Saturday, October 29, 2005

I can't believe I got so much done today! I love these kind of days :) :) :) . When you wake up at a decent hour, not too early and not too late, and things go according to schedule. For me, it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something. Unlike last weekend (Saturday), I got up late and felt like I was rushing and like everything was a hassle to get done. It totally puts me in a real bitchy mood when things don't go as I plan them. I know, I know...try to show some maturity, Andrea. I realize life doesn't go by anyone's schedule and you can't really plan for things, but when things seem to fall into place, it makes life easier.

So like I mentioned I woke up at around 8 this morning (which is very early for a weekend morning), but I decided to lay in bed for awhile. When I finally got out of bed, and stepped into the chilly air of my apt., it was about 8:30. I got dressed, had breakfast, checked my email...and then headed for the gym. Today I ran for 40 minutes on the treadmill and walked for about 30 minutes...all together about 1 hour and 10 minutes. I think I needed this workout for many reasons.

First, I've been eating like such a pig (oink! oink!) lately. To give you an example of my pigginess...yesterday I had a good breakfast, but around lunchtime, I stepped over the line. I went to Starbucks and had a Caramel Light Frappucino. Ok, it's not the worst thing you can order, but then I also bought a pumpkin spice glazed doughnut. Now, I can honestly say that I have a new addiction for these Frappucinos, but the doughnut is totally out of character. I hardly ever get doughnuts, so I don't know what it was about yesterday that I decided to buy one??? I took a small bite out of it, but put the rest of it aside for later. To make matters worse, later in the day, we had cake for one of my coworkers who was leaving the company. I wasn't going to have a piece, but my coworker, S, brought one over for me. My willpower is very weak, I ended up eating half ot the slice, maybe a bit more. Then when I was leaving for the day and heading for the gym, I had another bite of the doughnut. Stupid move... I ended up eating the whole thing and, honestly, I wasn't hungry and I didn't enjoy it. :( I know I need to start eating better, especially after the way I ate this past week. It's awful feeling so guilty and awful for eating a little more (ok, a LOT more) than you should. I know one thing for sure, I won't be getting a Frappucino 3 times a week like I did this one past. My limit is going to be once a week, if that. Let's face it, it's not exactly a healthy lunch. There's no excuse for eating so badly, however, the one I am using is that it's the cold weather that's making me feel so hungry. I don't know if that's really the case or not, but I like to joke that I'm putting on my winter fat in preparation for the cold weather. LOL :). I wish I could just hibernate all winter.

Ok, the other reason why I needed such a good workout was because I am dealing with some tense and anxious emotions right now. Getting a good, hard workout tends to help me deal with stress. My main stress is knowing that I have so much I need to do. First, I'm most likely not going to be taking Toby with me to my new apartment. As much as I love him (I really DO), I just can't have him there. He's damages things and likes to cause mischief...and if the owner sees that, I know she won't be happy. Luckily, my coworker, J, is thinking about taking him. This is a huge relief, I feel a lot better knowing he's going to a good home and that he will be taken care of. I truly believe that he will be ok. I just have to get things in order first before I give him to her. I got to check with the Vet - making sure he got his feline leukemia vaccinations, etc and also get his toys and other supplies ready. Also, I have to get a flyer made, because though she's willing to take him in for now, she probably won't be able to keep him permanently. That's fine, as long as she knows he'll be in good hands with one of her friends.

That basically brings me to my own move. I have to have all my stuff packed, arrange transportation for the move, clean my apartment well(so I can get my security back) , and figure out things such as arranging furniture, finances (moving related and otherwise), and other things as well. Also, the realtor who showed me my present apartment is going to be showing it again. They are going to have a lockbox set up, so people can come and go as needed. I'm not thrilled with that idea, but I don't have a choice. I do have to do some extensive cleaning and tidying up. It is extremely cluttered. Hopefully, as I pack things up, I'll be able to cut back on the clutter and thing will look better and neater.

Those issues basically sum up why I needed a good workout today and, like I said, I did get one in. As for the rest of the day, after the gym, time seemed to go by pretty quickly. I did a lot of running around. I went to my old stomping grounds, the bank, to get a bank check for my new landlord, R. It was strantge, no one seemed very talkative or friendly, and for some reason, I was anxious about going in there. Sometimes I hate drawing attention to myself and I knew that was going to happen when my ex-coworkers saw me. I managed, but things didn't feel natural...I guess that happens. Afterwards, I went up to Stew's to meet my sister, K. We did a little shopping and then ate lunch together. She left to go back home, and I went to Borders to get some of my class work done. I hate to say it, but I'm not doing such a great job with homework. I rush the exercises just to get them done and out of the way. I'm not taking my time and trying to learn it and I'll be lucky if I pass the certification. Anyway, I finished up most of the exercises and I called R. to let her know I was coming by with the security payment. I got to her place and we chatted for a few minutes...she showed me the apt. again. I left her house, but got confused with how to reverse the way I came. That's a typical example of my lack of sense of direction. I finally found a way out and headed to the mall to buy my sister, C's, b-day present. She's turning 30 this year, so I spent a little more on her. Tomorrow the family is taking her out for dinner to celebrate, so it should be fun. I came home for awhile, but ran back out to Blockbuster to pick up a DVD or two for tonight...and that about sums up my day. I know it's not real interesting or fascinating stuff, but that's, generally, my life for you. I wonder how things will change in my new place. I'm excited (and nervous) to find out how things will be.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Monday I had my appointment with my Endocrinologist. Drum roll, A1c is now...6.7! This shocked the hell out of me! I thought for sure it would be in the 8 range or higher considering all the problems and aggravation I've been going through lately. Honestly, I was extremely relieved to hear this, but after discussing it with my Endo and thinking about it some more, I think things aren't as good as I would very much like to believe. We believe that I got an acceptable A1c only b/c all those highs I have experienced recently are being balanced out by lows. I openly admit that I have had rollercoaster blood sugars, and that's really not good at all. I think there is still damage being done and it's just not very pleasant dealing with swings from highs to lows and back again. It's exhausting on many levels. I think I was pretty frank with him, I told him I'm not content with things, but I don't know how to make things better. So we discussed my options. Option 1: I could stay on the pump. Option 2: I could go back to MDI. Option 3: I could stay on the pump and try something like Symlin. Option 4: I could go back to MDI and try Symlin. Since I hate injections...going back to MDI is not really favorable to me. However, I'm not exactly happy with the pump at the moment. It's caused me a lot of grief and aggravation and I'm not sure I will ever feel completely at ease with it. That leaves me in a bit of a bind. There's no other option- it's either shots or pump. I told my doc how much I hate shots, so he doesn't think MDI is the way to go, esp. if I am also going to be taking Symlin (that's an additional 3 shots a day, one for each meal!). Looks like I'm going to stick with the pump for right now and perhaps I'll try Symlin somewhere down the line. My Endo thinks my basals need to be adjusted further before I throw something like Symlin into the mix. Once I test my basal rates, we can think about the Symlin then. I guess that's ok with me. But I'm not exactly looking forward to skipping my meals to check my basals...I enjoy eating too much! However, if it helps, it will be worth it. One other thing from my appointment. I dropped 1 more pound= YEE HAW! :) That was a nice surprise :) Though the way I've been eating lately, I 'll probably gain it and more back!

One other big piece of news...I'm moving. The first place I looked at, which is cute and nice ( but small), I decided to go after. So I will be moving in only a few, short weeks. I'm nervous for some reason...I hope I'm making the right decision. It definitely means that I'll have to change things up a little, such as my daily routine, but it probably will be a good thing for me. I'm not so good with change, but, I think I need to do this.

Not much other news to's been a dull, quiet, and cold week (weather wise). Work hasn't been fun this week and things have dragged more than usual lately. I still am not 100% confident that I am doing a good job, but I'm doing the best I can. I think I'm doing ok overall, and I hope my bosses are in agreement. I just know that this isn't something I'm interested in doing long term- it's not exactly interesting to me and I can't say I look forward to going in each day (far from it). but I'm taking it a day at a time and I think I am learning more and more as I go.

I'm thinking more and more of finishing up the Master's program in School Counseling at WCSU. I did well in those courses and I did enjoy them, so perhaps that's the path I should take. I called the Dept. Head today, but our call got disconnected so I'm going to call him tomorrow to see what I need to do to return. With this move and all my expenses, I just hope that it's something I can afford. It does appeal to me and I think it's very important to do something you love to do.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

This weekend basically sucked. Ok, I shouldn't say that. Saturday sucked, but today was better. Saturday, I was in a horrible mood which I blame mostly on my horrible blood sugar. Friday things seemed to level out a bit, but Saturday's sugars more than made up for it. I was high and stayed high for most of the day. I drove down to my parents last night and I was just so angry and upset by all the problems I've been having...

Mostly I was just feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I think I'm purely selfish, I only think about my own problems. Yes, I know others have worse situations than myself, but I, at times have such a narrow viewpoint. I only see my own pain and it's almost like I like to dwell in it. That seems ridiculous, even to myself, but I know some people do like to feel miserable and live in sadness. I hope I am not one of them, but sometimes I wonder. So ok, back on topic(I'll stop rambling)...when I got to my parents house, I basically took out my frustration on my mom- which is SO uncalled for.

I must admit, at times, I really don't' know how to cope with things. I get overly emotional, angry, and upset and it never helps anyting. It does make me better once I have vented those emotions, but I know I need to find another way to deal with this stress. Getting upset and angry is probably a huge waste of energy and I can't keep unloading everything on my mom . My poor mom, I feel like such a bitch! I guess I can be at times. Maybe I need therapy...

The reason I drove to my parents last night was b/c I was staying over since we participated in the American Diabetes Association walk for the cure early today. It turned out to be better than I had thought. I had thought it was going to rain all morning for the walk, but the rain held off and the sun actually peeked out today. It was still chilly and windy, but at least we stayed dry. It was a pretty good event. They had breakfast and lunch for all the walkers and they had tables set up for different Diabetes vendors and Diabetes products. They also had a silent auction. My parents bid 100 dollars and got a one night stay in the Crown Plaza in White Plains that comes with a Sunday Buffet for 4 people. That's a nice thing to bid on. Plus, all that money goes to the ADA.

I have to admit that I am always so tough on my Mom (I don't know why just her) about her taking part in my Diabetes. BUT she was the one there for me all this past week when I was having such a tough time controlling my blood sugar and she was the one who organized my family and myself taking part in the walk. She really did make the effort and I really don't appreciate her as much as I should. Sometimes I think she's just too good to my family and myself and then we take advantage of her. I feel like such a horrible daughter at times and I don't know why I can't be better to her. She is such a great person and I love her more than I can express.

So after a weekend of highs and lows (Diabetes wise and emotionally speaking), tomorrow I FINALLY have my Endo appointment. I'm looking forward to it and I'm not, if that makes any sense at all. I'm going to have to try and explain things to my Dr. and my main concern is that I won't be heard. When I spoke to Linda on Friday, she didn't seem like she was in a wonderful mood. Yeah, I changed the basal rate that I was using for awhile (that the Dr. set up for me)...and then I couldn't really explain to her why I did that. To be honest, I'm not even sure why I did it. It probably did f^ck things up. Anyway, I hope I can just express how unhappy I am with how things have been lately and I hope he will be receptive to helping me get things on track. One thing that I'm not sure I want to know is my's been way too long since my last one. You're really supposed to have one once every 3 months. I think the last one I had was about 6 months ago, which I don't think is too good. I think it really is too long to go between visits. It seems the longer I go between visits, the more off track I get :( . Another thing I want to discuss is whether I should stay on the pump or try something else. I really don't want to go back to MDI, but I don't like how out of control things have gotten and before the pump, I had relatively good control. I'm thinking about bringing up Symlin too. I think that might be something that might work for me... Actually, I don't know. All I know is that I feel like something needs to change. I don't want to continue things the way they are.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Lately, my diabetes control has worsened considerably. Let me be more blunt...things basically suck right now and I'm very frustrated. I'll wake up in a normal range, have my usual egg for breakfast, get to work and have an apple, and then test right before lunch. To my dismay, this past week my readings at the time of day have been in the 300-350 range :(! Then it takes most of the afternoon for me to get my sugars down. Usually, it doesn't come down 'til after the gym and then I 'll eat my dinner and I have to deal with a spike again. My appointment with my Endo is right around the corner (Monday), but I'm getting more anxious and tense about it by the minute. I was going to hold off and discuss this with my Endo on Monday, but I broke down yesterday and called the office to see if I could be seen sooner. Of course, I knew that wouldn't be possible, as that office is extremely busy, but I thought I would give it a shot. I called again today and left a msg for my CDE. I never actually got in touch with her. She called me and left a message on my cell, but I didn't get it until it was too late to call her. She wants me to fax my blood sugar log to her, but I'm going to try and get in touch with her first. I really want to talk to her about how I've been doing and the probelms I've been having. Not only do I want to discuss my horrible blood sugars, but I also want to mention my problem with the pains I've been experiencing in my legs. It's a very unpleasant's an aching pain and it almost always happens when I'm high. I know they will probably tell me to adjust my basal (increase it), maybe alter my carb to insulin ratio, and pay more attention to what I eat, but I feel like a lot more needs to be done. When Monday comes, I'm going to have a lot to talk about with my Endo and I'm not going to be shy about expressing how I feel.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I had a really GOOD weekend...which I think was WAY overdue. Of course, now it's basically over, but I have to acknowledge it, especially since I'm always pretty quick to acknowledge the not-so-fun ones. Saturday, I went to the gym and then my parents came up to help me take out the air conditioning unit. OH MY GOD, that is the heaviest thing in my apartment! Ok, maybe not, but it's definitely a 2 person job to move it! Trying to maneuver it out of my apartment is not easy. We had to stop a couple times to put it down-that's how heavy it is. And then getting it down the narrow stairway to the cellar is another story. It's so dark and cluttered down there, that finding a place for it is a project in itself. Not to mention that the ceiling is so low, you have to literally stoop down to get in there. It definitely takes a lot of effort moving that thing, but somehow we managed and, luckily we won't have to move that thing until next summer or when I move (whichever comes first). Speaking of moving, once we moved that thing to the cellar, we left to go look at 2 apartments.

I think I mentioned that I saw one of them earlier in the week, but I really wanted my parents' opinion on it. Admittedly, it is small , and that was their concern. I really don't know if all my stuff would fit in there (I have a lot of crap) and I don't know how it would work in the long run, but I do still like it. I'm going to give it some more thought. If I can get the woman to negotiate on the rent, she may have a deal. I guess we'll see. Then we were supposed to see another apartment that was literally a street away from the first one, but the owner was late and my parents didn't want to wait. We did get to see the outside, and to be completely honest, it looked somewhat run down, so I'm probably going to pass on it anyways. I had also called a woman in town about an in-law's apt. in her house, but I'm not sure it's what I want either. It doesn't have a kitchen and the owner doesn't allow pets. Frankly, I thought she was sort of rude about it, but I guess I can understand why, especially if she has allergies, as she says. The thing is, I'm not sure I want to take Toby with me when I move. I love him, I really do, but I think I'm not really a pet person. However, finding another home for him, will not be easy. I probably shouldn't have gotten him if I wasn't going to keep him and take responsibility for him. But now it's too late... Maybe I'll get lucky and find him a good home. As for a new home (apartment) for myself, I guess we'll see- it's still early in the game and I don't have to rush into anything.

Now the fun part :) ... a concert at Mohegan Sun! To be more specific, we were going to see Rob Thomas. I love him, especially when he sang with Matchbox 20. I hadn't been to a concert in a while, so this was something I was excited about. We left the apartment hunting and prepared for a 2 hour ride to the casino. However, none of us had had lunch, so we stopped at a Gas station/food mart to get a snack and to fill up on gas. Then we were on our way. We got there around 4pm. I have never been to Mohegan Sun before and I was pleasantly surprised. I had thought it was going to be like Foxwoods, and it was to an extent, but I liked it better. It's not as big and I liked the layout better. We played the slots for awhile, which was fun. Then at around 5:30 we went to dinner at the Season's buffet. That was good-especially the desserts. They had about any kind of dessery you could want. I wanted one of everything, but I controlled myself. I actually only had a little bit of the bread pudding w/ whipped cream and a bite or two of chocolate mousse-MMM! :) . The concert didn't start til 8, so we walked around a bit before it started. At around 7:45 we headed into the arena. The concert was AWESOME! I mean, I really liked it a lot. He did a good mix of his songs, which included songs from Matchbox 20 and his solo endeavor as well. I'm so glad I went. I didn't get home til around 1:30 am, but it was well worth it! :)

Today, Sunday, I slept in. I woke up, looked at my pump, and realized it was 12:45 pm! OMG! I almost NEVER do that. I guess I was tired...geesh, you think?! Honestly, I don't like doing that, because I feel like I am wasting the morning, but I guess once in awhile isn't a bad thing. Then I checked my email, visited my usual favorite sites online, and got ready to go to the gym. I basically walked on the treadmill, which I don't think got my heart rate up enough to burn off my dinner at the buffet, but at least it was something. I came home, changed, and headed up to Danbury to do my studying and grocery shopping. I got home around 7 and ate dinner, and here I am.

Sadly, tomorrow is Monday...and I start a whole new week. I guess I'm ok with that, though I'm not crazy about Mondays (who is). Hopefully, it will be a good day anyway and things will go smoothly. As you can see, I'm trying to think positively. I think hoping for a good week isn't asking for so much and with any luck it will be a great one :).

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I made it to the middle of the week...well, almost. Ok, technically it's only Tuesday evening, but from here things usually go pretty smoothly. Today was nice, b/c it went by so quickly. Unlike the last few days, I had some things to do...time always goes by faster when you are busy. In a way it's good when the day goes by so quickly, but I don't like the fact that I constantly am wishing the day is over. I don't want to feel that way. I want to enjoy my job and want to be there, but I'm probably with the vast majority who want to be anywhere but work. Actually, Sunday night I didn't sleep so well. For some reason I started thinking about careers and I got this idea about working at a University or college. I think that would be something I would genuinely like to do. I'd like to help students with their career goals or help perhaps in Admissions. I think it would be a good experience for me...and since I like to help others, it's right up my alley. So I am planning on sending out a letter and my resume. It's worth a try I think.

Yesterday, I also decided to check out the listing in the paper for apartments. Of course, most are way above what I can afford, but I did find a couple that seem like a possibility. I actually went to look at one yesterday. It's a little more than I am paying , but it includes all utilities so that's good. As for size, it's on the small side, but I like the way it's set up. It has 2 sky lights in the slanted ceiling and it's in much better condition than what I'm in. It's cute, but it's the first one I've looked at and I don't want to just jump in to something. The other 2 I called on...I'm still iffy about. One is a basement apartment. Frankly, I don't like that idea so I'm probably going to pass on it. The other one I called, I haven't heard from so who knows? It's kind of fun looking at new places, but if I had my way I think I would stay in town and I would move to a bigger,nicer place. Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to happen- things are so expensive in this town. However, you never know, maybe something else will come up.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Today was a dreary, rainy day. I spent it doing my usual routine- that is, gym in the morning, Stew's, Border's (to do some work for class),and then grocery shopping. Can't believe the day is already over- that kind of sucks. I was supposed to baby-sit tonight, but they canceled. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It seems like they cancel on me every other weekend. Oh well. Tonight, I don't really feel like it anyway-though the extra pocket money would be nice.

I talked to my friend, J, tonight too. I haven't seen her in forever, but it sounds like she is doing ok. She's pretty busy with work and also taking care of her son, so I can understand why she isn't always able to meet with me. Anyway, J had some news. She gave her present job her 2 weeks notice, as she is going back to CVS. CVS is willing to give her the money she wants, the schedule she wants, and her vacation time back. Not a bad deal, huh? Well, now the job she just quit is willing to give her what she wants too. I guess they really like her. Now, that would never happen for me. I'd say "I quit" and they'd be like "See ya!". I guess I'm a little jealous. But then again, I wouldn't want to do her job anyway. It's in a retail setting and I don't want to go back to that. She has a difficult choice to make. I don't really envy her position of having to decide which job to go with, I'm always afraid of making the wrong choice (which I usually do). Anyway, I have a feeling she'll go with whoever is going to pay her more- I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I talked to L, my CDE/dietician, this week. She had called me a couple weeks ago, I called her back , but didn't hear from her. So I called again and left yet another msg. Finally, she called me back at work and we were able to talk for a bit. I told her about my vacation/pump disaster and mentioned that I'm still not doing the best. My blood sugar is constantly swing from high to low to high again (or vice versa). It's not only physically difficult to manage, but it's wears me out mentally and emotionally too. I really feel like something needs to change or be adjusted-even if that means coming off the pump. I would rather not have to go back to MDI, but if that's going to give me better control, so be it. My CDE did mention that there is a new product out there, that is pretty much considered an insulin pump. It's called the Omni Pod Pump. Basically, it's a pump that uses a Palm Pilot to program bolus/basal rates among other things. Plus, there is no tubing involved-which is nice- and, get this, you throw it out every 3 days. Actually, I don't know if I like that last part. To throw it out like that, to me, seems kind of wasteful, but I'm still interested and want to hear more. I don't think it's currently on the market, but my CDE is going to give me more info as she gets it. It's something I want to consider anyways. The other thing I am considering is Symlin. It supposedly helps prevent post meal spikes us Diabetics so often see. Though I think I am pretty good at carb counting, I'm often off, and if it will help, I'm willing to try it. It does mean injecting myself, but I guess I can manage that. One nice thing is it can help you lose weight, and I think that's a nice plus. So we'll see- I brought it up with my Endo at my last visit and he didn't want me to go ahead with it. However, this time I am going to stick to my guns and let him know that something needs to change. I hate the rollercoaster ride I so often am on and I just can't deal with that continuing on. Honestly, I'm not real crazy about his personality, but hopefully he'll be able to hear what I have to say.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I don't know if mentioned it or not, but I am taking another coding course at DH. It's preparation for the certification test (which will certify me as a Medical Coder). I'm not actually sure why I am taking the course...I don't think this is my career path and before this course started, I debated whether to go ahead with it or not. I decided to move forward with it, b/c I thought in the future I might look back on things and wish I had taken it... which knowing me is a definite possibility. I will usually pass on something and later regret it. I didn't want to make that mistake again. Anyway, last week we took the Mid-term. I wasn't really nervous about it until the test was passed out, but by that time it's too late. Overall, I felt I did ok with it...well, today we got them back and I got a WOO HOO :). That's good news, and frankly I could use some . I wish I was more enthused about coding, but I'm not. I guess it doesn't interest me as much as I had hoped it would. SO who knows what will come of this may just end up being a waste of time and energy.

Not too much else happened. Work went by relatively quickly today and then I had class. I'm so tired right now! If I was smart, I would turn in early, but being me, I'll probably be up way past 11. Also, Toby kept waking me up last night...which was really annoying. He kept pawing at me, it was kind of cute. I know he just wanted to play, but at those early hours of the morning, it's not cute at all and I was pretty aggravated when I had to wake up for work this morning. He better not do that tonight.

So yesterday, my landlord failed to tell me that he was having an electrician and his crew come in and put in electrical units for heat in my apartment. I was so SO pissed that he could just let these strangers in w/o any kind of notice. They left things a mess, there was dust all over the place, and they didn't bother to pick up the stuff that they dropped on the floor. Admittedly, my apartment was NOT in the best state... it was a bit on the messy side...which is yet another reason why I didn't want anyone coming through. I'm still so mad about this and, though I did talk to my landlord's wife yesterday, I didn't talk to him. I am definitely calling him tomorrow, especially since I think someone was again in here today. I mean, what the F%ck! :( :( :( .

You know, I think my blood sugar may also be affecting my being so tired. The last few days I've been running higher than I should...much too high. Yesterday I hit almost 400. I know part of the reason might be my basal rate. I reduced my rate to see what would happen, I guess it's not working ...though it seemed ok at first. So I've been slowing increasing it. I'm sure I'll be back up to where I was originally soon enough, so maybe all this would be for nothing, but I guess you never know if you don't try. My appt. is coming up and I'm very apprehensive about what's going to happen, more specifically, my A1c and control. I know it's not going to be good, and ignoring things is not going to make things better. The good thing out of hearing the results, I'm hoping, will be the motivation for me to really work hard and get back on track. I know that's what I need to do.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Here I am again...Sunday nite, and tomorrow is back to work! :( I don't want to go back, but I guess I don't have a choice which, frankly, kind of sucks. My sister and my Mom are so lucky. They both have Tuesday and Wednesday off. I guess that's a perk of working for a school system. Plus, they have Monday and next Thursday off. Do I? Of course NOT. Ugh. I know that I was thinking of going back to school for dietary science, but now I'm thinking of finishing up a grad degree in school counseling. I do have one semester down so I'm hoping maybe it would't too hard to finish it up. Plus working in a school system would be nice, b/c I'd have my summers and holidays off. That's not a reason really to pursue it, but it's a nice bonus. We'll see, the way my mind changes now a days...I want to a career in one thing one day and something totally different the next.

I'm ready for a drastic change...I'm so bored with things. To be quite blunt, I'm sick of following the same routine each and every day. You'd think now that I am a different job, I'd be more content. Not exactly. Maybe that's b/c I don't really enjoy the job. Anyway, I feel like I need to do something boldly different and, even, out of character. I just don't know what to do. Today, I told my Mom that I was going to shave off my hair. I can't believe that this even crossed my mind, but for some reason that idea kind of appealed to me. I think only certain people can pull off that look, me not being one of them, but I think it would be fun to see what kind of reactions I got. I probably would get sick of it though, and would regret it, so I guess I won't be trying that look anytime soon. I've got to do something though...I don't want things to continue the way they have been. Something needs to change.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Yesterday was Friday...which usually is good, but for some reason I wasn't so happy about how the afternoon went at work. I was pleasantly surprised when the morning went by so quickly, but in the afternoon things took a turn for the worse. The problem??? The women I work with are so damn catty. It just gets on my nerves. Basically what happened was one of my co-workers was leaving to start in a different position at a new facility and Friday was his last day. So as a nice way to send him off, they had pizza and cake for him (which brings me to a different subject - I'll get to that later). I thought that was a nice gesture and it was a nice way to say good-bye... until it was time for him to go. He went around saying good-bye to everyone and I guess he leaned in for a good-bye hug/kiss with the people he has worked with for a while (not me). No sooner had he turned his back, did they start backstabbing him, b/c of the whole kiss thing. They acted like it was a long, smooch on the mouth, when it was just a polite kiss on the cheek good-bye. The way they went on about it was unbelievable...just so obnoxious and uncalled for. You'd think that these women could act mature about things and be respectful, but I guess that's asking too much. It made me realize that people don't change too much from high school. I swear if I closed my eyes during this whole thing, I'd think we were back there! I'm sure the one really responsible for the catty behavior is this woman, M. The only things I ever hear coming out of her mouth are ugly things. She's just not a nice person at all and for some reason she really bothers me. Personally, I haven't heard her say anything about me, but I'm sure she has said things, which I don't get. When I picture her, I don't see her as anything so great, and yet she acts this way. Maybe that's the reason. I find the people who are the nastiest, are usually the ones who shouldn't be making the comments. I guess to put others down makes them feel better about themselves. I'm going to try and not let her get to me, but it's hard when I'm situated in the same area. Honestly, she isn't worth my energy worrying about what she is saying.

So I mentioned the pizza and the cake on Friday...the reason being that I really haven't been eating so well lately. I think it's emotional eating to deal with uncomfortable feelings and stress, but I really need to stop it before it gets any more out of control. Thursday...I was ok, until I got home from the gym. I wasn't even that hungry for dinner. I showered and then I finally sat down to eat. I guess I was hungrier than I thought, b/c I ate a LOT of the cheese corn puffs I had bought at TJs. Then I felt like crap, of course. Then yesterday, I had the ice-cream, and pizza, and then I got home and still ate more than I should have. Tonight, I just got home from baby-sitting and again I have to admit I overdid it with the food. I don't know what comes over me...I guess when I get down, food is comforting to me. It's a bad way to look at food, but I think I learned it from when I was a child and, evidently, it has really changed. I know I need to get back on track and watch it. To eat like I have been is only going to lead to problems down the I 'm going to work harder at keeping to a healthy diet.

Changing subjects somewhat... I was discussing luck with my Mom this evening. I think I have the worst luck then anyone I know. I guess I'm kind of feeling sorry for myself, but this is how I honestly feel. Frankly, I don't really like my job, , my personal life is basically non- existent, and my health, well, you know my health status. Diabetes just makes everything more difficult. I know people who deal with difficult things, but usually they have something going well in their life too. For me, I don't really have anything. It's really negative- I guess you could say I'm a negative person...but I think if I am, it's because of my past experiences. I truly believe that the past shapes who you are as a person. I've gone through a lot of unpleasant things and sad times. I'd like to believe that those hard times have made me a stronger person, and maybe they have somewhat, but I think they have also taken a lot out of me and it's hard for me to be positive about life and the future. I wish I could be...I wish I could be enthusiastic and hopeful about the things to come, but right now...I don't see a reason to. I probably sound like an ungrateful brat, I know. I'm sure I have it better than many others, but sometimes it's hard for me to see beyond my own experience. Wow, I just processed that, that's so self-centered, but I admit it's the truth. I'm just so sick of being disappointed.