Just for those who are wondering, yes, I am still alive! Also, want to add special thanks to those who made special inquiries about me here in my comments- it's always nice to feel missed! :) Thank-you so much!

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I am not sure what I wrote about in my last post- I think it was a MEME- and I know I have yet to talk about my vacation (which actually seems like a lifetime ago!)- but I have so much going on right now that I would like to share...that I'm not sure when I'm going to get to that or if I am even going to get to it at all. In fact, I am not even sure where I should start right now!

Well, I guess one of the things that I should probably mention is my Diabetes... I went for my Endo apt and A1c reading about a month ago. Unfortunately, my A1c wasn't too good- 8.2. It came down from my previous one of 8.4, but still not exactly a reading I would hope for :(.

I know that a lot has to do with motivation. Put quite simply, I lack it!

Ok, I haven't been completely neglectful of my Diabetes, but I know I could be (and should be) doing so much more!

Basically, as things stand now, I do just about the minimum I can to get by. :-s That's really not good enough. Guess that's apparent from my A1c! But I just cannot seem to get my act together no matter how much I vow that I am going to put more effort in!

Actually, I take that back, I have made one change- which is a start at least.

I have started logging my numbers. What's been working for me is keeping the small little log book with my meter at all times... In fact, I don't zip up my meter at all! I just lay my lancet device, test strips, meter and tuck the little log book right in too... When I go to test, I see the log book, and I take the minute it takes to write down the number.

Ok, confession, the last two days, I haven't logged... But as a whole, I have... and I do feel like it's helping. It's certainly making me more aware of things. I can see from the log times, different patterns and so forth, like especially times when I tend to run high. And I recognize other things like my underestimation of boluses, how snacking affects blood sugar, and how sensitive my body seems to be to carbs! So for these reasons, and others, I know I need to keep logging away.

Oh, one other thing, Diabetes related. My warranty on my pump is up! Meaning I have to decide on what I want to do. Do I want to continue with MM? Or do I want to try a different pump?

I am actually quite mixed about this... MM, yes, I know the company and have a certain comfort level, but I have also had a lot of problems with the company too... I can't even count how many pumps I have to send back to some kind of malfunction! Grrr....

That said, I do have one of their worst pumps, the 511, which is know to have problems and a bad reputation, but still! I would never imagine I would have ALL the problems I have had over the years with my pump.

But, at the same time, I know that the company is a forerunner in coming out with new technology. I do like the idea of that...

But what about the other pumps available... How do I know there isn't a different one that is better suited for me? Yes, you can do the research and find information, but I'm not sure that there is a tell-tale way to know for sure.

You know, I would think I would be somewhat excited about this, but I'm not. I kind of wish I didn't have to do this right nowat all. Again, I guess its about my lack of motivation... which kind of leads me to my next topic...

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Depression.

For a while this summer... I thought I was doing better with this. I felt ok, I had some really good things happen, and I wasn't nearly as depressed as I had been in the recent past. B/c I felt better, I stopped attending group therapy and also my individual therapy... well, that's part of the reason anyway.

But just this past weekend, I had a setback... it was actually just yesterday and I'm still upset about it.

I had a pretty good weekend up to that point, but then something happened last night which really upset me. It upset me so much, I couldn't stop crying.

If I told you all what it was, you'd probably think I was blowing things way out of proportion and making a mountain out of a molehill, and you'd probably be right. But in that moment, it hurt me a lot. And it showed me that I still haven't gotten over all the issues I have with myself.

I know I need to return to therapy. So just like everything else, I have to find the motivation to find someone around here to see ( since I've changed jobs and aren't close to my old therapist and group anymore). I know that I have to do it, though, especially given what happened last night.

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Lastly, I have also been dealing with a real PITA lately- and that's fatigue! I find that, at certain points of the day (usually mid morning and mid afternoon), I get extremely tired! So tired, that I could literally fall asleep sitting up!

It doesn't sound like such a big deal, but when you are struggling so much to stay awake, IT IS!

What worries me is that it is affecting my job... As a medical coder, there is a need for productivity- which means I am expected to code a certain amount of records per hour... Well, needless to say, I am far below my goals, which is really NOT good, considering they let someone go b/c of this reason. So it's important that I feel well enought to do my job and, as things stand now, I feel pretty much like crap! And I'm pretty damn sure my fatigue is playing a role on it.

To make matters worse, it's not something easy to figure out. I have considered, my stress/depression levels, my lack of diabetes control, my need for more sleep, as reasons for it. But, saying that, I still don't know.

I saw my Endo and CDE/dietitian and explained my situation and they aren't quite sure on why I feel this way... just suggested that I try to get things back under control. Plus, they also think that it may not be the Diabetes for sure.

So then I saw my PCP... I also explained the situation to her and, again, she also has no clear answers :(. According to her, she feels it's Diabetes related! So which is it? Is it Diabetes related or not???

Well, she decided to run some blood tests just to rule things out. I got the results and most everything is fine... with the exception of two things- my blood sugar was a little high (gee, what a surprise!) and my liver enzymes were slightly elevated.

I wasn't too worried about the sugar levels- I mean, I do know where things stand. But I was kind of worried about the liver enzymes. Stupid me, I googled what it could mean and I scared myself even more. My PCP wanted me to go for an addition lab test just to make sure results were valid.. which I did last Tuesday... But I'm still yet to hear the results.

I'm thinking it must be ok, b/c otherwise I think that the office would have contacted me sooner, but I am going to call them again tomorrow (which will be the 3rd time) to find out for sure. Hopefully, I'm just worrying for nothing.

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Oh, I guess I lied! I do have one more thing to mention, or should I say I have a question to ask... I want to post something and have it password protected, but I'm not sure exactly how to do this or if it's even possible. I don't know if blogger even allows that. So if anyone knows, could you please leave me a comment? Thanks so much! :)

I just got back from my vacation to the Bahamas (and I'll post about that later), but first this :)...

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Andrea
2. Drea/Dre
3. A.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
this one is going to be tough...
1. My eyes- I like that they change colors depending on what I wear
2. My hair- it's naturally curly, but I prefer it straight... I like being able to have the option to wear it either way. (though I hate having to do it!)
3. My legs- From working out so much, I'm able to show off a little bit of muscle tone.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Certain facial features...
2. Skin problems/scars
3. My butt (lol)

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Irish
2. Ukrainian
3. ?

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. The Unknown
2. Complications of Diabetes/ and other health issues
3. Something bad happening to family or loved ones

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. My pump
2. Testing supplies
3. Toss up between cell phone/computer

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Insulin pump
2. Blue jeans
3. Red short-sleeved GAP sweatshirt

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE MUSICALS:
1. Chicago
2. Annie Get Your Gun
3. Evita

THREE OF YOUR (current) FAVOUITE SONGS:
1. Perfect Blue Buildings- Counting Crows
2. Into the Ocean- Blue October
3. Bright Lights - Matchbox Twenty

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Humor
2. Romance
3. Fun

THREE THINGS THAT YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE:
1. Intelligence
2. A little bit of mischief/mystery
3. Sense of humor

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
1. Working Out
2. Surfing the Net/Blogging
3. Msg. boards.../ Support groups

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Eat something really fattening :D
2. Talk to M.
3. Get a good night's sleep and have a good dream :)

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING:
What haven't I considered???
1. School Counseling
2. Registered Dietitian
3. Writer

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Hawaii
2. California
3. Australia

THREE KIDS NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Ava
2. Margaret
3. Shawn

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Fall in love
2. Travel
3. Have my own family

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. I am not into shoes... maybe doesn't exactly classify me as a boy, but so many women are into shoes and shoe shopping
2. I usually dress for comfort above anything else.
3. I have a man's sized appetite!

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A CHICK:
1. I'm ultra sensitive and/or thin skinned- doesn't take much to get to me!
2. I am into sappy movies, romantic comedies, and dramas... nothing like a good chick flick!
3. I am very expressive and have a hard time hiding how I feel- usually it's written all over my face.

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Robert Downey Jr.
2. Brandon Flowers
3. Rob Thomas

Today actually started with a bang, but, unfortunately, ended with a BIG, old THUD. :( :(
:( ... but that's generally how things go for me, so I guess I can't be totally surprised. Let me back up and describe what happened...

Basically it was an ordinary day... well, actually, no, it wasn't. Today was my last day at my job.

I think I mentioned in a previous post that I accepted a different coding position at a different hospital... Well, time has flown by and I am starting a week from this Monday. I cannot believe it! But, anyway, for some reason, I was kind of anxious about getting through today. Probably b/c I I didn't really know what to expect. But to my surprise, things went a lot better and a lot smoother than I anticipated.

When I came in, my side of the department had put together a little good-bye breakfast for me... which was really sweet. Not only that, but they made me feel like i would be missed and that they were sad to see me go. Plus, I was told that I had done a really good job, which is always good to hear.

I spent most of the day tying up loose ends, packing up my stuff, and saying good-bye. I really had no pressure to do anything or get work done today, as I don't think most people would on their last day. So that was nice...

I took a lunch break today, which I don't usually do, with some of the department across from us coders... Was actually complimented on how good I look by two co-workers, which made my day even better, and then returned back to my department.

I wasn't sure if I was going to have to stay the whole day or not... but when I got back, my Director, L., called me in and thanked me for my hard work, wished me luck, and, also, gave me permission to leave a little early. Could my day get any better?

Turns out, NO. But I'll get to that.

With the extra hour of free time, I debated what to do with myself. I wasn't sure if I should go work out, pack for my upcoming trip this Sunday, or what. But, with Sunday being Father's Day, I decided it would be good to get something for my Dad... you can only procrastinate so much! And he SO does deserve a little something for all he does for me and the rest of my family.

Now, he's impossible to buy for, b/c he NEVER wants anything. And a lot of times when you buy something for him, he ends up retuning it... so I had no idea what to do for him.

Ultimately, I decided to drive to my old town, and see if I could pick up some type of kind of gourmet food item he might enjoy and a card. I stopped at this gourmet grocery store, but ended up empty handed...

Everything was way overpriced, not that my Dad doesn't deserve that, but nothing really jumped out at me. So I settled on getting him some homemade dark chocolate (which is his favorite) from the candy store in town.

This, as well, isn't exactly cheap chocolate. But, it wasn't the most expensive present either. However, my Dad, isn't about how much you spend on him. He more appreciates the thought behind it... and I knew he would enjoy this gift.

So with that taken care of, I decided to take care of myself too a little bit... I went to the GAP and found an outfit I really liked (very cute) and then ran across the street to CVS to pick up my prescriptions.

By the time that was over, I realized I had to get home. I was meeting two of my friends for dinner at Friendly's... and I realized I had only about 45 minutes to get home, dump my stuff down, and then make it over there.

In a way, I totally wasn't feeling like going... I just had this tense, anxious feeling all day about it. But, I decided to shrug it off and still go.

I kind of wish I hadn't, b/c this is where things go downhill :(.

We meet at the restaurant, get seated, and are chit chatting about random things. Of course, me being me, I do what I usually do when I feel insecure. I start scanning the room for people who I feel are a threat to me and my self-esteem.

I don't notice anyone in particular, but I happen to catch the eye of one or two of the young, male servers there. Of course, I look away and try to refocus on my friends and the conversation.... But it's too late.

Not too much later, I hear one of the servers, a loud, really obnoxious, and foul guy, talking about me and how unattractive I am (which aren't his exact words)... and it totally breaks me.

I can't get a grip after that. I start dazing off and my friends are looking at me bewildered. I was actually supposed to go with them to the movies, but, after that, am in no mood to do anything.

I end up driving home in tears and spending the rest of the night the same way.

I mean, WHAT THE FUCK! I go there and pay for the food AND the service, but i don't pay for that shit! And, fine, it that's his opinion, good for him, but does he have to be so loud and obnoxious and rude to say it so I hear him? I don't get that... The least he could do was say it a little more discreetly, but I guess that's too muh to ask. This is what happens to me all too often.

I don't get it. I don't think that I am really that ugly or that hideous, but yet these kind of things always seem to happen, so then I start thinking, ok, maybe I am. And, it''s weird, b/c it's typically always guys who do this to me.

For someone who doesnt have much a self-esteem to begin with, this is the last thing I need. And this is what makes it difficult for me to go out into the world and experience life, when so often I am faced with negative feedback. I just don't want to deal with it.

At this point, I am still upset, though I have kind of pulled myself together a bit. Logically, I know that in the long run, these type of comments and words don't mean anything. But, i can't sit here and pretend that it doesn't hurt in the moment and even still after the moment. It does. It hurts me a lot.

With my trip coming up Sunday, I am nervous that this is what is going to happen there as well. I mean, I'm sure that this incident at dinner will not be the last time. And, anyway, I'm afraid that it's going to destroy me again and ruin things for myself and my sisters, as well (who are my traveling companions).

I don't want that to happen , obviously, but I don't know how to prevent it. I try to put things in perspective and realize how minuscule these things are, but it always bothers me tremendously. I know that I shouldn't sweat the small stuff, but I just feel like I can't help it at times. I guess that's what you get for being ultra sensitive and thin-skinned... Anyone know how to change that- I'm up for any and all ideas! Frankly, I need all the help I can get!

Oh, and btw, I haven't tried the new meds yet, but seeing how this went down tonight, I'm thinking maybe I should. Maybe it would improve things, or at least take the edge off at least... But, I think I'm still going to wait til after my vacation to try it, if I decide to take it at all.

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Look, I know I need to lighten up and stop taking myself SO seriously, but that's just me.... sounds like an excuse, but in a way, it's who I have accepted myself to be. Saying that, I don't really want to seem like a drag either... so I want to shift gears a bit and end this on a different note then my typical down one. So here's the MEME that's been floating around the Diabetes OC...

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Ugh, what's with the patch of skin on my nose- ew!

2. How much cash do you have on you?
A total guess here, b/c I'm WAY too lazy to get up and actually check, but probably anywhere from about 8 to 15 dollars.

3. What's a word that rhymes with DOOR?
MORE = typical, always want something more... lol.

4. Favorite planet?
I think Venus, though I don't think I have an exact reason, or maybe Saturn... Love the rings around it.

. 5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
My sister, K. She probably heard about my little breakdown tonight and was calling to check on me... thanks to my Mom filling her in. ( I called her after this all went down).

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
I don't think I have a favorite ring tone. However, the one ringtone I purchased was "What You Waiting For" by Gwen Stefani.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
A V-neck, black and white striped, 3/4 sleeved sweater from H and M. It's one of my favorites.

8. Do you label yourself?
Yes, all the time- probably way too much so.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing:
Not wearing shoes at the moment, but was wearing my black Keds during the day.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Hmm, sometimes bright puts me in a better mood, but I think I'm still more comfortable if the room is slightly on the dark side, It makes my flaws not so obvious.

11. Why is there always a missing question?
Really don't know...

12. What does your watch look like?
I don’t wear a watch... generally I'll rely on my pump or cell phone if I need the time. But, yes, I probably should wear one, b/c I do generally show up a few minutes late to wherever I go.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Emailing M. (which is another long story... I'll post about another time)

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say
Too personal to post.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11???
Just a few short miles own the road.

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
"Hey"Or "Hey, you".

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
My Mom... after my emotional fit this evening.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
A co-worker's stuffed animal at work.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Hmm, no illegal ones. But, let's see... Cymbalta, Seasonique, and some type of dermatological medication. Then, the diabetic prescriptions- thought they are technically not drugs... Novolog and Symlin...

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
None at the moment

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
Probably 18.

22. Your worst enemy?
Definitely Myself! I think my own problems and issues with myself are worse than what anyone else does or says to me.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
A field of yellow tulips- love them! :)

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"Ok, good night"

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, what would it be?
The money... No, I realize it can't buy happiness, but it's better to be rich and miserable than poor and miserable, right?

26. Do you like someone?
Of course.

27. The last song you listened to?
All these things that I've done- The Killers

28. What time of day were you born?
I think around 6:30 am.

29. What's your favorite number?
Lucky number 7= but perhaps I need a new one :(.

30. Where did you live in 1987?
In CT

.31. Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes, I'm very jealous of people... Especially those who seem to be doing exceptionally well or are exceptionally happy, b/c I am not.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
Highly doubtful.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At home, in front of the tv... I couldn't believe my eyes!

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Use a few 4-letter choice words, bang on it, and see if I can find someone to reimburse me.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
I do. Sometimes I think too much so and then I get stepped on or hurt by others when they don't reciprocate.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Don't know how to describe this but a decorative design of flowers that goes around my wrist.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
I'd love to be able to speak Spanish... it's so commonly spoken here in the US and if I ever return to Spain, where I went once on vacation, it would be nice to know

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Yes, probably.

39. Are you touchy-feely?
Um, with certain people, but usually not with most.

40. What's your life motto?
Everything happens for a reason OR What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger (though I'm really not too sure anymore!)

41. Name three things you have on you at all times:
Insulin pump, testing supplies, and cell phone... well, usually, when I don't forget it.

42. What's your favorite town/city?
My Hometown in CT

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
A diet soda.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
It's been a long time, not sure exactly.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
Is that the same thing as adding additional oil or doing an actual oil change. If the prior then yes, if the latter, then no.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Never really been in love, sadly.

47. How far back do you know your ancestry?
Not too far.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
Again, can't remember exactly, but probably around the last major holiday... nothing too fancy, but probably a dressier outfit than I generally wear.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Yes, my head, my heart, and my neck is bothering me too.

50. Have you ever been burned by love?
Since I've never really been in love, no. But I've been let down by people I thought I could potentially love.

51. Do you have a crush on any bloggers?
I'm not telling :).

52. Where would you like to live?
I'm content with where I live now. It's not really about where you are, it's about how you feel. And I Just wish I could be happier overall

I have been meaning to post... and I'd like t say that I have a good reason why I haven't, but I really don't have any excuse.


Actually, scratch that. I think part of the reason I put off writing was b/c I was sort of hoping that I would have better things to report than I do... But, sadly, I'm still doing about the same.


Depression is a very powerful thing and, though I feel like I am trying to find ways to deal with it... I'm struggling. It really sucks.

Lately, I've been trying to figure out where my depression stems from. I really don't know. I know they say Diabetics are at least 2x as likely to experience depression, but I think my own started even prior to diagnosis.

I think a big part of my depression stems from my own self-esteem. Honestly, I am severely lacking in this department. And I think that this has been going on for a long time. There's not a whole lot of things I like about myself and sometimes I feel like I really don't like anything at all.

Having low self-esteem and being insecure makes going through life pretty difficult. I can definitely attest to that! Instead of trusting my own opinions and beliefs about myself, I look to other people for feedback on how I should feel about myself. And, let's face it, people can be very cold and judgemental...

I know it's bad that I do this, but I can't seem to help it. Whenever I walk into a public area, I scan the room to see if anyone is looking at me strangely o if anyone has a negative reaction. And then if I see anything or hear anything that I interpret as negative, I automatically assume that it's about me and it usually ruins my whole day...

It probably sounds pretty crazy to a lot of people,and maybe it is, but it is something I really struggle with. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I won't even go out somewhere, b/c I know that this will probably happen. In other words, it's getting in the way of me living my life.

I've done a lot of thinking about this and I can understand, to a point, why I do this. Like I said, my self-esteem and self-image is very low. I don't value or trust my own opinion whatsoever. So I look to others, in essence-strangers, for reassurance that I am okay... And when I don't get the reaction or feedback I desire, it really breaks me down even further.

I know I got to stop this. Why should I let what someone else, a stranger, define who I am or dictate how I feel about myself? The logical side of me knows that it just doesn't seem right. It's a pretty self-destructive way of going through life. But I really don't know how to change this. It's almost something I do automatically

Despite seeking therapy(both individual and group) and trying different medications, my overall outlook on life is still poor... I still don't feel hopeful about things changing or improving for me and this really saddens me. At this point, I'm not sure that anything is going to help :(.

I wish I could say that these things are making a difference for me, but I'd be lying if I said that. My psych actually suggested that I add another medication to see if it helps... I guess it's something to consider...

BUT, this is a medication that is unlike anything else I've taken before. And, of course, with my luck the way it is, two of the main side effects are increased blood sugar AND weight GAIN! So I do have some apprehension. Not really good things for a diabetic...especially since lately my control has sucked majorly! :(

However, saying that, the dose I am going to be on is very low and who's to say that i will experience these things? And, if it helps me, then maybe it's worth the risks.... I could always stop it if it doesnt help or if the side effects get to be too much. I may just have to try it and find out...

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So I know I've posted about this person I met, M., that I was really interested in getting to know. Well, looks like we are not going to be friends after all... which really saddens me.

Honestly, I felt a connection between M and myself... and I was drawn to M, for some reason. But it doesn't look like it was meant to be. And, it probably is mostly my own fault. I tend to push people away and this case was no exception. It's really too bad.

Time for an update...

Since I've posted last, a lot has changed. Some good, or possibly good, and some, well, not really good at all.

My mood lately has been up and down.

There are moments that I feel ok- where I feel alright with things and can function pretty normally (well, as normally as possible for me).

But those moments are so fleeting- and it seems that just about anything can send me into a tailspin and I'm back to feeling shitty and down. Not good, I know.

I just don't understand it, but I believe I've come to a realization. That is... that I am beginning to think that I look for things that are going to bring me down...

Yes, I'm very insecure and I don't really have the best opinion of myself, so I think I look for signs and feedback from others that I am "ok".

So, basically, I'll look at the people around me and try to register what is is they are thinking. If it is at all negative, I take it extremely personally... And what is really stupid about this is that whatever that person is thinking may or may not be about me, but I'll still think that it is.

I know it's a bad thing for me to do- especially knowing that people seem to like to play upon others' insecurities, but it's almost like I can't help it. I do it in just about any and every situation I am. And I think I even do it subconsciously.

But it's got to STOP.

I think it's pretty destructive to one's sense of self to always be solely relying on what other people think. It only makes getting around in the world harder and, as we all know, it's hard enough already.

Plus, why is it that others' opinions of me are more important or more valid than what I think of myself?

I guess the problem is that I have a lot of uncertainty about myself and I trust others more than I do myself. It's fair to say there's a LOT I don't like about myself- and so I think I feel like my opinion doesn't matter too much.

It frustrates me, b/c I'm sick of writing these types of posts and I'm sick of hearing myself bitch. I find it all very irritating, but yet I almost feel like this is always going to be what life is like for me.

I don't understand, why I can't just be okay with me?

Yup, another one to discuss in therapy...

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I mentioned in my last post how I was dealing with a confusing situation with a person I wasn't sure was a friend or not. Well, seems like that isn't quite over. And at this point, I still don't know what to make of it all.

We have chatted online since that post and we seemed to kind of work things out... but I have a lot of doubts.

I'm not sure that this friendship is going to work out. I keep thinking that maybe we are too different. In fact, I think we are direct opposites.

But there's a part of me that wants to pursue things further. And that par I don't really understand either ???

However, I don't really know where things stand at this point. We haven't communicated in several days... and I don't now that we will again.

I don't know, it's all very confusing and ridiculous... And like any situation in my life, I don't feel like there's an easy fix to this.

__

Last piece of news...

I recently went on an interview at a hospital in my city...

It is the same type of position I am currently in, but, of course, it's in a different place and different employer.

Now, I wouldn't ordinarily look to be changing jobs, but with the commute, the gas mileage, the wear and tear on my baby (my Honda civic), and just feeling physically (and mentally) exhausted from doing all this driving, I thought it wouldn't hurt to apply and see what happens.

Well, after a L-O-N-G interview (almost 3 hrs long), and waiting... I finally hear back from them yesterday- Friday. And guess what? I got the job!

Admittedly, i was pretty excited about this news... But, being me, I also have my hesitation and, YES, doubts.

This hospital is much bigger than the one I work at and, hence, so is the department. What this means... I don't really know- but leave it to me to think of the negative.

It could mean possibly more work (not that that's necessarily a problem), more potential for problems with people I will be working with, and, more stress.... which is something I'm pretty sure I don't need.

Not to mention, the jobs pays less than what I'm making. And that's also a definite consideraton, especially since I am barely making ends meet now. To take a drop in pay, well, I don't think that's going to work out.

Let's face it, most people wouldn't consider taking a cut in pay... In fact, I think most people only change positions if their pay goes up... So, while I don't think it should be what makes the decision for you, it is still important.

However, i do have to factor in that I will be saving money on gas and the wear and tear on the car- so it may work out to be about even.... And, if that's the case, i will definitely have give it more thought.

Ok, yes, but there is one other thing holding me back. You can probably guess...

Yes, it's fear.

No, things aren't exactly ideal at my current job- far from it, but I guess there is a certain comfort level at knowing what to expect.

I know what my responsibilities are and what's expected from me, I know my co-workers and my supervisors, and I know the basic drill... And to go from that, to something completely unknown and different is hard for me. Change has never been easy for me.

But, saying that, I know that sometimes you have to take these chances...

Just because you are comfortable with a routine is not reason enough to stay put. Ultimately, by declining out of fear, you could be really limiting yourself from something really good and a potentially great experience.

I know this, but knowing this and actually not letting fear prevent me from moving forward are two different things.

I'm going to try and keep this post short and sweet (if that's possible)... but forgive me if I ramble a bit... I'll do my best to get to the point.

Ever put yourself out on the limb or do something that you would probably never do... only to be disappointed? Unfortunately that seems like the story of my life. And, sadly, when that happens, it makes me far less likely to take further chances.

I don't really want to go into specifics... Let's just say I met someone I thought was nice and, turns out, that this person was not what I thought. Yes, I'm disappointed, I thought we could be friends, but now I don't think that's possible. :( It's really too bad.

I am trying not to let it bother me too much, but I can't deny that it does. I know I'll get past this eventually, but I know it will also affect me when I consider taking future steps out of my comfort zone.

This is truly unfortunate, b/c, truth be told, I realize that I really need to keep taking chances. I mean, how else will I grow as a person? Ugh, that's really corny, but I do believe that. Anyway, I know this type of thing, will probably be more of a hindrance for me- and that's the last thing I need.


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So, do you believe that when women feel out of control with their life, they do something with their hair? Yes, I heard this on tv... but it so applies for me!

Tuesday, I was feeling kind of anxious, insecure, and down... I thought, I could use a change and maybe it will make me feel a little better about myself. I decided after the gym, I would go to the mall and get a haircut.

The hairstylist was really nice and she took a lot of time with my hair, but when she was finished- I wasn't crazy about it. i thought I looked matronly and that it wasnt very flattering.

By the time I got home, I still was not feeling the haircut. I took out my scissors and kept debating about doing a little cutting of my own.

I put the blade of the scissors up to my hair several times, but I kept hesitating... and stopped myself.

But, then I decided, hey, it's only hair and, what the hell, I'm going to go for it! And I did. Soon, there was a mound of hair in my bathroom sink. Holy hell, was there a LOT of hair.

And after I did it, I was like OMG! I can't believe I just did that.

I had been growng my hair out for a while and it was getting pretty long and now, well, it's quite short. The shortest I've had it in quite some time.

I spent a lot of time looking at myself and trying to figure out if I liked it or not. And I'm still not sure.

For one thing, I'm not sure it's completely even (oops), and, for another, I am worried about having to do it.

I don't think it looks horrible. To my surprise, I've actually been given a lot of compliments on it, but having to keep it in shape and style it is a real pain in the ass.

I know this seems so petty and stupid, but women are really attached to their hair... and doing this certainly proved that to me!

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On that note, I'm going to try and get to sleep... I've been staying up way too late lately... but I'll try to keep you all posted more often. As always, things have been a bit crazy for me, but I am still around and I AM still reading all your blogs- you know I can't stay away! :)

BTW, Scott, thanks so much for your message- it's definitely nice to feel like someone misses you! :)

It's 12:38 am and, yes, I should be sleeping right now, but I can't... I don't know why exactly, but I'm feeling VERY alone tonight. In fact, as I write this, tears are falling. I'm sad, to put it in the most simplistic words I can probably express. But it pretty much sums ME up right now.

I know I only write here to express my sadness... at least most of the time, but I guess I don't know what else to do. There is no one else I can really talk to about this- or if there is, I don't feel like they truly understand.

My family, for example, tries to help, but mostly they tell me to just get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself.

Maybe they are right. I know I am throwing major pity parties for myself, but, despite that, aren't I still entitled to how I feel?

I feel like I have SO much hurt inside and no matter what I do or what I try- no matter what effort I make, it's no use. I am never going to get rid of it. And it really sucks.

I hate to admit this, but I get even more upset when I hear that someone I know, or am close to, is doing well. Ok, yes, it's pure jealousy. But, for some reason, when I hear that someone is really happy, excited, or is just doing well with whatever it is, it just makes me feel worse about my own situation.

It's not something I'm proud of- no, like I said, I hate that. I mean, I don't want to see anyone I care about in a bad situation by any means, but I think it bothers me how life seems to be a lot easier for them. Meanwhile, life is just shitty for me...

Lately, the best I feel is indifferent. And, like I said, that's on a good day. Then there are days like today where I just feel like this- like, I don't know if I can take anymore.

I'm sick of feeling stressed and anxious all the time. I'm sick of feeling self-conscious and insecure. I'm sick of feeling awkward and like a freak. I'm sick of dealing with idiots and stupidity. I'm sick of feeling badly about myself. I'm sick of my Diabetes. I'm sick about just about everything. And, yet, I don't know what or how to change.

Speaking of the Diabetes, I've been meaning to post about my last appointment. Well, as you may or may not know, there has been quite a lapse in time between my last appointment, which was just a couple weeks ago, and the one prior to that.

During that time, I had left my old, horrid job and started my current one and, therefore, had no insurance for about a 4 month period of time. Now, to my dismay, whenever I go w/o seeing a doctor, CDE, or dietitian for a while, I seem to lose my grip on my diabetes control. And, sadly, this time was no exception.

So, I did have an inkling that things could probably stand improvement. However, I had no idea that my controlled had slipped so much. I found out that my A1c went up from a 6.7 to a grand (NOT) 8.4. Talk about a big jump!

Obviously, this isn't the news I would hope for, but I guess it's important for me to know where things stand. Again, obviously, there is work to be done and I need to buckle down and get back on track, b/c I do think this is unacceptable and I am disappointed in myself.

Yup, just another disappointment, but, yeah, there's really only me to blame, so ... what else is new.

Anyway, I am going to try again at getting some shut eye. I know I better, b/c I will be having to get up for work in only a few short hours (lucky me!) and, if it isn't already a struggle to go in, a lack of sleep probably won't help matters. I'm hoping I'll feel a little better tomorrow, but I don't count on it... b/c most likely something will go wrong. Something always does.