Ever feel like you need a change or need to make some kind of drastic move? Well, that's the way I've been feeling. I'm not sure exactly what kind of change I'm looking for exactly, but I know that something has to be done to break up the monotony of my life...

I hate to say it, but there's nothing going on in my life that I really excited about or interested in. Each day I wake up to do the same practical routine, go to bed, and do the same thing all over again. I don't look forward to work :(, but while I'm there all I can think about is getting out. Then, when I'm home, I look forward to getting out. I know that everyone has some routineness to their lives, but things have been this way for me for too long! I can't remember when I was really excited or looking forward to something.

I'm not sure what that means, but my guess is that there's something missing in my life. People have all different types of needs, such as physical, spiritual, emotional, and psychological ,among others. When one is not being met or is insufficient, I think it leads people to feeling the way I do.

Last week, I had a little argument with my mom (sadly, not too unusual). Of course, it was about my Diabetes and the fact that, I feel, she lacks interest in my disease. I know people say things that they don't mean when they are angry, but I think sometimes there is an element of truth in what is said. Basically, my Mom said that to her, it seems, that I have no other interest outside my Diabetes. In other words, she was telling me that don't have a life. I let my Diabetes take over everything and I don't partake in anything that would make my life more interesting or fufilling.

Ok, ok, maybe she's right. There isn't a whole heck of a lot of things that I'm interested in. I don't have any hobbies, aside from my hobby of surfing the internet for Diabetes related things, but that relates to Diabetes, so I guess that doesn't count. I don't belong to any clubs. And I don't take any classes or lessons at the moment.

My average work day consists of me getting up and ready for work, staying at work until 4:30ish, and then heading for the gym. By the time I get home, I am usually starving and exhausted. I really don't feel like doing anything by that point. I'm sure most people my age would still go out and do things, even after a long day. And I know that most have a variety of interests, aside from just one thing, but I'm just not one of them. Yes, Diabetes consumes most of my thoughts, and maybe it's not healthy, but it's part of who I am and I am not going to pretend otherwise. However, I agree that it shouldn't be the only thing that I take an interest in.

If I knew or found something I was really excited about, I'm sure life would be a little nicer, but I just don't have the motivation or energy to figure out what that is. No, I'm not depressed, if that's what you are thinking (at least I don't think so). I think I'm just in a rut and I'm not yet ready to do anything about it...though it doesn't stop me from complaining about it, lol.

It's funny because I've had these random ideas of things I could do, including shaving my head or possibly moving to CA. The shaving my head thing, well, I guess that really appeals to me only b/c I'd love to see people's reactions ( everyone thinks I'm SO straight-laced). But the moving to California idea really is something I've considered and still wonder about. It would be a huge change, one I'm not sure I'd be prepared for, but maybe it's necessary and worth it. I mean, I like Cali. The weather's usually nice, the lifestyle seems so much more relaxed, and the idea of starting over somewhere else is really exciting and frightening at the same time.

However, there's no way I can just up and move. I don't have a job there, I don't have a place to stay, I don't know anyone, aside from my uncle and his family, and I'd really be by myself. Not to mention that I would have to go through the process of finding a new doctor, Endocrinologist, and CDE/dietician. That's not a process I particularly enjoy. Also, I wonder if I'd be homesick, sad, and even more lonely than I already can be at times. I know I'd miss my family a lot and talking on the phone, just isn't the same. That would definitely be the main reason preventing me from making that giant step.

I guess I could always come back if I hated it that much, but it seems like an awful lot to go through, and put my family through, if I'm not going to stay and make it work. I don't know, I'm not ruling it out, it's an option I'm considering, but I don't know if right now is the right time. I guess we'll see.

My last blog centered on how I had just been put on the CGMS by Minimed. Before I kind of review this experience, I wanted to address some of the comments on my last posting.

CGMS- is a constant glucose monitoring system, put out by Minimed. It looks similar to a pump, in my opinion, but is slightly bulkier and the screen and buttons are a little different. It has some kind of sensor device which is inserted under the skin with what looks like a Sil-serter and is worn usually for a 3 day period, tracking and recording glucose values.

The system I used, did not make it possible to view the readings. I knew prior to using it that I would have to wait until the 3 days were over, for the results were downloaded by the physician's practice. I admit, I am curious about those readings and, also, the accuracy, but this was the only thing available to me at the time.

As far as I know, it is available pretty much everywhere, but for those interested, I would check out Minimed's homepage to verify this (www. Minimed.com). I think there is a lot more information to be found there. Also, I'm sure MM's explanation of this system is a lot better than my own, but I will do my best to try and explain it as best as possible.

The device takes blood sugar readings once every 10 minutes, I believe. However, the user has to also keep taking their own tests, at least 3 to 4 a day, to keep it calibrated. In addition to that, the user also has to keep record of blood sugar, insulin doses, food intake, and misc. info. The CGMS is designed for the person to enter in blood sugar readings at least 3 x a day and also to enter in certain "events". These events include when eating a meal, taking insulin, exercise, or any other significant happening. After the period of wearing this sensor, the doctor, or whomever would interpret these results, would download the readings from the sensor. It would also put a little flag on the graphs and reports it prints showing when these "events" took place. From the results, the doctor could see if certain changes need to be made or if things should be left alone.

Currently, I'm coming to the end of my time wearing this thing and, to be honest, I'm concerned. I'm not sure that this experience is really going to help me. I know, I know...I need to stop being so doubtful of everything, but I guess it's just the pessimist in me. I want this to work for me, I really do, but I can't help thinking that there are problems with this system.

Actually, I've had these doubts even before making the arrangements to try this out. The thing I am most concerned about is what you can really conclude from wearing this sensor. The last three days have been dramatically different from each other. So when that happens, how do you know how to change things or make adjustments? The Rep assured me that by wearing this for 3 days straight, there is a lot that can be told about your current control and regimen, but I am not convinced. Like basal testing and research studies, these things have to be repeated again and again before any conclusions can be made. I've worn this only once for 3 days, I'm not sure that's enough to draw conclusions.

Yes, I know, there's a heck of a lot of readings and things going on that I am not privy to. However, from the readings I've been having(with my flash monitor), I can see that each day has varied greatly from the previous. So my question is, if there's no real pattern, then how would my doctor know how to make changes in my current regimen? The only predictability is that things, concerning my current control, have been and will remain to be considerably unpredictable. I'm beginning to think that's the whole nature to this disease, well, for me anyways.

Then the other thing I'm concerned about is that I don't think it's painting an accurate picture of the problems I've been experiencing regarding exercise and the persistent highs after dinner and before bed. During the last 3 days, those things haven't been happening as consistently as they had been during the last several months- which totally confounds and confused me. For so long I've battling this issue and now that I'm wearing this sensor, my body decides that it's not going to react it's usual way? GRRR...it's just my luck.

Monday (day of being placed on this system), I exercised in the morning, as opposed to the time I regularly go, which is after work. That night I ate a good dinner and tested as usual after I ate. To my surprise, I tested in at 155 after dinner. This is an extremely good reading for me, considering that most my readings are usually well above the 200 range during this time. However, as happy as I was at this reading, I thought, well, maybe I should have gone to work out during my usual time- so that the sensor and my doctors would be able to see the problems that I usually experience.

So I decided Tuesday to go to the gym after work. Before I went, I tested my blood sugar and, unfortunately, came out with a high reading (255). I honestly didn't feel high- I even felt a little like I do when I am experiencing low sugars. So I repeated the test only to find out basically the same results. On the way to the gym, I thought, I better not taking any chances-so I ate half of a balance bar, just to be on the safe side, and set a temporary basal. I finally got to the gym, did my workout, and left. I noticed that I felt pretty good after my workout- better than I usually do, which I found odd. I tested that night and came in at about 104, which is perfect, but not what I wanted the sensor to capture. Then to top it off, I was still in "good" range after dinner as well. My post dinner reading was 98- ugh. Why couldn't my readings be this good most other days?!

Last night, I again ventured to the gym after work. My pre-workout reading was in the 130s, so I decided that I better have a snack before hand and also set a temp basal. I knew that starting this low, I would drop pretty quickly if I didn't do those things, at least that's what I thought.

Well, I was wrong. I guess both things put me over the edge. My post-workout reading was 190- which, again, was not a good representation of what usually goes on. For the rest of the evening, I continued to stay in the high range, even though I had taken a correction and had taken more insulin than I thought necessary for dinner. I finally started to come down before bed...the last reading for the night was 175.

Yes, it's a little disappointing, b/c I thought the purpose of this device was to capture a fuller picture of the problems and issues we experience as Diabetics. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it has probably caught some patterns or possible trends. However, I'm not sure that it captured what I was hoping it would.

I guess, on the bright side (I'm trying here!), if it helps in any small way, it will be worth it, but I was hoping it would help to solve the main issues, which is my exercise and the impact is has on my sugar levels. I guess that might mean that my basal testing may continue, but maybe that was the better way to go anyway.

For those of you who don't know this, I got "hooked up" to the CGMS system- the monitoring system put out by Minimed- today. I'm guessing that that would be many of you...seeing that I don't think I mentioned it in my past blogs.

I actually got this suggestion from a fellow blogger (Julia-TY :) btw) and thought it was a great idea, especially since I'm having all these issues and problems testing my basal rates. However, I ran into a road block :( .

The Endocrinology practice I see currently doesn't use this system. I guess in the past they had problems billing and getting paid by insurance and, let's face it, if they're don't get paid, they're not going to provide the service. I thought, ok, well, maybe I wouldn't be able to use the system. However, my CDE suggested I call MM and see if there's another way to get around this.

The rep I spoke to was extremely nice....she suggested I call some other offices around my area and see if it would be possible to arrange to use this system. I lucked out. I knew of a doctor in my old town, who specializes in Diabetes care. After explaining the situation to the front desk and CDE, she said that she will look into it and see if I could get on this monitoring unit. Not too long after that, I received a voice mail saying I would be able to do this. YAY :)

So yesterday was the big day. I was both excited and anxious about trying this out. I thought it would provide useful information and save me from having to do the the basal tests I so look forward to doing (NOT). Plus, with all the information it would collect it might help me to figure out how to deal with all my current exercise issues...which is really what I am looking for.

Being that it was President's day, and most places are closed (except us :( ) I figured, I would go workout, go to the appointment, and then go to work. Things worked out well for the most part, except that I was a little late getting to the office to hook up. The office staff didn't seem too upset, but I hate that rushed feeling. You think I would learn by now.

After filling out a mess of paper work, I was taken back and shown the system. The rep from MM, who was coming to put me on the system, hasn't arrived. As the CDE was discussing it, he came in and we started the process. It seemed pretty straightforward and if you could wear and use a pump, this didn't seem like it was going to be any more difficult.

Then came the part of inserting sensor. I hate any kind of set change, so inserting this was something I was dreading. I was told that it would be inserted into the lower back, above the butt, which I've never used before. I wasn't sure how this was going to be, if it would hurt. Turns out, it wasn't that bad...though once I saw the serter (looked like a SIL serter) I started feeling anxious again. But it was over and done in a blink and aside from it being somewhat awkward (who needs to expose their butt area?), it was fine.

That brings me to where things stand now... As far as I know, the sensor is on and working away taking readings of my blood sugar on a pretty continuous and consistent basis. Being that I have a careless and clumsy side, I was worried that I would rip it off accidentally or sit on it, but so far this hasn't happened- and hopefully, it won't . I did run into one little snag (no pun intended). I had the sensor on my waist band. All of a sudden I felt this heavy tug on my back. I looked down to see it swinging towards the floor. How it came loose, I don't know, but just hope it didn't dislodge or loose any readings in any way.

So that's my update. Hopefully, I'll learn a lot from this experience and it will really help me in achieving better control. My last A1c was 6.9, but with any luck my next one will be even better now that I am trying to fine tune things. Here's hoping for the best :)

After the problems I have been having with my blood sugar recently, I made the executive decision to move my appointment up. Last week, I had major problems with high blood sugar (for no apparent reason) and I'm still experiencing the same blood sugar issues that I have been, after exercise. I didn't want to hold off or wait any longer, so I called and asked if I could be seen sooner.

Well, the appointment was today. My main goal was to discuss some of the problems I've been having with my Diabetes. I was hoping that by voicing my concerns, Dr. P would take my concerns a little more seriously. That is, serious enough to realize that some kind of change or adjustment is needed to my current Diabetes Regimen. I mean, isn't the goal to achieve better blood sugar readings and, ultimately, control? And who is the best judge of where things stand, than the person dealing with the disease first hand. However, that sometimes doesn't mean too much, unfortunately.

Anyway, things kind of got off to a rocky start to begin with, which is never a good sign. My plan was to get up this morning...and get my workout done and out of the way. Well, of course, things CAN'T be that simple for me- they never are. I didn't have to wake up as early as I would have to if I was going to work. I guess that was one nice thing. So I got myself dressed and ready to go to the gym. By the time I got in my car and was on my way, it was 8:20 ...my goal was to be on my way @ 8:00.

I got to the road, before the main intersection, and realized it was completely backed up. :( This was not good. Anyway, since I am still not that familiar with my neighborhood yet, I wasn't' sure of another way to go to get to the main road. But I decided to take my chances, so I made a U turn and followed one of the other cars that had also decided to turn around.

I actually found my way out. You don't know what a big accomplishment that is, but, believe me it is. I admit, this girl has absolutely NO sense of direction. It was pretty much a miracle that I ended up on the main road and knew where I was. Of course, it was further back from where I needed to go (and also extremely backed up), but, like I said, at least I knew where I was. Finally, after I got past that road and another busy intersection, I got to my destination.

By this time, it was 8:45 am. This left me only about an hour to do my exercise, and quickly change and get ready for my appointment. The trip up to my Endo is about 15 to 20 min, depending on traffic. I was planning on running for, at least, an hour today on the treadmill, showering, and doing my hair. However, due to my chronic tardiness and the traffic situation, I knew that wasn't going to fly. I had to modify my workout substantially and skip the shower. I know that sounds gross, but there was no way I was going to make my appointment if I tried to do all that. So I quickly washed up a bit, changed, and ran my flat iron through my hair. I left the gym at about 9:55. I ended up being 5 or so minutes late. Not to make excuses for myself, but are doctor's offices ever "on time"? No, so I don' think it messed things up too much in the long run.

I soon was called back by the medical assistant, so I followed her back to one of the side offices. To my dismay, I was told to stop at the scale. I was kind of hoping to skip over this part of the exam. I didn't think that I had been overeating lately, but I always apprehensive about stepping on the scale. Well, guess what?! I gained :( :( :( . How can that be???! I am still exercising pretty religiously and I've been trying to be more conscious of my food choices and yet I put on weight? Ugh :( . How frustrating.

I know it's only up a pound or two, but I was up at my last appointment too, so I am kind of in disbelief of this whole thing. Hmmm, can I blame it on water weight? LOL. After that, I felt like a plump sausage in my pink sweater and grey slacks. You ever notice how tight clothes get after finding out that you've gained a little weight. I am trying to make peace with it, but I haven't been able to get comfortable since that point

Anyway, after that, the medical assistant took my pulse and blood pressure and then took my blood sugar (which she almost forgot). Incidentally, both my blood pressure and my pulse were low. So...I guess it makes perfect sense that my blood sugar would follow suit. I tested in at a lovely 49. I kind of had the feeling I would be , but I wasn't experiencing any drastic symptoms, such as shakiness. The only real symptom was a bit of light headed-ness.

I wasn't real happy about this reading. I knew what it would mean. They would not let me drive until we brought it back up. So out she goes to fetch juice and peanut butter crackers (just what I need for my diet :( ).

When this happened once before, they made me sit and eat until it was up. For some reason, that day, my blood sugar just did not want to budge. I basically ate the practice out of house and home. They gave me glucose tablets, juice, crackers, and pastries... before I was back near normal range. Later on I rebounded high. It's sort of a no win situation. So this time, I was praying that it would not be a repeat of that. Thankfully, it wasn't. I drank the juice and ate about 3 crackers and it seemed to do the job.

As for the visit itself, it went okay. I really like my Endo a lot. He's very down to earth and easy to talk to, which is so important when it comes to treating a disease like this one. Instead of sitting up on the examining table, he had me come sit beside him and we discussed what has been going on, on a more "level" manner. Have to say, I really do prefer that approach.

I again voiced my frustration and disappointment that I am still experiencing the same problems with my blood sugar levels. I think he understands, but, again, he stressed how important it is to make sure my basals were correct, before anything more drastic is done, i.e. Symlin. I know that makes sense and I told him that I understand that, but after a while a person's patience runs thin. He was trying to be sympathetic to how I feel, but I don't think there's any way for him to fully understand what it's like. He was pretty adamant about testing the basals (for all times of day) and then seeing where things go from there. Obviously, I wasn't going to be able to change his mind. He was sticking to his guns.

So as things stand now, I have to, again, perform the basal test-ugh- for the evening and check in with him in about 2 weeks, aka a phone conference. Then he wants to do another follow-up in a month or so to see where things are from there. Although, I am not happy that there wasn't any adjustment or change, it is nice to know that he willing to work with me on this. That is encouraging to me.

I guess we'll see how things go from here. I think once I get the basal testing finished, I'll be feeling a little better and, who knows, maybe I'll see some improvement. At this point, I'll take any improvement I can get. A slight bit is better than nothing at all.

Humbug, it's V DAY >:o(

I'm in protest of Valentine's Day- blech, ick, boo! :( I decided yesterday that I was going to get up today and express my distaste for this so-called "holiday". Part of that expression is my choice of clothing. I went for an all black ensemble. Sure, it probably looks like I am in mourning, but I really don't care. Another thing...I refuse to say the full V word...or I choose to say it as little as possible (I know that I wrote it out once in this blog entry already). And, not only that, but if I hear someone else say it or make reference to it...I can't help but to grimace or wince in some way. Ugh, can't stand it.

I know, I know...I'm being a BIG baby... but this day isn't fun for some of us. And today I SO don't feel like being a good sport about it. If people have a problem with that, well, I guess that's their problem, not mine. OMG, the inner bitch is really coming out today.

Today, I forgot for a moment what day it was. However, that happy moment soon came to an end. I walked into Stop & Shop at lunch time and came face to face with a table set up with V Day decorations and flowers for customers to purchase. Ugh! Plus, there seemed to be a lot more guys in the store. Well, of course, they were there buying flowers or other mementos for their sweethearts.

Maybe one day it will be different. Maybe I'll actually look forward to this day... But for right now, it's not one that I enjoy and what makes it even worse is that I have heard it mentioned or referenced countless times, even more than I have in the past. Or maybe it's just because I'm more conscious of it for some reason. I guess that could very well be the case.

Right now it's about 3 pm, so I've made it through a good portion of the day. Don't know how, but I am managing. Just don't know how tonight is going to be... I mean, being that I am at work, it's easier to occupy my mind- tonight I don't know. I guess I'll get by. It's really just another day for me. :(

If you haven't already, check out Nicole P.'s blog, aka Curious Girl. She provides her answers to the following question, which was originally thought up by Julia (I believe). Also, if you haven't already, please check out their blogs. I just added Curious Girl's (Nicole) and Major Bedhead (Julia's) blogs to my links... Also, please check out Kelsey's blog, My Diabetes Diary (also in my links.) All are AWESOME blogs :).

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your blog along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they’re listening to.

If you are asking, "well, was she tagged?" The answer is...well, no, not exactly. However, I thought that I would add my 2 cents anyway, since I like this question and, also, because it doesn't seem like Nicole tagged anyone in particular. She left it up to her fellow bloggers and readers to participate if they so choosed. Well, I want participation points (remember that from school? lol). Seriously, I thought it was a good/interesting question, so I'd like to share my answers, as well.

My answer basically comes down to 2 music groups/artists. These two are my favorites and I am constantly listening to them, even at work. I'm sure my co-workers may be getting a little sick of hearing the same music, but that hasn't stopped me yet. Hey, I'll do whatever gets me through the day.

So without further ado...here are my picks :)

Counting Crows

Can I just say that I love, love, LOVE this group! Umm... did I mention I love the CC?! :)

When they first arrived on the music scene, I really did not care for them. However, my sister became a loyal follower. The more she played them, the more I started to pay attention to their songs and, reluctantly, I started to like them myself. Adam Duritz writes the most amazing songs...I only wish I could be half talented.

These are a few songs I like in particular:

'Round Here- a great song off their debut album "August and Everything After".

But the girl on the car in the parking lot...
Says, 'Man, you should try and take a shot
Can't you see my walls are crumbling?'
Then she looks up at the building
And says she's thinking of jumping
She says she's tired of life
She must be tired of something
Round Here...

Just seems to jive with me on certain days, especially ones where I feel I can't take anymore. I'm sure most of us have had "those" days. The world, and everyone in it, seems to get to us. I don't know how, but somehow we manage to pull through and go on another day.

Anna Begins...(Also off "August and Everything After")
This is just an awesome song. The song is basically up for interpretation, and I have my own, of course. I won't go into it, I'll spare you (lol), but I do want to share my favorite line.

And every time she sneezes, I believe it's love...

Haven't we all been in a position where we see every move that someone makes as an expression of that person's love for us. It's almost like we want that to be true so much, that we will it with all our might. We start believing it, regardless of whether that is the case or not.

Holiday in Spain (Films about Ghosts)

I don't really know how to describe this song, other than to say that it's another goodie. There's something really sad, sweet, and sincere about it. It's one I've played and replayed over and over and I never tire of.

Got no place to go
But there's a girl waiting for me down in Mexico
She's got a bottle of tequila, a bottle of gin
And if I bring a little music I could fit right in

We've got airplane rides
We got California drowning out the window-side
We got big, black cars
And we've got stories how we slept with all tmovievis stars

I may...
Take a holiday in Spain
Leave my wings behind me
Drink my worries down the drain
And fly away to somewhere new

Rob Thomas/Matchbox Twenty

This is another singer/group I absolutely love. I saw him (in concert) at Mohegan Sun, a casino, in CT. He lived up to and greatly surpassed my expectations. Rob Thomas is just such a talented and awesome singer and performer and if you get the opportunity to see him, do NOT pass it up. I don't think you will be disappointed.
I've been listening a lot to his new, solo album. There's many good songs on this album.

Something to Be- This song has a great beat and good lyrics. Personally speaking, I'm still trying to find out "something to be"...maybe the reason I like it so much.

Hey, man
I don't want to hear about love no more
I don't want to talk about how I feel
I don't really want to be me, no more

Dress down
Now I look a little too
boy next door
Maybe I should try to find a downtown whore
That'll make me look hardcore
I need you to tell me what to stand for

I've been looking for something
Something I've never seen
We're all looking for something
Something to be

Ever the Same- This song is one of the best on the new album.

We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken
Hey, look at us, man, this doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we'll both fall down

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same...

My, My, My- One of my favorites. I particularly like these lyrics, b/c I think I let my fear/anxiety sometimes get in my way of doing things I want to do. I don't want fear to prevent me of living my life.

Hold on to anything
Everything's over and done
Has the fear taken over you?
Tell me, is that what you want
To make up your life

Time after time
You're falling behind
Hold on to me
And never leave
Forever be what you mean to me
Right now
Don't you feel better?

Leave- This is off the "Mad Season" CD by Matchbox Twenty. I love this CD. It has a lot of good songs, including "Bent", "Beautiful Girl", and the title, "Mad Season". This song I like a lot because it's sung with a lot of emotion and heart.

I'm not saying.
There wasn't nothing wrong.
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
And I'm not saying
We ever had the right to hold on.
I just didn't want to let it get away from me.

But if that's how it's going to leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's going to stand when
You know you've been dependending on
The one your leaving out

***I know that the question didn't really ask for my analysis on these songs or lyrics, but I enjoyed choosing and expressing my opinion of these songs. Thanks for letting me share that and for bearing with my wordiness.

Since Nicole didn't really tag anyone, I'm going to follow suit. Whomever would like to participate, please jump right in. I'm sure everyone has a few songs they particuarly like and would like to discuss.

So my question is: Who's next? :) ***

I posted this on a support board I am a member of, but I thought it would be good to post this here, as well. The fact is, I could use any and all insight, advice, and support I can get. Since I've received such great advice and comments from others before, I'm hoping to get the same feedback again.

These last few days have been, for lack of better words, HELL-ISH. Let's put it this way, my Diabetes control is NOT in control. It's been way out of control...and I've been freaking out, which is my general reaction when this happens. I know, I know...not the smartest way to handle this, but I can't help myself sometimes. Ok, that really does sound like a little kid's excuse. But the truth is, I let my emotions get the better of me and I lose it. Yes, I openly admit it... I lose my sanity.

Tuesday, I woke up high and my blood sugars just seemed to climb from there. I tried everything to get my numbers down...changing the site (actually did that 3x out of sheer panic ), changing insulin vials, not eating carbs, and even exercise, and nothing worked. Finally, after taking correction dose after correction dose, I came down. Actually, I bottomed out. Woke up in the early morning hours, and I was in the 40s. I was actually relieved to see that I had come down, but seems like I'm constantly dealing with extreme numbers-typically ones on the high end of the spectrum :(. Actually, this wasn't just the case for Tuesday. The last few days have been pretty much the same.

I know that I need to make more of an effort in getting this under control. I know I am not doing everything I can and should be doing...and then I wonder why things are the way they are . One thing in particular-keeping a good log of sugar levels, insulin bolused, exercise, and food. After reading that article about those 2 brothers who have lived so long with the disease, and hearing how meticulous they were with their logs, I think it would definitely benefit me to take better notes, so to speak.

I also need to not be afraid of making changes. It's definitely worth taking a risk if it helps to find something that works. I think this especially pertains to the issue of exercise. Seems like I have been having this issue for months and nothing has helped. Yes, it's discouraging and sometimes I do wonder if I am better off not exercising. However, it's probably benefiting me more than doing harm- so I am not planning on giving up. I just wish I could get a better handle of things.

The issue that's causing me so much aggravation, for those who don't know, is that my exercise is affecting my night time sugar levels- actually making them extremely difficult to control. My current workouts are purely cardio...I will usually use the elliptical machine, treadmill, or arc trainer (mix between stepper and elliptical machine) for about an hour or so. I usually will work out moderately intensely. I like to get my heart rate up, b/c I know that it will help to burn fat and calories...and I like to feel like I have worked out. However the typical blood sugar response is for me to have a hypoglycemic episode immediately following exercise. Then I'll eat dinner, usually pretty low in carbs, and I'll test later in the evening and I'll be high, usually in the high 200s if not higher. I usually have a heck of a time trying to get it to come down...it will even carry over to the next morning often. Ugh, it's very frustrating .

I know there are a lot of variables at work. Yes, it's interesting in a way, but I think it makes it very difficult and aggravating at the same time. It makes it very hard to figure out what is going on and what I should do to improve things. I'm going to try and hunt down a copy of the book, "The Diabetic Athlete" . Maybe it will provide me with a little more insight into what's going on with me. I'm also going to make more of an effort to be more observant and conscious of my blood sugar and maybe, hopefully, I'll get somewhere.

I've finally been tagged! Can't tell you how excited this makes me, lol :) . Plus it wasn't just by one fellow blogger, but two very talented ones, Tiffany and Johnboy. I'm feeling very popular at the moment, j/k, of course, ...but it does feel good. I think I was sort of passed over the last time. Anyway, here goes nothing :)

Four Jobs I've Had: (funny how they all have to do with money, yet I always seem to be lacking the green stuff! :o()

Cashier at a Grocery Store (Stop & Shop)
Pharmacy Clerk
Bank Teller
Medical Biller (current job)

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over:

Little Women
Girl, Interrupted
Bridget Jones Diary
Wonder Boys

Three Places I have Lived:

Briarcliff Manor, NY
Ridgefield, CT
My current CT residence

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch: (pretty much all bad tv)

American Idol (got to love those awful auditions and Simon, of course ;) )
The Bachelor
Music Videos on MTV/VH1 (when they actually play music)
The Food Network shows (love those cooking shows, but, sadly it isn't making me any better of a cook)

Four Places I've Vacationed:

Cruise to the Caribbean (actually ended up being a BIG disaster)
Marco Island, FL
Ocean City, Maryland
Hershey Park, PA

Four Favorite Foods

Pasta with lots of butter and melted cheese
Pizza
Mom's cheese blintzes or apple crisp with vanilla ice cream, or Fudge Brownie (OK,OK, that's 3)
A delicious Gourmet dinner out somewhere.

Four Websites I (try to) Visit Daily:

Sandra's Blog, from which I then bounce to the forty-gazillion other blogs in the DOC- stole this from Tiff, but I do the same.
Diabetes Forums
Children with Diabetes website
Amazon.com (addicted to ordering stuff now- uh oh!)

Four Places I Would Much Rather Be Right Now:

Out to eat at a favorite restaurant.
With sis, just chilling ;)
Spending time with Mom
At home, relaxing

I tag: Mytime (hope she hasn't been tagged yet!) :)

I did something last night I was planning on not doing again. I subscribed to Match.com...well, sort of. There were offering one of their free 3 day trials so, I thought, what do I have to lose? If nothing encouraging happens in the next few days (I know that's asking a lot!), I"ll cancel. However, being me, I need to analyze why I even decided to do this in the first place. And, honestly, I'm not entirely sure ???

My feeling is that it's because of what happened with D. I don't think that I am going to hear from him again after my last email. If he didn't have the impression before, I think he probably has the impression now that I'm not interested in pursuing anything with him. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a really nice guy and person, but I have a feeling that we aren't right for each other.

To be honest, we never really evolved from a friendship type of relationship. There just wasn't that spark there for me...and I'm not sure it was there for him either. We met for lunch once, and I felt like I could have been talking to just about anyone...not to someone whom I was really interested in getting to know. I basically rambled through the whole lunch and I didn't feel like I was getting anything in return. Plus, I think I never really was that comfortable with him, for some reason (probably the reason for my non-stop babbling). Frankly, it was a little disappointing.

I know when you start getting to know someone, it's always awkward- that's something I truly hate. However, I never was able to be completely at ease, like I said, or be myself with him. And I also felt like he was holding back too. Why couldn't we just relax?

I know it sounds like I have made the decision not to pursue anything further with him. But, the thing is, if I hear from him, I don't know how I'll react. I think that's because I'm afraid I'll be kicking myself for letting this go or for not being more aggressive or assertive (not sure either is the right word)with things. Like I said, he is a good guy and I'm not sure there are a lot of them left out there. Ugh, I wish I knew the right thing to do. I'm really not sure of where things stand at this point. :(

I'm not happy. I wish things were different. I wish that I was more open and not so closed up about everything. I wish I could more easily relax and be myself with others. I know,in a way, that's me trying to protect myself. However, it dosen't making getting to know someone easy.

I know, most likely, things with D. will end...which poses the question, D. posed to me.. How do you meet other people? Being that I'm on the shy side and a bit of a homebody, I know it isn't going to be easy. Being me, it will probably be difficult. But, saying that, I don't want to be by myself either. I'd like to meet someone great to connect with. Is that asking for so much?

Maybe I'll luck out and I'll meet someone great off Match. But, truthfully, I have my doubts. I've subscribed before and been disappointed. What's going to change this time to make it different? Have I changed somehow? Will there be someone else out there who is better suited for me? I'd like that to be true, but I don't think so. I guess time will tell- well, at least we'll see what happens in the next day or two.

I think I have ADD, I really do. I can't concentrate or focus on anything... My mind is always wondering or thinking about a million things at once (ok, maybe not a million, but you know...). The fact that my job consists of me sitting at my cubicle all day, doing the same monotonous job gives me plenty of time to sit and day dream...which I'm not sure is a good thing. Oh, you know what else is evidence of me having this issue? Well...have you read my posts? LOL :) Yeah, I know they are all over the place. Just me rambling on and on and on...not really staying on topic. This post will most likely follow suit.

I have to strongly agree with J. who made a comment on my last post. Diabetes does SUCK. It's no wonder why some choose to live in denial or pretend that they don't have it. It seems like even when we are attentive to it (by doing our testing, eating well (or trying our best to), and, yes, my personal favorite, exercise), we can't win. Meaning, things aren't where we would expect or think they should be, in terms of control, since we are doing all these things. After a while of trying, I think it's easy to just be like, "screw it". If we are putting all this effort in and not getting anywhere, my question is "why?"

I'm not saying totally neglect yourself. Obviously, if you are dependent on insulin, you are going to still have to take it and testing will still be part of your life, as well. However, to be really focused on it and obsess about every little thing, I'm not sure it's worth it. It's easy to say that, but knowing me, I will still obsess and agonize over the issues and problems I have dealing with this disease.

Julia gave me a great suggestion. She advised me to try the CGMS system. If you aren't familiar with it, it's basically a sensor, put out by Minimed, you wear for 3 to 4 days that takes your blood sugar readings continuously during the period of time you wear the sensor. At the end of that period, your doctor can download the readings, so that he can look them over and try to identify any patterns and trends. I thought this was a great idea considering that, I am not only a horrible record/log keeper, but also have a difficult time testing my basals the usual way that they suggest.

I was aware of this system and I had thought that I had asked about it during a session with my CDE/dietician before. However, I couldn't remember what the answer had been, so I decided to give her a call and ask her if it would be possible for me to try this. Well, of course, there's a road block :(. Basically, my CDE told me that they do not use this system anymore. The practice found that they have problems billing it and getting paid for using this system. She said that MM sells these units to interested patients, and it might be worth looking into purchasing if I am interested. Frankly, I don't know if I can afford to purchase anything at this point, but I thought it doesn't hurt to call and inquire.

I talked to a nice representative at Minimed. I explained the situation to her and asked if there was any way for me to try this out. Her suggestion was to leave a message for the area rep, he might be able to track down a provider, close to where I am, that uses this device. It might be possible for me to schedule a few appointments with that doctor so that I can utilize this tool. Seems like a rather complicated way of going about things, but at this point, I'm willing to try just about anything. I guess this shows you that I am not loosening my grip on Diabetes, as I've just discussed.

As of right now, I still haven't heard back from him, but hopefully I will at some point soon. I think it might really be helpful in getting things sorted out, especially since I can't seem to do it on my own, even with my Endo and CDE's help. Thanks Julia for your suggestion! :)

Onto the next issue, well, maybe it's a non-issue at this point. Yes, it's about a guy. I really don't know what to make of him or of where things stand. Why am I so bad at this? Grrrr.... I'm starting to get on my own nerves. Before I go on any further, maybe I should fill you in on what's been going on.

I've still been in touch with D., the guy my co-worker, W, originally set me up with. However, I'm confused. I don't know if I really want to continue with this or not. Let me explain why. Last week , he called me and left me a voice mail. Instead of getting back to him, I decided to wait. I did not get back to him that day or even the next. I can make up an excuse and say that that's because I was sick (which I was) or something to that effect, but the truth is I didn't feel like calling him. So the weekend passed, I decided to send him an email ( I felt bad) and apologize for not returning his call. I let him know that I would call him that night, which was Monday. Usually, he has his phone on him at all times, at least I think he does. However, he did not pick up the phone that evening. I left him a voice message stating that I would call him back later that evening or the next one. Well, Tuesday comes and I was actually surprised to see that I had received an email from him. Apparently, he was at some college thing and couldn't pick up the phone, which is why he missed my call. He said that he'd call me that night. Tuesday night, I waited for his call. Guess what? Never called. Wednesday night came and went. Finally, yesterday I got an email. But it was not what I was expecting at all.

It started as his usual emails do, but then he asked me a very random question. This was his question.... "what do you do to meet people?" Umm, okaaaaay. It kind of threw me off. I mean, why was he asking me this question? He then said "well, I know not bars" and proceeded to tell me that he has put something on My space in attempt to meet more people. I quite honestly did not know what to make of this, so I called my friend and co-worker, W., over to read it. I needed an opinion.

I'm glad that I called her over. She told me that she had just talked to him. Her impression was that he still is interested in me, but he doesn't think I am interested. As for the question, she didn't know what to make of it. To me, it kind of contradicts what she said, that he is interested. Why would you ask me that if you want to continue to communicate with me? I guess it won't be surprising to hear that I have my doubts after reading that.

W. told me that I need to decide if I am really interested in him or not. I know that's what I need to do, but how do I do that? To be completely honest, I'm not sure I am. My gut feeling is that there isn't really a connection there. However, part of me doesn't want to just give up, b/c what if I am wrong? I don't want to blow it. But I really don't know if I am interested in pursuing it any further. I mean, if I was , wouldn't I want to call him, wouldn't I want to talk to him? I'm puzzled.

Ok, maybe what it comes down to is that I'm worried about meeting the right person for me. I know people say that it will happen when you least expect it, but sadly it hasn't happened yet :( . Then of course there are others that say you can't just expect Mr. Right just to walk in, you have to make an effort and put yourself out there too. I know that that's probably true, but I rather go by the first theory. I want him to come to me, lol.