So yesterday was the day that would NOT end at work. Today was a big improvement, but I was so restless and, maybe, a little tired. I started yawning and I couldn't stop! I always say I'm going to go to sleep early, but then I usually find myself up way past 11 pm. Then I regret it the next day when it's time to wake up. I also think the last two days have been a drag, b/c I'm bored. I don't know how people can do this job so long. I don't see myself doing this long term whatsoever, but I can't just quit...like I might have done in the past. I've got bills! Oh, the responsibilities of being an adult- fun, fun, fun :o)

I was chatting with my Mom on the phone yesterday about career, and she totally understands how I feel. She knows that people spend a great deal of time at work and how it's so important to enjoy what you are doing, b/c of that fact. I absolutely agree. I don't want to be at work as much as I am, if I can't stand what I am doing. I know sometimes other factors come into play and make it difficult for people to just up and leave a job, but I just don't want to be stuck doing something I hate.

I'm considering looking into classes to become a registered dietician. I've always been interested in nutrition and food, so maybe that's the right path for me. I haven't begun researching anything yet, but at least I have something I am seriously considering. The only thing I'm a little uncertain of is whether I am truly motivated to go through school again. Even though I have a bachelor's degree in Psychology, it would probably mean going through another bachelor's program and probably even a Master's. In addition to the motivation factor, is the money factor- and that is a BIG one! Can I put myself through school- is it feasible? I don't know the answer to that. Hopefully, I'll be able to answer these questions as I carry out my research, but I hope I just can decide on something and go after it. I'm sick of being so wishy- washy (for lack of better terms) about things. I hate that about myself. Anyway, it doesn't hurt to inform myself about this and then I'll take things from there.

I finally sent in my letter to MM for reimbursement for the expenses I incurred on my vacation. I seriously doubt they will do much to help me,but I wanted to sent that letter in anyway. I even wonder if I"ll get a response. You never know.

Something bad...I'm pretty much out of insulin until my insurance kicks in, which will be Oct. 1st. However, I did have a resevoir of about 100 units left that I had put away in the fridge. I had thought it had been bad insulin, but I couldn't bring myself to throw it out. Now, I'm glad I didn't...it seems to be working ok anyways. Hopefully, it will keep til Sat. when I get get my 'scripts. I also thought I was out of test strips. So think about that, having insulin which you aren't sure is effective and no test strips- not a good combination! Luckily, I did have one more vial of strips left, phew! I know if I didn't have strips or good insulin, I'd have to break down and buy it out of pocket, but I hate having to do that. I'm not as pinched for money as I was, but it isn't exactly growing on trees for me either.

Tomorrow is Wednesday,which means I've made it half way thru the week- Yay!. I know when I get past it, things generally go ok. I just don't really like them, b/c they used to be my day off. Now I have to work 5 days straight, so it really isn't as fun. I guess I'll manage, but when I wake up at 6:30 tomorrow, I'll be cursing myself for giving up Wednesdays! :(

I've been posting a lot more recently than I have in the past. I guess there's a lot of things on my mind. This seems to be a good outlet to express oneself and share things as well. Something I do want to address regards comments on my blog. I do like receiving comments on my blogs or even just comments in general, I'm always interested in hearing what others have to say, especially if it's related to Diabetes. Saying that, however, I don't appreciate others posting comments about visiting their own site. This is not a place to advertise your own blog or website...so please do not do this here. Ok, I needed to say that. I hope that those who have done that and those who were thinking of doing that, will respect my wishes and not do that any more. Moving on now...

Anyway, it's a Saturday nite, and I'm home. I guess I'm not surprised. I usually don't have plans...I guess that's typical for me. It's weird, b/c I do look forward to the weekends during the normal work week, but then I also dread it. Does that make sense? I think that's b/c I know that I really don't have a lot of things going on in my personal life and that kind of sucks ;( . I wonder if that's the way it's always going to be for me. My sisters are a little more outgoing and maybe even more socially skilled than me. I think I lack the knack for meeting and socializing with people I don't really know. It's kind of lost on me. I tend to freeze up in certain social settings. In the past, I was social phobic, but I don't know if I would call it that nowadays. I know I've made a lot of progress, but I still feel that there is definitely plenty of room for improvement. I just wish I was better suited at talking with others or that I was more outgoing. Life is tougher when you are quiet, shy, and an introvert. I've pretty much accepted that that's how I am and will probably always be, but that doesn't mean that I can't wish things were different.

Speaking of such a situation, I was at the gym this week and this girl I am acquainted with from the bank came in. We started talking a little bit, though I'm sure she must have thought I am a dork (which I readily admit :p ). It was just general chit chat, but then her friend J. came up and kind of interrupted our conversation. It was weird...I didn't know how to react. Should I join in or tune out and go back to my workout. Well, guess what I chose? Of course, I chose to just go back to my workout, probably b/c I didn't want seem like a dork in front of this guy and also due to the fact that I'm just too darn shy around guys! Anyways, I didn't tune out completely. I was still kind of listening to their conversation...they were talking about dating (my fav. subject- NOT) and all of a sudden she had turned her attention to me. She asked me if I am dating anyone...which is NO...and if I ever would go to a singles night at a bar...which again I said NO to. Then I thought, yeah, that's what I would typically do...avoid uncomfortable social situations at all costs. But would it kill me to go out and try to get to know others? The answer? Probably not and hey, I might actually get to know this girl too. I blew that, as usual. UGH, typical me, letting my insecurities get the best of me. I told my sister K about all this, and she rolled her eyes, which I guess is fitting.

Oh, one thing that was funny in our conversation was that she asked me about high school and what year I graduated. She said she knows a few people from my year and actually mention the guy I had a crush on for most of my time in school. He's actually pursuing writing in Colorado, which is very cool. He such a cute, smart, talented, and, did I mention, cute guy? I haven't thought about him for awhile...and I guess I'm not as obsessed with him as I was in school, but I do wonder about him at times.

More venting about career... I was working some more on Friday with my co-worker Shar. She was saying how she hopes her daughters don't follow in her and her husband's footsteps...how she hopes that they pursue more of a career. Does that mean that what I am doing now is not a career? Well, I guess not. I mean there's really no growth potential. A and T are the only managers in the billing dept. I don't see a need for more and, also, I don't think they will be leaving anytime soon. So that's that. I should also mention that when I was talking with the girl at the gym, we chatted a bit about career. She is teaching middle school in New Milford and she loves it. As you might know, I had been an elem. ed. major in college all the way up to senior year and student teaching. Once I got to student teaching, I realized it wasn't what I wanted to do. In reality, I chickened out. I guess I was afraid of failing (another insecurity :( ). Plus, I think I thought there was too much work involved with teaching and I wasn't motivated to do it. I guess you could say laziness was partially responsible for me quitting teaching. Then I think, well if I really wanted to do it, wouldn't I be so motivated to do everything, no matter how much work was required? That's a question I don't know the answer to. Even right now, I don't know if I should have stuck with it. But I do wonder what things would be like if I did. I know it's not too late, I could still pursue teaching, but I'm really uncertain of whether it's something I want to do. I wish knowing what I want to do with my life and actually doing it was easier. Why does everything have to be so difficult for me? I feel like I am the type of person who never is truly happy, which I really hate about myself.

This turned out to be a pretty long entry, but I think I needed to get these things off my chest. I wanted to end this blog with some song lyrics, which I thought maybe was cheesy, but heck I'm gonna do it anyways :) . This is Kelly Clarkson's new song... I think it adequately relates to everything I've posted tonight.


Because of You... By Kelly Clarkson

I lose my way,
And it's not too long before you point it out,
I cannot cry,
because I know that's weakness in your eyes.
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life!
My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with!

Because of you,
I never stray too far from the sidewalk.
Because of you,
I learned to play on the safe side, so I don't get hurt.
Because of you,
I find it hard to trust, not only me, but everyone around me.
Because of you...
I am afraid...

I'm feeling a little on edge tonight...though I don't know exactly why. I think it's because I'm starting to get bombarded with stuff to do at work. I'm still not feeling completely at ease with working on BC, but now I have M/C. Today I went in, planning on doing some BC stuff, but Shar. my co-worker, said that I needed to work on MC. I don't know how I'm going to juggle everything, but I got to make something work. I guess I also didn't like the fact that Shar kind of gave me a little attitude, but maybe she's just worried about covering her own but. I go to learn this stuff at some point, but, frankly, it's not the easiest stuff to understand. I keep saying that it's going to sink it eventually, but I'm not that sure. I certainly hope so.

I didn't update what happened with MiniMed. I got an email back from the rep who was going to try and get me the demo pump and, of course, that didn't work out. He didn't really give me a reaon for why, but I sort of guessed that he wouldn't be able to do much for me. He did mention the fact that I can do the Paradigm Pathway program...that is, pay the fee for the upgrade. Yes, I know I can do that, but so can any average Joe. How does that show that they care and are willing to help me after everything I went through. I don't think it shows that at all and I wrote that in my reply to him. I doubt I'll get a response, but I wanted to let him know how I felt.

I also wanted to mention that I spoke to that guy my family wants to set me up with. The conversation was very strange, but I think that's due to my phone's battery going on and driving at the same time. He sounded ok, kind of dorky, but we really didn't talk that long. My phone kept breaking up. I asked if he would call me back in 30 minutes, but I never heard from him so maybe he changed his mind about going out...which is ok, I guess.

The weekend is over yet again. :( :( :( I guess it had to end at some point, but why do they always go so quickly. It doesn't seem right! My weekend was kind of on the slow side... I really didn't do that much and I guess I was hoping it would be better. I guess it could be worse. It could always be worse.

Some new stuff...my Mom and my Grandma want to set me up with some guy they met. I guess my Grandma had a plumber over last Thursday and, since my Grandma's a talker, they started talking. He saw some of the pictures of us (my sisters and myself), and I guess he mentioned that he would like to meet us. Now, to me, that sounds strange, but my mom and grandma seem to think that it's perfectly normal. Yesterday, he called and left a message for me, but I didn't talk to him. I'm a little skeptical about doing, it just doesn't jive with me for some reason. Maybe it's b/c I think it's kind of embarrassing that my Mom and GM had to set me up. I mean, I think it's ok if it's your friends doing that, but family, eh, I don't think so. Who knows, though I may not hear from him again so it may not matter.

I was thinking more about this job. Honestly, I don' t think it's what I really want to do long term. Yes, it's better money than I have gotten in a long time, but if you don't enjoy the job, is it worth it? I still don't feel completely comfortable with what I'm doing and I don't know how long the excuses "I'm new" is going to last. I keep hoping it's going to sink in, but I really don't know that. I'm doing the best I can and I guess that's all I can do. I thinking, if I'm still there by summer, to ask if I can work 4 nine hour days (no lunch). It sounds like a lot, but I think it would be worth it to have that day off during the week. We'll see...a lot could change by then.

Diabetes wise...I've posted how I have let things slip lately. Well, I'm definitely trying to improve things for myself. I'm working on testing more and definitely logging my numbers and readings. I can't believe how lazy I've been about doing that. I mean, how hard is it to write down your blood sugar readings? That's probably the easiest part of managing this disease and I'm not even trying, well, I wasn't. Hopefully, with more effort I can get a better handle on things and see good results :) .

I think I have lost control over my diabetes . Lately, things haven't been so hot regarding my management of this disease. I feel disappointed and angry that I've let myself slip so much . It seems whenever I test now, most likely the reading I will get will be high.

Today, I went to a grocery store that usually puts out samples for the customer. It happens that there was a lot of good stuff out when I visited and I did help myself. Then I had a salad for lunch, which basically consisted of lettuce, cucumber, red onion, a little wild rice, and a red. fat raspberry vinagrette. I came home 5 hours after and my blood sugar was 350! I couldn't believe it, I did bolus for the salad which I thought would be more than enough and yet I was much too high. Now, yes, some might say don't worry too much about it if it's an isolated matter, but this happens to me way more than it should. Often it's when I try to eat healthy, like a salad. I must admit that I think salads can be tricky to bolus for . A lot depends on what you put in a salad so many times I guess at how much to bolus and the far majority of the time I am wrong :. Lately, I've been eating salads a lot, so it's a problem.

Another issue is that I haven't been testing as much lately. I'll test maybe 3 or 4 times tops on a given day. Then to make matters worse, I don't keep log of my sugars...which I find really stupid . Keeping log is probably the easiest part of managing this disease and for some odd reason it's hard for me to pick up a pen and write down my number. I don't know if it's just pure laziness or what, but to do that is a major chore. Plus, someone had very generously given me a cable for downloading my sugars and I still haven't tried to use it! I'm so aggravated with myself right now .

I wish I knew why I've grown so lax with managing things . I don't think I'm living in denial. I know what can happen to me if I let things continue (and it scares the hell out of me! ). I think it is more likely a lack of motivation. I just can't seem to get into controlling this disease better. I know that's a sucky excuse, but that's my problem right now. My A1c is more than overdue by now (i have my apt. next month)and frankly, I am a bit afraid of what the results will be. I know that they won't be where I would like. I was thinking that maybe the results will help me to see how far off things are and will push me to try harder and improve things, but I don't think I should let things wait. Things need to change now.

It's Sunday, about 5 pm...can't believe the weekend is almost over :( boo hoo! It actually was a pretty nice weekend. I didn't do a heck of a lot, but what else is new. I have no social life, lol. I spent this weekend sleeping in late, going to the gym, baby-sitting, running errands, and cleaning up. I'm so happy...I just about finished cleaning out my closets. I have so much clothes I accumulated over time that is just taking up space. That's definitely not a good thing when your apartment is as small as mine is. I still have a ton of clothes, but at least it's an improvement.

Tomorrow starts another work week. I keep thinking I should be excited about my job, but sadly I'm not. In fact, I sort of look upon it with a lot of hesitation. Granted, this is only my 3rd week, but still. I mean, one should have a feel for whether they like things or not. Ok, I don't hate it (not yet anyways), but it's not something I love or even really like. I don't know maybe I'll feel differently after this week. I think part of the problem is that the people aren't as friendly as I thought originally and then there are also the managers. I'm assuming they are mangers, A &T, A doesn't really seem that nice and T, well, he barely has said 2 words to me. He only will grumble for me to work on something and then he'll leave. I mean that's fine with me, but neither really make you feel at ease.

I guess the real problem is that I don't know what I want to do with my life. I keep saying I want a fun job, but what that is, I don't really know. I would like to do something like be a Diabetes Educator. I think that would be something I would enjoy and even be good at. However,I think you have to have some other specialty as well. I do have a BA in psychology,but I don't know if that qualifies. I guess it's something to look into anyways. I should try to explore that option a little further. Obviously it wouldn't be something I would do right now, but maybe somewhere down the line. Or the other idea I was considering was being a backup singer. I think that would be fun. I think I have an ok voice, and I enjoy singing. But I don't even know how to get into something like that. Do you have to go to some kind of music school or what? Well, I guess I do have some kind of idea after all. Now it's just following through and making things happen. That's the hard part.

Well, I made it through another work week at my new job...ok, techinically only 4 days, but that's b/c Monday was Labor day. I have to say working only four days makes the week go a lot faster. As for how things are goin. I guess ok. I'm trying to learn and pick up everything, but I'm still a little lost. That's probably to be expected, I've never done this type of work before. Hopefully, it will sink it more as I go along. As for liking it...well...I don't know. I wake up everyday full of dread at the thought of having to go to work. I know that's not a good sign or attitude, and maybe it's just nerves, but that's how I feel. I thought the people were nice when I met them orginally, but now I don't know. Friday, I felt all alone. No one came over to talk to me or socialize and I don't like that. I'm stuck in my cube all day :( . Yes, I know I have to make the effort too and start conversations, but to do that feels like pulling teeth. It's hard when you get the vibe that someone doesn't want to talk to you. I'm hoping that will improve as time goes on and people will open up more.

I've been thinking of the cruise more and I must admit that I am a little jealous of my sister. She seems to have it all going for her and lately I have felt like I'm going through an awkward stage (if that's possible at 28?). She met a guy on the cruise who really seemed like a nice guy...I didn't meet anyone. The last night we went to the club on the ship, well this guy she had been watching and who she liked came over and she went up to dance with him, leaving me to sit there and feel like a loser. Sometimes I really feel like I am this ugly troll who no one wants to be near, but I feel part of it is that I am putting out this message to leave me alone. I'm very shy around guys and I think it's gonna take a lot for me to really feel comfortable and let my guard down. I don't know why that is, but it's definitely something I wonder about. Maybe I need therapy, lol. I probably shouldn't laugh at that, that may be necessary.

I don't know if I mentioned that I talked to a supervisor of tech. issues at MM. Well, she was very nice and sympathetic to what I went through on the cruise with my pump. However, I haven't heard back from her or anyone since Tuesday. I don't know what's up with that. I thought I would hear from someone sooner. I'm thinking of giving them a call Monday just to follow up with things. I don't want to bug her, but in a way I feel that's the only way to be heard sometimes. I'll let you know what happens.

It's been awhile since I posted. It is now September '05. Things have changed a bit. I have a new job as a Medical Biller. I also am taking a course for preparation for certification in Medical Coding. I hate to say it, but I don't know if this is what I want to do. I want a job I truly enjoy and look forward to doing each day and this basically isn't cutting it. Admittedly, I just started this job...I've only been there for a week, but I can kind of see how things are going to be. I know I have to give things a chance and see how things go, I'm not giving up yet.

Other news...Diabetes wise. I just got back from a vacation. I went on a Carnival cruise to the Caribbean. Unfortunately, it was a big disappointment. I had major problems with my insulin pump. The first nite on the ship, I had extremely high readings. Wednesday I started receiving error messages...motor error problems and E35 (whatever that means). It impacted my whole trip and how I felt. I was extremely moody and ran high for the majority of things. Friday, it completely died on me. It would not deliver my lunch bolus and then the alarms kept going off. It was very aggravating and scary for me. Especially considering, I had just returned a pump to MM with similar issues. I also did not have any backup supplies with me. I know that was stupidity on my part, but I truly did not think I would have these types of problems. Luckily, the infirmary on the ship did have supplies which I had to to purchase. I don't know what I would have done if they didn't. Anyways, I have lost a lot of faith in these pumps and am very disappointed. I am uncertain that I want to continue using it , even though I hate injections. At least with injections, I know that the insulin is getting where it needs to go.

Other than that, no other major news. Still no social life :( , no b/f :( , and no good news to report :( . I did meet a couple of people off Match .com, but nothing came out of it. I wanted to meet someone I could really connect with and who was crazy about me (and me about him). Oh well....I guess there's always that option to try again sometime in the future.

One new thing was I decided to cut my hair...I mean I cut it myself- which was not a smart thing to do. I thought how hard could it be, well I cut my bangs and a little off the length and let's just say, I need to keep my day job, b/c I'm not hair stylist :). I hated it and I don't think many liked it. I decided to get it done professionally. The stylist was good...she fixed it up and I really liked it. I still can't get it to look how she did it, but I think it's a big improvement from how I did it.

That's all for now.