He was a lot different than I had thought he'd be, but in a good way. He seemed like a nice guy. Then after the meeting, things got weird. When I was online, he didn't make an effort to IM me right away, like he did initially. Sometimes he wouldn't even IM me at all. As much as I told myself I wouldn't do it, I took it personally. Maybe there's something wrong with me? Maybe he's a player? Maybe I'm not his type? I know that he's entitled to his opinion, but I always start thinking the worst. We did chat a few times after that, but it seemed like he wasn't that into me. That's fine, it that was the case, but I wasn't and I'm still not sure.

I just felt like something was up. My friend, S., from work had still been in touch with him during this all, so I finally got some answers from her. I told her that I thought there was something I wasn't being told...she broke down and told me that there's another girl in the picture. I probably should have guessed that.

Where do things stand now? I don't know. I'm sort of confused and a little disappointed. I almost feel like he's keeping me on the back burner, for if this other chick doesn't work out. And I'll tell you why I think this. After S. told me that he has been speaking with another girl, I decided I was going to ask him about it. I actually don't care if he is interested in someone else, but I rather know than make my own conclusions. Anyway, apparently he thought this girl was interested in him and now he isn't that sure. Needless, to say he's been a little more attentive to me. I'm not sure how I feel about that- what's going to happen when another girl shows a little interest? Then, I guess he'll forget about me. I don't think that jives well with me.

I might be sending mixed signals though too. Maybe he doesn't know what I think about him. For example, yesterday, he asked me why I never IM him first, which took me totally off guard. I guess, I don't because I didn't think he was interested in me and I didn't want to be annoying. Instead, of just being honest with each other, we're being stupid. So I don't know where things are going to go from here or if there is even any possibility of anything.

To make matters even more difficult, there was that other guy I had been introduced to, through another friend at work, W. He seems like a nice, responsible, good person, but I still have mixed feelings about him too. There's just something about him that seems off. Now, I'm not always right, but I usually believe that you have to go with your gut instincts.

We had met and I invited him to my company's Christmas Party. I thought things went well, we even made plans to have dinner the following Saturday night. Well, I heard from him that Thursday before. He left a voice message for me saying that he wa confirming our "date" for the next night. Ok... I assumed that he meant Saturday, but when I called him that Friday, he had thought we were actually meeting that night. Of course, I already had plans and he already had plans for the following night.

He actually made plans to go into the city with someone. He was going to go see the city all decked out for the holidays and then go to some observation deck to get a good view of everything. To me, this sounded like a date- I mean, do you go with guys or work people up to an observation deck? I don't think so.

It shouldn't bother me, but it does. He's also allowed to see anyone he wants. We hardly know each other and we're hardly exclusive. Everyone's told met I'm being stupid...especially since I had also met the other guy during this all, as well. I'd by lying if I said it doesn't bother me anymore, but I do think that I think everyone's right. He can date whomever he wants.

Now, I'm somewhat confused... I didn't hear from him for about a week or so after that call, which happened to be the week before Christmas. I didn't know what to believe. I understand that it's an incredibly busy time of year, especially that week. I know I was doing a hell of a lot running around, but at the same time, it doesn't take much to pick up the phone and call me. He didn't though. A few people at work kept encouraging me to call him, but I didn't either. For some reason, I couldn't. Then Christmas Eve, my sister asks to borrow my cell for a minute. To my surprise, she announces that there are two missed calls and a voice mail from someone. It was him. I don't call him back immediately, I decide I am going to send him a holiday E-card. However, that back fires. My dad's computer isn't working. So Christmas Eve passes, I haven't called or sent him anything. I think I'm being very rude, but I'm not sure what I should do. My sister suggests sending him a text message...which is what I end up doing.

As of right now, I'm a little uncertain of things (what else is new?). I'm not even sure he got my message from Sunday, but I assume so. He calls me on Tuesday evening, but I don't answer the phone....not sure why, I think I wasn't in the mood for talking. However, I decide to call him back last night, but he doesn't answer either. So this morning , I check my email, and I received an email from him. I know you can't tell much about a person's tone, but in a way, he seems annoyed, at least that's the way it came across to me. Basically, he wrote that he was busy at work when I called (hmmm, he's never had a problem answering my calls before) and that he's tried calling me twice, but he'll try again tonight. So I guess we'll see what happens.

That basically sums everything up. I'm am encouraging any and all feedback from you all. I'd love to know what you all think of this all. As you can see, I'm confused (but I guess it doesn't take much, lol). So please post your comments-thanks so much, in advance :)

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Hard to believe, but true... Christmas is officially over :( . In a way, it doesn't even feel like it happened. It came...and went...SO fast! I guess that's typical of the holidays. However, I remember when I was in school, Christmas seemed like it would never come.

My holiday was good. I stayed over my parents house on Saturday, Christmas Eve, since I would be there for Christmas Day anyway. I arrived in the early afternoon, met my sister at the gym, came back(showered and changed,) and then we went to church. After church, we decided to try a new place in White Plains-this was a mistake. We had reservations for 7:30, but they didn't seat us immediately. Then we had to wait for over an hour to be served. At this point, we all are a little on edge and I think a mix of being hungry and the stress of the holidays started getting to us. All of us start complaining about something and then we start bickering amongst ourselves. Ahh, just love the holidays. Anyway, after we are finally served our food, which I thought was disappointing, we leave still in bad spirits. However, as the night goes on, we do settle down and relax. I spent the rest of the evening wrapping gifts and watching MTV hits...Of course, with my exceptional organizational and planning skills, I wait to the last minute to do this all. I finish around 1 am and I finally turn in.

Christmas morning, we all get up around 8:30. I get dressed and ready and then finally head downstairs. After a little squabbling back and forth, (What's a holiday without a little bitching at each other?) we, somehow, manage to finish breakfast without a huge blow up. Everyone then heads to the family room to open gifts. I must've been good this year, b/c I got a lot of nice gifts and presents, and as much as I enjoy poking fun at my family's argumentative nature, it was nice to be there with them. We then head to my Grandmother's for lunch, which was nice and quiet, and then to my Uncle's for dessert. I was actually pleasantly surprised. My dad's family picks names at Christmas, so we all prepare lists for what we would like as our gifts. I wrote down a digital camera w/o fully believing that I would actually get one. Well, my Aunt is very generous...and that's just what I got. I am so excited. I'm going to be very camera happy. :)

Blood sugar wise...well, I was on a bit of a rollercoaster for most of the weekend. I take that back, Saturday I stayed mostly in control. Sunday was the more difficult of the days, which I guess makes sense. I woke up in the 200 range and hovered around the high 100s to 200 range, for most of the day. Now, I know 200 isn't good, but I know it could be much worse, so I took it. I felt pretty good, so I wasn't going to let it upset me like it usually does. Plus, I didn't want me being emotional, ruin the day for others either. Frankly, it doesn't help matters. So there wasn't any emotional outbursts having to do with me feeling out of control. That's a big stumbling block for me, but I seemed to overcome it this time. I'm feeling proud of myself. ;)

Now it's time for me to get back on track..which means not slacking off with testing as I have been lately. I think testing is definitely the key to controlling this disease, it makes such a big difference, so I don't know why I let things slide lately. Actually, I guess I do know part of the reason. Not to make excuses, but the holiday season is always an incredibly busy time of year...sometime the last thing you want to do is test. However, I think, b/c it's so important, we have to make time. It's really no big deal, just takes a minute or two tops, but sometimes it's hard to do it for some reason. However, I'm not willing to let things continue to slip, so it's going to be a priority for me. Maybe that should be my resolution? :)

I was going to post a little about my guy situation...if you can even call it that, but since I've written a novel here, I guess I'll save it for my next blog entry. Hope everyone had a great holiday! :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I'm feeling a little better today (mood wise) than I did the last few days. I think having this outlet to express myself has really helped tremendously. Being able to let out all my thoughts and emotions has made me feel a lot better, but what has helped even more is all of the supportive and encouraging replies I received. I think I'm, finally, beginning to let it go... It's about time, I know, but I probably would still be dwelling on what happened w/o your kind words. You all are such wonderful people and I'm so appreciative...thank-you so much :).

I can't say why I let what happened Friday, bother me so much. In a way, I feel stupid for reacting so emotionally to what this person said about me. Until that happened, I was starting to believe that I wasn't as insecure as I once was. However, I guess Friday proves that the insecurity is still there, unfortunately, and also how my self-esteem is seriously lacking :(. Both issues make me more prone to being hurt, rather easily, by others.

There's really no exact explanation for my lack of my self-esteem. Ok, let me take that back. I have my theories on what happened to it...which may or may not be true, but like I said, it's just a theory. My thought is that a lot of self-esteem issues stem from childhood. (Does that sound like Freud?-yes, I was a psych major). Anyway, my childhood wasn't horrible and tragic, but it wasn't the best either. I went through a lot of tough things. I was painfully shy, chubby, and awkward growing up. There were times where I felt very alone and there were times where I just wanted to be left alone. Also, I was teased by my peers at different points throughout school...which probably did the most damage. I think more than anything, kids want to be accepted by their peers...and when that doesn't happen, it hurts. To be honest, I don't' think I ever was completely accepted by my classmates. Things did get easier towards the end of high school, but I never felt like I fit in.

Those experiences are ones that you take with you throughout life and I believe that shape other, future, situations. I also think that as those difficult things happen to you, it chips away at your self-esteem. It's damaging and I'm not sure if the damage can ever really be undone. That being said, and possibly contradicting myself, I guess nothing is impossible. However, I think it takes a lot of support, love, and positive experiences to make up for and/or help repair the damage. Unfortunately, it seems so much easier to break one's self-esteem down than it is to build up. Building it up is much more of a challenge and a lot of work has to be done to make it stronger.

I, obviously, need to do a lot of work to make these repairs...I feel it has been severely damaged over the years. Obviously, I am still clinging to a lot of these painful situations for some reason, when the logical side of me knows that it's probably healthier to accept what happened and let it go. For some reason, I can't seem to move on as much I would like.

I talked to my parents tonight and they mentioned how I have a habit of focusing on the negative and not realizing that there are positive things that have happened to me, too. I guess, for me, it just seems easier to recall those painful memories for some reason. Seeing the glass half-full is my usual aspect on life and I don't think that's good. Having the right attitude has a major effect on life. I admit, my attitude could stand a major overall, especially if I continue to let this stuff get to me as much as it does. The sad truth is that people/life can be pretty shitty at times...that's just the way it is.

What's more important is to realize that, yes, people can be cruel and mean, but there are also good people out there too and a bad experience, like this one, doesn't necessarily mean all doom and gloom. As much as the drama queen in me would like to beg to differ, I'm trying to remember that, although I would have preferred to not have gone through some of my past situations, I somehow survived them and I think, in a way, those things have made me stronger.

Monday, December 19, 2005

I had started this posting yesterday, but of course my computer froze and I lost everything. :( That's kind of how my weekend has been. It basically sucked...whatever could go wrong, did go wrong. Not to mention that I feel like my self-esteem took a MAJOR beating. Honesty, it wasn't in such great shape to begin with, so I don't know how it can continue to withstand such damage. In a way, I don't even want to talk about it, b/c it was very hurtful to me, but then I think I do need to vent about it. I can't keep all those emotions please bear with me.

Friday, I went to the gym as I usually do after work. I got on the elliptical machine and since there wasn't anything on tv, I opted not to use my headphones...which probably was a stupid move, looking back. As I'm doing my workout, I see this young kid walk past my machine and then back around to the weight section...almost around in a circle. Now I'm not exactly sure why this jerk would do this, but I shrug it off. However, I hear him saying something extremely mean about me to his friends. I try to pretend like I didn't hear it, but of course I did and, at this point, I am kicking myself for not putting my headphones on. It's like they say, "what you don't know, can't hurt you". But it's too late...I heard it.

I don't know why I let myself become so upset by what this idiot thinks. He's young, obnoxious, and rude... He probably doesn't feel good about himself, so he has to cut someone else down to feel better....but my question is, why does it have to be me that is singled out? And why do I care so much by this all? Am I that insecure?

I guess I am. I guess I'm also afraid that what he is saying is true. I mean, if there wasn't any truth in what he was saying, would he have even thought to say it? Probably not. Yeah, I know he's entitled to his opinion and it doesn't meant that he's right...but, obviously it bothers me.

Needless to say, I haven't been able to get over this cruel remark, as you can see I'm still writing about it. I had plans to meet my co-worker's friend at the mall that Friday. I really did not even want to show up. I was tempted to just stay home and throw myself a huge pity party, especially after my self-esteem and self-confidence had taken that nose dive. But... I couldn't do that. I somehow made it through the rest of that evening, even though I hadn't, and still can't, shake those nasty remarks. I just don't understand why some people get enjoyment out of being nasty and cruel.

Yeah, I know that people can be mean and unkind, and I'm aware that I'm definitely not the most adept at dealing with these types of things. Unfortunately, I wear my heart on my sleeve and it doesn't take much to get to me. I hate myself for being so sensitive and so easily broken down, but being the emotional, overly sensitive person I am, it's not easy to just let it roll off my back. I wish I could.

I know I need to develop a thicker skin (I've known for awhile) and not let this bullshit get to me, but I sometimes feel like I can't help it. I wish I was more confident in myself and didn't worry so much about what some asshole thinks about me. People aren't all sunshine and light and if I feel this way every time someone says something negative about me, life is going to be pretty difficult.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I haven't been happy with how things have been going at work lately...this week in particular. I think it's mainly my co-workers that have been getting to me. This place really isn't the friendliest of environments and, to top it off, I work with mainly all women. It seems that whenever there's a lot of women working together in an office like this one, there's a lot of bull shit that goes on. Sorry for the vulgarity, but I just get annoyed with it all. Not only that, but everyone has to know everything about everyone else. I admit, I can be curious too. Maybe this is a stereotype, but I think women tend to be more nosy about others than men are. As a bonus, there's a lot of bitchy attitudes here as well. Did I win the prize or what, when I was hired for this job?

Frankly, I don't think it's a good situation for someone like myself to be in. I tend to be a people pleaser. I want people to like be and sometimes I think I'm too nice. People can sense that and they walk all over me. Even the people I had thought were almost like friends here, I'm starting to question what they really are to me. I don't know, maybe I'm being stupid, or taking things too seriously, but I have my doubts.

I've mentioned my co-worker, W., in a couple of my posts. While I do like her, I'm a little confused about how she is treating me. Lately, it seems like she is really only concerned about her own interests. She'll socialize with me when it's convenient for her, otherwise I barely get a moment. Obviously, if she doesn't want to talk, I'm not going to force her to. I'm not going to be one of those clingy people that don't get that the other person doesn't want part of a friendship or what have you. I know that can be annoying. Honestly, I don't think she doesn't like me, but I feel like she could kind of take or leave me.

Then there's C. and S. I used to go to lunch with them both, but now I go usually by myself. That changed after the whole little episode with W and T, my supervisor. Anyway, that's actually ok with me. However, the issue I have with them both is that they both are two of the more nosy people here, especially C. Also , C comes across as a little rude at times. I'll give you an example of this. This morning, I came into work with my hair curly. Usually, I wake up, take out my flat iron, and do my best to straighten it out. Today I woke up and thought it looked acceptable curly so I didn't bother to straighten it. I got to work and I received some compliments on how my hair looked. I stop to talk to C. and S. and, of course, leave it to C. to bring me down. S. says " I like your hair curly" and so I thank her . I tell her that actually I prefer my hair straight. At that moment, C decides to perk up and give her 2 cents. she has this look on her face and she goes, "No, I don't like your hair straight". Ok, so this isn't that big of a deal, but it bothers me for some reason. Instead of just letting it be at "your hair looks nice", she has to bring a whole negative connotation to it all. I know it's just her opinion and maybe she thought she was just being honest, but it annoyed me. I wouldn't go up to her and say that .

That's why I feel that if you are too nice, people feel like they can do, say, and get away with whatever they want. In a way, I feel it's better to be the type of person who doesn't take no crap from anyone. It's hard to balance being a likeable person and also not being a doormat. I'm trying to find that balance....haven't found it yet. :(

Monday, December 12, 2005

It's Monday...I hate Mondays, especially after the type of weekend I had. Basically, it was a crazy-busy weekend :( . I don't think I had a moment to just sit and relax or take a break. Every minute was filled up...and while I like being busy, I don't like feeling crazed, rushed, and scatter-brained. But that was me this weekend, especially on Saturday.

Friday night, out of stupidity, I decided to baby-sit, even though I knew that my coding certification test was early Saturday. Everything went fine at my baby-sitting gig, except that the roads were a little slick from all the snow we received (something like 8 inch at least) and I was late...but that's typical me. Luckily, the parents came back early and I was home by 10 pm. However, instead of getting to work and studying, I got distracted. I was online for awhile and I had my music on. Finally around 11:30, I got out some notes and briefly looked over them. Then instead of getting a good night's rest, I decided I needed to find a necklace to match my outfit for the following evening. Well, of course, the last place I looked was where I finally found it. By the time I went to bed it was after 1 am- eek! :(

Saturday, I had to be at the hospital at 8 am . Of course, I wasn't completely prepared so I was rushing around trying to get things done. I ended up getting to the room at about 8:10. Again, it didn't seem to matter much, the tests weren't passed out yet and people were just getting their books and supplies together at that point. We started the test at about 8:50. And finished it about 2 pm. Can I just say "OMG!" That was totally not what I had expected at all. Our instructor for the course said that the final we took was much hard- which is SO untrue. I aced the final, it really wasn't that bad at all. This, on the other hand, was awful. It was so hard and I basically ran out of time. I highly doubt I passed it. There were just too many questions I made random guesses on and the ones I was able to take my time and answer, I still wasn't sure or confident in my answers. So it will not be a surprise if I get the news that I failed. Good thing about this is that they do let you take it again. However, I was truly hoping that I wouldn't have to do that. I'm disappointed in myself and, to top it off, I can't stand the thought of having to sit for another 5 hour test. Definitely not my idea of fun :( .

After the test, I was really in a pissy mood, and not in the mood to deal with anyone, but I run back to my apartment, to say hello to my dad and also to pick up clothes to change into after the gym. When I get there, I cannot find my keys anywhere. I admit, there's a lot of crap and junk in my car, so finding anything is a bit of a challenge. After looking through everything...even through things where I knew that they wouldn't be, and running in and out of my apartment, I finally find them. I am just about to drive myself back to the hospital, where I took the test, when I find them lying on the floor. By this time, I am late (surprise, surprise), I was supposed to meet my sister at the mall at 2:30. I don't end showing up until 3- I can't find her anywhere. Finally after waiting at least 15 minutes...I spot her. She didn't think I was showing up, so she continued on with her. I guess I can't blame her for that. Of course, I don't get any of my own Christmas shopping done, so going there was really a waste of time and energy. At this point, I am ready to cry. It's just been a hell of a day. SO I leave.

I need my workout so badly after all this. I need to burn off some frustration and release some stress. I was only able to spend about 45 minutes working out, but it helped a lot. I took my shower and changed for the company Christmas party I was later attending. I rush home to do my hair and realize that I don't like my outfit I had picked out after all. I do manage to find something else after pulling several other things off their hanger and run out at about 7 to meet D. (I wrote about him in a different post, my friend W. from work set me up with him.) Well, I decided to invite him to the party. As if I didn't have enough to be nervous and stressed out about, I was nervous about this social gathering and then bringing him as my "date". I enter the parking lot where we are meeting and I notice a guy by his car. I've met him before, but it's dark and I'm not certain it's him. I decide to go out and walk to the front of the store where we talked about meeting. As I'm walking, I hear the guy I spotted before, calling out to me. We decide that he's going to leave his car there and drive with me. The ride there was fine...I could sense he was nervous, but we chit-chatted until we get to the community center. Finding a parking spot was a bit of a challenge, but we manage to create our own :) and then we enter the building.

I admit, I was nervous. I didn't know a lot of the people there (aside from my billing department), I didn't know if I would feel comfortable with D., and I didn't know if we'd have fun. Things, at first, were weird and a bit awkward. I felt like I was being pulled in several directions. I saw W. and her husband and talked with them a bit. I ran into Cat and Kat., K. was very clingy to me...I guess she was just as nervous about being there as I was. Then I met up with C and her husband. D. and C's husband seemed to hit it off. They socialized throughout the night. We also ate and danced with them as well.

I surprised myself...I had a pretty good time. I can't believe I actually got out on the floor, danced, and let myself cut loose a bit. I think being that we were in a group (and the fact that I had a drink and a half :) ) helped some. The only think I am uncertain about is D. I don't know how he feels about me. I am really not good when it comes to reading guys. I think he likes me or at least think I'm nice, but I'm not sure how exactly he sees me. One thing that was cute, was as we were leaving he said, "let me take your hand, so you don't slip on the ice". And I think he does want to get together again. He wants to double with C and her husband, so maybe he is interested. I also received a brief email from him today, but it was so short and to the point. I couldn't tell how exactly he felt Saturday went. Ugh..why do guys have to be so hard to figure out? LOL :) Well, I guess I'm not going to worry about it too much...whatever happens, happens.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Ever wake up and know immediately that you are going to be high? Not high as in high on life or high on some mind altering substance...,no, I mean waking up to a high blood sugar...which is absolutely something I hate. But this is what happened this morning. I guess I kind of expected it, it wasn't something completely out of the blue. And I know why it happened.

I woke up in the early hours of the morning, used the rest room, and then somehow found myself in the kitchen. Before I knew it, I was in the 'fridgerator, getting out food to eat. I don't feel like I totally lost control, though I was half sleeping(so who knows what I was exactly aware of), but I don't think so. I know I ate at least 1 whole wheat wrap with a little (I hope) butter on it. I woke up with that high know, dry mouth and the feeling like I needed to use the rest room again. I tested and the not-so-winning number was a not-so-grand 275! Grrr! :( Not how I wanted to start this day, but I corrected it and hopefully it won't take me the whole day to bring it down, like it sometimes does.

I really hope it's not one of those difficult days, blood sugar wise or otherwise speaking, but I have a feeling that it's going to end up being that way...especially concerning work. I think I need to vent about it, b/c I'm not sure what exactly I should do in this situation. Yesterday, a friend of mine, W., invited me to go to lunch with her. So around 12, we both went out. Now we only get a half hour, so we both have to rush around a bit. She has a lot of stuff she tries to get done at lunch and, lately, I've gone with her for company. Anyway, so yesterday, we get back and go back to our cubicles. Almost at quitting time, which is 4:30 for us, she calls me for a minute just to see how I'm doing. We were on the phone for like one minute, two minutes tops. All of a sudden, I hear my supervisor, T. , talking to her with a very annoyed tone of voice. I guess he said that he's been trying to buzz her, and from his tone of voice, you can tell he has no patience. He kept repeating how he had been trying to buzz her and how she has been on the phone forever. He tells her that he wants to see her in her office, but she tells him that she isn't going after the attitude he just gave her. So after he leaves her area, I go over there, b/c I feel responsible for this little incident. W. assures me that it wasn't my fault. He is annoyed that she is helping another of our co-workers and not doing what he wants her to do. As I'm going back to my seat, T. storms by me, nearly knocks me over, and heads to my friend, W's desk. He slams done an account number that he wants her to work on. I can hear this from here.

Eventually, things die down and it's about time for me to go. As I'm leaving, T. calls me into the office and tells me to close the door. Basically, he wanted to ask me about my lunch break. At the beginning, I was going at 1:30, but when I go with W., it changes. We have to stagger lunch, so that there's phone coverage. But whenever I go, there is always two people to answer phones, which is more than enough. We aren't that busy with patient phone calls either. He tells me that he wants me to keep going at my regularly scheduled time and not go whenever W. goes and come back after 45 min, instead of our 30 min. we are allowed. This takes me aback for a minute...I don't know how to respond. I said, I don't think we were gone for 45 minutes, but he assures me we were. I know we were a little late, but I didn't think 15 min late, I highly doubt that. Anyway, he wants to know why I'm going at different times now. I tell him, I didn't think it was a big deal when I went to lunch, b/c there's always phone coverage. Then he tells me that it isn't about phone coverage or even the time, he said there is more to it, but he doesn't want to go into the details. Obviously, I'm getting that he doesn't want me going with W., that's really what this is all about.

I don't understand how he can tell me who I can talk to or hang out with. He is not my father and I don't think he has a right to do that. Plus, it puts me in an awkward position. What am I supposed to say to my friend? "Oh, sorry, I'm not allowed to go with you to lunch?" That's ridiculous. Not to mention, that this person is a friend of mine here, and I enjoy going to lunch with her. It's totally unfair and unreasonable. I can understand if he said, I need you to keep going at your regularly scheduled time or for coverage reasons, but the only reason is that he doesn't want me going with W.

I feel like there's more to this all than they are both letting on and, frankly, I don't want to be in the middle of it. However, I don't know how I should handle this. From now on, I'm going to lunch at 1 pm, but if W. decides to go at that time too, I think he's going to be upset. It's going to definitely seem like I told her. I admit, I did, she has a right to know, but maybe it's going to lead to more trouble than it's all worth. Seems like there's no escaping drama no matter what you do or where you are.

Friday, December 02, 2005

This week had been a bit of a bummer. It's fair to say that I have been a mess, emotionally and physically, but I'm hoping that things will improve from here. I've basically been dealing with crazy, erratic blood sugars, stress and tension with family, and lack of sleep among other things.

Blood sugar wise, I've been doing poorly this week. My numbers have been way beyond high and I'm having an extremely difficult time moderating them. I don't know exactly what's going on, but since Wednesday of last week until today, things have been out of whack and it's driving me crazy. Part of the problem may be that I have that wonderful time of the month. I know when your hormones are acting up, it affects blood sugar readings. It's done this in the past for me, but not usually to this level. Things have been worse than usual or at least that's how it seems. When I have "my friend" (or maybe I should say enemy), I also become even more emotional and tired. Plus many times, I'll have horrible cramps as well. Gee, can it get any better? I'm considering trying Seasonale. The thought of only having to deal with this all only 4 times a year definitely appeals to me...but I don't know if it would affect my blood sugars more than regular birth control. I've tried other types, but I had to stop because my cramps only worsened on them, which I find odd. Isn't it supposed to make cramps less of a problem? I don't know, but I want to ask my Endo about it and see what he suggests.

Then the fact that I'm hormonal (and all it's wonderful symptoms) hasn't helped my relationships. Frankly, let's just say, I haven't been a gem to deal with. My poor Mom had to take the brunt of my frustration, as I have discussed in a recent posting. I'm not saying it's not my fault. I know I'm responsible for how I behave, but this doesn't help. I tend to lose control of my emotions and I can't cope with the frustration. The other night, I was so tense (though I'm not sure from what) I couldn't stop eating. I don't know why it happened, I wasn't hungry, but I couldn't stop. I ate a LOT of nuts and then I moved on to pretzels from there. The next morning I woke up to a lovely blood sugar of over 400 (yikes :o( ). It took most of the day to bring it down. Then, of course, I felt guilty and horrible about it... Ugh. I thought I was over doing that. I guess not.

So I guess you can see why I'm glad this week is over. It's been a rough one. This weekend will be pretty busy too, but at least things will be more low key than if I was working. I'm looking forward to the weekend- hopefully it will be a big improvement from the last few days.