Sunday, December 28, 2003

Well...Christmas has come and gone :( I can't believe it's over! I can't say that it was our happiest one just was Ok. I can't complain about the gifts I got, I got more than I had hoped for, but it just didn't seem all that joyous and that's the way I always hope Christmas to be. No matter what, Christmas is never as nice and exciting as it is when you are a child. I guess that's what happens when you become an adult. I also had to deal with blood sugar issues both Thursday and Friday. Thursday, my levels started off elevated and only got worse as the day went on. Friday was even worse, unfortunately. It seems like whenever there's some occasion, controlling my diabetes gets harder. I don't know, maybe it has to do with the stress of it all. It's a little better now, but not always where I would like it to be.

Besides that, everything is about the same. Work is the same as always, I'm still looking for something else. Who knows if that will make me happier, I can't say what will. Happiness seems so elusive sometimes, why does that sound familiar, maybe I heard it or read it somewhere.

Keara is home and is ok sometimes, and is not ok sometimes. I guess that just her. She is dealing with the move better than I thought she would, but I am not there with her all the time so I don't know if she is really handling this as well as I think she is .

Cynthia is dating someone now...I don't think I have mentioned it. She seems to spend a whole lot of time with him. I don't know hardly anything about him, but if she's happy than I guess that's what matters.

Monday, December 22, 2003

Today was madly crazy. It was so busy, must be b/c of it being Christmas week. I bet it will be this way the whole rest of the week too. I have to say that there's such a difference when Kathy's here and it's this busy than when it's just me and Marie. Marie and I get along so much better and work well together. Even though it was so busy, I wasn't nearly as grouchy as I was last Monday.

I am still planning on looking for a better job, I think this one is ok at times, but I can't deal with it when it's so busy and nobody helps me. Hopefully, they'll be more after the holidays.

Keara was oddly nice to my Mom, I think part of what I said to her might have sunk in. I hope she continues to be nice to her. Mom doesn't need to deal with extra stress in her life. It's not good for her. I guess we'll see what happens after Christmas.

Friday, December 19, 2003

I haven't written since Monday, I guess I've been sort of busy with work, shopping, and the daily grind. Hard to believe, but Christmas is this Thursday. I can't believe it. I mean I love Christmas time, but for some reason it doesn't feel like it's really here. Maybe b/c I've had a lot occupying my mind, family, my health, etc.

Speaking of family, Keara is being difficult. I really feel bad for my Mom, she gets the worst of it. Keara is absolutely HORRIBLE to her, I think b/c she knows how much it bothers my mom. Sometimes it really makes me want to cry when I see how she treats her. Either that or smack her. I just can't stand her obnoxious, self-centered, and selfish attitude. Everything centers on her and it's really a bad way to be. I don't know how things will be once they move, I think she really needs to be on her own. She is not happy in the house, and my parents are not happy with her there. I hope she had a reality check and soon.

Other than that, there's work. It's not fun and I'm not looking forward to it tomorrow, but I guess it's something I have to do. I hope something comes up better that I enjoy and do well at. That would be a great Christmas present, if I can't have my health back or happiness.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Some days I really HATE my job! :( Today was one of those days. It was just incredibly busy all day and of course Marie happened to be off today. Mondays tend to be busy as is, but then when we are short staffed it makes it so much harder. Not to mention Kathy was being her lazy self. It really annoys me how she will sit on her fat ass and keep saying how this day sucks, but there I was working nonstop. I wanted to say to her, "oh, you're busy?! I am the one doing everything!" What she mostly did was chit chat with Tracy the whole time. If I talked to Tracy about how Kathy isn't pulling her weight, I don't think she would do a damn thing about it. What is also aggravating is that she will actually get off her butt a little bit when Tracy is around, but as soon as Tracy walks away she is back to doing nothing. It's so annoying and transparent! I was so exhausted after everything was said and done. I mean I know this job was never going to be a permanent thing for me, but now I am worried about finding something else and wondering if I could go from a bad situation to a worse one. :(

I tried to get all my stress out on the gym. It didn't really work out that way. I got to my parents still in a bad mood. Then they made a couple comments about my job which sent me off the deep end. I know my job really isn't that stressful, it's basically just things like my co-workers that get to me. I know I shouldn't let them bother me, but it does. I can't just run away from these things, I seem to do that any time things get a little tough and then it ends up repeating itself again and again. It's not a good thing and I know that has to change. All I want is something good in my life, whether it be through my work, my health, my friends, or love. I don't think that is too much to ask for. So if anyone asks me what I want for Christmas I think one of those things would be it, though I would never say that out loud.

Friday, December 12, 2003

One of my days off is over :( Wah! Why do they always end so quickly. Happily, I do have next Friday off too, but I know that will be over before I know it too. Today, was just an ok day. I went to the gym this morning, then I spent the rest of the morning on the computer. I did go to Stew's-what else is new?-and then I waited for Keara to get home. She is just starting her break from college. I don't know what she is going to do during it, maybe she'll do nothing at all. Unfortunately, she'll probably have to do some packing...I don't think she'll take that very well. She was already crying today, so it probably won't be such a relaxing break for her. I just hope we can have a happy holiday together. Anyway, after she came home and relaxed a bit we went to the gym, yes, I went back again...but I needed to. I seem to have no self-control lately when it come to food, no wonder I keep gaining! I hope I can get some and some will power would help too. Tonite, Mom, Keara and I went to the mall. I did get some more shopping done. That's a good thing, Christmas is less than 2 weeks away...yikes!

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Today was my day off, it's over now. It was relatively low key. At the end of the day, I went to my branch's Christmas party at Belzoni's. Of course, I ate too much, but I guess that's ok. The whole thing was just OK, the conversation was kind of boring, but what can you do. Marie never showed up. I don't think she wanted to, though she used some excuse about her son being sick. Still, her husband's there with him and what could she really do for him. Oh well.

Tomorrow is back to work, unfortunately. Luckily, I have Friday off. I need to do some more shopping. Hopefully, I'll get most of it done. Also, Keara comes home this weekend so we'll see how that goes.

Monday, December 08, 2003

I am such an emotional basket case, it's disgusting. I wish I could toughen up a little, b/c I am sick of being this way. Today I was totally feeling down and depressed, and I really don't think I really have a good reason for it. I talked with Mom today, and I now see that for awhile I was blaming my mood on a talk I had with her this morning. We started talking about gratitude for everything we have. I know I should feel grateful for any blessings I have, but all I could think about is everything I don't have. I have a sh%tty job, I barely afford my tiny, very basic apt., I don't have many friends, and on top of everything else and probably most significant is trying and sometimes unsuccessfully managing my Diabetes. That really upsets me the most. I guess before my diagnosis, I took my health for granted, but now I realize that with your heath you can do anything. I don't feel like I have it anymore. Along with that conversation, the only explanation I can think of for my emotional state is hormones, blood sugar levels, the season, and just overall tiredness. It has affected how I have been feeling all day. I have almost burst into tears several times at work today, and I know it's b/c I am feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I really overindulged in throwing a pity party for myself. God, I wish I could be a little tougher emotionally.
Well after a very snowy weekend, it's back to work. :( I have to leave in like 5 minutes, even though I much rather stay home and do nothing. I just hope today goes smoothly. I'm sure it will be busy, b/c it's Monday, but also Marie is off today. This usually means I will be working twice as hard. Oh well.

The weekend was actually more productive than I thought it would be. As I have already written, Saturday was a snow day, but actually I didn't let the snow stop me. I already mentioned that I did several things Saturday and then Sunday I met Jen at Olive Garden, and then I went to the mall for a bit. I got a little more Christmas shopping done, and then I went to the gym and finally to Mom's and Dad's for dinner. I guess I was relatively busy.

Keara comes home soon from school. I have a lot of mixed feelings about that. I do like seeing her, when she's in a nice mood, but sometimes she can be kind of mean. Also, since Mom and Dad are moving, I don't think she is going to be the happiest she's been. I just hope it doesn't ruin the holiday for everyone.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

I'm so done with snow. That's all it's done today, and I'm already sick of it. You'd think Chase would close for the safety of it's employees, but of course not! I was there, as were Johanna and Kathy. It wasn't that bad, but if I didn't have to go, I wouldn't have. Anyway, I still managed to get some done today even with the snow. I went to the gym after work. Surprisingly, I wasn't the only idiot there. Then I went to the store and blockbuster. I also cleaned my apt. It needed t so bad. I just hope this blizzard ends soon.

Tomorrow I hope to get to the mall, I really have to. I barely put a dent in my Christmas shopping. I might meet Jen as well if I can dig myself out of the snow, and if she doesn't cancel. Those are 2 big IFS. Other than that, this weekend will probably be over in a flash.

Friday, December 05, 2003

God, I am so tired today. Maybe it's because it was a long day. Friday's always seem longer than any other day for some reason, even though the work day is just an hour longer. It actually wasn't too crazy today, which is very good. I hate when it gets so busy that I don't have a moment to take a breath. Also, it seemed to go by quickly. After work, I went straight to the gym, did not pass go and did not collect 200 dollars... I got home, hoping I didn't have to babysit, of course was wrong and had to get back in my car in the snow and make my way to the Thuss's. I wasn't really in the mood. After the gym, I experienced a bad low. It was so bad, I didn't know if I would make it to my car. I did and made it to my apt, where all I wanted was to eat something. I'm sure I wasn't too pleasant to Vicki when she stopped me for a moment, that's what happens when I get that low.

Tommorow it looks like more snow...too bad. :( I don't like it one bit. It's going to ruin the weekend. Not that I have too much planned, but I wanted to head to the mall at least. Maybe I can Sunday, I'm going to try at least.

Monday, December 01, 2003

Sometimes I really don't like Kathy. Today was fine until we were balancing out at the end of the day. I was so much busier than her, so I never really got to fully balance til the end of the day. Meanwhile, Kathy, who is such a slacker and is unbelievably lazy, decides to tell me she needs this and that at that instant. Then when everyone was finished with what they had to do, they just stood there, while I finished up. No one offered to help me. Meanwhile, I am so much more helpful to her, as is Marie, and it goes unappreciated. I guess that's how she is. I keep telling myself that this situation will not be forever.

Other than that, the weekend came and went as every weekend does. Sat. I worked with Kathy and it was basically fine. Then I did my usual Saturday routine, and later in the evening we went to Ruby Tuesday's in the mall. It was alright. Nothing that knocked my socks off, but it was nice to go out for a change. Sunday Mom and I spent some time together. I went to church with her, which I thought would never end, then I went to the gym, Kohl's , and Stop and Shop. It was kind of dull and uneventful, but at least I got to spend time with Mom. That was the best part of the day.

I don't know how I am going to feel when they actually move further than 5 minutes away. It's so nice to be this close to them in town. I know I will especially miss Mom, just seeing her so often is such a nice thing for me. I guess my true feelings will come out when it actually happens. I think I can handle it, but it's going to take time, I'm sure.

Tomorrow's another day at work. :( At least, Marie will be back and I can vent to her a little that always helps a little. She likes to commiserate with me. As they say, Misery loves Company.