Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The struggle continues :(. I am still having the same problem post exercise. I just can't control my blood sugars and as I continue to experience this problem, I am losing patience (not to mention my head). I cannot believe that I still haven't come across something that would, if not solve, improve this situation. It's so frustrating. :(

Friday, my CDE/dietician got back to me after looking over my logs with my Endo, Dr. P. They suggested that I reduce my basal during exercise even further. Their previous advice was to reduce it to .8 an hour before, during, and after exercise. Tried that, didn't work. This time, they suggested I cut it down to .5 prior, during, and after AND to skip my usual pre-workout snack. I was a little bit hesitant and doubtful that this would help, but I reluctantly agreed to try it. So Friday, I tried it.

I was a little high to begin with, but I went ahead as planned. I got to the gym, did my usual workout, and afterwards, drove home and tested. Ok, well it did change things. Instead of being low, I was high. I rang in at a just wonderful 200. :( boo. Argh! Well, what could I do? I corrected and ate dinner. Tested again 2 hours after and I was still in the 200 range :( . Then later I went low, 49, before bed. What the #$%&! **sigh** I thought, fine, whatever...I'll do this Monday as well, and if it happens again, I'll fax my Endo, and show them that this didn't work. Yesterday, Monday, I did the same thing with setting the temporary basal, skipping the snack, etc.. I tested before my workout, was again a bit high to start, 175. During the exercise itself, I felt ok. However, as I was drawing to the end of my workout, I noticed that I felt a bit off. I got to my car, tested, and realized that I was low, 59. Great...I'm really getting somewhere. Then later last night, I was back at 200. :( :( :(

No, it's not great at all. My numbers are so unpredictable that I can't even find a pattern. I set a temp basal and one day it affects me one way, the next a completely different way. Ugh. I feel like I'm like I'm going around in circles, chasing my tail... I know it's going to be an ongoing process trying to get things on track. I'm just starting to lose it and I just don't understand why this has to be SO difficult.

~~As a side note, yes, I do have to work with J., the cat lady, unfortunately. We haven't spoken and she hasn't even looked in my direction. Actually, this is fine with me. Because after what happened on Friday, I really prefer not to have anything to do with her. My only hope is that Toby is ok. ~~

Friday, January 27, 2006

The only real good thing going today is that it's Friday. Yes, it's been that kind of day and the sad thing is that the clock says it is only 2:28 pm...so it's not near to being over. I wish it was possible to push the clock whatever way we wanted to make it the time we wish it to be. Right now- I wish it was about 6:30 pm. The day would be over, I would be home, and I wouldn't have to deal with anyone.

I guess the reason why I am so frustrated basically has to do with one person. It's one of my co-workers, J. This woman was the person I had given my cat to when I had moved 2.5 months ago. To be honest, the people at work do not really like her. She's kind of strange. She wears clothes that really aren't appropriate for a woman her age and she comes across as sort of annoying. I guess what it comes down to is that she doesn't really fit in. In the past, I have felt bad for her. I thought she was getting a bad wrap and didn't deserve it. Now, I am beginning to see what everyone has been saying about her.

Yesterday, she called me and told me that she wants to talk to me about Toby, but that she couldn't discuss it at the moment, could she call me after work? Well, from the sounds of it, I didn't think that this sounded like anything good. But I thought, fine, sure, whatever. So last night, she called. I guess I must have been in the shower or doing something, b/c I didn't hear the phone. However, I checked my phone later that night and realized I had a few missed calls. One of them being J. At that time of night, it was a little too late to call her back. I thought if it was really important she would call again or tell me the next day.

This morning I arrive at work and am at my computer, getting it booted up, and J. comes over to my desk. She basically tells me that it isn't working out with Toby . Apparently, one of her cats, Lee, is giving him a hard time...chasing him and what have you. Well, this isn't news to me. J. has told me this has been happening. SO I'm waiting for her to get to the point. According to J., which I find to be bullshit, Toby got hurt while running away from Lee, so she doesn't think it would be best for her to keep him after all.. Basically, she tells me that she has found this shelter, where I used to live, that is willing to take Toby in. And she wants me to be the one to take him there.

I can't believe I'm hearing what I am hearing. This is a person who claims to care so much for animals, particularly cats, and she is wanting to give him up to a shelter? When I was trying to find an apartment and decided that I wasn't going to be able to take the cat, I was going to do that as a last resort. I was and am still opposed to doing that to him, but if all else failed, that would be what I would have had to do.

However, when she agreed to take him, that changed everything. Because of that, I did whatever I could to make it easier for her. I brought Toby to the Vet, got him tested for whatever she wanted, and made visits there as well. Why did I go to all that trouble, if this is what J. is going to do? Basically, it wasted my time, energy, and money. Not to mention, that it was tough on the poor cat. He had to get used to a totally new living situation, other cats, and a strange, new person.

Well, if that's what she wants to do- that's her decision. It really has nothing to do with me. So her coming over her and telling me that she wants me to be the one to take him to the shelter is NOT going to happen.

I think it really comes down to money. The place where she wants me to take him require that you make a donation- I believe the suggested amount is about 100.00. Knowing J., she does not want to pay for this, but I am not going to either, b/c, like I said, I do not agree with this. I am not going to be the one to uproot him again and put him in another new and different situation. To me, that just seems cruel... Not only would he have to be in shelter, which would be bad enough, but he would have to get used to other cats there...probably a lot more than just 3. It would be far worse- so I can't see how J. would see that as a better situation.

After this whole situation, I have had enough. If J. thinks that I am going to lie down, be her door mat, and do whatever she says, J. is wrong. When she took my cat in, it became her responsibility. So as it stands now, I'm uncertain of what is going to happen. J. claims that she is going to drop him off on my doorstep, but I'm not sure what to believe. I do know one thing for sure, I am not going to be speaking with J. anymore.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Ugh...I'm sick. Needless to say, I am NOT a happy camper. Everything seems to get on my nerves and I'm taking it out on people who do not deserve it. On top of that, I still can't get my nighttime blood sugars on track. I'm very irritable, I admit it.

I guess it's no surprise that I'm sick. My work environment sounds more like an infirmary than a billing department. People coughing, sneezing, and blowing noses are basically the sound effects currently heard in the office. What annoys me, though, is that people come in when they are sick! Just doesn't make sense to me.

There's one person in particular, C. , who has been sick forever, still has come in just about everyday. All you could hear for weeks on end was her continuous coughing. Yet, if you approached her and said that she sounds sick and should go home- she'd say "Oh, I'm not sick."

It's not like we don't have sick days given to us. We do. The issue is that she doesn't want to use her "sick" days for sick days. She wants to use them later on, b/c the fact is, she is pregnant. Being that we do not have a paid maternity leave here, she wants to save those days for that. However, should that mean that the rest of us have to get sick because of that? In my opinion, it's kind of selfish and inconsiderate.

So the colds and respiratory infections (what I have) are getting spread around here...just passed on down the line from one person to the next. It's, honestly, the last thing I need. I have enough of a struggle getting my blood sugar under control. Now throw an illness into the mix, and I don't think it helps me much. Hopefully, the anti-biotics will knock this "bug" right out of my system and I'll be on the way to recovery. I'm not a good patient at all!

Speaking of blood sugar, nothing has changed with my nighttime levels :( . I feel like I am running around in circles, driving myself crazy trying to get things straightened out, and I'm getting NO WHERE :( .

I know it's not the illness causing me problems...me elevated levels have been going on for months, but I don't feel any closer to finding a solution. Yes, it probably was about time I tested my basal rate. However, it didn't help me with this problem... I am, again, going to fax over my blood sugar readings and see if they can provide any insight.

In the meantime, I'm trying to hang in there. But I must admit a couple things. The first thing? I am a horrible patient with NO patience. I want things to be fixed right here and now...and a lot of things don't work that way, especially this whole Diabetes mumbo-jumbo. The next, yes, I admit I hate sick people coming to work, but I, admittedly, came in today myself. Yeah, that makes me sound like a total hypocrite, but for some reason, I felt I had to come in. But saying that, I can at least not get too close to anyone, and cover my mouth when I sneeze and cough- unlike certain people, like C., who does not. Then the even funnier thing is, when she saw me come in, she asked me "what are you doing here?" Hmm, great question.

Monday, January 23, 2006

I finally did it... After putting it off and putting it off, I finally tested my overnight basal rate. Actually, I did it last Wednesday night into Thursday... I've been meaning to post about this (and also some other things), but for some reason I haven't really gotten around to it 'til just now. So this posting will be dedicated to catching up...

First things first...my basal rate. Well, as I've whined, bitched, and complained about...I figured that I just better go ahead, do it, and get it over with. Wednesday, I decided would be the best day to give it a shot. I basically stuck to my regular schedule until about 4:30, when I got out of work.

Instead of going to the gym, as I normally would, I skipped my workout. I tested and I was at a nice level, I believe about 78 (if memory serves me). I was a bit hungry so I thought I would pop over to Starbucks to get myself a little something. I bought a Caramel Light Frappucino (my new weakness) and then decided to stop at Stop & Shop to get something for dinner.

Part of testing the basal, also, in a way, means checking your bolus rates as well. You are supposed to choose a dinner with a known amount of carbohydrates. So you can take whatever amount of carbs are in the meal and use your carb to insulin ratio to balance those carbs out. I decided probably the most simple thing to do would be to buy a meal like a Lean cuisine or Weight Watchers frozen dinner and then make a small piece of salmon along with it. I chose a spaghetti w/ meat sauce meal which had about 49 carbs. I figured that with the salmon would make a nice dinner and would keep me satisfied for awhile.

After my shopping, I went home. At this time it was about 5:30. The instructions for testing suggest eating dinner @ around 6 pm. Well I wasn't quite ready for dinner then, so I decided I would eat at around 6:30- 6:45. I tested at that time and I was at 130. Now this might be slightly above the range where they like you to start, but this was good for me. I continued with the test.
Two hours after dinner was testing time again...this time I came in at about 98. I was nervous that I was going to continue dropping, but that wasn't the case. Later on that evening before bed, my blood sugar reading was 136.

Part of the test also means setting your clock to wake you up during the night. I set my clock for 3 am. However, I woke up a couple times during the night as well. When I tested during the night, my level had stayed in the 130 range...as well as my blood sugar at breakfast time.

However, things did start to change during the morning. My next reading at about 9:30 was just about 200. I don't know if that's from the "Dawn Phenomenon" or what, but I guess I wasn't that surprised. Mornings have been tough for me in the past. Anyway, they suggest to stop the test if you go over 250, but I somehow was able to keep going. At around 11 am, my levels had fallen to 180, and at lunch time, my blood sugar was 144.

I was, actually, very surprised by these readings. I thought for sure I would have to stop the test much earlier, have my Endo. adjust my basal rate, and do the test again. I was quite pleased at how level my blood sugars stayed for the most part. I know it's one test and it's hard to draw conclusions from it, but it did confirm some of my thoughts on the problems I have been having.

The main thing it confirmed to me is that my exercise is causing me problems. After seeing how my blood sugar stayed so nice through out the evening of the test, shows me that my workouts are running havoc with my sugar readings. However, saying that, I am definitely not going to stop working out.

I work out in attempt to try to stay fit and in efforts to keep the weight off. In the past, I thought, it also helped out with my blood sugar control as well. However, lately, as I have described this is NOT the case.

What often happens is I'll test, have a small snack, and then go to the gym. Usually, towards the end of my cardio routine, I start feeling the general uneasiness I get when I start dropping low. Somehow I make it out to my car and test before I start the drive home. The test usually confirms those uncomfortable feelings. If I have something on hand to treat, I'll eat that. If not, I attempt to make the drive home . I know, I know.. a very stupid move, but it's happened- I can't lie.

By the time I get to my place, I either am at the point where I am literally dragging myself into my apartment, or I'm starting to feel better, if I 've treated the low. By this time, it's usually around 6:30-7 pm and I'm usually feeling pretty hungry. So as I'm trying to get dinner together, I do my grazing, and munching on this and that. I know this probably contributes to the issue, but sometimes it's unavoidable.

About 2 hrs post dinner, it's testing time again. I am not surprised to see readings in the 200s, if not higher. Usually, I'll see readings in the upper 200s to even as high as 400. Yeah, I know the grazing doesn't help, but I don't do so much to lead to those extreme highs. It my mind, it's a rebound effect. My post workout lows which then leads to me swinging to the opposite side of the spectrum.

I've discussed this with my doctor and my CDE/dietician...which lead me to the basal testing. They believed that was the true issue. It may very well still be. I don't know how much you can really tell by doing one test. However, they also thought I'd be better off skipping the snack (boo :( ), setting a temporary basal an hour before, during, and an hour after exercise. Well, I've tried setting a temporary basal just during exercise and it never helped. Instead, it just made me high after my workout and then I was even higher post dinner. I'm going to give their suggestion at try, maybe it will work for me.

Also they did make one other small change. My basal rates prior to the test were 12 am - 6 am .5 u/hr, from 6 am to 12 am 1.0. Now my levels are 12 am-3 am .5 u/hr and from 3am to 12 am 1.0. I'm not sure how, but I think they believe that will help with my highs that strike mid morning. So far, I've been waking up low each morning, but maybe I need to give it more time. Who knows? I do know that they need me to repeat the test again to kind of confirm things. Hopefully, we'll get things more ironed out as we go.

Guess I'll wrap this post up... As for those other non-diabetes related issues, guess they'll have to wait for another posting. I think I've rambled on long enough as is. Hope it wasn't too boring :)

Monday, January 16, 2006

Wanted to use this blog to say "Thanks" for the responses :). You all are such a big help! :) It's nice having people who understand and are so supportive. I'm always open to any ideas and suggestions in getting things under control- I'll take all the help I can get.

Yeah...I'm getting frustrated with these dang highs :( :( :( . It's just about every night. I'm beginning to think that 200 is a low for me after dinner...not good :(. Wish there was an easier way to figure this all out...instead of this trial/error crap. Ugh.

I faxed my sugar log over to my CDE/dietician for her to review with my Endo at the end of last week. She also suggested that I test my basals on a night where I don't exercise. But I guess I'm confused if that's going to help me, considering that I exercise every night. So what happens if I adjust my basals, after doing the test w/o exercising, and then once I start exercising again, it gets screwed up again? I don't see the logic- am I missing something here?

According to the basal testing guidelines, it says to exercise normally, but not go overboard. To me, it would make sense to do what I normally do and do the test- but I don't know. I just really want to get this figured out.

Also, in my testing guidelines it says to skip breakfast... I hope this doesn't cause a liver dump. I have an appointment with my CDE tomorrow, so I will ask her both about the exercise and the skipping breakfast issues. Hopefully, she'll be able to help.

As for the weight loss...I'm hoping that it's just water retention or muscle, but I highly doubt it. After giving it more thought, I think I have been eating more and a little more carelessly. So this is something I need to watch.

This weekend probably didn't help matters much. My family and myself attended a brunch buffet... Everything was delicious, of course, and, I admit, I ate a lot... So I'm not exactly looking forward to being weighed in tomorrow. But I guess I'll deal with that then.

My plan is to keep exercising as I have been- getting that heart rate up, but to be more wary about what I eat. I eat SO erratically, it's embarrassing. No matter how many meal plans I'm given, I always resort to my old eating patterns. Not good :( .

You wouldn't think it would be so hard to eat healthy meals, and it shouldn't be, but it is for me. I just want to eat what I want and not worry about it- and I don't think that's a possibility. That sucks. If anyone has any ideas on how to eat healthier, I'm all ears :) .

Thursday, January 12, 2006

On Monday, I had my Endocrinology appointment. Originally, I was supposed to have it January 19th (my Mom's birthday), but the way my blood sugar has been running lately, I lucked out, and was able to move it up. All in all, it was an ok appointment, but I guess I was hoping that things would have turned out a little differently.

This was my first appointment with my new doctor, Dr. P. Although Dr. S., my previous doctor is a good doctor and good at trying to figure out ways to obtain better control, I felt that we lacked a good doctor-patient bond and I think that's very important. Frankly, I never felt comfortable with him and his personality. I always thought he had a "holier than thou" attitude...which I don't think is so uncommon for doctors. However, with Dr. P, I was pleasantly surprised. He was very down to earth and nice...and he did remind me of my first Endo, who I absolutely adored :) . So that was something good.

Basically, the appointment consisted of the usual routine. The medical assistant took me back to the examining room. I was weighed, I got my blood pressure and pulse checked, and then she did a random blood sugar reading and an A1c. Unfortunately, my level was over 200 :( at the time of the test, which isn't great. But, in a way, I was glad that they were seeing that. I had eaten lunch 3 hrs. prior and there wasn't a reason for why I was that high. After these things were done, the doctor finally came in.

Dr. P, like I had mentioned, was a very nice doctor. However, prior to the appointment, I was a little nervous...I think mostly b/c I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if he was going to be arrogant or if I would be comfortable. Luckily, he seemed to put me at ease and I was able to talk with him very easily. Instead of sitting up on the examining table, he had me come down to sit in a chair beside him. We discussed some of my "issues"... I mentioned how I constantly dealing with stubborn nighttime highs and how, no matter what I try, I cannot seem to bring them down. I mentioned how I am very interested in trying Symlin, b/c I think it could help me not only bring down those post meal spikes, but also help me control my appetite in the evening. I didn't go into all the details of what happened that prior Thursday, but I did tell him that I did overdo it.

Unfortunately, he wants me to wait on the Symlin. He'd like me to test my basal rates first. This is something I was told to do even prior to my last appointment, but for some reason I have not done this yet. Ok..I know most of the reasons why I haven't tried this yet, and I don't mind sharing them...just don't think I am pathetic, lol :). I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I hate to skip a meal. Testing my basal (they want me to do my night time basal first) means eating dinner and then not eating until lunchtime the next day. Throughout this period of time, I would have to test and see if my blood sugar stays steady (the desired effect) or if it rises or falls (the undesired effect). After my appointment, as much as I hate the meal skipping, I decided finding the right rates was probably worth the hunger pains.

However, now my problem is finding a night to do this. It's not that I'm SO busy that's the problem. No, it's actually that I can't find a night where my blood sugar is in range (as the test requires) to do this. No matter what I do, I'm high (usually extremely high) right before bed. I tend to believe that it has to do with a rebound effect. I truly believe I'm dipping too low post gym workout and then my body tries to compensate for that and I swing to the other extreme. I've tried just about everything I can think of in hopes of making any improvement (ie.temporary basal, snack before the gym, etc.), but I still end up high :o(. It's very frustrating. I'm not sure what to do about this, but if something doesn't change, I think I'm going to lose it :( .

So the disappointing part... My A1c is now at 6.9, up .2 from my last appointment. I know it's not the end of the world, but I'm disappointed that there was an increase. Then the other thing is my weight is up 3 pounds. How can that be? I have been working out like a mad woman and trying to cut back on what I eat (with the exception of a few days like last Thursday)...and I'm up?! I don't get it. Needless to say, I'm trying not to get worked up about this, but, ugh, it's hard not to get aggravated at times. I'm thinking, or wishing, it was just a fluke or water weight, lol.

Also, I guess I'm a little disappointed that he really didn't give me any concrete suggestions or advice to go on. His main suggestion was about focusing on my basal rates. I know that's important, but I wish there was more I could do or something that would hurry up the process of getting back on track. Now, Dr. S., my previous Endo, probably would have told me the same thing...to check my basals, but I think he also would have made some changes right away. Don't get me wrong, I think Dr.P, is probably a good doctor, but he's young and I'm not sure how experienced he is. It's probably too early to tell...I need to be patient and give him a chance-but I guess I want a quick fix :). He does want me to come back in 6 weeks, so I think that's a good sign. He's willing to work on this with me and get things where they should be, which is encouraging to me.

I guess I have mixed feelings about this visit. Yeah, I wish Dr. P. believed in taking a more proactive approach, but I think it's more important that I am comfortable with him and am able to share how I'm feeling. If you can't do that with your doctor, I think it can really impact your health management. I was very glad that I liked him as much as I did. Plus, I think he seemed to like me too and, I think, he knows that I am going to be a good patient for him, b/c he told me, on his way out, that I have a sweet personality. While that took me off -guard, I thought that was nice of him to say and it made me feel good. And, ok, yes I checked for a wedding ring. I didn't see one, but I couldn't exactly stare at his hands either! I'll have to look more closely on my next visit-lol :)

Friday, January 06, 2006

Just one day after making my resolutions and I've already had a slip-up :( :( :( . Actually it happened last night, which is not even a full day of making these goals for myself- How pathetic can I be? I'm so disappointed and angry with myself. I should know better, I really should, but yet this still happened. UGH! :o(

I got home from the gym last night around the same time as usual and started to make my dinner. My blood sugar before dinner was a perfect 96 :) . But me, being the skeptic, knew that wasn't going to last for long...so I wasn't too excited about it. Anyway, I proceeded to have my salad and I made some whole wheat pasta as well. While I was waiting for my pasta to cook, I started nibbling on whatever I could find...which is a habit I've GOT to break. Not only does the grazing make it difficult to account for everything you eat, but how can you take an accurate bolus to cover what you eat? It's too difficult. Luckily, my pasta didn't take too long to cook- so my munching didn't last that long. I measured about 3/4 cup of pasta, so I had an idea of how many carbs to bolus for and I added an extra unit or so to balance out the munching I had done. About an hour or so later, I was hungry again- I always get SO hungry at night. I decided to make myself some oatmeal, which I also measured out and bolused for. Later on that evening around 10ish, I tested. To my shock and dismay, my blood sugar was hovering in the high 300 range :-o . So at this point, I was like, the hell with it...I might as well pig out if this is where my blood sugar is anyway! And that's what I did. I ate A LOT! and then the reality and the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks and then I did something really BAD. I think most of you probably can figure out what it was I did without me saying it...which after I was done, made me feel even worse. I felt like such a PIG with absolutely NO self-control. What the hell's wrong with me?

I have my theories on why this happened, but I can't say that I am definite on the reason for this situation. My primary explanation is Stress. I readily admit that I am horrible at coping with stressful situations. When faced with one, I resort back to unhealthy habits- as demonstrated last night. It's probably pretty obvious from a lot of these posts that I've been stressing over pretty much everything. If it's not family issues, it's friend issues. If it's not friends, it's work. If it's not work, it's guys...will the madness ever end?

Last night, I think it happened to be a guy issue...yet again. I've basically been playing phone tag with D., the guy my co-worker, W., introduced me to. Finally, we were able to get in touch with each other, but, for some reason, I was full of nervousness and anxiety. I guess that's not too atypical for me, but I don't know why I let myself become so tense over these issues. He's just a person, like me, and if it works out,great, but if not, then maybe it's not meant to be. However, I think what's making me more anxious about it is b/c I just cut things off with G., who my friend S. arranged for me to contact. Well, I won't get into that- I'll save that for another post, but I was somewhat hurt by what happened, which surprises me. For now, I'll just say that I wasn't content with how things were going and thought it would be best to end things.

Anyway, I think that and the fact that my blood sugar was extremely over what it should have been, pushed me over the line. Yeah...I wasn't surprised that it was high, b/c it's always high at that time of night, but I was surprised at how high it was. So I called my Endo's office and arranged to have my apt. moved up to Monday. I plan to discuss this with him, I am sick at seeing these highs night after night and I am going to bring up Symlin again. Hopefully, I'll be able to give it a go and see what happens from there.

To me it obvious that changes need to be made...especially after last night. I do NOT want that to happen again. Not only is it awful, but it's so unhealthy. I know I'm human, so I'll venture that it won't be the last time. However...I don't want it to be a continuing problem. I'm hoping that venting about it and getting started on Symlin will be a step in the right direction.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Ok, Resolution Time...

Yes, it's a new year, and like many people do, I made a few resolutions I would like to accomplish in 2006. I admit that I haven't always reached my goals in the past, but I'm hoping that this year will be different. Now, I know the smart thing to do, and probably the most realistic thing, would be to focus on one, but this year I have 3. I'm hoping with a little luck and effort, I can make 2006 a great year.

First Resolution- Eat healthier. This one actuallly goes hand in hand with losing weight. Technically, it's two separate resolutions, but I'm hoping by doing the first, the other will follow. My eating habits have been quite erratic over the 28 years of my life and, unfortunately, that remains to be the case. For some reason, I have a problem with eating nutritious meals. I've tried multiple times in the past, but I'm lucky if I last a day. I think part of the problem is that I'm a bit lazy when it comes to taking the time to plan healthy menus for myself. Instead, I'll do whatever's convenient- usually meaning eating out, which not only isn't the healthiest option, but it's costly too. I'd like to start making good meals for myself. It's just that I don't know how to get started and when I've tried making food for myself in the past, for some reason, it doesn't appeal to me. However, I know how important eating well is, especially being that I'm a Type 1 Diabetic. I truly believe that nutrition is a big factor in managing this diease and I'd be lying if I didn't say that my diet could use improvement. So I'm hoping that will a little effort, I'll be able to make this change. I just need to find EASY, quick recipes that only require a few ingredients and are no-fuss. I invite any advice or suggestions :)

Resolution 2- Be more organized. I've been working on this one...and I think that I am making progress, but, trust me, there's still room for improvement. Not making excuses, but I think being that I was a semi-sloppy kid, I've grown up into a semi-sloppy adult. And I don't like that about myself at all. In fact, it really irritates me that I can be such a mess at times, b/c I feel it impacts other parts of my life. For instance, my bag is always a cluttered mess, full of just about whatever you can think of- but mostly one thing-Recipts. Instead of keeping them neatly in a compartment in my bag or in my wallet, I have them just any which way in my bag. And it's not like there's just a few-NO-there's a ton of them, which make it even harder to find anything else....which leads to wasting time and ending up being late. So I feel that if I get things into order and become a neater person, life will be a litle easier.

Resolution 3- A BIG one for me- Have more fun and stop stressing out so much. I've never made this resolution before, but I feel it's time that I enjoy life more. Frankly, I could use a little fun. It doesn't sound that hard, but for me, it is. I tend to get so anxious at the thought of doing anything a little out of my comfort zone and I think, in a way, it's getting in the way of me really living to the fullest and I don't want to feel like I am missing out of life. That's sad to me. My attitude is going to be that I am up for anything (within reason, of course), whether it's going out with someone, going somewhere new, or doing something totally out of character. So be it...I am just going to go for it :)

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The word of the day (or should I say of my life?) is Disappointment :(

I'm disappointed :(... I'm not going to lie or try to deny that. What am I disappointed about? Well, let's put it this way, what aren't I disappointed about... I know, I know, I'm sounding like I'm feeling sorry for myself...and I am, but I can't help it. I just feel like the only thing I've been given in life is disappointment after disappointment. Life can be really shitty at times.

I kind of know what this all stems from- actually a holiday that just passed. Yep, you guessed it, New Year's Eve. All along I was saying that I don't want to go out this year. However, I had made plans with my friends and I would feel horrible bailing out on them. Plus, I felt like I had to do something different and step out of my comfort zone, which I definitely did. But , saying that, I guess I had this hope that things were going to turn out better than I had expected. It's not that things were awful, but I guess I was expecting more out of the evening. I guess I feel like I need to share what happened that evening.

My friends arrived around 6:30, or there abouts. At that time, snow has just begun to fall and so they arrived a little later than originally planned. All three of them were loaded up with their clothes, bedding, and stuff for our little party (mainly alcohol). After they unloaded their supplies, we just started relaxing and being silly. I have to admit, it was fun. We weren't really doing anything, but bullshitting, eating, and, yes, drinking. Before we knew it, it was already past 8:30 pm, so me and little J. both decided that we had better get ready to go out. We changed, did our make-up and hair, and waited to get the call that the limo was on the way.

One of J.'s friends,who incidentally also is named J. (I'll call her big J. ), wanted to go with some of her friends. They had arranged to get a limo and said there would be room for us if we wanted to go with them. Now, other then big J. , the remaining three of us didn't really know any of them, but we thought if it was a free ride and if they are going to the same places we are, why not? Honestly, they aren't people I would usually hang out with, but for one evening, I thought we would manage. So after we got the call, we drove over and met them @ the AAA building.

We didn't have to wait too long before the limo pulled up. I could tell that J's friends already had a few drinks in them (but so did we), b/c they were acting a bit happy, or should I say intoxicated. Actually, we all were, all of us were just trying to have fun. Basically, just telling jokes and laughing. Some of us were also drinking, but of our group, only big J. took part.

Our group finally arrived to the downtown Danbury area, after taking the long way. Usually, it would only take about 5-10 minutes at most to get there, but I guess some of the roads were blocked off and that made things a little difficult. Also, I don't think the driver was that familiar with the area. Honestly, I don't think it mattered that much...we all knew we would have enough time to hang out and have fun.

Big J. also had "supposedly" passes for open, bar at this place called 11. Let's just say, I probably won't be returning there...It was somewhat sketchy in there and I don't think any of us were that comfortable. So we had a drink each (which didn't turn out to be free :( ) and were on our way. From there, we went to this bar called Two Steps. Most of my friends like this place, but I actually don't see what was so wonderful about it. It's just a bar-nothing that special, but my friends seem to think there is a better crowd there, so I guess that could be why they like it. We stayed therefor a short while, had a drink, and then big J. met up with someone she met on Myspace.com.

I just have to say that this guy is the complete opposite of her, he's kind of on the nerdy side, quiet, and sort of small in frame and stature. Big J, on the other hand, is loud, bossy, and kind of on the big side. So it was sort of funny when she walked in with this guy. Then all of a sudden she was sort of pushing him on me (not literally). She's like "Oh, I'd think he'd be a good match for you." Well, frankly, I don't think that was the case or that she thought that either, but I'll get to that later on.

We chit chatted there for awhile and then decided to go to this club across the street called Tuxedo Junction. This place was packed...basically with a lot of younger people. They had music blaring and the dance floor was completely full and stayed that way for most the night. I have to admit, they did have a good band, but as far as the crowd goes, I was disappointed.

My friends, however, seemed to do ok with the crowd. My friend, little J, seemed to do just fine. When we were up by the bar, this guy just grabbed her and kissed her. Then later on, she met another friend. This guy would not loosen his grip on her. He danced with her practically the whole night and if she tried to get away from him for a minute or two, he would seek her out and find her. Then her friend, big J., and the guy from Myspace ended up making out the whole night...which was a bit surprising. Here she was telling me he would be a good match for me, but I guess she decided that he was even better for her. Actually, I was ok with that, I wasn't really interested in him to be truthful. So it seemed that those two were really hitting it off with the guys, which left me and M. M., whom I've known off and on for the last few years, seemed to attract someone too. This guy was extremely sketchy, though, and kind of gross. I don't know how it happened, but he grabbed hold of her and wouldn't let her go. Finally, he released her, but not with out a bit of a struggle. She kind of clinged to big J's friend for a moment or two...eventually, the sketchy guy lost interest. OMG, if I didn't say it before, he was gross.

Which brings things to me, I didn't meet anyone :( . Honestly, I think I had hoped to...which is why I think felt disappointed. Then the fact that these other girls did, not that I would have wanted to meet "their" guys, made me even more discouraged. I don't get it...some of these girls really aren't attractive at all and for they to just meet people so easily, is beyond me. I know I wasn't expecting to meet Prince Charming, especially considering the place we were in, but I had somehow thought that things would be different.

So that's what's kind of put me in this "mood". I've been moping around the last few days and, basically, just feeling down. I know the fact that I had a lot of alcohol probably doesn't help matters. It brings you up temporarily, but then brings you down even harder...it's a depressant. However, I didn't think it would affect me to the extent it has a day or so later. Not to mention, lack of sleep. I know that definitely affects my mood from past experience. That night we didn't get to sleep til after 4 and we all were up by 9, so I got less than 5 hrs of sleep. All those factors and dealing with the fact that the holidays are over have put me in a slightstate of depression.

I know I need to snap out of it- I don't want to continue to throw these pity parties for myself- they never help matters. However, I'm not sure of how to change things. I know having a positive attitude about life is important, but it's hard to be that way after being handed disappointment after disappointment. I just wish things were easier- everything for me always has to be difficult and I hate that!

One of my New Year's goals is to have more fun and be more optimistic, but I have doubts that things will change. Yes, I know it's up to me and that I have the power to change things, but I think that's being a bit too simplistic, and unfortunately, life is not so simple. Also, I don't even know where to begin or how to change, but I know I have to begin somewhere. The thought of having a repeat of 2005 and 2004 does not appeal to me, and if that's what happens it will be just another disappoinment.