I hate to say it, but I've been getting that antsy,tense, knot in my stomach feeling more and more lately. I know it's my anxiety acting up yet again and I know a lot of it has to do with my job situation.

No, it's nothing like my last job- where I wast almost scared to go in. But it's still not great. I mean, lately I feel like I am being pushed too much! And, yes, while I can work under a certain amount of pressure, when it becomes too much, I tend to go into panic mode...

Without going into too much detail, I recently took a job at a hospital as a medical coder. Now, this field is completely new to me. I've never coded before and, therefore, had really no idea what to expect.

That, said, I completely underestimated what goes into this job. I never anticipated how much I would have to learn and all the responsibilty that would fall on my shoulders. It's challenging, and while that's a good thing, it's also a little overwhelming too.

When I first started, it was fine. We started out slowly... My manager, J., who is not exacly the most friendly or helpful teacher, did his best to show me things little by little, which was good. However, as with any job, I soon was expected to take on more responsibility. I would be learning how to do ER coding, who would be taught to me courtesy of my co-worker, L.

I actaully was very eager for the challenge. I was doing radiology coding and some other random busy work, but, truth be told, it was becoming somewhat tedius to me. There's really only so many mammograms and bone densities that you can code before it becomes boring. So, when I was told that I would be learning how to code ER records, I was excited. It was nice to be given something new.

And, frankly, it is actually very interesting. You'd be amazed at what you see in the ER- just about anything and everything. You might see anything from a child who swallowed a coin to someone there for a psych consult (no, not me!).

However, at the same time, the variety of issues, symptoms, and diseases seen in the ER also makes things a little difficult too. Sometimes it isn't so clearcut on how to code the record or selecting which code is appropriate.

Also, unlike other types of coding at this hospital, I am also responsible for charge posting (entering the charges ($$$) for the ER). It's probably good that I'm picking up this skill, for possible future use, but it's also a pain. It too can be difficult to know how to charge things.

And, along with that, it can be time consuming. Not such a good thing, when you have a certain amount of records you are supposed to get done a day... Something which only adds to my anxiety.

To make matters worse, L., who had been trying to teach me what she could about ER coding, recently got into a car accident. Meaning, I am basically on my own now! Yes, my manager is there and K., who had done ER coding in the past, is there as well, but, honestly, they are not much help to me.

L. was the one who really knew what she was doing and always was very helpful to me. She never heisitated to explain things or answer my questions. But with the extent of her injuries, she is going to be gone for awhile, so this leaves me very nervous about the state of things.

My manager doesn't do a whole lot of coding himself. His job is basically to delegate who does what and some other odds and ends. He spends very little time coding. So, in L.'s absence, when I have had to ask him a question, I often get the impression that he just doesn't know. His response is usually go ask K., or don't worry about it... which is, frankly, not an answer.

And to go to K is, usually, no better either. She will either say I don't know, tell me an answer I'm not sure is right, or send me back to J., who told me to speak to her in the first place. So, like I said, I'm on my own.

At that point, I'm kind of at a loss at what to do. I try my best to code and charge as I think is right, but most of the time it's almost like an educated guess. No, it's not the best way to do things by any means, but what else am I supposed to do?

I know I shouldn't, especially seeing how I am not getting much help, but I am feeling the pressure regardless... I'm trying my best, but, I know I haven't been doing everything perfect. In fact, I'm 100% sure I've made some mistakes. That doesn't exacly sit well with me, but I guess that sort of the learning process too, right?

I hope that they understand that and that it doesn't come back to haunt me, but, with how things usually go for me, I wouldn't be that surprised.

Anyway, the whole situation is just making me feel very insecure. And I really don't like feeling that way at all. Yes, I know it's going to take more time, but I just wish I felt better about what I've learned and what I'm doing.

Plus, I wish I could get rid myself of some of this pressure and anxiety. It really doesn't help matters, but I know it also goes along with being pushed so much and taking all this on so quickly.

And on top that, I realize it has to do with me too. No surprise, butI belive it also has to do with the pressure I put on myself. I know it isn't helping, but it's something I just can't help. I just hope it doesn't get in the way of being good at or, even, doing my job at all.

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J., my therapist, and I met again today for another session... It actually didn't start off as I may have wanted it to start, but turned out to be time well spent. After the past few weeks of having emotional breakdowns, I had plenty on my mind... which probably goes without saying. A lot of things came up and we discussed a lot!

Prior to our appointment, I have a habit of thinking about what I am going to say in therapy. I know I really shouldn't do that-therapy should be a place where I'm comfortable enough to let whatever I'm feeling out. But, saying that, I guess I'm just not at the point yet...

In any case, it usually never goes as I plan. Despite what I think I might mention or bring up, things typically go in a totally different direcion. And Friday, was no exception. From the moment I walked into that office, things were already off.

Normally, J. never keeps me waiting. Soon after I get there, she's already out to greet me. Or sometimes she's already at the front desk doing something when I arrive.

However, this time, she was no where to be found. After waiting, and waiting, and waiting, J., finally, comes out. Yes, I was a little annoyed.... which I did my best to hide, but I'm sure she picked up on it.

Yes, it was only a 10 minute wait, but I only get 30 minutes for our session, since I take it during my lunch break. The fact that I wasted 10 minutes of this time in the waiting room just didn't sit too well with me. And since J. knows this, I couldn't figure out why things were delayed.

I think that and the fact that I was already irritable to begin with, gave me the opportunity to bring up something that's been weighing on my mind since I started therapy with her. Quite frankly, I wanted more feedback from her... AND, more importantly, I wanted to know what she thought of us being paired up.

I mean, if we are going to be working together in getting my life on track, I think it's good to evaluate whether this is a good partnership or not. And I wanted her opinion.

Her response didn't really surprise me that much. She kind of turned the questions around on me and asked me what I thought about it. J feels, in her opinion, it's more important for me to feel content with her as my therapist... which, ok, is probably true- it is my life afterall.

Usually, I would be a little apprehensive of being completely honest for fear that the other person is going to become annoyed or angry with me. But I figured that I need to just tell her the truth.

I admitted a lot.

Like:

NO, I'm not confident in how things are going...

And maybe it's unrealistic or just me being impatient, but I sort of thought I would be feeling at least a little different by now...

And, no, I don't feel like we are accomplishing much in therapy...

Plus, it often seems like just when I get started talking, we have to wrap things up, b/c I have to go.

Thirty minutes is really short when you have a lot of issues (LOL).

J. did address all these things. She said that the reason that we haven't gotten to working on more concrete things is b/c she has been trying to get to know me first. How can she help me if she hasn't learned enough about me to do so?

Also, she brought up that she could tell that I am having a bit of a hard time expressing myself with her. And even said that from the outside, I often misrepresent how I feel by camouflaging things with a smile.

J. noticed how I'll be talking about all these difficult things and yet there will be a smile on my face while I do so.

Yeah, that does seem a little weird, but it's hard for me to just let all those emotions out when talking with someone I don't know that well. I think maybe, in a way, it's also my way of fooling myself and, perhaps, her, that things aren't as bad or pathetic as they sound. And that's something we need to explore.

J knows that it's going to take time for me to feel comfortable and that we can't expect that right away. And that even thoughI'm impatient, how can I expect things to change if she isn't fully tuned into that everything that is going on!

It makes sense. I can't expect that- I know I need to give it more time.

As for the short sessions, in March I will be getting longer appointments, so I think that will make a difference too. Also, she is going to see if I can get an appointment with the psychiatrist sooner. (I think she realizes that my depression is more severe that originally thought and I may need and benefit from medication-which I have mixed feelings about, but am wiling to try).

All in all, I think it was a good appointment. I got some things out in the open that needed to be said and I think we are going to continue to work together. I admit, I may have reacted unfairly, at first, due to my impatience and irritability, but she did understand and I get the feeling that she does genuinely want to help me.

I didn't end up going to work today... The weather turned out to be a nasty, cold, icy mess! :-(. I'm really not a fan of cold, snow, or ice at all, but, that said, I'm sort of glad that it turned out to be like this. I don't think I could have gone in today anyway~ I never realized how much depression can take out of a person. It's truly astounding.

I've received several comments and posts from readers that have really been so caring and encouraging- a lot telling me that things will get better. I am so appreciate and grateful for those remarks... I just wish I could believe that more for myself.

At this point, I'm extremely negative about everything. I can't count how many times, I've cried, sobbed, or broken down in some way. Yes, I've always been an extremely emotional person in the past- ok, maybe too much so, but that was nothing in comparison to how I've been recently. I'm really falling apart at the seams.

Lately, just about anything and everything gets to me. It could be the smallest thing... yet it would still get to me. I feel like just staying in my apartment and not dealing with anything or anyone.

Speaking of which, more and more, I am noticing how much people suck! I'm not going to go into detail, but why do people try so hard to break others down?! I have never understood why people need to be so mean for no reason.

I know it's probably my own insecurity at fault (it's no mystery, but, yes, I'm extremely insecure). However, I don't understand why people can't just leave me alone. At times I feel like I must have something posted on my forehead that says "Freak!" or something from the reaction I have been receiving from others.

It might sound like I'm paranoid, but I know I'm not imaging it. It's really getting me down... and making feel like shit. Even if I start off the day feeling a little bit better about myself, there's always something or someone that comes along that has to take that away from me. Why must that always happen?

Logically, I realize that I am the one letting people hurt me, but I can't help it...which only shows the pathetic state of my self-esteem.

I think, for some reason, when I notice those reactions from others, I start thinking that there must be something wrong with me...and all these things start going through my head. Am I that bizarre, freakish, or hideous? Maybe so.

That's obviously not everything that's bothering me, but it's a big part of it...

I wish I didn't care so much what other people thought of me.

I wish I was confident in myself and who I am.

I wish I could just be like, fuck you, and move on.

But it somehow always chips away at me.

It's an issue that I probably need to discuss in therapy(among the many, many issues I have). I don't want these kind of things wouldn't continue to break me down...

Yes, there will always be people who are cruel and mean for no reason, and if I let this upset me the way it has, I' m doomed to stay in this state of mind the rest of my life :(... and, obviously, that's not what I want!

It sucks feeling like this. Don't I deserve to be happy too? I mean is being happy really asking for too much?

Sometimes I feel like just throwing my hands up in the air and saying, "what's the point?!" I mean, judging from my past (and recent) experiences, maybe it means that I don't deserve happiness at all and that, despite how much I try, I will never find it in my life...

And if that's the case, then I'm not sure I want to continue this way.

I know it will come as no surprise to most readers, but I've come to realize that I have been slipping deeper and deeper into a depression. This weekend it reared it's ugly head... I spent most of it extremely down in the dumps. I think I was either in tears or on the verge of tears at almost every moment...

As I've mentioned, I have started to seek therapy at my workplace. Friday, we met up again for a short session. Now, usually, I can pretty much hold myself together in public places, but I think after working a full week and being exhausted, every emotion and anxiety I was having came out!

It's strange, b/c even with my therapist, I'm still apprehensive of being completely honest about how I feel. I know I shouldn't be- I mean, it's her job to listen without judgement and help me deal with the chaos of my life... But, I can't help but worry about what she might be thinking.

Is she thinking, "Oh-my-God, What a Loser? or, "Wow, this girl has a LOT of issues"...

Honestly, if I was in her shoes, I'd probably be thinking that, despite what training and professionalism I am supposed to maintain... I think that, b/c of this, it's really going to be difficult to benefit as fully from these sessions.

However, Friday, when I broke down, even though I was conscious of what I was rambling about, I shared a lot! She got to see a lot of my insecurity, anxiety, self-doubt, hopelessness, and so forth.

I left feeling uneasy. I really don't like revealing that much about myself to people who I don't know that well. It takes a LONG time for me to build trust with others and I felt like I was showing way too much. Very disconcerting for me.

Somewhere during the session, it came out that I wasn't feeling too hopeful about things. I'm not hopeful that therapy, meds, or whatever else is going to help. J. said that that that only shows the magnitude of my depression.

All I know is that I don't want to continue this way... I'm sick of building up my expectations, only to be disappointed... I'm sick of being let down... I'm sick of dealing with chronic illness...

I certainly don't want my life to continue be like this. I'm not enjoying it at all- I'm miserable.

BUT...I just don't see how things are going to change or improve. Let's be real here, usually things don't get easier- at least they don't for me. I don't see how things are going to turn around.

I think the title says it all!

It would be really nice to say that things are looking up... I sincerely would like to be able to say that, but I can't... I'm still down :( and mopey-dopey. Sorry, I know I must be boring those of you who have continued to read my blog. (though I don' t blame those who have given up!).

Anyway, despite how I'm feeling, I think I do need to take a break from writing about my mood. I've noticed that a few of my fellow bloggers have played the Shuffle game... Actually, I don't know if that's what it's called... Megan @ Fading to Gray recently did this game on January 29th, if you want to check her answers out.

At first I didn't think that I could play along, I don't have an IPod or a MP3 player, but I do have music downloaded to my computer and if I put my Window Media Player on Shuffle, turns out I can! :) Anyway,you put your player on Shuffle, it, basically, answers the following questions, and away you go :).

What does next year have in store for me?
Stop- Matchbox Twenty

What's my love life like?
Poem to a Horse- Shakira ~ OMG, laughing my ass off!

What do I say when life gets hard?
The only Difference between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage- Panic! at the Disco

What do I think of on waking up?
O'Sailor- Fiona Apple

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Mad Season- Matchbox Twenty- O-K...

What do I want as a career?
Leave- Matchbox Twenty (this seems pretty accurate :p )

Favorite place?
Jumper-ThirdEye Blind

What do I think of my parents?
10 Days Late- ThirdEye Blind ~ Ha Ha

What's my porn star name?
La Tortura- Had to do this one a few times too ~ hmm, don't know what to think about this answer though.

Where would I go on a first date?
Bed of Lies- Matchbox Twenty~ ! Ummm, NO!

Drug of choice?
Wreck of the Day- Anna Nalick- ?

Describe myself
Hang- Matchbox Twenty- the previous answer probably is a better description

What is the thing I like doing most?
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off- Panic! at the Disco~ LOL

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
In the Rough- Anna Nalick

How will I die?
Shame- Matchbox Twenty ~ I hope NOT :( :( :(



That was A LOT of fun... made me laugh a few times, which I definitely needed. I think the answers were kind of skewed, though, I have a lot of Matchbox Twenty on my computer, as you can see . Oh well. Anyway, it's your turn~ give it a go! :)

As you can see, I decided to change the template to my blog as well as the title. I just thought it was time... Naming my blog, "My Blog", ok, wasn't the most original title... a 2nd grader could probably do better, but I guess at the time when I started it, it was all that came to mind.

Complete Chaos seems to be a lot more fitting, in my opinion- it kind of sums up how my life has been... and how I feel most days. I know, I know, wah, wah, poor baby, but I'd be lying if I said that this is not how I feel.

Anyway, I hope that you will all continue to come and visit and post~ and I'll try to get the links up again as soon as possible. (I didn't realize that changing the template would delete them all! :( )..

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Life, lately, for me has been pretty rough... I think it's fair to say that that seems to be the general trend for me as a whole. But, unfortunately, it just seems even harder lately. I wish I could say why that is. All I know, is that my state of mind right now is in a fragile place at the moment.

Admittedly, I've been a real bear to deal with. My moods have ranged from: being a teary-eyed, complete emotional mess, to being nasty and mean for no reason, to being easily distracted and unfocused, to being depressed/anxious. And then there's still times when I'm being completely silly, and, almost, giddy. It would be fair to say that my moods have pretty much covered all the bases.

But what I think bothers me most is dealing with my depression/anxiety~ which is my typical mood it seems. And it's, unfortunately, making things extremely difficult at the moment.

Sometimes I feel like I could get to the point where I don't want to get out of bed... or don't want to venture into or face the world... which are pretty scary feelings for me. It frightens me, b/c I know it's a very real possibility and I don't think it would take that much to push me over that line. It's not somethingI want to happen, but, at the same time, I'm not sure there's any way to truly prevent it or stop it either.

I know that some of you are going to think or maybe suggest I seek therapy again... But, I want to let you all know, that I am currently meeting with someone.

I've met with J. for maybe a month now and, so far, she's been pretty nice and easy to talk to. But, to be perfectly honest, I am just not sure it's really helping. Yes, it takes time and I know I need to be patient, but I am still skeptical (ever the skeptic) if therapy is really the answer for me. Maybe I need something a little more intense. What that is- I'm not exactly sure, but I'm willing to explore whatever options there are.

One thing that crossed my mine is medication. I've tried anti-depressants in the past w/o much success, but perhaps there are newer medications available that have the potential to help me. My philosophy, if you can call it that, is that I'm willing to do whatever it takes, if it has the possibility of helping me.

Let's face it, life is just too short. And why waste the time you have being miserable, anxious, or depressed? It's not worth it. Frankly, I feel that waking up and having so much anxiety everyday is just a horrible way to live life... That's what I've been doing thus far, sadly.

But it's about time things change. There's no reason that life should have to be this hard, and if it's me who's making it this hard, then I need to do something about that.